So, here's a question. Since my detachment, while improved, still stinks...how have many of you fixed the "cycle." Mine, according to my W, is 3 days...Day 1: amicable, Day 2: quiet, Day 3: Hostile quiet (Body language.)
Alternately, are there any amongst you who stay on a trend for several days, followed by several days of something else?
This is more for the community than anything else. I suspect that my shorter encounters with W will largely negate this problem post-D.
Last edited by Shakspr; 10/16/1403:52 AM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
You're anything but dumb, Shake. If anything, you're human. Let it roll off your back. You're not a robot and you are doing a great job. We're all due a few mistakes.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Dang! I posted on your old thread! I didn't see the new one!
If you haven't fixed the cycle yet, then join the club. None of us have it mastered. If we did, we'd be writing the books. I figure progress in the right direction is good. Better than what we had before!
Every day, a little better. Every now and then, a couple of steps backward. Sometimes we fall flat on our face. As long as we get up and keep slugging away at it.
And I would not consider your W's estimation of you as having any kind of value in it. Her judgment is pretty damn bad right now. At least, that's what I've noticed.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Yeah, why is it hold great store in this stinking view of our spouse?
Their judgement stinks, their choices suck and mine is incapable of saying anything he thinks out loud. It comes out completely different or opposite in meaning.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Alternately, are there any amongst you who stay on a trend for several days, followed by several days of something else?
This is more for the community than anything else. I suspect that my shorter encounters with W will largely negate this problem post-D.
Shakespr, I think you will find that indeed, once you are having shorter (and probably more predictable encounters) with W, this will improve, or at least lenghthen into a longer cycle.
I'm pretty even on days that I don't commuicate with H (which is most of them), I feel pretty mellow and concentrate on the practical aspects of the separation (finances and the logistical nightmare of running kids around to various activities now that I'm solo). Yes, I do get tense right before our weekly encounter, and I would venture to guess that those around me notice. Thankfully - it doesn't last long. I guess once I conquer it, I will be farther down the line on the detachment train
I definitely have a cycle, but now that I've noticed it I'm trying to be more intentional about things. It's getting better. Not being around him definitely makes it easier.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, rali, thanks for chiming in. I think I got the answers I was looking for - and expected, really. Again, there's no magic bullet. Anyone else feel free to join the convo. Also, check out my previous thread for DB'n post-D, post-sep tips from my coach.
Maybell...I like your word "intentional." It is so hard to wake up hurting, make a conscious decision to love someone who doesn't love you back and act accordingly. I really look at myself in the mirror every morning now, and not just to shave. It reminds me who I am. That there is dignity in standing for marriage when your W wants out. That the pain and grief have value, if only to ourselves. And it reminds me to give those things to God. I can't change them, but he is happy to take them away.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Maybell...I like your word "intentional." It is so hard to wake up hurting, make a conscious decision to love someone who doesn't love you back and act accordingly. I really look at myself in the mirror every morning now, and not just to shave. It reminds me who I am. That there is dignity in standing for marriage when your W wants out. That the pain and grief have value, if only to ourselves. And it reminds me to give those things to God. I can't change them, but he is happy to take them away.
I sure hope you're right.
The knife in my chest is hurting bad today.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
There is more dignity in facing your own issues and deciding you want to overcome them to make you a better person - saving a marriage is a side benefit.
At least that's what I tell myself in the mirror
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hit a new thing tonight. Looked at the past...and wished I had not married this woman. I know what I've done. I can also now look at what she's done. To me, to our children. The compromises that I made in an effort to keep a peaceful home. This isn't so much a blame thing...just a desire for a different past. Again, this is pretty strange and I'm well aware that it probably selfish. Trying to find a way to accept my current reality.
I doubt that this emotion sticks for long. But it seems...helpful? I know that sounds weird. Just another paradigm shift. Maybe I'm just tired of sobbing and feeling pitiful.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
"Maybe I'm just tired of sobbing and feeling pitiful."
I know I am.
Praying for you, my friend.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Doing fine. D is today. I left town over the weekend with my kids to see some family while W removed most of her belongings. Got some sleep!
I am currently relaxing at the house, getting ready to have my new (refurb) washer/dryer delivered.
Thanks for checking in. I haven't felt much like hanging out here on the boards anyway. I'll get more active when I have some fun GAL stuff to share and if anything new develops.
One thing I can tell all of you who are following this saga...find a way to drop the rope. W was still collecting clothes, and smaller items, last night. She was disoriented, tired, and incapable of holding a thought in her head. I stayed pretty calm and civil, agreed to what we should do the next few days with children (no changes, just confirmation) and ignored her otherwise.
No mindreading here. But that was the first time she seemed to allow the gravity of her actions to affect her visibly since BD. She sought me out several times with nothing to really say...she just seemed to want to be around me. Her aunt told me that she had been that way most of the weekend. Aunt is still praying for us and wants this to resolve in a restoration of marriage.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all today. My mind is at ease.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Thanks, Maybell. I got my new washer/dryer! And W came by so I could sign all the papers prior to our 4PM appt.
I was subdued, worked through the withholding paperwork and copies of the divorce decree and so on.
She is loopy and in a good mood. Said several times "she can't seem to keep a thought in her head." When we were done, she asked if I wanted to go out for a drink afterwards.
I declined. Which is a pity, since I told my DB coach that her requesting one-on-one time without the kids would be a sign of desire for me. And it would be immediately after D! No waiting 6 months!
I don't know who is more confused by that exchange. Me or her.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Just for reference and to possibly take note of, for the first 2-2.5 years post-BD, my XW's behavioral cycle was highly correlated to her monthly cycle.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I don't know who is more confused by that exchange. Me or her.
You are only confused because you are trying to mind-read, process, and put the magic marriage jigsaw puzzle back together.
Stop.
Drop the rope means drop the rope. Work on what you are supposed to be working on, and don't think about the rest. It's difficult to NOT think about something, but it's much less difficult if your mind is already occupied on something else (i.e. because you are focusing on what you are supposed to be working on). It's like magic, only it's real, and it works - that's why it's such a good strategy and why it is advised.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I don't know who is more confused by that exchange. Me or her.
You are only confused because you are trying to mind-read, process, and put the magic marriage jigsaw puzzle back together.
Stop.
Drop the rope means drop the rope. Work on what you are supposed to be working on, and don't think about the rest. It's difficult to NOT think about something, but it's much less difficult if your mind is already occupied on something else (i.e. because you are focusing on what you are supposed to be working on). It's like magic, only it's real, and it works - that's why it's such a good strategy and why it is advised.
-PM
I knew PM would find his way here.
Good advice.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Thanks, all. Glad to have some new blood along for the ride.
No mindreading, PM, got it. Although, what's to read? I thought the question was inappropriate, declined the offer. I suppose I will know I have dropped the rope when the confusion is secondary (or nonexistent), and when my behavior is marked only by dignity and friendship toward the mother of my children. All this without concerning myself with "Why".
Real life intruded on me late tonight - and is why I'm up and not sleeping soundly. D8 vomited all over my bed. I am pretty sure the top layer of my Sleep Number mattress is ruined. I took it off, doused it in enzymatic cleaners, and rinsed in the tub. We'll see how it goes. Kinda funny, really, compared to the rest of today.
Last edited by Shakspr; 10/21/1405:33 AM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
"behaviour marked only by dignity and friendship toward the mother of my children".
Love this ^^^
I'm just glad to hear it wasn't you who vomited all over the bed! There's been times in this journey that I sure felt like I was going to! Sounds like you have been carrying yourself very well Shakes - in spite of all that is going on.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Sleep Number mattress is ruined. I took it off, doused it in enzymatic cleaners, and rinsed in the tub.
Strong hydrogen peroxide based products (Like at Sally's Beauty possibly) are the best choice for protein and organic based stains like what you're dealing with.
Maybe sometime in another life, I'll tell you what I do for a living.
Ah, Nitty. Good to see you. Hope all is well with you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Glad to hear from you Shakes - Sorry about the bed- and Jefe's advice was excellent. You might be surprised- I think mattresses are treated with something that make them fairly resilient to this sort of thing. Hope D8 is ok.
Jefe - you don't work at Gunn's Restoration or Serv-Pro do you? I had a house fire 7 years ago, and buddy, I've got some stories about what not to do in that sitch.
Take care everyone! Detach! Choose to enjoy something, even if it's just a good cup of coffee!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I know everyone at Gunns very well. Please keep in mind not all Servpro's are created equally since they are each individually owned. I did a 12 year tour with Servpro so I might very possibly know exactly who you are referring to.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
My Serv-Pro experience - less so. Your assertion of individual ownership makes sense. Their work was fine, but the experience was not so cool. Mainly because my case manager loved using my personal goods $$ as an opportunity to "attempt" to clean stuff for which there was no hope.
I caught on, but not until she had spent money I would rather have used in recreating my home library of first edition Sci-Fi!
I sent an email to Gunn's to see if they'll do a one off. Maybe I'm just lazy - or maybe it's not just the vomit I want to get out of my mattress top.
Smells are powerful. I don't want get a whiff of my XW every time I go to sleep.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Call Chris B over at CRDN. He'll take care of you. Based on your description, I know exactly who the office was that assisted you. Sorry about that. If we had taken care of you 7 years ago, it would have been smooth sailing.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe - dropped off my stuff at CRDN. Didn't meet Chris, talked to Nate.
So, last night, was alone for first night since divorce. Hung out with friends playing a tactical board game for a couple of hours. Tried calling children, went straight to VM. No sweat, texted XW to ask her to encourage SS15 to keep it charged.
I try to pick up a few things every day, move forward, etc. Was working up a good moment of disgust with XW as I thought about OM, her decisions, all the pain. Got to closet. Grabbed a binder that I have literally never looked at. Our engagement pictures were inside. I haven't seen that photo in years.
Folks, I still love my XW. I had a decent cry, decided yet again to hope. To DB, to make myself better every day. I choose to believe, to pray.
Something tells me that this is a decision the long-term LBS makes frequently.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I don't think I know Nate. But Chris is good people. Maybe you can meet him when you pick up.
"Folks, I still love my XW. I had a decent cry, decided yet again to hope. To DB, to make myself better every day. I choose to believe, to pray.
Something tells me that this is a decision the long-term LBS makes frequently."
Praying with you and for you.
I choose to believe. I choose to believe God can and will restore my marriage. I choose to believe that God can and will change me into the husband, father, and man I need to be and should have been.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
The OM will screw up eventually, Shakspr. He's scum. Anyone who would approach a married woman is scum. He will alienate her eventually, because all he cares about is himself.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Folks, I still love my XW. I had a decent cry, decided yet again to hope. To DB, to make myself better every day. I choose to believe, to pray.
Something tells me that this is a decision the long-term LBS makes frequently.
I'm glad to hear you have a renewed sense of hope and purpose. Your XW is lost right now - but I would be willing to bet there will come a time when she begins to ask herself questions and will be open to viewing you as you really are and not just through the distorted lenses she is wearing now. Good for you.
Jefe - dropped off my stuff at CRDN. Didn't meet Chris, talked to Nate.
So, last night, was alone for first night since divorce. Hung out with friends playing a tactical board game for a couple of hours. Tried calling children, went straight to VM. No sweat, texted XW to ask her to encourage SS15 to keep it charged.
I try to pick up a few things every day, move forward, etc. Was working up a good moment of disgust with XW as I thought about OM, her decisions, all the pain. Got to closet. Grabbed a binder that I have literally never looked at. Our engagement pictures were inside. I haven't seen that photo in years.
Folks, I still love my XW. I had a decent cry, decided yet again to hope. To DB, to make myself better every day. I choose to believe, to pray.
Something tells me that this is a decision the long-term LBS makes frequently.
Search for a DivorceCare group in your area. I know many people who have benefited from it.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thanks, PM. The ones in my area have times that are inconvenient until after the holidays. I am trying to include the DivorceCare for Kids in the plan. I have also heard good things.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Hang in there, man. My thoughts/prayers are always with you guys.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Started the Purpose Driven Life for Commuters (audiobook CD). It's brief and thoughtful. It seems that there are some criticisms out there (mostly about the Bible translations that he quotes) that I will leave to others. Hey, I had it on hand! 40 days of lessons
Day 1: It's All About God
Point to ponder: It's not about me.
Verse: Colossians 1:16 - For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.
Question to consider: In spite of all the advertising and distraction I see around me, what can I do to remind myself daily to live for Christ, focusing on him and not myself.
My answer to the last question is twofold: 1) Tithing. This is the toughest act of obedience for me and one that has brought me closer to Him. 2) Practice forgiveness/choose not to engage in gossip. In the workplace, good people often do things ranging from questionable to reprehensible. I will be the lighthouse to these people whenever I can be. Forgiveness is for me, for God, and for those who have wronged me or those I love. And it's hard.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
1) Tithing - I am struggling with this. How did you handle it? Jump in feet first a full 10% or build up to it? 2) Forgiveness/Gossip - I have really grown in this area recently. I think it has helped in my situation with my W. Since I was very slow to gossip and and speak ill of her to anyone, it has left many of the bridges back home still intact. Forgiveness is a different story. It's not that I don't want to as much as I'm not sure completely HOW to.
I admire you shake.
Stay strong, and prayer for you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
1) Tithing - I am struggling with this. How did you handle it? Jump in feet first a full 10% or build up to it?
I visited a church over the summer and their approach to stewardship impressed me. One of the things they did was offer a 90-day challenge. They weren't pressuring at all, but the basic idea was you give 10% for 90 days only. They showed a video clip of someone who had taken the 90 day challenge and was blessed. I mean, nobody won the lottery or anything, but just felt like God had touched them in some way. You might consider jumping into a full 10%, but not forever, for a month maybe and then decide to renew it with yourself month by month.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I am at 10% on net, not gross, because I have a ton of non-secured debt and am working that off, too. I began on Jan 1 2014. The only time I have struggled with this was during the lead-up to the divorce when W was unemployed and spending faster than I was making.
I have prayed and prayed over this. God seems to be okay with this approach - and when the credit cards and personal loan are paid off ($33.5K), he'll get 10% on gross. Since W left, I'm already making strides to actually pay this down. I expect it to take about 3 years.
The results weren't what I was looking for - I did get better financial stability, and the obedience led to me seeking Him more diligently. W was supportive of this, but, well...there were obviously other issues.
My faith walk, and choices to be obedient for the past 1 1/2 years actually goes back to something that happened in May 2013. I was a Cub Scout leader. The Scouts voted nationwide to accept and support a lifestyle I don't agree with. I do not hate, and am conflicted in a lot of ways about this situation and decision. However, I cannot voluntarily support with thought, deed, or finances that which is openly against God and his teachings. So, I told the Cubmaster that my final Scouting role would be at Webelos Camp June 30 - July 3 2013.
Simultaneously, we were in a custody dispute w/ SS15's father. We had been working for almost two years to bring to a close something that should have taken 6-9 months.
Our final court date happened in the middle of my final Cub Scout camp. It was moved up from a late August date unexpectedly. I took that as God telling me that the two were related - that I needed to be an obedient servant if I was going to be trusted to influence another young life.
Now, much of that opportunity has been taken away. But, had I not been in the place that I now am spiritually, this D would have become far uglier. And I would not have found my way here to DB.
Pray over this Jefe. Whether you make it a 90 day challenge, or start with 1% and ramp up to 10% every other payday...do it. He'll bless the 1%. This is the only thing/act in the entire Bible where God challenges you to test him. Heck, that alone makes it fun.
(Just re-read this. There are some logical leaps. Ask any question you like for clarification.)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shake, Please continue to post even though your D is final. I'm in the last stages before D and would love your insight. The agreement is basically in place (not final draft or signed yet) to be presented to the court. Basically it's up to her when she wants to do that but she's still mentioning doing things together. Did you go through that? Just looking for some wisdom.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Well, bravo, my W was in sprint mode the whole way, so I'm not certain what you mean by your W "mentioning doing things together." My W filed, waited 61 days as is mandated by the State of TX, and finalized. I did not fight her. Agreed to a very reasonable deal that she will likely grow to regret.
Perhaps your W wanted the details spelled out to give her a picture of what things would look like, but now is reconsidering. Or maybe...doesn't matter. Mind reading.
Ask her what she wants. Use your knowledge of her LLs to gain clarity.
And keep DB'g. If you still stand for the marriage, do every single thing purposefully. Ask yourself, "What kind of man am I? What kinds of man do I want to be?" The final three weeks leading to our D finalization were the worst time of my life. I cycled through emotions. I couldn't control everything, but managed not to lash out. Loved on my kids. Refused to badmouth my W or allow others to do so. And I had to tell my Mom about it (ugh!)
I do now have one answer to a question posed frequently here. How do I remain friendly without being "Friend-zoned) by the XW or separated spouse. Here's how it looks to me (so far):
1) I only initiate interactions that apply to our children or shared responsibilities that still need to be divided (car insurance, for example, or health care.) I am all business for these things, but cordial.
2) When she initiates a convo (via text or voice), responds with a friendly tone, or changes the subject after handling our business, I allow myself to be silly or humorous or just friendly. And I let her have the last word. Always. This should leave her content or curious.
She remains curious about me, usually expressed through concern "How are you doing/how are you holding up?" I respond with latest GAL or something we once shared but now do separately (working out, time with friends.) I haven't yet gotten to the point where I am intentionally mysterious. That's coming soon.
The only mental/emotional battle I have left in my head/heart is the contemplation of her budding R with OM. I will admit to some of my darker emotions on that one. Gotta shake it off, and continue to be a better option in every way. Already looking for some new clothes to go pick up the kids in tomorrow. 'Cuz I'm gonna look GOOD.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I bought my daughter 2 pretty fall outfits on Amazon. That's a 180. I also bought a top-rated can opener and the top cheap blender. I love Amazon.
PMA - not gonna be a problem. I have you all in my corner and God is lifting me up as well.
My band of brothers and sisters: We're so much better off and so much more likely to find fulfillment than those who lead a life without purpose. We know what we want. And we are working to achieve it. Keep doing the work!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Absolutely Rogaine counts as GAL! Don't know if you are a Costco or Sams Club member, but I understand that they sell generic versions there much more cheaply.
Glad to hear you are having such an up day today Shakes. Thought of you earlier when I was checking out the 2015 season of my favorite regional Shakespeare group(Oregon Shakespeare Festival).
rali...I'm right there. Bought the Kirkland brand (Costco) from Amazon. I had a Costco account before, don't know if W is keeping me on. and that takes a special trip from where I live.
Yep, I'm definitely up today.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Keep your chin up. The one thing about Tx is that divorce is quick here. On the flip side, they do protect your rights as a man and as a father.
What I hear is that 50% of rebounds die after 6 months. At some point she will hit a wall. It's your choice what to do at that point.
Remember, 10% of divorces end up in re-marriage. This is a bump in the road, not the end of the road.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
I could have been the OM. W wrote me letters as her first marriage crumbled. We met once (it didn't get physical beyond a kiss and hand-holding), months later while she was separated from 1st husband with the divorce pending. For whatever reason, I didn't pursue. We stayed in touch - friendly stuff only - while I was overseas in the military for the following year.
After it became clear that I wanted a friendship and not a R or M to a divorcee w/ 2 kids (sorry, this was true for me at age 26), she found another candidate. Their marriage lasted 6 weeks before she moved out and simultaneously found out that she was pregnant w/ child #3.
I don't remember who called whom in early 1999, but she said that her divorce was ongoing and that I should go on with my life. She didn't want to be in contact. I learned later that this was because her son was about to be born, and her 2nd D couldn't be final until August 1999 (6 mo "cooling off period"). She reached out to me again, then, after her 2nd D was final. 3 days after, in fact.
Current OM is also from her past - not unlike me. She's known him and his extended family since HS. Seems decent enough on paper; has a life, a job, etc. Divorced. Kids are grown. I've never met him.
So, faith. She will see whatever she sees in him. He will see whatever he sees. And both will make decisions. My XW hasn't been unmarried for more than 1 1/2 years since she was 21. I hope that my thinly veiled threat not to expose my children to OM before anything less than a year sticks; that will allow the 6 mo+ window time to expire. (I recognize that this was a double-edged sword...as it sets a time for her to look forward to, to revealing her little family proudly to OM.) I slipped, but there it is.
I must have faith. Because all I can do is work on ME. I will be the better option. If she can't see that, then she will be the fool. And some other lucky lady will get a crack at me someday.
Whoever she is, XW or new woman, better have her $#!+ together. Because I certainly will.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Thats a tough one. It's been interesting looking at the female psychology of how they don't like to leave one relationship before lining up a new one.
Fear of being alone is strong in these women.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Yeah, the affairs/divorce correlate pretty strongly for WAS and WAH. I wonder if "no affair" correlates more strongly to separation. Just curious, as I know finding these things out would require more time and resources than I have (maybe I should pique the curiosity of the Freakonomics guys.)
I will mindread BigMac a little...men don't typically have an affair to find a new life mate. They do it to escape or "get away" with something. We have a bent toward naughtiness.
It seems, however, that many WAS do think they've found the grass to be greener with OM. And that "this time" things will be different.
Men in MLC, it seems, sometimes just leave to try something new - and that isn't always an OW.
Women sometimes leave because they are simply too hurt by their husbands to stay - and that hurt is emotional more often than it is physical.
Bottom line, affairs are a symptom. And I now know that they are a symptom of unhappiness caused by 1) codependency, 2) lack of boundaries, and 3) expecting someone else to provide personal fulfillment and happiness. In no particular order.
Last edited by Shakspr; 10/28/1410:11 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakspr, buddy, I wish it was a different outcome. But whatever is about to happen, it's going to be good for you. Just hold on to that. God is awesome.
Whatever happened to the community theatre idea? I think you'd be a good actor in a Shakespearean saga. All the world's a stage, you've been living in a drama since the summer... acting should be a piece of cake for you.
Originally Posted By: BigMac
Thats a tough one. It's been interesting looking at the female psychology of how they don't like to leave one relationship before lining up a new one.
Fear of being alone is strong in these women.
I would've said this is more true about men than women. But who knows anymore? I remember my first boyfriend (Mr. Gritty was my 2nd). He got distant, then he called up all his old girlfriends, met with some of them while I wrung my hands. Finally he met someone new, cheated on me and left.
Since then, he's been married a couple of times. I know when he's about to get D, because that's when he contacts me (I won't give him the time of day, but he still tries!) He's still calling all his old girlfriends whenever he gets itchy feet, putting the feelers out, and then moving on. He did that when he was 21 and he's doing it now at 55. A real class act.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Took a tough blow tonight from D21. She's telling me how she thinks I should handle counseling et al w/ siblings. Says she was subjected to much abuse from me and W and that coupled with a history of abuse and divorce in the family, we should have the kids in counseling early and often.
I'm happy she trusts me enough to tell me this stuff, but since I only agree with about 25% of it, how the heck do I simultaneously validate her and tell her to butt out. She's a blamer and a lasher. I am stymied at how to even begin. Fortunately she blasted all this via text, and she accepted my request for time to respond.
Just, ugh. I wonder if this will ever end. Makes me understand the motivations of the hardcore MLC'er!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Sooooooo....is D21 in the college know it all phase by any chance? I think the early 20s are peak years for blaming your parents for stuff.
I guess I would thank her for the input and tell her you will share this with XW-and I would validate the 25% you agree with and also tell her the part about how you're happy that she trusts you enough to tell you these things.
Oh - and I don't think it will ever end- you're a parent after all . My poor In Laws are having to deal with their 40 year old son turning back into an adolescent seemingly overnight
Yeah, I guess it's unrealistic to expect my children to take HS seriously, get some scholarships, leave home and just figure it out. I must be an anomaly.
I wish she were in college. Nope, that didn't take. She's got two part time jobs and is medic in the Army reserves.
I could give the whole story but here's the bottom line. My home is a happier place when she's not in it. Inserting her personality into a crisis is like pouring gasoline on a dumpster fire.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Took a tough blow tonight from D21. She's telling me how she thinks I should handle counseling et al w/ siblings. Says she was subjected to much abuse from me and W and that coupled with a history of abuse and divorce in the family, we should have the kids in counseling early and often.
I'm happy she trusts me enough to tell me this stuff, but since I only agree with about 25% of it, how the heck do I simultaneously validate her and tell her to butt out. She's a blamer and a lasher. I am stymied at how to even begin. Fortunately she blasted all this via text, and she accepted my request for time to respond.
Just, ugh. I wonder if this will ever end. Makes me understand the motivations of the hardcore MLC'er!
Is this your D together with XW or her D or your D?
If you drop the labels you have on her, is there truth to what she says?
Maybe you could have a conversation where you hear her out, if you haven't already. Listen and validate what's true, let the rest go. Don't argue with her, just hear her.
About the advice, you could thank her for her insight and tell her you'll take it under consideration and then do that. She might have insight you don't.
I think medic in the military is a good career choice, it's been the starting point for many careers and it's training for civilian job.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thats a tough one. It's been interesting looking at the female psychology of how they don't like to leave one relationship before lining up a new one.
Fear of being alone is strong in these women.
What women specifically?
As I recall, Shakes W was from an abusive background and got into abusive Ms. It's not surprising that without help working on the abuse stuff that she gets into new Rs so quickly. It's the baggage we talked about early on when I asked why Shake was drawn to her.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is the D who was born after my W was assaulted. I adopted her at age 9.
She has been the source of much strife, and it is very difficult to hear what she has to say without having an emotional response. She simply makes people uncomfortable because she constantly seethes. When that much negativity oozes out of someone, the validity of their statements doesn't hold a lot of credence.
Her accusations that we abused her and didn't get her the help she needs is true from her POV. She was not physically abused as a child. My wife's parenting style can sometimes be oppressive. I was sometimes drawn into that because I felt stuck between choosing to agree with my W or simply ignore the problems (I know, there are other options.)
Additionally, while she says we didn't get her the help she needs for her depression... well, 1.5 years of counseling and she only got worse. I know, many have been in therapy for years. I did the best that I could and there is a limit to my financial resources. We loved her and supported her more than she is able to recognize. It saddens me tremendously that she feels the way she does.
So, I will attempt to hear her out, validate as much as I can, and chart a path forward.
I won't let my ego get in the way. Just because I'm tired of doing the heavy lifting doesn't mean the job is done.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
labug. Yep. Stranger (day laborer) broke into her uncle's house where she was staying alone. He got 10 years probation and time served (which, in itself, was a tragedy). It was a landmark DNA case.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I could give the whole story but here's the bottom line. My home is a happier place when she's not in it. Inserting her personality into a crisis is like pouring gasoline on a dumpster fire.
Raliced is right... 21 is the age of blaming parents. Very similar to MLCers blaming LBS for all their woes.
I use my ninja DBing skills to deal with my boomerang S23. I also use Al-Anon techniques. My S has been much more supportive than your D21 has been, no gasoline on a fire, not at all. But he's not the best roomie, he makes terrible life decisions (didn't respond right away to a job offer for excellent pay and lost it, etc), and I really think he should be on his own by now.
I do not ask him what he is doing with his life, or if he applied for any better-paying jobs, or if he paid that parking ticket he got last week, etc., because that is none of my business. (Thank you, AL-ANON and Byron Katie.) No ultimatums, no unsolicited advice.
These things, however, ARE my business:
1) Is he a good renter? (I charge him about half of what it would cost to rent a room in our town). Does he abuse our property or does he respect it?
2) Is he a good roommate? Does he abuse his roommate and our neighbors or does he respect them?
Your D21 sounds like she is not a good roommate.
When my S broke agreements, was messy, didn't pay rent, etc., I told him he was not being a good roommate and I thought he would be happier living with someone else. I asked him what he needed to do to find another living arrangement and move out. He started working on it, complaining vociferously! Ultimately he decided to be a better roommate.
Our lives are much smoother than they were. Sometimes he asks for advice. I give it but then tell him I have every confidence he will figure it out on his own, and then I let it go. That's hard to do and sometimes I mess up. No biggie. Just as long as I get on track again.
Sometimes he just wants to tell me something without me offering advice. Also hard for me to do.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Thanks, all. Like most of us, I typically don't air more dirty laundry than I feel I need to. These days I feel like Paul Harvey..."and that's the rest of the story..."
labug, thanks for the support, again. Your words gave me a compass - I already have the map. I'm getting stronger and I am done just throwing up my hands. The answer is love. The answer is roll up my sleeves. The answer is do what must be done to the best of my ability. I am fighting not only for my marriage, but for my very family. If I fail, it will be because I am in the grave.
I only wish D21 would use her medic/EMT training as a springboard. I encouraged her to do so when she dropped out of college, but have since backed off. She does best when she figures things out for herself.
Nitty, I moved D21 out of my home the weekend before my W moved out. That was a relief. Whether or not she can go on affording her apt is on her. The other children were also complaining about her openly to me and W. It's not just my own distorted "parent of adult children" lens that views D21 this way.
Today is going to be a good day. I can make that happen. 7 hours, 45 minutes until I see my children. YEAH!!!
Last edited by Shakspr; 10/29/1403:18 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
First of all - from reading the backstory - you and your family have had a lot on your plate for many years. I admire you all for your perseverance.
May I add one timid thought re D21? I remember you sharing some of your personal history - and frankly it sounds like you are a pull yourself up by the bootstraps, super overachieving type of guy. Your XW has obviously overcome a lot of hardship as well. Not everyone is like that - and I know of several families where the parents have had to overcome significant hardship in their lives and their children struggle to meet that very high bar.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I missed that while catching up on your sitch. Sorry!
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Hey, Shakspr, what's up with you? How are you doing?
Thinking of you and hoping our prayers are helping. I may not be a good thread reader, but I pray pretty damn hard.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
First of all - from reading the backstory - you and your family have had a lot on your plate for many years. I admire you all for your perseverance.
May I add one timid thought re D21? I remember you sharing some of your personal history - and frankly it sounds like you are a pull yourself up by the bootstraps, super overachieving type of guy. Your XW has obviously overcome a lot of hardship as well. Not everyone is like that - and I know of several families where the parents have had to overcome significant hardship in their lives and their children struggle to meet that very high bar.
Just a thought.
It's a good thought.
And another, people who have real problems often are difficult to be around (I have one living with me right now). I like your attitude of love/relationship first. She does need to make her own decisions about careers/jobs and be accountable for her life. But her progress most likely won't be linear.
Parenting, it's not for sissies.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Good morning, all. Thanks for all the encouraging words and helpful suggestions. Will post more later. It was a good weekend with the children. All of them.
See ya!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakspr, I did the book version of purpose driven life and I loved it. It led me to other great aspects of my new life (church, kids, friends) that I didn't realize I needed/wanted. I've been away from the board for a while and will try to read your sitch as a few details I never mentioned on board or happened before D sound very familiar.
Seek God and glorify Him in everything you do...Not a word for word bible quote, but the life you gain from doing so is worth it.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
"Seek God and glorify Him in everything you do...Not a word for word bible quote, but the life you gain from doing so is worth it."
I'm certainly trying to.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
A few quick hits because my life has become incredibly time-restricted.
If you choose to say yes to an ex's request for assistance (picking up bunk beds for your kids, for instance) and it is hard, and late, and you're tired...fake a good attitude anyway.
When conversing with XW over text or phone, focus on "I, me, we, us, & our" statements (especially since most of those convos are about children). Avoid "You" and "Why". You've heard this stuff before, but I promise that it still works post-D.
XW is being extremely pleasant and keeping me informed of school events, grades, etc. So, I suppose I am far luckier than some in my situation. No indication whatsoever that she regrets her decision to leave.
D21...man, is there a "Parent of Juvenile Adults Remedy" book coming out soon? I have made some progress with her, focusing on love, relationships, responsibility, and respect. Seems to be working, and she is listening. I'm listening, too, and trying to help her find the path she wants/needs.
Money trouble. When everything is paid, there isn't much left. But I know how to handle that. Pay close attention to this, and don't let depression or unhappiness spur you into impulse buys. I put stuff in my Amazon cart - but it must sit there 72 hours before I press "Buy."
I know there isn't much DB/DR in this post, but so many of you have been looking in on me, didn't want to continue to be a stranger.
GAL this weekend - Six Flags company outing (NO LINES, NO WAITING) with me and the children.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
That's, kewl! I'll drive down 360 on Sat just so I can wave at you, lol.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
If you choose to say yes to an ex's request for assistance (picking up bunk beds for your kids, for instance) and it is hard, and late, and you're tired...fake a good attitude anyway.
-- Why did you say yes to this? Don't be her rescuer. She's a big girl and can and should solve her own problems now.
When conversing with XW over text or phone, focus on "I, me, we, us, & our" statements (especially since most of those convos are about children). Avoid "You" and "Why". You've heard this stuff before, but I promise that it still works post-D.
-- Why are you conversing with her on the phone? If you're planning things for the kids, I'd keep it short, sweet and in text format so you don't veer off script.
XW is being extremely pleasant and keeping me informed of school events, grades, etc. So, I suppose I am far luckier than some in my situation. No indication whatsoever that she regrets her decision to leave.
-- You will never know. Now is the time for YOU. Whether she has regrets or not is irrelevant to the awesomeness that will be your life when you no longer care what she is thinking relative to you and get on with enjoying your own life (and you have a lot to offer!).
D21...man, is there a "Parent of Juvenile Adults Remedy" book coming out soon? I have made some progress with her, focusing on love, relationships, responsibility, and respect. Seems to be working, and she is listening. I'm listening, too, and trying to help her find the path she wants/needs.
-- You're being an awesome dad. Listening to her is key. Let her find her own path though. Guide her through asking questions and let her find her own answers.
Enjoy your GAL activity with the kids!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey, Ahoy. I'll take a shot. Keeping me on track takes a village.
W is still recovering from surgery. This was more about my kids having a place to sleep than anything. However, you are correct, and I intend to let her challenges be hers. I do want to have a PMA when we are in the same place at the same time. And that, I suppose was the focus I was trying to achieve for others who may find themselves in the same spot.
Two phone calls since D. All business. Other correspondence is via text, email, or in person. I don't initiate phone calls.
Yep, time to get on with my own life. Next challenge: Learn to say "No" without feeling guilty - to my XW and D21.
Conditioned responses are hard to break.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakspr, I'm with you on having to do thins for XW to take care of kids. Happens frequently, but I'd rather kid's life not be degraded more than them leaving has already done. Learning to say "NO" is hard cuz obviously I haven't mastered it yet
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
So, Six Flags was great and I miss having a wife to share my life with.
Plenty of stuff to be thankful for - early Christmas gift from Mom ($$), healthy fam (except stupid dog - goes to vet tmrw,) patient friends on the forum who are right there with me. I just want my wife back - 2005 version would be just fine.
This, too, shall pass.
Knowledge of her likely whereabouts doesn't help. No snooping required - it's her b-day and when I offered to bring kids by in evening (when SS15 should be bk from his Dad's) she said no, thanks. Outta town. And now I'm watching SS15 because her plan to have D21 stay with him overnight fell thru and she didn't get bk here until late. She's coming over early tomorrow to take them to school (I normally do on Monday) so I can take mutt to the vet and get to work on time. Reasonable exchange, smart use of resources, chilluns see us working together.
And I just took time with SS15 so XW and home wrecking OM can have a lovely evening. Probably.
Not sure I would change a thing, as I'll take all the time I can get with him...and yet...it [censored].
Just blowing off steam, really. Have been mourning the death of my marriage in my own way. Which is apparently housecleaning in advance of family visiting over Thanksgiving.
I'll try to be better about checking in on you guys this week. Not much to report here. Grief is not my friend. But this Dude abides.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I'm not doin' so good tonight. The fact that I am divorced for real is starting to set in. I would like to see the difference between hope and living denial a little clearer. I do accept that I can hope as long as I want. Right now it just seems like that will exacerbate my pain and stretch it out over time.
I am glad that I have no hate for XW. But I just can't wrap my head around all of it.
All I ever wanted was a family that was whole. Flawed, sure. But intact and capable of facing the world with a smile and a wink.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
You only have to look into Crimson's threads to realize that a divorce is just a piece of paper. I mean...it does not necessarily means that the marriage is dead. Just means that the old marriage is dead. A big difference right there.
Thinking Of you tonight, shakes. Like maybell, I'm amazed at how fast a divorce can be granted in certain states. It's no wonder you can't wrap your head around it. Pigs have longer gestation periods (I'm be no means relating pigs to your divorce or your ex, just the time table).
Sorry to hear you're having a rough night Shakes. There's nothing like getting the house ready for Thanksgiving to reflect about how your life has changed. I doubt you're living in denial, most of us just aren't built to absorb this kind of change that quickly and you're still adjusting.
I hear you about the whole family - this all seems so unnatural to me. I've taken some comfort in the way my remaining family, including my In-laws, have rallied round. I guess in some ways my family has unexpectedly grown throughout this.
I'm glad you got some extra time with SS15, regardless of the circumstances.
Would it be unreasonable to request XW not ask me to back her up with kid stuff when her activity is with OM? And basically tell her she's on her honor, as I'll never ask her whereabouts.
Or, you know, always take time with the kids and simply grin and bear it.
I'm of a mind that either course of action is acceptable. I'm kinda polling the crowd for opinions.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I got some input today from a real life friend that is hard to swallow but probably right.
She said, it totally works in my favor if he dates and finds out its not all he thinks it's cracked up to be. Because as long as I'm not making things worse, then my grass is greener than anybody else's. In the long run.
(Open question if I'm managing to not make things worse, but considering the train wrecks that have been taking place in my small community, I'm freaking amazing!)
So I'd say, If you put that out there to your already divorced wife, the main thing you'll lose is time wih your kids. My two cents.
Sending you hugs, Shakes, I really feel for you.
BTW, I saw a small live production a few years ago of a Shakespearean rendition of The Big Lebowski. So in your honor, I'll quote:
The Knave Abideth.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
She said, it totally works in my favor if he dates and finds out its not all he thinks it's cracked up to be. Because as long as I'm not making things worse, then my grass is greener than anybody else's. In the long run.
I certainly hope so because it's my plan.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Wow, Shake. That was hard to get my head around for a second.
Prayers from me too, buddy.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
