Well, there's a whole depression chapter in DR. And I know that when I wanted to leave my H that I was very depressed. I mean, he certainly has/had faults as a husband, but the depression was all mine. I just wanted to get away from it. I was vulnerable, I felt unloved and uncared-for, and I have no doubt that if another man had come my way offering to fill those needs that it would have seemed sensible.
None of that will help while you are so very angry, of course. I don't know what to say to help you. I think maybe you just have to be in that place tonight or for a day or two and then see what happens.
Remember that saying and doing are two different things. It is part of WAS script that they would be surprised you don't feel the same way. (The night I found out about my husband's affair he asked me why I couldn't sleep!!)
Take care of yourselves. Nothing has changed -- she just threw words at you. You can state your boundary politely, and if you choose to go NC, then make sure you're doing it to give yourself some healthy space, and not as a punishment.
Hug. Sometimes it gets tougher before it gets better.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
"I'm not sure who or what has convinced you that it's okay to have an affair if you are separated. I disagree completely with that sentiment. I believe it is very disrespectful and unproductive. Until you are unwilling to date other men, I will have no direct contact with you, by any means and for any reason other than an emergency with D2. Any house decisions or communication shall be relayed through the realtor. We can sit down now and set the D2 calendar through the end of the year. If any changes need to be made, we will communicate them through (insert neutral intermediary). We can set the calendar for January and February through the intermediary (submit proposals, etc). All D2 handoffs will be at daycare, at church or at grandma's house, preferably with only one of us present."
Consult with Starsky before finalizing. He's the expert on these type of boundaries.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, there's a whole depression chapter in DR. And I know that when I wanted to leave my H that I was very depressed. I mean, he certainly has/had faults as a husband, but the depression was all mine. I just wanted to get away from it. I was vulnerable, I felt unloved and uncared-for, and I have no doubt that if another man had come my way offering to fill those needs that it would have seemed sensible.
Interesting. I can see in the weeks/months leading up to BD my wife was getting into a depressed and darker place. I could see it in the way the house looked, the way the she looked, etc. But I just realized that now. Food for thought. Sorry Card, no hijack intended.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Card, I missed seeing your boundary statement but there's way, way too much judgment in there. If Starsky visits your threads I'll wait for him to give guidance, but do not send what you wrote. It is very inflammatory and judgmental, implies she's not thinking for herself, and is so aggressive that I read it as borderline threatening.
Please, take some time off from the boards tonight, get yourself some soothing tea or warm milk, and try to find your center. Nothing has happened yet except that she threw some startling and upsetting words at you. You don't even know if she really believes them herself -- she said eventually. Time is on your side. Use it wisely.
I'll say a special prayer for you tonight. For wisdom, clarity, compassion, and peace.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Well, there's a whole depression chapter in DR. And I know that when I wanted to leave my H that I was very depressed. I mean, he certainly has/had faults as a husband, but the depression was all mine. I just wanted to get away from it. I was vulnerable, I felt unloved and uncared-for, and I have no doubt that if another man had come my way offering to fill those needs that it would have seemed sensible.
This seems so much like my sitch. Why can't they just see that we do love them.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Card, I missed seeing your boundary statement but there's way, way too much judgment in there. If Starsky visits your threads I'll wait for him to give guidance, but do not send what you wrote. It is very inflammatory and judgmental, implies she's not thinking for herself, and is so aggressive that I read it as borderline threatening.
Please, take some time off from the boards tonight, get yourself some soothing tea or warm milk, and try to find your center. Nothing has happened yet except that she threw some startling and upsetting words at you. You don't even know if she really believes them herself -- she said eventually. Time is on your side. Use it wisely.
I'll say a special prayer for you tonight. For wisdom, clarity, compassion, and peace.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Card, I missed seeing your boundary statement but there's way, way too much judgment in there. If Starsky visits your threads I'll wait for him to give guidance, but do not send what you wrote. It is very inflammatory and judgmental, implies she's not thinking for herself, and is so aggressive that I read it as borderline threatening.
Please, take some time off from the boards tonight, get yourself some soothing tea or warm milk, and try to find your center. Nothing has happened yet except that she threw some startling and upsetting words at you. You don't even know if she really believes them herself -- she said eventually. Time is on your side. Use it wisely.
I'll say a special prayer for you tonight. For wisdom, clarity, compassion, and peace.
I'm not doing anything without some serious get advice. I knew that was pretty judgmental. Part of me just wanted to see it written out. I really feel like she is getting this "healthy dating" stuff from her therapist. Whatever, trying to forget about where she came up with this.
You're right, I need a break the rest of tonight. Glad you guys were here in my moment of horror. I'll go find something comforting and then figure out how to cope tomorrow. Back to one day at a time.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
My STBX hit me with BD and the. Proceeded to go on a 3 month bender with booze, multiple men, and ended with a suicide attempt. I think depression and WAS to hand in hand.
It's not your fault. That's absurd. Stop it. You are responsible for your mistakes, not for her choosing to tear apart a family and/or self destruct. Frankly if anything I think it proves its not all your fault. I always said that if my STBX had been in mourning, going to church, and leaning for comfort on a male Sunday school teacher (recently widowed of course, with no PA because that wouldn't be right) it would've hurt much more. Crazy behavior and crazy blame is on them.
And it makes sense they walk when they are depressed. Why would they walk if things were great? When they're dark enough the BD is the ultimate anti-depressant. Think of what they gain immediately:
1) Hope. They get to hope the future will be better because they blame you for 100% of the problems. The blaming is a requirement for their shot of hope, if they're the problem they don't know what to do.
2) release from day to day problems. All the conflict between you two is now gone (in their mind...of course it's not that easy in their heart or real life but they believe this).
3) they get to do things they couldn't in the R that make them feel better short term. Affairs, drinking, re-discovering their true selves, etc. all the sacrifices of an R are gone and they can have a heyday
In reality, working on an M is hard, and the road would be difficult for 12+ months. Finding someone else and the road is appealing for 12+ months. When things are dark enough people will pick the easy road because they have to and spin the story in their head.
I have no advice on how to set a boundary. Personally I just let go and am trying to be the best man I can be for myself. I refer to her as my STBX for a reason, I don't see her as my W anymore. I am still going stand by my M, but only because it requires nothing different than moving on. Either way I'm not going to date right away. Either way I'm working on myself. Oy thing I have to do is not burn a bridge to avoid 'limbo' and not torture myself by remaining emotionally attached. She is gone and making her own choices. Maybe she'll change someday, but maybe not. She already hurt me enough on her own, I don't need to hurt myself further.
Careful with the boundaries. Setting and communicating them immediately isn't as important as making sure they are coming from your best enlightened self, that you will be proud of those words for the rest of your life, and that you will back them up. I'd recommend a DB coach today.
I feel your pain. It stinks. You can't change the circumstances but you can be proud of your responses to the sitch and that you aren't making it worse for you or your future potential.
Last edited by Zues126; 10/21/1403:54 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
