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Maybell #2499070 10/21/14 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell


The separation is bad enough, I don't want to put my kids through a divorce.



Maybell, can you expand on this for me, please? My HUGE mental hang-up is telling my kids that dad's moving out. Once he does and my kids are shuttling back and forth between places, then I'm having a hard time seeing D as anything but a paperwork difference. What's the difference as you see it? Is it that a S is not permanent and there's hope of reconciliation? Or is it something else for you?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Maybell #2499071 10/21/14 02:41 PM
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Maybell, you have given some of us incredible support lately. In some ways I think it is cathartic to empathize with and support others who are going through similar trauma. But I wonder if they has worn on you some, especially with your detachment.

Of course, it is a roller coaster for all of us, so backslides out of detachment are to be expected. They might even be necessary to process everything.

Thanks for being there last night in my darkest hour


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499078 10/21/14 02:51 PM
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When H told the kids he was moving out, he left the door open for coming home. So at the moment everything is "for now." If we divorce, I won't stay in this house, I'll move into one that is much more manageable for a single mom. My kids are planning for what they'll do in this house as teenagers (it is a great house & property, with tons of potential for all ages). It would be a lot of hopes and dreams dashed in one big decision.

Card, it has been helpful to me to be supportive around here, especially for you and Ss, because I saw myself in you a lot.

I think that my detachment is suffering because
1) I DO spend way too much time here,
2) I have a close friend who's going through a big marital crisis now and we spend a lot of time talking about our situations
3) the codependency book I was reading used a lot of language I heard from my husband in the months leading up to the separation and
4) we've been having to communicate a lot for the kids and see one another much more regularly now that he's stepping up better, and it hurts me to see him and hear his voice and have him be so unreachable.

Well, the only way out is through. And one way or another, things are better now than they were a year ago. Who knows what the future will hold.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2499090 10/21/14 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
When H told the kids he was moving out, he left the door open for coming home. So at the moment everything is "for now." If we divorce, I won't stay in this house, I'll move into one that is much more manageable for a single mom. My kids are planning for what they'll do in this house as teenagers (it is a great house & property, with tons of potential for all ages). It would be a lot of hopes and dreams dashed in one big decision.



I figured that was it. I just wanted to see if there was something else. For me, S and D seem very similar, probably because I am not experiencing S yet.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2499131 10/21/14 04:28 PM
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Detaching is always going to be hard but your doing great.

Its really good that you are able to support others on here and your close friend. Maybe try and do something wild and crazy (not thelma and louise crazy, but crazy) with that good friend it might do you both good to focus on something else.

Your a strong person and the downs help us to appreciate what's still good.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
SunnyB #2499140 10/21/14 04:57 PM
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Detaching is always going to be hard but your doing great.

Its really good that you are able to support others on here and your close friend. Maybe try and do something wild and crazy (not thelma and louise crazy, but crazy) with that good friend it might do you both good to focus on something else.

Your a strong person and the downs help us to appreciate what's still good.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Maybell #2499179 10/21/14 06:30 PM
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It's okay to grieve for the relationship that you once had, the connection. It's a natural part of the process. Just don't linger in that head space too long. Focus your attention on anything else, as best you can.

I too have hope when I hear about second marriages (although I think I'll probably not wed legally again, since I don't plan on having any more kids). In a way, I'm even a little excited to think about meeting someone new, even though I know I'm far from ready at this point.

Either way, the future holds new things for us all -- and not all bad, either.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2499349 10/22/14 01:21 AM
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It's hard not to linger in that place.

I went to lunch with a group of four friends today and who should walk in to place a to go order but H. They all got his attention and greeted him, rather awkward. He went and sat at the table next to ours to wait for his order till my closest friend called him to come and sit with us. Right across from me. The six of us made casual conversation till his food came and then he absolutely bolted.

Later, one of the friends that I know less well said she hoped she wasn't getting into my business but that watching the way he looks at me, it's hard to believe we're separated. She said he clearly cares about me. The one who'd invited him to sit with us said he kept looking over at us (I made a concerted effort to not look at him at all.) She suggested that he was waiting for an opening from me, and at I'm too subtle. Another friend who saw him Friday picking up the kids told me over the weekend that she feels like he looks at me with great tenderness.

It's hard to hear these things and turn my mind away from him.

In other news... It appears my kids do actually listen to me. H took S8 to Cub Scouts tonight. Apparently S8 got up the nerve to say that he wanted to spend a lot more time with his dad. He said he couldn't remember what H said. But whatever it was, S8 was brave enough to push the point and said that he wanted to spend every other week with my H. H said, "that would be really difficult." At this point S8 got the look on his face that told me he wanted to cry, so I climbed up on the top bunk with him and snuggled him, talked about it a little more, and then we made some goofy jokes and laughed for a while. S8 was pretty clingy, but seemed a little better by the time I turned off the light.

I am SO PROUD of S8 for trying to speak up for his needs that way. That must have been really hard for him. I wish H had given him a better answer, but I will do everything I can to continue encouraging him to feel empowered to pursue what he needs (and the others as well of course). I don't think there could have been anything harder for him to do than address his needs directly to his dad, especially if he's feeling abandoned. I can't say enough about what strength he showed in that moment.

In GAL news, tonight I made myself a few mushroom & bacon jam pasties to serve with baby kale salad so I can have some delicious and easy lunches and no longer eat kid food. This was the most complicated and sophisticated meal I've made just for myself since H moved out and represents a new level of self-worth -- I've NEVER cooked so nicely just for myself.

And tomorrow is red hair day!!! smile

Have a wonderful evening, friends.

Last edited by Maybell; 10/22/14 01:21 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2499355 10/22/14 01:36 AM
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You will love your red as much as I love my dark purple stripes.


That's nice he cares, mine seems not to, well Nothing positive that I can see. Apart for sweating broken glass when went to collect my stuff. Which he refuses to have ready.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Maybell #2499357 10/22/14 01:39 AM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
It's hard not to linger in that place.
My goodness is that true.

Great update about S8 and, as always, anything related to bacon jam is welcome on this forum.

That has to be hard to hear those things from your friends and not dwell on them. Maybe there is some truth to what they say, but remember:

- They have not been there for every conversation, through all of the betrayal and pain, and through all of the work you've done. A look across a restaurant can't wipe all of that out
- He knows how you feel, right? You don't need to tell him or bat your eyes at him every time you see him.
- They are surely rooting for your M. They know you would ultimately like to R your M, so they may just be trying to encourage your hope. My in-laws, our shared friends, and even our realtor have said similar things ("you guys are so wonderful together", etc.)

Now, would you say your reaction to him in the restaurant is typical for you when you see him? I'm not suggesting anything different, just asking.

Good night, Maybell! Still so glad you were active last night. You swing a deft 2x4 :P


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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