Hello all. I've been reading the forums for a while, just registered.
I've been with my BF for 10 years, no kids. At the end of July, he came home one day and told me he was done with our relationship. He'd apparently had an affair, which I didn't see coming. I knew our relationship wasn't exactly what it had been in the past and that we had some issues, but not to this extent.
He told me he felt neglected; lack of sex, lack of quality time, no connection between us and "we have nothing in common" (which is ridiculous, we have tons of things in common). Of course he spoke nothing of his own wrong-doings, it was all a finger pointed at me. He felt he had addressed these things with me (personally I beg to differ), and he was too tired to try to work on our relationship, he just wanted out.
He claims that he's not "in a relationship" with the person he was having an affair with it's just sex. But they do spend time together, and are physical. I do know her personally, as an acquaintance, as well as her husband. That's right, she's married. He says she's separated from her husband, but from what I can tell, she separated just at the same time he told me we were done -- like I'm not supposed to think it was a set up so they could rush into a relationship together, or something. Who knows.
Anyway, I moved out because I can't afford our apartment on our own. I've been out for a couple of weeks and after all the details on the separation have been dealt with, I'm not contacting him first. No texts, no calls, no nothing; giving him time to miss me.
I'd love for him to come to his senses and decide he does have feelings for me and he wants to be with me, but I guess all I can do is fix me and try to move forward. I know fairy tale endings don't happen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I had the same thing happen with my wife. It was made to be all my fault and I took it that way for weeks until I found out about the OM. Now I realize that they do have to think that way to justify their actions.
Scary part was when I was reading through your post, I thought for a second you were the OM's GF!! Very similar situation and timeline to mine.
Biggest thing here is to concentrate on yourself. As much as it is hard to do, there's very little we can do to make our partner's come to their senses. They need to do that themselves.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Hello Little - Sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound typical and it must be painful to look back and see the causes that lead to the separation. I know it is in my own situation.
It sounds like you're already in the right track by giving him space. Contacting and begging would only annoy him, it seems. It might take time, if he's with someone. The next step, if you can, is to get your own life and become more attractive. Make him see what he's missing. It can take time and I'm barely there myself, but I hope you'll soon find the energy and courage.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I don't know how he's going to see what he's missing if we're never in contact, but it's okay.
I'm trying to take it one day at a time so the pain of missing him, our relationship, and knowing things could be fixed if he were to take my hand and be willing. I need that distraction. I'm getting out with friends and going places and doing things.
I guess time will tell what develops and happens, and I'm looking forward to getting support from and supporting everyone here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Well, my plans for tonight with a few friends have been canceled. I'm going to have to find some way to spend my evening.
Usually I'm okay during work hours but it's the after time that bugs me, when I normally would have come home to and communicated with the BF. During dinner, home time, all that.
I've still got a lot of unpacking and sorting to do, but that gives me a ton of time to think so I've been putting it off. Maybe I should just power though and get it done.
Had a small set-back emotionally last night and couldn't stop the tears. C'est la vie. More strength today.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Sorry you're here too. Like you'll hear all around here, detach best you can. That's been hard for me, but talked to a friend whose W had an A in their first year. LET IT GO is what he said worked for him. Every ugly thought you have, let it go. Hard to do, but helps to improve sleep and appetite. Snooping is a bad idea too, unless you don't have enough anxiety in your life. My problem is snooping's too easy. Let it go. I say it all day.
Good luck, God bless.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
The friend that had canceled ended up canceling on me, so we went out to dinner. I was very glad for the distraction.
I had to text the boyfriend about an important piece of postal mail that was delivered to the old address and asked him to put it in the garage so I could pick it up . I tried to keep it logistics-only but he tried to get friendly and wanted me to send him a picture form an event I'm attending this weekend.
At that point, I shut him down. I told him that I didn't want to be friends with him. I said that I wasn't trying to be mean or dig into him, but we had two vastly different points of view as far as our relationship and our breakup is concerned. I respect and accept his point of view, but he refused to acknowledge that I had a side and he hurt me deeply, too. I told him I love him intensely and consider him my soul mate, and want to repair and rebuild our relationship with a clean slate, only looking at the past to know what needs to be addressed and fixed, on the other hand, is done with me in a romantic sense and is moving on. The only one that stands to get hurt from this if we continue to interact as friends is me.
He said, "Okay, that [censored]." No crap, you think? Take a walk in my shoes. LOL
My response was to tell him that we can give each other space and time and revisit this in the future, but being in his life as a friend and yet wanting more was going to be too much to handle.
He said, "Okay, if you change your mind let me know."
NOW I GO BACK TO BEING DARK and hoping I don't have to contact him again. I feel better and this has allowed me to detach because I made this call, not him. Before it was him telling me what was happening. Now I'm telling him where I am, standing up for myself, and making choices for me.
I'm still upset and shattered about this whole sitch, of course, but the ball is in his court. He knows where to find me, although I'm not holding my breath.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I meant "un-cancelled", above. I have a full weekend planned but now I'm feeling sort of under the weather. I've got a very stuffy nose, muscle aches....I'm thinking head cold.
Hopefully this stays away so I can go.
Working on trying to keep the mister out of my head and not rehashing "why" over and over or being upset when I recall something he said that I felt doesn't match my truth. Someone said a big red stop sign? Working on it.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I don't know how he's going to see what he's missing if we're never in contact, but it's okay. --- the ball is in his court. He knows where to find me, although I'm not holding my breath.
Maybe I misunderstand the method, but it seems to me that our role as LBS is not to stay dark forever. At some point, when negative feelings have cooled down, when the WAS seems to have warmed up, we're supposed to approach them (as new people). Isn't it how it works?
I can tell you're suffering. Know that a lot of us are experiencing similar pain. Something we didn't even know existed or that we would feel one day. I wish you strength.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sure, but I don't know how I'll know when it's "time" to do the contacting. Especially if he hasn't contacted first.
I guess it's still early in the game. I can give it a few weeks or even a month and see what the situation is when that time comes.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Unexpected text this morning asking me not to forget to pay the last payment on the cable...which I was paying and he had shut off. Coupled with a "Good morning and I hope your day is going good. :)"
The text I sent back back was "Understood. This weekend is going to be hectic so I'll pick up my mail Sunday night".
I was intending to leave it at that, but he replied, "Fun hectic, I hope". He's never really showed interest in my goings on since he left. He also told me he's going to some car show this weekend, since the weather's supposed to be nice. Again, never been interested in telling me what he's doing since he left.
Testing boundaries, perhaps?
Last edited by Little; 10/17/1403:19 PM.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little -- Don't get sucked back into his drama. Try not to wonder about what he's doing or thinking. It's pointless and a waste of your energy, which you could be using to make your own life better. Just carry on with your life. Don't bother with the WHY because your BF isn't thinking clearly, and any excuse he's given you is likely coming from his need to justify his actions.
Chin up!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'll do both. Note it as a baby step, not worry about it or dwell and keep focusing on me!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Sure, but I don't know how I'll know when it's "time" to do the contacting. Especially if he hasn't contacted first.
I'm in the exact same situation: fresh separation (1 month, already), things are good with WAS and wondering how I will know it's time to make contact. I've seen other methods going from an overly precise "after a month" or a more vague "when you're emotionally ready" (ie. won't do something stupid), etc. A friend told me "you'll know when it's time." Timing can be crucial, I also read, as the WAS might be having doubts, being dumped/disappointed by OM, etc. Or the opposite: met someone new a couple of weeks earlier, gotten over doubts, etc. In choosing the right moment, there seems to be a lot of art involved, and little science!
Keep sharing your experience. I'm interested to know how it goes.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I had sooooooooooooooo much fun this weekend! Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, but as of right now, I'm all...."boyfriend who?". HA!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
My temporary living situation is with a very dear, old, close friend, her mother, and her 13 year old son. The four of us are sharing the responsibilities for cleaning the house and it's working out very well.
For ten years, I was responsible for everything in the home I shared with BF. I don't think he cleaned the bathroom once since we moved in. I would try to keep on the dishes, but then I got fed up and the dishes would pile up until I either got sick of waiting for him to notice and did them myself, or I nagged for some help.
It got to the point where I was bound and determined I would not be the only one in the house doing any chores, and paid a friend who needed extra income to do it for me. Including mowing the lawn, which I paid for because BF would come home from a crappy work situation and pass out on the couch by 7pm (which he later claims was because he was depressed about our R, who knows).
Once he told me that he contributes to the chores because he gets up early to snow blow the driveway when it snows and if I wanted, we could switch. I asked if that meant I could come home and watch TV after working 8 hours, while someone else cooked and then served me dinner for the rest of the year -- because, if yes, where did I sign up? He didn't get it.
Then, in one of the conversations BF and I had after BD and before I moved out, he claimed he felt like I was his mother. I cooked, I cleaned, but there wasn't much sex going on (to which I declare between us DBers that he exaggerated...we had sex in minimum of once a week, if not more than that -- I really felt under appreciated which contributed to my hesitancy to be intimate often). I asked him if he thought I LIKED doing all that and nagging him. I asked if he thought I truly enjoyed having to get on him about helping me and doing it all on my own. He stared at me like I had two heads, but I don't think it penetrated.
My point: I just cleaned the bathroom here, because the bathroom is my chore. But someone else does the dishes and someone else vacuums the carpets and someone else takes out the trash. It doesn't feel like soul-breaking work when the load is split and shared.
Many hands make light work. And how.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hi Little, I think a lot of us can relate to your story about inequality in household duties! I know I can. When my H moved out I was so happy with the reduced amount of clean up and the fact that the house remained clean all the time! No one to pick up after but me!
My H also did the exact same thing with friendly text messages. As others said, is note it as a positive baby step and yet keep ignoring him. Sounds super similar to my situation, my H has been friendly texting since he left almost 4 months ago. The best response as far as I can tell is to be friendly back but brief and not to contact him first. If your story evolves like mine I'm guessing your BF will be wanting to see you so get ready for the random excuses for meeting up.
Good (well not good exactly) to see others on here with similar situations that I can relate to. Hopefully we can all help and support each other.
Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Thanks, Lisa. Already checked out your thread and left a little advice.
Spoke to BF this morning regarding some more logistics. I have some things in his garage that need to be removed and were supposed to be gone by yesterday, but I'm waiting on a friend with a trailer to get her rear in gear. I explained this morning in a short text what the hold up was, and he was polite and accommodating in return. Even said "No worries, don't sweat it" with a smiley face.
Grrr, show some emotion, dude! You just blew up an 8 year relationship.
Okay, I know, I know -- don't focus on him or his emotions...or lack there of.
This morning, I was invited to a Hindu friend's home for a Diwali (dee-vali) celebration on Thursday, in which they light candles and offer prayers for prosperity and good fortune for the coming year. And then they feast!
I'm very much looking forward to it, as the Indian culture is beautiful and Hindu faith often matches with my own spiritual core. It will be nice to put my soul's efforts into something of this nature.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Having a surprise bad day. Frustrated by all the defense I'll never get out. I've validated his feelings and admitted to my crap but some of his accusations are false and unfair.
I'm also missing him greatly AND sexually frustrated. Maybe my hormones are making my emotions weak.
I almost drove past the old house last night. Got into a fight with a friend and went for a drive. I stopped by reminding myself I don't need the grief it will cause if his F buddy's car is there. It doesn't matter who or what he's doing right now:
This too shall pass.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Yes, I've read both, along with His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. I've watched a lot of Michelle's videos on YouTube, as well.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Frustrated by all the defense I'll never get out. I've validated his feelings and admitted to my crap but some of his accusations are false and unfair.
Hi Little, Thanks for dropping by my thread the other day. I'm on to you now!
I was fascinated by your phrase above. What did you mean by that?
Last edited by ganb8te; 10/22/1410:37 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Frustrated by all the defense I'll never get out. I've validated his feelings and admitted to my crap but some of his accusations are false and unfair.
Hi Little, Thanks for dropping by my thread the other day. I'm on to you now!
I was fascinated by your phrase above. What did you mean by that?
I've heard his point of view about what his issues with me in our R were. I've admitted to my piece, validated his feelings about them, apologized, and told him there's a lot I'd change about the past and if I could go back and do things differently, I would.
That said, some of the thing he's said to me when discussing why he feels our R is "just done" bother me. I know his truth is his truth, and it's valid no matter how I feel about it. I know I'm not supposed to believe what he says when he's lashing out, because he's only focused on the negative right now. BUT, I'm an emotional human being. Sometimes snippets of those things said float back to me and I get upset I can't give my side of some of the things he's saying.
To give one example, he told me there was no affection in our relationship, which I feel is seriously just plain BS. I'd never tell him that, because it would be counter-productive, but I can list sixteen different ways we were affectionate on a daily basis, and it bothers me he's just pretending those things didn't exist.
I guess I feel stirred to defend the good things we shared, as much as I can't/shouldn't/won't.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
HIM: I have your cardboard puzzle holder. I left it with all the puzzle pieces that were still in it on top of my car.
HIM: Hope you're doing well without crabby patients at work.
HIM: I mean the car in the garage lol
HIM: Not flying away.
In truth he can throw that crap away, it's been under the couch for so long and I haven't even looked at it.
I'm tempted to ignore him, but I might just respond "Thanks" and leave it alone.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"Sometimes snippets of those things said float back to me and I get upset I can't give my side of some of the things he's saying."
Tell him "I see. I don't recall it being like that, but I'm interested in seeing why you might think that."
Usually that throws the WAS for a loop because you're not flying off the handle and being emotional. It throws the ball back into their court and makes them have to "think" about what they just said and whether or not it makes sense.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Nicely phrased, MrBond. (I can't say that without putting on a Russian accent in my head). May I ask, were you always able to phrase things like that…and if not, how did you train yourself? That sounds like a stupid question but I find my reactive communication style gets in the way of this type of exchange; I'm trying to make changes in this area to improve all my relationships (personal and professional).
Sorry for the hijack Little! As for you - good exchange with the BF earlier. Regarding your comments, and your perspective that you don't get the opportunity to defend, why do you have to? You were there. You lived it. It was your reality. You don't need to defend that to him. David Schnarch talks about self-validation vs other-validation. It's difficult to observe our S's re-writing history but that will only bother us if we rely on other-validation.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
"May I ask, were you always able to phrase things like that…and if not, how did you train yourself? "
There's no such thing as a stupid question. What's stupid is not asking the question in the first place. In my situation (and many others with the WAS), my W had shut down and didn't want to talk about anything. Whenever she did, it was always in anger.
It was a cheeseless tunnel. So I started thinking about what I could do differently. I figured that rather than talking with her, I would just communicate with her in a different way. I listened to posters like 25yrsmlc and sandi2 who took me to the woodshed more than once when I did the wrong thing. I listened to advice that I didn't personally agree with and tried to understand. I read books on communication and how to work on your marriage without talking about it. I read books on how to read body language like the CIA. And I read and tried to learn everything I could about women.
I started testing out what I learned. When we talked and it started to escalate into an argument, I slowed things down. I watched how her body responded. I validated and if I saw that she disagreed with what I said through her body language, I would quickly shift gears and reword what I said until I could see her body start getting less tense. Eventually her arms would stop crossing and she started to slowly pay attention to what I was saying. And likewise I showed her the proper body language that showed her that I was listening.
It took months of this but it improved things dramatically. Just do what works and NEVER EVER dismiss the advice given to you even though you disagree. There is no right or wrong answer.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Thank you, Mr Bond, for this elaborate response (again with the Russian accent). So far my thread hasn't grabbed the attention of a vet. If I can entice you over there I'd like to explore this issue with you further. Don't want to hijack Little's thread with more questions if this isn't an area that she's working on!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Such a $&@?! day! Weather [censored], several minor emergencies stressing me out.
I will survive!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Ah, New England weather. I remember it well (lived in Boston for 7 years). You know what they say...just wait a few minutes. Twain, wasn't it? Was he also going through a separation at the time?
What are you doing by way of GAL? Might help with the stress.
Last edited by ganb8te; 10/23/1409:57 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Lots of hanging out with friends; dinner, events, day trips, seasonal autumn activities. I'm a homebody so it's a 180 as well.
Last night I went to a Diwali celebration!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hi Little, Great response to the texts. Funny I see our situations as so similar. My H could have written those texts... keeping in touch because of random items he finds of mine is his favorite reason.
You did great!
Regarding his false reasons for the break up and your anger, I think Mr Bond answered it perfectly (of course). But I just want to chime in and say I definitely have the same experiences, as I know many of us do. And I'd like to add that my WAH is now forgetting the reasons he gave for leaving. He even tells me the opposite things now. So if you can, try not to think about it too much. My H was fishing for reasons when the true main reason was his exciting attraction to OW.
I still get angry about those things he said but if you know they aren't true, just try to stop the thought with something like "he's in a crazy fog"...
I love the advice from Mr Bond. I'll have to practice some of those tips!
No communication in a few days, but it's okay. I don't want to communicate with him right now. I'm just in a place that if he wants me, he knows where to find me.
Got out to the pumpkin patch with my family today, the weather was beautiful. I'm chilling in my (new) bedroom after sprucing it up to my liking. Candles lit, music going, some incense. It's neat and uncluttered and I need not deal with anyone else's clutter or crap here.
It's almost like the longer I'm out, the more I realize I don't have to deal with the crap that used to drive me nuts. Hahah.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"It's almost like the longer I'm out, the more I realize I don't have to deal with the crap that used to drive me nuts. Hahah."
I know what you mean. There are days though that I'd gladly deal with the crap. I'm working hard to see past the stuff that irritates me and see the beautifully flawed person that I'm still madly in love with.
On the flip side, I have candles burning in my room too,
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
You got it, Jefe. I'll call it the "silver lining" to the sitch I don't want to be in. LOL
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
And here's the thing...I've come to realise that these were the things we should have been doing all along. Whatever it takes to keep us happy and moving forward...that's got to be good for a relationship no matter what state it is in.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
ganb8te, Yes. I believe you are correct. If I had been working on my flaws and ignoring hers I think I would be in a much different place today.
Oooohhh, Australia. Got a soft spot for Australia.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Little, I totally hear you! To be completely honest I LOVE living alone. In fact, small secret is that I don't want to live with WAH again. Or really anyone else for that matter. I am sure that could change but being able to do whatever I want in my own home is such a luxury. To not have to call someone if I will be late to make them dinner, to be able to do whatever I want in my free time, to be clean or messy if I feel like it, to not have to deal with someone else around all the time.
The truth is I don't miss living with him at all. Not at all!!! And I'm sure that is the one thing he misses most about me. ha!
I love your attitude, you sound so strong and confident. I am sure that attitude will l help lure your BF back, and if it doesn't you will surely be fine anyway.
Ahhh Australia, as a US expat living in Queensland, I say come on over. It is fantastic here! I can't wait to get citizenship!
Little, you seem to be doing well, keep it up!
Me: 40 W: 40 22 Years together, 14 Married D8 + D7 Aug 2012 - Separated Sep / Oct - Back Together May 2014 - WAW / Divorce Bomb / Separation Jun/Jul - Suspected Other man / Confirmed Now - WAW moving out
Something about this evening has me missing him. Not sure what, but I want to reach out to him and ask how his weekend was.
I'm not going to. I need to remind myself that he's chosen to separate our lives and very may well be starting a relationship with someone else -- who knows. Regardless, by all appearances he doesn't want me, and if he missed me, he'd be reaching out to ME.
Doesn't mean I don't love the person he is when he's not an alien and miss him.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I know the feeling, Little. I miss my wife so much it physically hurts, sometimes.
Me and the kids had a fun outing today and I had forgotten about it for a minute, then it just slapped me in the face.
It does get better though. I can at least laugh and smile this week.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Just saw this on Facebook and it reminded me of myself and everyone here on these boards:
"It's become such a rarity nowadays to find somebody to fall in love with and stay in love with. People seem to forget how beautiful it is to grow old with someone, to build and witness someone's progression and to conquer obstacles as a team instead of facing them alone.
I guess it's safe to say there's not enough thrill in that for them. There's no thrill in knowing someone like the back of your hand.
I guess that's why you could say I'm an old soul. I don't need to go out all the time and switch people up every week to fulfill my bordem with temporary happiness.I always wanted something real, someone so genuine that they're worth lasting a lifetime with. Someone who's willing to invest time and effort that's needed to win, instead of forfeiting when "there's no coming back". I understand it's nearly impossible nowadays to count on someone with all your heart and soul. It's more dangerous, if anything, but I guess that's why you can count me as one of the rare ones.
I'm not just in it for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime", I'm in it for all three."
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
That's awesome. I'm stealing that and posting it on my thread and my FB.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
And just for the record, I found an excuse to text BF and had a short conversation where upon he asked me how my weekend was and how the cat is doing before he told me he was headed to bed.
Oops. My will power is nil tonight.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Im with you little. I'm such a sap I've kept every single ticket to any event we've been to together. That's almost sixteen years worth. I was shocked she remembered the 1st movie we went to together (you've got mail)-sigh.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
I'm a sucker for all that stuff too. I can remember dates and places for every little thing we did when we first started dating.
Little, it's OK. I don't think that was a major no no. Re was receptive and that's a good thing.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I guess I kind of feel defeated. On one hand I'm emotionally drained and on the other hand I'm still angry that someone that I felt so deeply for could basically axe me out of his life without too much issue. It's sort of a "Seriously?! SERIOUSLY!?" sort of a thing. LOL
I've got plans to go out this evening and I'm going to try to stop ruminating on it. There's no point to this train of thought it only makes me miserable.
How do the vets balance "no one can predict the future" with "forget about what the WAS is doing, and put them totally out of your mind"?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm no vet, Little, but for me the answer is time. The last month has been a turning point for me. I've finally figured out how to move myself forward without moving on (never thought that combination was possible early on). For me that has required a combination of moving to a new apartment, yoga/mindfulness, reading Passionate Marriage (and learning about differentiation) and a genuine commitment to GAL.
You'll get there.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Okay, just don't do what I did -- I saw The Best of Me at the movies tonight. Drove home SOBBING. LOL
Oh my god, it was right in the feels. I don't know why I was so stupid as to go see a romantic, sappy movie in the midst of my sitch, but I'm such an IDIOT. Hahaha.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Today I'm struggling with people that are adamant that if I don't decide BF's a lying cheating a$$hole and just "get over him already" that I'm a weak person and what the heck is wrong with me.
I feel like I have no where to go (but here!) to talk about this, and even making comments on Facebook is a serious no-no because everyone feels the need to jump in and tell me how I'm supposed to feel.
I'm not a moron. Yes, of course I feel like he's a lying, cheating a$$hole. I also feel like he's my soul mate, but unless you're IN MY BODY you don't get why. You also don't HAVE to get why, nor do I need to explain it to you. You can be deeply loved and appreciated and still do things that make you look like an a$$hole, you know. I've done some of things that would peg me as an a$$hole, myself, in my life time.
I feel like he's better than the mistakes he's made and he has the ability to be a stand-up person when he's making the choice to acknowledge his flaws and not let them become his default behaviors.
Let's be honest: I made mistakes in our relationship just as much as he has, and the blame is on both of us, not just one. No one's actions exist in a vacuum, but are a sum of what happens to you and how you respond to it; right or wrong. You have absolutely ZERO idea what happens behind closed doors, the emotions involved, the behaviors and instances involved, and so on and so forth. In sum, you know absolutely NOTHING.
I could go on and on and on but really I feel like that's all anyone needs to be privy to in terms of "correcting" me every time I even so much as hint that I miss him and/or are having trouble getting past this.
Plus, it was a 10 year relationship that's been over for all over three months, give me some slack.
Phew. I wish more people on the outside got the DB point of view.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.
My friends and family know we are separated but don't know the reasons surrounding it. Only a few select, trusted people in my inner circle know the details and even then I have tried to paint my wife in the best light possible so when the time comes she can save face.
We've got to protect our partners to the bitter end, even if they are crapping on us the whole way. At least that's my opinion.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I don't care what they think so long as they don't tell me how to feel.
I guess I have mouthy friends. :p
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I asked my PCP for a referral for IC, today. Hope it helps me.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Had my first IC appointment today! It was just intake and I did a lot of crying as I talked about the situation and what was going on with me, but I felt really good when I left, like I had someone to talk to who wouldn't just tell me to bag the loser and move on with my life.
I think this woman was super attentive to my truths and my desires and get the feeling she'll be helpful in me focusing on me but not dismissive that I ultimately would take BF back if he ever changed his mind.
We'll see what happens, but it's going to be weekly for a while.
She wants me to list the "pros" and "cons" of BF and my R with him, to try to get a clear thing I can reference when I need balance, rather than "all good" or "all bad" which contribute to the roller coaster ride.
I'll do that later, here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.
Very interesting. Personally, I've been very open about the reasons and to a lot of people. I feel disinhibited by the emotional shock. I wonder what has been the experience of people at the piecing stage. I do tell everyone that I want her back and get the sense that they are supportive, even though some encourage me to think twice about it. Like Little, I'm very sensitive about this and would like people to understand that I'm not going to give up on half my kids and the woman I married in just a few weeks.
Sorry Little, I don't mean to hijack!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Another reason I'm hesitant to "tell" everyone about the situation is because, understandably, they will take my side. I don't need people taking my side or her side. I need people calling me on my BS and so I can save my marriage. Easier done when I keep my big trap shut.
Just my 2¢
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Hey Little, I am interested to see your pros and cons list.
I understand what you mean about people telling you what to do and what to think and what to feel. I don't talk about the situation with my H to people any more. Everyone just says get over it. And if I tell them some new detail they roll their eyes and say he is an ass. But that doesn't really help me. So I tend not to say much about it ever, and if people ask I just give them a brief summary or say nothing is new and change the subject.
I do wish I had someone to talk to who understood and was helpful in the way I would like, but at least I do have lovely supportive people in my life who are looking out for me the best way they know.
I've told basically everyone because I've needed there support and found that honesty is a lot easier on me. It will almost certainly make things a lot harder to reconcile but then what she has told her F&F is way worse.
I needed the support and that's all there is to it. If we reconcile (less than 1% chance) its just another hurdle and certainly less of an issue than the way she has behaved (EA, PA, casual hookups and just plain mean)
My friends have been great and my family has been hard on me for still wanting to save the M. I've massively improved my relationship with all of them though.
Having said that, I'd be much more of a wreck without my IC though.
Watch brene browns TED talk on vulnerability it may help and is certainly interesting.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/31/1412:38 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
In regard to telling people, I'm emotional and I'm insanely self-revelatory. I don't hold privacy sacred. I don't care who knows, especially not my close friends. I can't hide my pain and I don't like to try.
Anyway:
BF texted me to tell me he had a box of things for me. He asked if I wanted to pick them up or wanted him to drop them off. I told him I had a full weekend planned, but if he could give me a time when no one was home, he could leave it on the porch and I'd pick it up.
He must have felt this was pushing his buttons because he snipped at me and told me he'd drop it off. Then he added he had no idea what my problem was.
I took a deep breath before I replied and thought out my answer, which was that I wanted to avoid the emotional mess that would result if he had his girlfriend visiting. Nothing personal, but I'm trying to limit the number of times the scab gets ripped off.
He angrily asked me if I thought he was "that mean" that he'd parade in front of me like that.
Well, dude, you did cheat on me; never thought you'd be that mean. You also broke up with me when I was lead to believe we were in it for better or for worse, even without a piece of paper and a formal marriage.
Soooo....I don't know, are your actions trustworthy enough to make me think you "wouldn't be that mean" as to parade your new girlfriend in front of me?
CLUE BY FOUR. He stopped responding. :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
In regard to telling people, I'm emotional and I'm insanely self-revelatory. I don't hold privacy sacred. I don't care who knows, especially not my close friends. I can't hide my pain and I don't like to try.
The problem with that^^ is that you are behaving in alignment with how you FEEL and NOT in alignment with your goal.
Showing your pain will not get your bf back.
You may need to change the way you behave, IF that is really your goal. But, IS it?
Anyway:
BF texted me to tell me he had a box of things for me. He asked if I wanted to pick them up or wanted him to drop them off. I told him I had a full weekend planned, but if he could give me a time when no one was home, he could leave it on the porch and I'd pick it up.
He must have felt this was pushing his buttons because he snipped at me and told me he'd drop it off. Then he added he had no idea what my problem was.
I took a deep breath before I replied and thought out my answer, which was that I wanted to avoid the emotional mess that would result if he had his girlfriend visiting. Nothing personal, but I'm trying to limit the number of times the scab gets ripped off.
He angrily asked me if I thought he was "that mean" that he'd parade in front of me like that.
Well, dude, you did cheat on me; never thought you'd be that mean. You also broke up with me when I was lead to believe we were in it for better or for worse, even without a piece of paper and a formal marriage.
Soooo....I don't know, are your actions trustworthy enough to make me think you "wouldn't be that mean" as to parade your new girlfriend in front of me?
CLUE BY FOUR. He stopped responding. :P
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/1405:23 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Little, I think a lot of us can relate to your story about inequality in household duties! I know I can. When my H moved out I was so happy with the reduced amount of clean up and the fact that the house remained clean all the time! No one to pick up after but me!
My H also did the exact same thing with friendly text messages. As others said, is note it as a positive baby step and yet keep ignoring him. I don't mean to "barge in & bark" here, but I don't see anyone discussing the Divorce Busting book(S) here or mentioning if they have read them or gotten a DB coach.,
But the books do NOT say to "ignore" their reaching out or to ignore baby steps. I really do urge you all to read the books that form the basis of the approach we use here. It really does matter.
Sounds super similar to my situation, my H has been friendly texting since he left almost 4 months ago. The best response as far as I can tell is to be friendly back but brief and not to contact him first. If your story evolves like mine I'm guessing your BF will be wanting to see you so get ready for the random excuses for meeting up.
Good (well not good exactly) to see others on here with similar situations that I can relate to. Hopefully we can all help and support each other.
Hugs, Lisa
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.
Very interesting. Personally, I've been very open about the reasons and to a lot of people. I feel disinhibited by the emotional shock. I wonder what has been the experience of people at the piecing stage. I do tell everyone that I want her back and get the sense that they are supportive, even though some encourage me to think twice about it. Like Little, I'm very sensitive about this and would like people to understand that I'm not going to give up on half my kids and the woman I married in just a few weeks.
Sorry Little, I don't mean to hijack!
Not to crash gates here, but maybe this will help...
My DB Coach (a Godsend if ever there was one) told me to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.
The more people who know of what "THE WAS" did, the harder it can be for them to return. (At least in the vast majority of cases)
Plus when I examined MY own personal reasons for telling people, I had to admit I liked blaming h for all of our problems and I liked hearing what a jerk he was being...until I realized that saying "he's a jerk", did nothing FOR me other than temporarily making me feel vindicated.
It also made me feel powerless. I mean, what's there to change or do, if they are just so wrong and I'm so darn right?
Thing is, I DID mess some things up. I wish I'd realized earlier what a blessing that is, b/c it means you are NOT powerless and there really are things you can do to change the dynamic.
And yet at the time, I felt righteously "right".
Certainly in the housework department I felt cheated. But I didn't change my solution process there, either. I Nagged! (Super effective...NOT)
Another example was this--- my h is an MD and he'd take extra cases and come home later on in the evening and we had kids.
I felt he was valuing the money and or the accolades and or the patients, more than us or time with us.
And sometimes, that was true!
But the point I want to make is that I did NOTHING DIFFERENT to change this dynamic. I simply kept nagging and carping at him, and when he came home, I'd be there with my arms crossed, figuratively and literally. Why did I think that would motivate him to come home, more? I mean, how ironic.
After years of this, I still persisted in nagging him, and Not changing how I reacted. What a stubborn, prideful idiot I was.
Talk about a "cheese less tunnel"!
Why didn't I at least TRY warmly welcoming him home with hugs and thanks that he helped people at work and brought home the bacon? Why didn't I TRY giving him a home he'd miss while at work?
Oh, I know why. I did not want to "reward him" for being late b/c then he might take me for granted (I actually thought that!) AND
of course, b/c I thought I was RIGHT to be mad...
a lot of this boils down to what we must decide.
We all must decide what's more important, being right or being happy.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/1405:45 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate. They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out.
Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.
I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity to non-DB peeps, really.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate. They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out.
Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.
I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity.
Understood. But a lot of posters on this thread seem to be repeating behaviors I persisted in and since I did not see anything about actual DBing a lot, I thought I'd pipe in some of my experiences.
Your bf made claims about the R that you do not agree with. I get that.
But are there any things you DO think had validity and would like to change about yourself?
I ask this b/c No WAS (or boyfriend) will return to a relationship they left,
unless they believe the relationship can be better/different than before.
And it's pretty much our job to show them that it can be.
So how are you doing that, or do you not want to ?
I would think you do want to b/c you say he's your soul mate.
So what's your "action" plan? That's what I'm missing here.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/1405:51 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate. Don't go to those ^^ people for any type of support. Man, they need to quiet down!
They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out. None or very few of us "Deserve" heartache. But life isn't fair and the fact remains that usually, not always but nearly always, the walk away spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend leaves b/c they have felt hurt and their needs were not met for some time.
Sure, there are such things as serial cheaters and our job is to avoid them at all costs. But in a 10 year R you'd probably know if your bf was a serial cheater.
So we have to ask ourselves what WE can do to help change the R. Changing how WE behave inside the relationship, by definition changes it.
Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.
I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity to non-DB peeps, really.
But you said you like sharing all the details and you don't mind talking about your pain. So it's pretty natural they are tired of seeing your pain and they want it to end.
Like the Div Busting book says, it's natural for your friends to say "Drop him" b/c all they see is the pain you feel. Not the growth or introspective journey you are taking.
So I'm a little confused by your comments before and now. Can you see why?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just stopping by to say that the conversation about sharing our experience with friends and family is very enlightening. I should be sharing less. A friend of mine is coming over just now and I'll see if I can keep it shut! Thanks all.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
So I'm a little confused by your comments before and now. Can you see why?
Yes, I see why.
As far as my "action plan", it's going semi-dark. I don't contact him unless he contacts me first to talk about logistics with separating our things, which at this point is almost completely finished. I can't imagine I'd have too much left at the old house after this box he's made is dealt with. After that, there's literally nothing to talk about. We don't have kids. Unless he chooses to talk to me first, we have no reason to talk. We don't live in the same town, anymore and we don't have the same circle of friends.
Other than that, I'm GAL, hardcore. Doing things I love, for me. Getting out, having dinner with friends, going to the movies, doing seasonal activities, spending time with my cats, getting my nails done, things like that.
I'm in IC for me, too, where I plan to address some of the issues I need to deal with as far as partnering with someone else.
Do I want to get back with him? Yes. But the ball is in his court. I want an R with a man who wants me as much as I want him. I'd LOVE for that to be him. He's not there. He's in the greener pastures state with OW.
Honestly, he's pretty stubborn. I don't think anything I can say/do will convince him he wants to get into an R with me again. Even if he sees a total, 198348234 percent change in me. Not because things were that bad, but because once he's convinced himself he's done with "that", he doesn't look back.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Stopped by a liquor store today to get some booze. I don't often drink and find that alcohol in and of itself is gross. I like "girly" drinks if they're made so I can't taste the alcohol.
Anyway, I was talking to the clerk about how I was just out of a long relationship and wanted to do a little drinking with "the girls", and asked what she'd recommend. She pointed me in the direction of some mango pineapple flavored vodka and then told me the story of how her husband kept bringing up his ex-fiance very frequently and in the end he left her to go back to said ex-fiance.
I'm starting to feel like there are no stories of people working out relationships and going from crisis to "we're stable now and it was so worth it". All I hear are stories of cheating, lying, putting people's own feelings and the desires of the moment first.
It makes me sad.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Everyone says this at some point! Yes, reunions happen. I know some personally. But you know, some of those same people also have broken relationships in their pasts that weren't reconciled.
The question is: what do YOU want from your one and only life? Is your X really irreplaceable?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Well, my point wasn't that he left his wife to go back to his ex. My point was that he didn't stay with his wife. Or his ex in the first place.
I think of old-timers, the people that used to get married and when things get tough, they'd work through it, because they committed to each other -- commitment means sticking to what you said, even when you don't feel like doing so in the moment.
Too many people see relationships as disposable and if you become unhappy, they just toss it away and get involved in a new one instead of putting in elbow grease to fix the old one.
This lady's story made me realize that this attitude is prevalent these days, and you hear more of that than the stories of falling and staying in love even when stuff gets rough.
Also, since you asked: No. He's not replaceable. I can find someone new and they might be wonderful and fulfill me in some ways (maybe even in ways BF couldn't/didn't), but the will not be BF and his essence and energy.
I won't put my life on hold for BF, and/or close doors to new people coming into my life, but I still think BF is the other half of me and know he will be "the one that got away" for the rest of my life. I've been in relationships with other men before BF, and it was never like this. The bond and depth of connection can't be put into words.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I know how hard it is to stay positive about things, Little, and I certainly relate to the concern that there is nothing left to talk about after separation logistic are sorted out when there are no kids.
I think it's true that there are plenty of people out there who are going through/have gone through difficult times in their R. But…there are people out there who figure it all out. You even got 25years reading your thread - so there is proof that it can be done!
Stay strong.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Don't romanticize "olden day" marriages. My H's paternal grandfather cheated on his wife. She found out, but always thought it was her youngest sister. I don't think she ever knew who it was (I don't, but I don't know that part of the family well). It destroyed her relationship with her sister. Completely. And I don't think the marriage recovered either. He had a stroke that completely disabled him. The family put pressure on her to keep him at home and not in a nursing facility, so she did. She was a fairly fragile woman, easily overwhelmed. It set the stage for a lot of the family dynamics that followed. I think the impact of all that reverberates down into my own H's affair and our separation.
His maternal grandparents were in marriage counseling when my MIL was in junior high, and she told my H that he was right to move out because marriage counseling doesn't work and it's better for kids to be in a happy home. Don't even get me started on the condition of her own 43 year marriage, or on my parents' and grandparents' marriages -- all long term.
I sounded really insensitive earlier, I apologize. I think if I'd been kinder and gentler when I commented, I would have been more supportive of the idea of letting go and enjoying your life. As you're clearly doing with your girlie drinks.
Enjoy your Saturday evening in spite of my curmudgeonly self.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Aw, no worries, Maybell. I am getting on with my life. BF dropped off my box this afternoon and I made the choice to not be here when he did. I know what triggers my pain and I'm trying to avoid him, now. LOL!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hey 25years, since you quoted me a page back I will hop in and say I appreciated your take on that and your advice to Little. Indeed we need to take a hard look at our role in things and change behaviors that didn't work or are not working.
By saying Little should take the texting as a baby step but ignore him, I meant to see it as a positive but not to take it as "oh yay he wants to get back together now!" and start pursuing. Well, at least in my situation that was not the right move I don't think. My H texts me all the time which is a baby step or a positive but it's not like he is coming home. He texts me about his dates forcryingoutloud.
I'm really glad you are chiming in here as those of us in similar situations can all really use your wisdom. And yes, I have read the books...many times. And glean more wisdom each time.
Little, your cocktail evening sounds great! And I agree with what Maybell said about relationships and positive stories. I saw your story about the lady in the shop as a sad story for her but a happy story for the ex! Maybe she was the fiancee stealing OW...hmmm....
Have a great day everyone! Hope your weekends are going well. Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
This never occurred to me. Thank you so much for that perspective. Seriously, that's...wow. I feel silly.
Who knows, in the end, but you're right. Grain of salt.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Stopped by a liquor store today to get some booze. I don't often drink and find that alcohol in and of itself is gross. I like "girly" drinks if they're made so I can't taste the alcohol.
Anyway, I was talking to the clerk about how I was just out of a long relationship and wanted to do a little drinking with "the girls", and asked what she'd recommend. She pointed me in the direction of some mango pineapple flavored vodka and then told me the story of how her husband kept bringing up his ex-fiance very frequently and in the end he left her to go back to said ex-fiance.
I'm starting to feel like there are no stories of people working out relationships and going from crisis to "we're stable now and it was so worth it". All I hear are stories of cheating, lying, putting people's own feelings and the desires of the moment first.
It makes me sad.
For those of us who do reconcile, most of us don't come back to sites like these to recall the hardest or worst times of our lives. And it's not easy to revisit so many things that remind me of it.
My point is that you are hardly getting a representative sampling. I DO know several happily married couples and some semi happy couples.
Mind you, a lot o individuals are not very happy people, so I am not sure how much of it is relationships or marriages, or just how our society can be a bit depressive or negatively programmed.
No, everything is not perfect in my life OR my marriage, But yes, making it is worth it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why didn't you two ever marry? Sorry if you explained this already &I missed it, but your comment about a lack of commitment seems a tiny bit ironic, given that you yourself never married.
Did you ever want to? If not, why not? Do you now, someday want to?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/02/1401:55 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why didn't you two ever marry? Sorry if you explained this already &I missed it, but your comment about a lack of commitment seems a tiny bit ironic, given that you yourself never married.
Did you ever want to? If not, why not? Do you now, someday want to?
He was engaged before to a woman who would never set a date. He asked her to marry him, she said yes, and the years dragged on without a date set and no marriage forth-coming.
After they broke up, he decided marriage wasn't for him and he didn't want to marry ANYONE, ever. He just didn't feel it was necessary to a committed relationship.
I'm a "take it or leave it" kind of a woman. That is, I don't need a marriage to feel content and secure in a relationship. If he had asked me, I would have said yes without hesitation, but it didn't bother me he didn't want to be married. It wasn't something I needed.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Maybell, I want to add my words of encouragement to those of my dear friend 25MLC. It is ABSOLUTELY worth it. I say that even though there have been (continue to be) challenges even since we began reconciliation 7 years ago. As MLC said, I don't often come back here other than to encourage others. Even though our marriage has been way better BECAUSE of our struggles during that time, it is still painful to put myself back in the middle of the emotions I felt during that time. I am amazed and so grateful that 25MLC has remained committed to helping others through this terribly difficult process. Best wishes to you and your BF that you can work through this!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
If you have the link to their story, let me know. I really wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary! But in the meantime, if you follow the posts, you'll see that all of them had truly detached, almost given up when the reconciliation happened. Also, at least two of them waited almost 3 years.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I replied to that on my phone and just now realized it auto-corrected "Mozza" to "Mozzarella". Sorry about that. LOL
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Glad it's helpful. I really need to read these stories to keep the faith. Tomorrow will be the 2-month anniversary of the ILYBINILWY and my W moved out 17 days later. We're barely in touch -- she emails more or less daily some random stuff about the kids and I reply briefly. I confirmed the OM two days ago. She must be deep in love or at least having lots of fun. She gets tons of support (logistics: colleagues and OM, endless money: parents) meaning that she has a long time to go before she faces reality, if ever. Even if we're in good terms and much better than some stories with restraining orders and the likes, there are days when I simply don't know how this can be resolved. Thankfully, I'm fairly good at GALing.
I had a tire blow out on the highway, not far from the old apartment. My car insurance doesn't offer road side assistance, apparently.
I texted four friends who weren't available before I texted BF and asked if he was free to lend a hand. He showed up within 5 minutes, changed the tire within 5 and I was on my way again within 15.
He told me not to hesitate to call upon him if I need help, and gave me a hug before he got back in his car.
He'd do the same for any of his friends, of course. He's a helpful guy.
Le sigh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Full of feels, working hard to push them down and move on with the PMA. Cried on the way home from work, but Aunt Flo just showed up so it's probably hormonal again.
I just feel without hope, for some reason, and that's tough.
This too shall pass.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I feel like a little girl as much as I've been crying. But I know that's not true because my girls are tougher than that.
I am an emotional mess. It blows me away that these WAS's want to date. I couldn't be emotionally available for anyone right now.
I digress,
(((Little)))
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I had a tire blow out on the highway, not far from the old apartment. My car insurance doesn't offer road side assistance, apparently.
I texted four friends who weren't available before I texted BF and asked if he was free to lend a hand. He showed up within 5 minutes, changed the tire within 5 and I was on my way again within 15.
He told me not to hesitate to call upon him if I need help, and gave me a hug before he got back in his car.
He'd do the same for any of his friends, of course. He's a helpful guy.
Le sigh.
Sorry but I'm missing something. So none of your close friends could help you...
But your ex bf came out at night, on 5 minutes notice, and then repaired it AND didn't make a big deal about it or even complain...
and all you can say is "he'd do it for any of his friends...he's a helpful guy" as if it's nothing? Or as if it isn't something you ought to say a kind word about?
I can't tell if this is the new sad you, or if the negativity pre-existed the break up. But it's not lovely.
Remember that DB Coach phrase "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does"??? (it's Great advice that works, even when it's hard as heck to do).
But for this, I'd have applauded loudly for the 99% of help he gave you then, (EVEN if I were still with him! It's a damn nice and practical thing to do). Not every man even knows how to change a tire btw...
Can't see how being thankful could have cost you a thing. Why be sad now?
Why not be grateful and for gosh's sake, why not show him?
I saw this as such a wonderful opportunity for you to show a new happy upbeat warm loving YOU.
Just think about it, okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Consider sending him a small gift or at the very least a warm appreciative text message.
To me, showing him your warm side is a reminder to him of what he's missing.
What is it you fear will happen, if you seem grateful for an honest to God favor he does?
I don't get it. I want to, but I don't.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had a tire blow out on the highway, not far from the old apartment. My car insurance doesn't offer road side assistance, apparently.
I texted four friends who weren't available before I texted BF and asked if he was free to lend a hand. He showed up within 5 minutes, changed the tire within 5 and I was on my way again within 15.
He told me not to hesitate to call upon him if I need help, and gave me a hug before he got back in his car.
He'd do the same for any of his friends, of course. He's a helpful guy.
Le sigh.
Sorry but I'm missing something. So none of your close friends could help you...
But your ex bf came out at night, on 5 minutes notice, and then repaired it AND didn't make a big deal about it or even complain...
and all you can say is "he'd do it for any of his friends...he's a helpful guy" as if it's nothing? Or as if it isn't something you ought to say a kind word about?
I can't tell if this is the new sad you, or if the negativity pre-existed the break up. But it's not lovely.
Remember that DB Coach phrase "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does"??? (it's Great advice that works, even when it's hard as heck to do).
But for this, I'd have applauded loudly for the 99% of help he gave you then, (EVEN if I were still with him! It's a damn nice and practical thing to do). Not every man even knows how to change a tire btw...
Can't see how being thankful could have cost you a thing. Why be sad now?
Why not be grateful and for gosh's sake, why not show him?
I saw this as such a wonderful opportunity for you to show a new happy upbeat warm loving YOU.
Just think about it, okay?
I'm sort of curious as to what made you think I wasn't grateful and/or didn't thank him for his help. It was a rather short post, on my part, surely there were more details in what occurred than what I posted, no?
What I was trying to do was not read too much into his actions. It would have been real easy for me to get the wrong idea and make more of it than it is. I was trying to be realistic: BF does this all the time for people. He'll fix breaks in our driveway, or drive out of his way if someone's car is over-heating and they need help, so on and so forth. He's always been giving in that manner. In fact, he and I had several conversations about friends that only call him when they need him for something and never when they want to hang out or actually be FRIENDS otherwise.
It's not to say that he doesn't deserve thanks and I'm not grateful for it, or he isn't a great guy for doing it. My point was to remind myself it's not unique to ME.
My conversation with him when I texted him was to apologize profusely for bugging him, and ask if he was in a position he could help me with a flat. Afterward we had a short text conversation in which he told me where and how to get the donut replaced, and I thanked him "so much" for his help.
If you're giving me permission to send him another text about how I wanted to make sure he understands how much I appreciate his help on Sunday and how I know that helping others is one of his very best qualities and he should be proud of that, man, I'll take the ball and run with it!
To be honest, something like that seems like perusing, but I REALLY WANT TO do it.
Last edited by Little; 11/04/1401:41 PM.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"I wanted to thank you again for your help on Sunday. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You're always willing to help friends in need and it's one of your very best qualities. It's very selfless and helpful.
Thanks again. :)"
His response: "Thank you. Anytime."
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"I wanted to thank you again for your help on Sunday. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You're always willing to help friends in need and it's one of your very best qualities. It's very selfless and helpful.
Thanks again. :)"
His response: "Thank you. Anytime."
Perfect.
IMO, it would be pursuing IF you attached expectations to it OR asked for something more. I don't believe expressing gratitude or giving an authentic compliment at times like these, would ever be "pursuit", actually.
(At least off the top of my head, I can't think of how authentically kind words or gratitude would = pursuit, but I'll think about it.)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
