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Shakspr Offline OP
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BigMac: This is where faith steps in, for me.

I could have been the OM. W wrote me letters as her first marriage crumbled. We met once (it didn't get physical beyond a kiss and hand-holding), months later while she was separated from 1st husband with the divorce pending. For whatever reason, I didn't pursue. We stayed in touch - friendly stuff only - while I was overseas in the military for the following year.

After it became clear that I wanted a friendship and not a R or M to a divorcee w/ 2 kids (sorry, this was true for me at age 26), she found another candidate. Their marriage lasted 6 weeks before she moved out and simultaneously found out that she was pregnant w/ child #3.

I don't remember who called whom in early 1999, but she said that her divorce was ongoing and that I should go on with my life. She didn't want to be in contact. I learned later that this was because her son was about to be born, and her 2nd D couldn't be final until August 1999 (6 mo "cooling off period"). She reached out to me again, then, after her 2nd D was final. 3 days after, in fact.

Current OM is also from her past - not unlike me. She's known him and his extended family since HS. Seems decent enough on paper; has a life, a job, etc. Divorced. Kids are grown. I've never met him.

So, faith. She will see whatever she sees in him. He will see whatever he sees. And both will make decisions. My XW hasn't been unmarried for more than 1 1/2 years since she was 21. I hope that my thinly veiled threat not to expose my children to OM before anything less than a year sticks; that will allow the 6 mo+ window time to expire. (I recognize that this was a double-edged sword...as it sets a time for her to look forward to, to revealing her little family proudly to OM.) I slipped, but there it is.

I must have faith. Because all I can do is work on ME. I will be the better option. If she can't see that, then she will be the fool. And some other lucky lady will get a crack at me someday.

Whoever she is, XW or new woman, better have her $#!+ together. Because I certainly will. laugh


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Thats a tough one. It's been interesting looking at the female psychology of how they don't like to leave one relationship before lining up a new one.

Fear of being alone is strong in these women.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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Well - I think that cuts both ways. Not too many WAH stories on here that don't involve a OW.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Shakspr Offline OP
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Yeah, the affairs/divorce correlate pretty strongly for WAS and WAH. I wonder if "no affair" correlates more strongly to separation. Just curious, as I know finding these things out would require more time and resources than I have (maybe I should pique the curiosity of the Freakonomics guys.)

I will mindread BigMac a little...men don't typically have an affair to find a new life mate. They do it to escape or "get away" with something. We have a bent toward naughtiness. blush

It seems, however, that many WAS do think they've found the grass to be greener with OM. And that "this time" things will be different.

Men in MLC, it seems, sometimes just leave to try something new - and that isn't always an OW.

Women sometimes leave because they are simply too hurt by their husbands to stay - and that hurt is emotional more often than it is physical.

Bottom line, affairs are a symptom. And I now know that they are a symptom of unhappiness caused by 1) codependency, 2) lack of boundaries, and 3) expecting someone else to provide personal fulfillment and happiness. In no particular order.


Last edited by Shakspr; 10/28/14 10:11 PM.

Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Shakspr, buddy, I wish it was a different outcome. But whatever is about to happen, it's going to be good for you. Just hold on to that. God is awesome.

Whatever happened to the community theatre idea? I think you'd be a good actor in a Shakespearean saga. All the world's a stage, you've been living in a drama since the summer... acting should be a piece of cake for you.

Originally Posted By: BigMac
Thats a tough one. It's been interesting looking at the female psychology of how they don't like to leave one relationship before lining up a new one.

Fear of being alone is strong in these women.


I would've said this is more true about men than women. But who knows anymore? I remember my first boyfriend (Mr. Gritty was my 2nd). He got distant, then he called up all his old girlfriends, met with some of them while I wrung my hands. Finally he met someone new, cheated on me and left.

Since then, he's been married a couple of times. I know when he's about to get D, because that's when he contacts me (I won't give him the time of day, but he still tries!) He's still calling all his old girlfriends whenever he gets itchy feet, putting the feelers out, and then moving on. He did that when he was 21 and he's doing it now at 55. A real class act.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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Shakspr Offline OP
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Oh, it's going to be good, regardless.

Took a tough blow tonight from D21. She's telling me how she thinks I should handle counseling et al w/ siblings. Says she was subjected to much abuse from me and W and that coupled with a history of abuse and divorce in the family, we should have the kids in counseling early and often.

I'm happy she trusts me enough to tell me this stuff, but since I only agree with about 25% of it, how the heck do I simultaneously validate her and tell her to butt out. She's a blamer and a lasher. I am stymied at how to even begin. Fortunately she blasted all this via text, and she accepted my request for time to respond.

Just, ugh. I wonder if this will ever end. Makes me understand the motivations of the hardcore MLC'er!


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Sooooooo....is D21 in the college know it all phase by any chance? I think the early 20s are peak years for blaming your parents for stuff.

I guess I would thank her for the input and tell her you will share this with XW-and I would validate the 25% you agree with and also tell her the part about how you're happy that she trusts you enough to tell you these things.

I think texting lends itself to lashing.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Oh - and I don't think it will ever end- you're a parent after all smile. My poor In Laws are having to deal with their 40 year old son turning back into an adolescent seemingly overnight


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Shakspr Offline OP
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Yeah, I guess it's unrealistic to expect my children to take HS seriously, get some scholarships, leave home and just figure it out. I must be an anomaly.

I wish she were in college. Nope, that didn't take. She's got two part time jobs and is medic in the Army reserves.

I could give the whole story but here's the bottom line. My home is a happier place when she's not in it. Inserting her personality into a crisis is like pouring gasoline on a dumpster fire.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Originally Posted By: raliced
I think texting lends itself to lashing.


I can attest, yes it does.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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