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#2497118 10/14/14 10:31 PM
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Hello all. I've been reading the forums for a while, just registered.

I've been with my BF for 10 years, no kids. At the end of July, he came home one day and told me he was done with our relationship. He'd apparently had an affair, which I didn't see coming. I knew our relationship wasn't exactly what it had been in the past and that we had some issues, but not to this extent.

He told me he felt neglected; lack of sex, lack of quality time, no connection between us and "we have nothing in common" (which is ridiculous, we have tons of things in common). Of course he spoke nothing of his own wrong-doings, it was all a finger pointed at me. He felt he had addressed these things with me (personally I beg to differ), and he was too tired to try to work on our relationship, he just wanted out.

He claims that he's not "in a relationship" with the person he was having an affair with it's just sex. But they do spend time together, and are physical. I do know her personally, as an acquaintance, as well as her husband. That's right, she's married. He says she's separated from her husband, but from what I can tell, she separated just at the same time he told me we were done -- like I'm not supposed to think it was a set up so they could rush into a relationship together, or something. Who knows.

Anyway, I moved out because I can't afford our apartment on our own. I've been out for a couple of weeks and after all the details on the separation have been dealt with, I'm not contacting him first. No texts, no calls, no nothing; giving him time to miss me.

I'd love for him to come to his senses and decide he does have feelings for me and he wants to be with me, but I guess all I can do is fix me and try to move forward. I know fairy tale endings don't happen.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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Little,

I had the same thing happen with my wife. It was made to be all my fault and I took it that way for weeks until I found out about the OM. Now I realize that they do have to think that way to justify their actions.

Scary part was when I was reading through your post, I thought for a second you were the OM's GF!! Very similar situation and timeline to mine.

Biggest thing here is to concentrate on yourself. As much as it is hard to do, there's very little we can do to make our partner's come to their senses. They need to do that themselves.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Hello Little - Sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound typical and it must be painful to look back and see the causes that lead to the separation. I know it is in my own situation.

It sounds like you're already in the right track by giving him space. Contacting and begging would only annoy him, it seems. It might take time, if he's with someone. The next step, if you can, is to get your own life and become more attractive. Make him see what he's missing. It can take time and I'm barely there myself, but I hope you'll soon find the energy and courage.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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I don't know how he's going to see what he's missing if we're never in contact, but it's okay.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time so the pain of missing him, our relationship, and knowing things could be fixed if he were to take my hand and be willing. I need that distraction. I'm getting out with friends and going places and doing things.

I guess time will tell what develops and happens, and I'm looking forward to getting support from and supporting everyone here. smile


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
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Little Offline OP
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Posts: 471
Well, my plans for tonight with a few friends have been canceled. I'm going to have to find some way to spend my evening.

Usually I'm okay during work hours but it's the after time that bugs me, when I normally would have come home to and communicated with the BF. During dinner, home time, all that.

I've still got a lot of unpacking and sorting to do, but that gives me a ton of time to think so I've been putting it off. Maybe I should just power though and get it done.

Had a small set-back emotionally last night and couldn't stop the tears. C'est la vie. More strength today.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 62
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Posts: 62
Sorry you're here too. Like you'll hear all around here, detach best you can. That's been hard for me, but talked to a friend whose W had an A in their first year. LET IT GO is what he said worked for him. Every ugly thought you have, let it go. Hard to do, but helps to improve sleep and appetite. Snooping is a bad idea too, unless you don't have enough anxiety in your life. My problem is snooping's too easy. Let it go. I say it all day.

Good luck, God bless.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
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The friend that had canceled ended up canceling on me, so we went out to dinner. I was very glad for the distraction.

I had to text the boyfriend about an important piece of postal mail that was delivered to the old address and asked him to put it in the garage so I could pick it up . I tried to keep it logistics-only but he tried to get friendly and wanted me to send him a picture form an event I'm attending this weekend.

At that point, I shut him down. I told him that I didn't want to be friends with him. I said that I wasn't trying to be mean or dig into him, but we had two vastly different points of view as far as our relationship and our breakup is concerned. I respect and accept his point of view, but he refused to acknowledge that I had a side and he hurt me deeply, too. I told him I love him intensely and consider him my soul mate, and want to repair and rebuild our relationship with a clean slate, only looking at the past to know what needs to be
addressed and fixed, on the other hand, is done with me in a romantic sense and is moving on. The only one that stands to get hurt from this if we continue to interact as friends is me.

He said, "Okay, that [censored]." No crap, you think? Take a walk in my shoes. LOL

My response was to tell him that we can give each other space and time and revisit this in the future, but being in his life as a friend and yet wanting more was going to be too much to handle.

He said, "Okay, if you change your mind let me know."

NOW I GO BACK TO BEING DARK and hoping I don't have to contact him again. I feel better and this has allowed me to detach because I made this call, not him. Before it was him telling me what was happening. Now I'm telling him where I am, standing up for myself, and making choices for me.

I'm still upset and shattered about this whole sitch, of course, but the ball is in his court. He knows where to find me, although I'm not holding my breath.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
L
Little Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
I meant "un-cancelled", above. I have a full weekend planned but now I'm feeling sort of under the weather. I've got a very stuffy nose, muscle aches....I'm thinking head cold.

Hopefully this stays away so I can go.

Working on trying to keep the mister out of my head and not rehashing "why" over and over or being upset when I recall something he said that I felt doesn't match my truth. Someone said a big red stop sign? Working on it.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: Little
I don't know how he's going to see what he's missing if we're never in contact, but it's okay.
---
the ball is in his court. He knows where to find me, although I'm not holding my breath.

Maybe I misunderstand the method, but it seems to me that our role as LBS is not to stay dark forever. At some point, when negative feelings have cooled down, when the WAS seems to have warmed up, we're supposed to approach them (as new people). Isn't it how it works?

I can tell you're suffering. Know that a lot of us are experiencing similar pain. Something we didn't even know existed or that we would feel one day. I wish you strength.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
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Little Offline OP
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Sure, but I don't know how I'll know when it's "time" to do the contacting. Especially if he hasn't contacted first.

I guess it's still early in the game. I can give it a few weeks or even a month and see what the situation is when that time comes.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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