Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[jim0987]

Mozza - this is the first time im going to to be this blunt on these boards. HELL NO!!

You don't have to accept a change like that even if it is only symbolic. You have to keep your kids best interests in mind and from the sounds of it you don't think this change would be.

Validate by all means but don't agree to it because you feel you should. Acknowledge what she is saying but maybe suggest its something you discuss when things are more settled.

[Lifes Twists]

I would tell wife that you do not feel friend would be an appropriate god mother to your daughter. I would say if she feels previous godmother is not appropriate then both can choose a new one that both can agree on.

Your wifes friend sounds like my sister in law. Like to cause trouble since they are liberated women, but will run when the going gets tough.

[LisaB]

Hi Mozza,

I agree with the others that you do not need to accept this godmother change.

1. there is nothing wrong with the current godparents
2. if she wants this person to be an influence on your child that is fine (or at least I don't think you need to fight about this now) but there is no need to change godparents

It sounds like this idea is just part of the poor decision making your W is currently doing. I don't know every detail of your situation but it sounds like you have the same troubles as many of us on here. Your spouse is suddenly acting very different, testing boundaries and exploring new sides of themselves. It seems crazy and irrational to us. But many of the WAS described on here are behaving the same way.

We have to let them go on their path. It is very likely that they will find out the grass is not greener. Will they return to us when their new dreams are dashed upon the rocks? Who knows! But we can make it more likely by embracing DB. Get out there and focus on yourself. GAL and make your own changes. Look at the mistakes you made in your R and improve yourself. Appear to be strong, confident and happy.

Giving in to every crazy wish your wife has is not going to make you seem strong. You don't have to be mean, but I think you need to just say no.

As someone else said, perhaps reply in an email. Validate her thinking but then you can say you don't want to make the change at this time. I would guess that this request will pass and is likely just in response to goading by the friend.

Mozza, regarding your upcoming lunch meeting, I know you can do it! Be strong, be confident and seem happy. Think of one or two changes or GAL activities you can highlight in conversation. This helped me a lot in meetings with my WAH. Instead of talking about R I would share some great success story I had or just talk about a fascinating new book I read. It helped make me seem like I was doing great and wasn't obsessed with our R and gave me something to talk about in awkward moments. Just remember that she is in a crazy fog right now and try not to get too down about what she says. Most of us have heard our WAS say one thing one week and the opposite the next. Try to stay cool and confident.

Good luck Mozza!

Hugs, Lisa

[B-V2]

Hello Mozza

As I wrote yesterday as a reply to you on my own thread with regards to your upcoming lunch meeting:

Yes: keep your distance, read and re-read sandi2's rules (while understanding that those are not iron-glad rules) often and understand that while we LBS's go through the roller coaster ride, so does the WAW/S. Just on different cycles/depths and up's and down of it.

The following has served me well too thus far:
- Practicing on how to STFU most of the time while listening and replying with proper validation (which is not the same as agreeing with everything said) while looking them in the eyes when they talk is another great help and tool (as per sandi2's rule 25), and not only for this crisis.
- Be the one who ends meetings at the right moment (as you are busy and having a life) and then to leave. That, instead of sitting and dragging it out and then have an awkward ending/departure. Good to keep in mind for your upcoming lunch meeting next week and beyond.
- First healing ourselves is key. And as you do not want to "rinse repeat" and bring the same problems into the next relationship (with whoever that will be), it helps to be self critical as we can only change ourselves.

[Mozza]

Thanks all for your advice. You're amazing to take the time and be so thoughtful. You're making me think twice about my perspective. I have ambivalent feelings about whether Anna is a good role model for my daughters. She's very accomplished, but at the same time she has some personality traits with which I'm not comfortable. Perhaps a waiting period is in order. I expect this thing to blow up though because, by the sound of it, my W has adopted the advice and model of her friend Anna and this will feel like a personal rejection.

What's been on my mind since last night is the thought that my W might be having some low-grade psychosis. Medical friends have told me before that she has a "bipolar personality" but I never paid attention to it. Here are a few signs, for future reference. None of them are final proof and, even taken together, she's not a mental ward case: she's still functional as far as I know and I don't yet fear for the safety of the kids.

- She's very verbal when we meet and will barely let me put a word in. She's hyper, makes it sound like she's very excited. She constantly skips from one subject to the next.
- Other times (twice now) she's bellicose, looking for a fight while I'm obviously not. She sounds like she's in her own spin and doesn't want to be interrupted or contradicted.
- Her "need to call" at 9:30 pm last night was unusual as we barely communicate these days. The topic was not urgent by any means, especially as we were setting up a lunch appointment for next week in a parallel exchange, specifically to talk about the kids.
- She was on anti-depressant medication and I don't know if she still takes them. I know she had skipped them a few days last month.
- She is (was?) taking way more alcohol than usual. She barely drinks usually (3-4 times a year?) and now she seems to drink several times a week. At least, she was when she left.
- She's disorganized with the kids. She drops them off to school earlier than needed (it seems) and puts them to bed an hour earlier than we used to. I don't know when she even has the time to see them. She throws stuff in the suitcase without folding it, she forgets a lot of stuff (all the winter gear this week). As far as I know, she's been feeding them readymade meals every day. We used to cook.
- Anna was the opposite of a role model for her and now she wants her as the godmother of our eldest D. That's quite a change.
- She's bought all of appliances in one day, most of her furniture in a week-end, signed the lease on the first apartment she visited. Perhaps it was out of necessity, but I see here that people cohabit longer than 10 days before separating.
- She's planning on dressing like a sexy cop (I'm being polite) for Halloween and going around bars to get drunk. She's never worn anything overtly sexy, nor really dress up for Halloween. (bipolar disorder increases libido in manic stage)
- She treats her work and colleagues like a drug, as a said here before. She would get aggressive if I stood in the way and would have little regard for the kids, until I brought it up.

And, of course, she left me almost overnight. I just don't recognize her.

I know there's nothing I can make her do. It's not my intention. Also, she's already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, who prescribed her anti-depressants. I don't know what she tells them, but I'd hope they would notice something's wrong. But knowing that perhaps this is what she's going through can inform the way I see the whole situation and how I interact with her. I can be on the lookout for a worsening of the situation.

So this is very much on my mind as it would cast a new light on my separation or at least on the way forward.

[Zimmy]

As one of my close friends put it to me, they are in crazytown right now. They are sick emotionally and probably have some deep-rooted character flaws that are coming out - there is nothing you did to cause this, and there is little you can do to fix it.

[Mozza]

I forgot at least two symptoms.

- She lost some 15 pounds, which is over 10% of her weight. Apparently it's an important sign, but I lost just as much because of the stress.
- She has insomnia. She's had this problem for a long time, but it has continued through the separation.

[Mozza]

Of course, I went to read about bipolar disorder, mania and hypomania. There's no way to diagnose my W from a distance, but it seems reasonable to think that she has some degree of hypomania. She also has some medical history that makes it more likely, so it's not like she's hypomaniac just because she left me.

I also found this interesting blog post from a spouse on how to speak to a bipolar person (he's facing a serious, diagnosed, medicated case). It's surprising how much it mirrors DB: there's not much you can do, but get out of the way, let it play out and protect yourself. You're not responsible for the harm they are doing. It's reinforcing and I thought some of you who may suspect that their spouse's behavior is due to some chemical imbalance may be interested to read that.

[Mozza]

... aaand the high is gone. I could feel physically the low coming. I simply regretted in passing being unable to share today's work with her and that was it for me. Now my eyes are swelling and I can hardly work.

I once wrote a song (for personal use, don't search iTunes!) about three characters who are at the top of their field, but all get broken down by a girl. I had no idea it would be me one day (though I'm at the top of no field). Now I'm almost forty and she has me crying every day, speaking to my parents for hours every day, spending most of my sane hours looking for ways to cope with the pain, reading books about love. Like all of you, I never thought I would end up here. I never meant to separate.

Sorry, this interruption was sponsored by Sorrow & Pain. Now back to our main program.

[SunnyB]

Mozza, I work for a church. On rare occasion, we have added a godparent, but that doesn't remove the previous ones. The child just now has another one.

That doesn't change the question of whether this woman would be a good godmother, but I just wanted to add that perspective in case it made any difference to you.