Depressed WAW 4

[bravo61]

My W threw her ring into the fountain at the Bellagio. Classy huh. And my kids were there!

[Card29]

My W threw her ring into the fountain at the Bellagio. Classy huh. And my kids were there!

Just wow. I'm sure that wasn't a pretty convo leading up to that, but that is ugly.

My W and I didn't always wear our rings before BD. I was definitely more consistent than her. And she basically did wear her ring at all in the 3-5 months before BD.

[jim0987]

Both took ours off the day after BD. She left to go to MIL and I asked her to take mine and look at the inscription inside. Not seen either of them since

[Ahoy]

I transferred my ring to my right hand months ago, but took it off for good yesterday. But that's because I'm truly done with H. I would still work on the M if he decides he wants to, but my heart isn't in it right now. I'm wondering if I should still be on these boards -- I feel like I'm setting a bad example. At the same time, I am totally succeeding at dropping the rope and having no expectations...

[Card29]

Ahoy you should definitely be here if you feel you need support or want to provide support for others. You are a great example for many people here going through the same type of sitch.

You've been together 16 years. I suspect that how you feel right now will not last forever, as it's only been a few days/weeks since you felt you were done (right?). Keep seeking yourself and take care of your D14 Detached and clear-headed is where you want to be IF that day comes with your WAH.

[3kids]

Hi Card29 just read through your posts. I was the one Sandi stole the post from for keeping the road paved smoothly.

Had a question for you. My wife has dealt with depression on and off for the last couple of years. How where you able to get help for her? Even though we are separated I would like to help her with this.

By the way sell that house because if you don't you'll end up in a short sale like mine. Ha ha

[Card29]

I don't know the status of your sitch, if she would be receptive to your advice or support. If it was me, I would first search my close friends and family for a good recommendation for a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist. If nothing there, then I'd ask my primary care physician for a recommendation. I would be hesitant to start a med from my primary doctor immediately, unless it's really bad and it's going to take a while to get an appt with a mental health professional. But if she's depressed and has been for a while, she needs help from a professional in that field.

I didn't get my WAW help, she got it for herself. She has been prescribed different anti-depressants by her primary care physician over the years, with varying results. A year+ ago, it got really bad and it took her a few weeks to find a psychologist/psychiatrist. Things seemed to get A LOT better last fall, and that was when we had our best 3-4 months of our R. Then when everything fell apart in the Spring, and she got even worse after she decided to leave me, I think she realized how bad it was and went back to the same mental health professional. They have her on one med she's taken before and one new med, a very potent drug. I hate to say it but I really don't know how well she is doing, even 3 months after she started going back to therapy. I have no idea what they talk about. I do know that she is still struggling with her appetite. She's lost like 35 pounds from when this crisis started. The first 25 were somewhat intentional, the last 10 have just been her not being able to eat enough calories. She's still a healthy weight, but it does continue to trickle down. I'm not codependent on helping her (if anything, I neglected her problem before BD and did not offer the support she needed), but I wish I could just be her H again and be there for her. She has been more outwardly happy on the few occasions I've spoke with her over the last month, so maybe that's a good sign. She's also good at hiding her pain (although I can usually see through it while others can't).

We are definitely selling the house. If the perfect housemate, someone I know and trust, falls in my lap, I'll consider that. Otherwise, I am doing Round 2 of house renovation (painting a couple of ugly-colored rooms), lowering the price a bit more, and hoping for some action.

[3kids]

Thanks for the advise. I also neglected my wife on that issue. But kind of a 180 for me to a point that I can help in some way. Suicide has been brought up in occasion in convo with wife. So just watching out for my kids and her is important. But she is kind of refusing it right know saying she can handle it on her own.

Maybe a 180 for you? If she felt neglected in that area. Remember what 25years says. And don't quote me on this but, with out change the WAW will never return to the same old marriage.

[Card29]

I wouldn't say I was cold or outrageously neglectful of her depression. I just wish I'd searched for resources to educate a spouse of a depressed person. I usually showed concern, but maybe not as seriously as I should have.

She is 100% unreceptive to my direct support now. I think I mentioned it one or two threads ago, but I was in a convo with her and she told me about a somewhat serious medical issue she has developed (unrelated to depression). On the same call, I felt comfortable and asked her how everything was going with therapy. I caught myself and said, "of course you don't have to tell me anything". And she coldly stated, "You're right. I don't." That made it pretty clear to me that she doesn't want my direct support. But I have found other ways to sneak in support. A couple of times we've talked about prayer with D2. I've told her different things we like to pray about, and it always includes something about mommy. And she has openly told me about her appetite/weight loss struggle, so I have encouraged her in that.

I am doing everything possible to NOT be the same old H. There is no doubt that if this M continues, it will be a 100% overhaul. If she considers the possibility at all, she'd have to be blind not to see it.

[bravo61]

Hey Card, saw on the other thread (Ahoy' s?) Bout your wife's FB post. What was yours (from last year)? My W did the same thing last December. I was visiting and had a dozen roses sent to her hospital on the anniversary of our first date & engagement. She posted pic of the roses. Her post "this week marked 15 yrs since our first date & 11 since we got engaged. Glad life is full of so many good surprises." Nice huh