There was one resounding point made during this call.
I need to BACK OFF!!
She recommended that I go LRT and really need to start doing more GAL activities. There is to be absolutely no texts about "how is your day going", "what did you eat for lunch", etc.
Communications that are initiated by me need to only be about the kids, and anything house-related. Deflect any and all talks about relationship or marriage. Indicate to her (next time she offers) that while I appreciate her compassion, I don't need it from her.
Continue "acts of service", but be careful not to go overboard. Focus more on things that benefit the household, the children, or even her parents.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Glad you had a coaching session! Looking forward to hearing about your progress! Be careful-- it may piss her off at first and she may try to bait you. Did your coach tell you what to say or do if that happens??
Claire, yes. She advised to simply say, "I'm not comfortable talking about this right now" or "I'm not ready to talk about this right now".
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
So my focus on "backing off" began on Sunday afternoon, after I voiced my displeasure about her leaving to see the OM immediately after I came home from my weekend trip. I didn't call or text her the rest of that day.
I ignored her text on Monday morning. She gave me the cold shoulder Monday evening after she came home in the evening, and I consciously tried not to engage in conversation with her or even be in the same room with her. She went to bed w/out saying goodnight to me or even to our son (which is unusual). I texted her "good night". She didn't respond.
Tuesday morning, she asked me what my work schedule was for that day and said "alright I'm leaving", and left for work. She sent me a few e-mails throughout the day. One was regarding two Sundays from now where she planned to take the kids to the zoo, followed by a visit to her cousin's house. She knows I will be away for four hours in the afternoon, so she planned a day with the kids. Another e-mail was regarding an upcoming halloween party on the 31st hosted by the parents of one of my son's friends. A couple of weeks ago, she said it would be fun if we all went. Now, she says "I won't be available, but I think you should take them there." I didn't ask why she won't be available. The last e-mail was regarding the French language self-learning software (see the last page in the pt.4 thread).
She came home Tuesday night and was MUCH more cordial to me than on Monday. She tried to engage me several times throughout the evening regarding various topics of conversation. I didn't ignore her, but I was very short (but nice) with my responses.
She was very short-tempered towards my daughter last night for some reason. My daughter left her bedroom (where my W was) and went up to me (I was in the bathroom helping my son floss). She was crying and said to me repeatedly "I don't like mama". This is the first time I've ever heard anything like that from my daughter. I know she's only 3 years old, but her reaction was telling, and I KNOW my W heard this. I didn't know exactly what happened to make our daughter cry, so I peered into the room and asked my W, "what happened"? She only responded, "your daughter is sleeping with you tonight". My W was clearly upset. I left it alone.
This morning, she was relatively in a decent mood. She wished the kids a good day at school and even wished me a good day at work (which she never has since my 1st day on the new job). She caught a little bit of a cold so I told her that I bought some Dayquil the other day and it was in the medicine cabinet. As she grabbed her things, I said, "feel better". She replied, "thanks".
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Mindsin A couple of things jump out at me. 1) do you see how your W is really struggling? (The way she called your (plural) 3 yo D, "your" (as in, only you!) was really telling.
2) congrats on some progress of NC. Definitely good work dealing with parenting schedule, and not questioning her plans or whereabouts. And good job not taking the "cold shoulder" bait!
The goodnight text is a bit of that, so be careful of that reaching out/pursuing.
Keep it up. Fight those urges to control what she does or how she feels. Stay in your own sandbox. Her difficulty with your (and her!!) D will be much more powerful when you stay out of it. Nice to see this forward motion, Mindsink!
1) I'm not sure how much can be read into that because I do the same thing. We both say it when either of our children do something noteworthy (good or bad). As a change, I'm going to consciously change this and will always refer to the them as "our" son or daughter.
2) it's now one day later and I've been sticking to my plan. Last night we were the last ones downstairs and I would normally say good night to her on my way up to bed. I said nothing.
This morning she said "good morning" to me in a very soft, almost flirty voice. I simply replied "hi", then we began to make some small talk. I then said, "I gotta go" and left for work (she knew I had to be in the office early today).
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
So my FIL and MIL asked my W to come over to their house tonight for dinner where they plan to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart about the situation and try to "convince" her to consider giving her marriage another chance. At the same time, they're going to voice their displeasure with her "boyfriend" and the ugly circumstances surrounding the affair (spouses, long-distance, possible relocation, children involved, etc.).
Much like I can't control what my W does, I cannot control what her parents do either. If they are determined to have this talk with her, and are convinced that it will help the situation, then I will just let things happen and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm simply going to keep doing what I'm doing. Stay as detached as possible, and focus on everything else BUT what my wife is doing, feeling, thinking.
She sent me an e-mail earlier today outlining plans for this weekend. She wants to spend the weekend as a family, going to the movies tomorrow, and going to the zoo on Sunday.
When I came home from work, we exercised together and shared a couple quick laughs during the routine.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
If the in-laws mention your call or anything about the incident last weekend, she will assume you put them up to it somehow. Just prepare for that. I really dont see this going well.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
