The Argument Clinic

[LoisB]

Goals:

1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!

Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494686&page=1

[LoisB]

It’s not safe yet. That’s what this anxiety is...Life feels all topsy-turvy because I haven’t found my comfort zone yet.
Ya know, I think when you live with someone lost in drug addiction for as long as I did...you sorta retreat to this place of safety. If there isn’t a place of safety, you create your own makeshift one.
Our house, my old life was my safety net. When Smokey pulled one of his stunts, I would clean house, I would take a nap, I would make things nice at home in order to feel safe. I feel out there right now...vulnerable to the big bad world. Raw.
All those walls I carefully built for 20+ years. Those walls are gone now and I’m exposed. In a stunning turnaround, I’m the one in the driver’s seat. Instead of my accustomed dodging bullets, I’m firing a few shots of my own.
And, Smokey is so completely irrelevant. I’ve given this man so much power over the years. I was beaten into submission. Now, I am seeing his weakness and general inability to handle life.
And, honestly, I think I may be a bit more nervous about succeeding than failing. I’m accustomed to being on guard...as you can see with Smokey’s initial reaction to our leaving. That’s what life was like with Smokey. You had to always prepare yourself for the next insane, hurtful thing he would do. Hypervigilant.
And, it wasn’t just Smokey, it was my mom, my dad, my inlaws, my stepdad...there was an army of people who always seemed to expect me to fail and rarely gave me the benefit of the doubt. I can’t remember a time in my adult life that I didn’t feel worried or vigilant about how someone would perceive something I did, said, felt, whatever...
This new normal for me...is, well, a lil too normal. Freakishly so.
Yesterday, D12 said the saddest, most revealing thing. She was talking about how her dad had sent this random text. And, the girls began discussing his visits...when he did still visit them. D20 said, “Dad is so scared of me. He didn’t text me this week because I think he is still scared of me.”
I just nodded.
D12, then, said, “Well, I told him the truth too. I stood up to him. Remember?”
She went on, “When he came over and, all of sudden, decided to take me to lunch. Remember that? I knew something was up. Dad doesn’t take me to lunch. Then, I figured out how he, really, intended to take me to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I knew something was wrong. Dad just doesn’t do nice things for no reason.”
“That’s when I put a stop to it and told him, ‘No, I’m not going anywhere.’”
I think we were stuck in a much more abusive situation than even I realized. Now, that we’re out, I’m feeling shaky. Maybe a bit of PostTraumatic...IDK. I’m seeing that I’m a bit paranoid about the people I’m working with...reacting to me like Smokey. That someone will zero in one fault of mine, one mis-step, one fumble and it will all come tumbling down.
Perfect example...this morning, I was at my new office at 9 a.m. I met the maintenance guys there. It’s about an hour drive from our home to my new office...roughly 45 minutes. So, I get there at 9 a.m. I purchased a counter for the new office (an old drafting table-we are going to fix up)--well, the maintenance guys were earlier than I expected and went over to the flea market without me. I panicked. I felt like I had failed somehow. I didn’t, but that’s how it felt. Then, the flea market woman wasn’t there and they could’t pick up the table. Again, not my doing...but, again, I felt I had failed. I bought the guys donuts for making the trip. They laughed and said, “We aren’t used to this. Usually, we’re just told what to do and no one offers to help us.”
So, they had no expectations of me being/doing anything and they were cool with the fact that things just turned out the way they did. That’s life.
I’m accustomed, however, to having people watch my every move and wait for me to screw up. That’s what I’m used to. Change is hard...even when you are changing from something abusive to something less so...God is taking care of me. HE is taking care of the girls. We will be ok.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, I sent this text. I know, I know...save it for the atty...but, I’ll be damned if I spend ore money on this B.S.
Anyway...so, I waited 48 hours.

Me: When the barn roof needed repaired, I had it fixed. When the girls couldn’t swim in the pond, I bought a new aerator and had it treated. When I discovered the block on the riding mower was cracked, I push mowed and I saved up for a new push mower. Instead of wasting more time and money...if the house is messy, clean it. If the yard needs mowed. Mow it.

That’s all I said.

Ok...so Smokey’s response is one for the MLC Books...

Smokey: What about the cat ?

[LoisB]

BAHAHHAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!! :-)

I think that response pretty much puts things into perspective. What the hell am I scared of?

Oh, and my atty sent me this email yesterday afternoon.
“I received your 9 emails. Please call the office to discuss.”
WTF??

[Shining]

Heather,

First, you friggin' rock. Look at you, living life, kicking arse and taking names. I know it doesn't feel like it to you yet, and it's scary, all this new responsibility.

You are not under the microscope like before. That's something to celebrate. You own this. You got this. You may not see it yet, and you will stumble along the way like the rest of us. But you do.

Personally, I think sometimes the simple, direct, no bs straightforward actions like your text can be a good thing. I understand in D, the strategy behind not showing your hand to your opponent, and only speaking through L. Like my sitch, if we're not talking billions in assets and custody stuff...just getting it done can be best sometimes.

Ok.....the cat comment??? Seriously. How hard did your head hit the wall on that one....

Sounds like a few other wackadoos I know.

[LoisB]

Shining,

I can't stop laughing! This man sent his 12-year-old daughter a b'day card with a pic of her dead cat on the front! It's like the movie Airplane...so bad it's funny. :-)

[Lifes Twists]

Shinning,

Text back to him,"Look for it."

[job]

OMG! He still asking about the cat? Isn't this the one that died? I would be sorely tempted to respond back...what about the cat? He's got tunnel vision and can't go off the of the cat. Was this a special cat that he liked or what?

See, you are too hard on yourself. The men were appreciative of your gesture of kindness this morning. Believe it or not, they won't forget that and most likely will be more than willing to assist you again if you need help.

Don't allow your h to rattle your cage. You are a strong woman and are out from under his thumb now and can live your life the way you want to.

[ericmsant2]

Man Heather…I blink and you’ve started another thread 

I’ve given this man so much power over the years. I was beaten into submission.

The more you think about this….the more you just may get really really angry, which IMO is good. As long as you find a way to constructively process the anger and not hurl it back at him.

And, honestly, I think I may be a bit more nervous about succeeding than failing.

Totally normal. Guess what….. once you face that fear…you will be better.

And, it wasn’t just Smokey, it was my mom, my dad, my inlaws, my stepdad...there was an army of people who always seemed to expect me to fail and rarely gave me the benefit of the doubt. I can’t remember a time in my adult life that I didn’t feel worried or vigilant about how someone would perceive something I did, said, felt, whatever...

Yes they all had a role….just do not lose sight of the fact that YOU did too. I guess my point is…do not fall into the victim mentality. Realize you did the best you knew how at the time. You now know better…so you will do better.

I’m seeing that I’m a bit paranoid about the people I’m working with...reacting to me like Smokey. That someone will zero in one fault of mine, one mis-step, one fumble and it will all come tumbling down.

Heather…you were in an abusive R. The feelings you have are all normal..at least IMO. What I think may help…is accepting that these feelings will linger for a while. As my therapist once said to me, Eric your “abandonment” issue do not just go away. Nope. It is not anything that you can “fix”….that said…now that you are aware of them…you can deal with it. So I guess that is the same advice I would give you. You were abused on some level, your confidence shot to h*ll. I do not think you can change it overnight. What you can change is how YOU LOOK and DEAL with it. ACCEPT and remind yourself that you are learning who you really are outside of an abusive R. Take your time, take chance. Do not be afraid to make mistakes – we all do. Just learn from them.

Ok. So, I sent this text.

Still attached on some level huh….when you finally stop looking for a sane and reasonable response….when you finally say…I do not care….that is Heather…is when the real healing begins.

Heather…one request…

You are a strong woman and are out from under his thumb now and can live your life the way you want to.

I would like you to say this ^^^^ out loud to yourself….20 times, 4 times a day.

Peace,
Eric

[Matt165]

Heather I think you should cross stitch the cat question and hang it up on the wall next to a "Home Sweet Home" one. Might be a good hobby for your younger D! I can see it now when people come visit and ask about the "What About The Cat?" saying on the wall. It's too funny for words!!

[LoisB]

He texted D12 again- after I texted him.

Smokey: Howdy D12! How is New York? Are you enrolled in school?

D20 got a hold of my phone and responded to What about the cat?

D20: Dead.

I love my kids. :-)

Had a good day at work. Helped proof the paper. One more thing I know I can do now. :-)

[LoisB]

I know Eric. I'm not there yet. I'm not at the place where it doesn't matter. Not yet...but closer than I've ever been.

[Mighty]

Seriously, with the cat? I love d20's response. Sometimes our kids get it while we overthink it. That's funny.

Now, here is my take on some of your feelings. I believe that Smokey is probably a very insecure person. Insecure people manipulate and abuse others. Since they don't feel control over themselves or their emotions, they try to control someone else, like a spouse and/or children. In doing this, it gives them power, validates (in some weird way) their worth, and makes them feel that they have someone who cares because they that person is able to be controlled/manipulated.


In Smokey's reaction to you leaving... well, that's exactly what it is. A reaction. Smokey is scared, sad, insecure, lost, but he may not even know he has these feelings. He may be so out of touch to them, that the only thing he knows how to do is react. And how does that come out? In anger, belittling, trying to dominate, trying to knock down others.

Smokey is weak emotionally and mentally. Now, can you imagine what he feels now that the one thing he had to validate his strength and security (his family) up and left his @$$ (sorry, no disrespect)? What does he know to do? React. That's it.

Afraid? Huh, he is the one who is afraid, my friend. He may not know it, but he does at the same time. Here is this woman, who just left him to deal with the rest of the mess he created. You? You took the goods- the important things. Your girls. Your family. You went someplace new. You are doing it. You are taking care of you and your family. You are no longer under his control. That is scary for him. He is scared of you. He will try his antics, but don't ever fear that... because those antics come from a very weak place. Those antics reveal his weakness.

You are the strong one. He fears you. Don't underestimate yourself. You don't need to be nasty. You be you. Keep your concern right where it has been- taking care of you and the girls. He can't do that. And he knows it.

BTW- I loved your text to him. Spot on, girl. Nailed it!

[LoisB]

Mighty,

Thanks so much. I believe you hit the nail on the head. Kinda wish I could hit the hammer on the head that is Smokey's.

I guess I anticipated a jumble of feelings with this move...but, maybe this is something you can't prepare for?? It just is.

Sooooooo, I have this long drive home and I was full of God's spirit. The sun was setting. I was listening to Mahalia Jackson. The countryside was beautiful. I saw a horse chasing some dairy cows down a hill playfully. I had helped proof my first issue of the paper and I discovered, again, that I CAN handle this!! And, I cried for Smokey and cried for myself...a bittersweet cry...sad for him being so off-the-charts and missing all this and proud of me. And, I realized, in that moment, there's nothing to fear. He is simply a very sick person who is lashing out because he's lost his family. He can try to do whatever...but, it really doesn't impact me. I will try to get my atty to put the temp support in place...but, even if it doesn't happen, I will be ok...I will earn what we need to make it and D20 will figure out college and we will get it done. We always get it done. And, I felt forgiveness. I forgive him for being so sick. IDK...I just cried.

Then, I came home...feeling very contented with my life and walked in the door and D12 had taken the entire day to put the downstairs into order. :-) It was beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. The downstairs, lacking a couch, chair, coffee table...all of it...it was beautiful and clean and a scented candle was burning in the kitchen and we made a soft place to sit and watched a biography of Agatha Christie :-) (a personal heroine of mine)...Life is good. :-)

[LoisB]

Oh, and I had a crazy dream where I flipped out on my mom and she flipped out back at me. I was angry with her for allowing another damaged man rob me of my mother. I was screaming bloody murder at her for not helping me and sitting and pining away for another crazy a$$hat. At one point, in the dream, she flipped out back at me and glass went everywhere and I was terrified she hurt herself. Then, I felt a bit annoyed that I'd have to take her to the ER when I had other things to do. Interesting, huh? I was worried about her and annoyed all at the same time...Like, Seriously, woman, get your shid together!

[LoisB]

OH!! And, then, I looked down and realized that I had a piece of glass stuck in my thumb. It was a bit hidden and I could have easily missed it, but it was pretty serious all the same. For some reason, in the dream, I was focused on the idea that I could have missed this piece of glass and it could have done some serious damage to me. But, I found it and I was relieved, but a bit worried that I may have missed some of it.

[Ggrass]

Louis, I sent a text that required no reply mine sent back.

So, what happens now?

In reply to " gun dealer said gun is all good" no action on his part nor reply needed.

I thought he had not completed paper work and it would affect me, but he hasn't done paperwork but he will suffer consequences not us.
Oh I would reply to enquirery about the cat the location of his grave!

[LoisB]

Hi G!

And Everyone :-)

So, my office is done...D.O.N.E. Huge sigh of relief. I feel like I can, now, settle into my job. And, it's beautiful...well, cute and functional for now. The girls came down with me yesterday and we all worked our a$$e$ off to get it done. Stained this cool ol' drafting table to serve as a counter, picked up flowers/ferns/cornstalks/pumpkins from two different local nurseries/stopped at the flea market for some pictures to hang/hung all the pictures/spray painted a coat rack and chair black/set up coffee table and got some other stuff, etc...

And, now, I'm sitting in my pretty little office in Adams, NY...drinking my coffee and typing this. I'm a happy girl.

I just sent a mass email to the publisher, editors, powers that be so all can see what we accomplished with photos attached.

Now, it's time to get down to writing a newspaper and settling into this new life.

[LoisB]

Apparently, the cat issue is, well, dead. Smokey sent me a delightful text this morning...

"Have you paid your car insurance for your new car? I will only be paying blah, blah, blah like normal and NOT the additional."

Gee, thanks. And, yes, our daughter is recovering from her dead cat just fine.

I'm going to put some make up on now. I'm a bit whipped. I also need to deal with the atty issue at some point...and, I need to make a nice spreadsheet of all I have spent, need to spend and what will be reimbursed from the paper.

I also need a haircut before the party on Saturday.

[job]

Well done! I knew you'd get it done and look how much your girls assisted you. It was a team effort and now you can sit back, drink your coffee and smile. Why? Because the heavy lifting part of this chore is done. Be sure to acknowledge the girls for coming out to assist you.

Everything is coming together nicely. I'm happy for you.

[ericmsant2]

Heather

I know Eric. I'm not there yet. I'm not at the place where it doesn't matter. Not yet...but closer than I've ever been.

I can see it Heather...I really can. No rush to "get there"...you will get there when you get there. The hard part, which was figuring out where "there" was....has been done for the most part. You may not know what you "want" per se...but IMO, it is clear that you know what you "don't want". And that is IMO, half the battle.

I am sooooooo proud of you!

Slowly it is coming together. Much like a painting. Your life right now is YOUR canvas - you can paint it just they way you like..and from where I sit...the end product is gonna be amazing!

[LoisB]

Thanks Job and Eric.

I'm soooooooo tired. I've been sitting quietly in my office today sketching out a template for the paper. I want to have certain things locked into various positions each week. It will make it easier for the readers to find what they want and easier for me to write.

But, dammmm, I'm pooped. A local diner is looking to hire D20 as a busboy/dishwasher. I'm so relieved. She will easily move up to server quickly. This particular diner does a lot of business and is owned by a really nice, former reporter for the newspaper.

I think I could sleep for 48 hours straight.

[LoisB]

As far as Smokey is concerned. Here's my take...

I'm still attached to the man underneath the disease. The good guy to this monster. If, however, by some miracle, Smokey were to call today and offer to go to rehab and so forth...well, I think the reality of his being back in my life would be much more difficult than what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not saying I would reject him...but, I think he has become more of a ghost than a real person.

I'm not sure how I would react to the real person, at this point. The real, living, breathing, flatulating, smoking, hypercritical, control freak of a guy...I doubt I would find him that attractive at this point. And, while Smokey was always this great guy underneath his problems, even when he was sober, he had some serious personality issues to work on.

I'm kinda wondering, out of curiousity and exhaustion...what would a nice man and a nice relationship with someone who actually made me a priority..what does that look like? What does that feel like? Maybe, I finally, FINALLY, believe that I deserve the respect, attention and time of nice man.

We shall see.

For today, I'm going home to my kids and dog.

[ericmsant2]

I'm not saying I would reject him...but, I think he has become more of a ghost than a real person.

I'm not sure how I would react to the real person, at this point.

Cool thing about this......

Is that at the end of the day....

YOU DECIDE!

You and only YOU say when it is over - never forget that. You really are in control of YOUR life.

Now go get some sleep

[Underdog]

A local diner is looking to hire D20 as a busboy/dishwasher.

This isn't the Cook Diner, is it? My parents had lunch there today... LOL.

Glad to hear that you're getting settled in at home and work. Keep on keepin' on!

Betsey

[kml]

I'm kinda wondering, out of curiousity and exhaustion...what would a nice man and a nice relationship with someone who actually made me a priority..what does that look like? What does that feel like?

It feels GREAT!!!!

This morning my honey came over at 7:30 and brought me a Starbucks coffee and made me breakfast while I was getting ready for work - just so he could spend a half hour with me out of our busy work day

[kml]

P.S. - someone just posted this on Facebook:

"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."

[Wonka]

Ms. Lois Heather Lane...your very own Clark Kent will come by and sweep you off your feet soon enough! Patience, m'dear.

Well done! You've made HUGE strides and you deserve a small tot of my Amaretto. (rarely ever share my amaretto with anyone!)

[BrightFuture]

Kml, this a great quote! I like it.

Heather, what you’ve accomplished is remarkable. Just imagine how much better it is going to feel when you settle down at your job, your new place and have a little break for yourself.

[LoisB]

My neighbor says Smokey was over at the house lickety-split with two other men mowing and burning stuff. I'm a bit thrown. She didn't want to tell me earlier because he was of so little help when we lived there. She asked if he was planning on living there?

I emailed my atty this morning and told him to please NOT withdraw the $500 I had arranged for withdrawal for today. Told him I would contact him early next week with instructions. I feel a bit hollow inside after receiving the email from my friend.

[BklynMom]

I don't follow. What was he doing by mowing and burning

[job]

I can understand how you feel about the email, but you need to remember that the house is now empty and he's probably trying to get it ready to either rent or sell it. He also remembers you mentioning the thefts in the area and what better way to announce a home is empty then by allowing the grass to grow and be left unattended? He really has no choice but to either clean up the place himself or hire someone. I guess my question is...were you expecting him to just leave it as is? Your neighbor mentioned 2 men, could be friends or family members...but no mention of a female. So, don't assume the woman was there.

Yes, it's sad, again, he has only two choices, do the work or hire someone. I would toss the thoughts aside as to what he did or didn't do around the home for now and look to your new day and your big day tomorrow. The past is the past and today is the present, a gift to open, enjoy and experience new things.

BTW, did you get the mattress situation taken care of? Did you ever receive the mattress at your new place?

[LoisB]

The hollow feeling comes from...??? I mean I knew he was over there...I guess that he was over there with help...probably the skank and that was our safe place from him.

And, the reality that he just doesn't care about us. We stand in the way of his life.

I, honestly, believe that if I were to drop the legal issues...he would just go away completely. I know he would. And, a part of me finds this very appealing.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job. As always, the initial information gets me. Once it begins to digest, I'm better, then a lil' better, then on even keel again.

And, my friend asked the question..."Please tell me he isn't planning on living there?"

I guess that scared me. Maybe a worst fear? He and skank will live in OUR home.

I just want him to go away.

Drinking my coffee in my office. Enjoying this morning. Planning the next issue. The girls are with me. D20 just walked over to the diner to drop off her application. She and D12 are going to the library later.

This morning, while praying, I felt God nudging me to stop taking all this D business with Smokey so seriously and to consider ways to move this man, in his current state, out of my life/thoughts. I'm much better off without him.

Options:

I'm considering all my options here. I could instruct my atty to make some sort of offer and see what they come back with? Start with $500 in child support and $500 in alimony. Half of retirement...

I could drop the filing and force Smokey to file/or not.

I could just let things go completely. Stop paying the atty and figure out alternative ways to supplement my income. I know Smokey would leave us the he!! alone then...I fear his atty attacking the homeschool issue with Smokey's recent text to D12, "Are you enrolled in school?"

I know if I just dropped it all, he would leave us be...is it worth it?

Part of me says, "YES!" WE would be rid of him. I could focus on my career and put things in order. I know I'm capable of earning enough to support us comfortably...it's whether I'm willing to let him off he hook completely?

No Smokey in my life/our lives vs. Forcing him to accept some responsibility--which can also mean some interference.

Can you drop a filing? Or do you just let the time frame run out?

Nobody panic. I'm just weighing the options. I'm tired of expending energy on this man.

[LoisB]

Brook,

He was at the old house, mowing and burning garbage and cleaning it up.

[ericmsant2]

Lois,

I know this is draining and really can suck the life out of you. I also understand why you would want to consider other options – probably so that this could just be OVER. I’ve been there.

Here is my 2 cents for what it is worth.

Child support for your D is not for you. It is for your D. Walking away from this IMO, is not an option. If anything I would put the money in an account for my daughter and use it for her when she needs stuff. Your ex may choose not to pay, be in contempt of court and you actually may not need it…these are scenarios that may or may not happen. Having a legal document in place will at least give YOU the option later on…should you choose to enforce it is really a decision that you do not have to make today. From where I sit….the only decision you need to make is…..do you want to have the option to secure funds for your daughter.

Alimony – Consider that I am a payor of alimony so factor that in when you read my response. Personally, I believe you have a right to secure alimony. The question is much like child support….is this something that you want to have an option to pursue? On one hand I applaud you for being willing to step up and become responsible for yourself. It is admiring to read! That said, you were at SAHM for years, which impacted your ability to earn for yourself. One can argue that this was a mutual choice…that is really not the point. If I were you, I would ask myself… how much do I really need. The child support should not be include yet at the same time, your budget should reflect what you need to maintain YOUR life. Getting back to what I would do….I would determine what I need to pay my bills and take care of the kids (I would add things like….well I’m entitled to an annual vacation so I have to budge that in) and maintain them in a decent lifestyle. I would then look at that number, see how much of it I could cover and whatever the shortage is….I would ask for. At the end of the day…as long as you know you are being fair and not trying to use it to “show him”…”teach him”…or rationalize the amount by telling yourself you are “entitled”.....as long as you know you are doing the right thing – then move forward with that. I totally understand that need to get away from him, get him out of your life, etc. giving up alimony will not ensure that he just goes away. Finally, one thing to consider……securing a judgment does NOT mean that YOU have to enforce it. You simply have the option to.

Retirement – Personally, you should ask for retirement. You are older…just starting out…. You should at least have something that you can look forward to.


In short, I think drafting an offer and sending it to your attny is what I would do. If he does not agree, I would move forward with going to court and letting the judge decide. I would make one and only one offer. I would not spend money going back and forth with your Smokey who is crazy.

Finally….you do not have to decide anything TODAY…..maybe…just maybe….today you should rest.

(((hugs)))

[kml]

There are calculators for child support and alimony in your old state, based on his income and yours, use them instead of just pulling a number out of the air. If you went to court a judge would likely use these calculators anyway. Find out what those figures are and use them. Half of the retirement that was earned during the years of marriage. Half of any equity if the house sells. Simple enough, get your attorney to put together an offer and see if you can't get this done.

[LoisB]

K, duh, I know! I'm not new to this rodeo. :-)

My figures were based on the calculations. But, Smokey hasn't given his income yet...soooooooo.....

IDK. I'm down today.

I'm not sure why??

The email from my friend reminded me that my life is still there, somewhat, in Ohio and??? IDK. I can't seem to put it into words. It just got to me. The idea of him working in our yard. I woulda killed for that man to show up and mow while we lived there...for any sign that we mattered to him.

Then, mid-day, my mother called. She wanted me to give her a 60 second recap on my week...and, as always, the question, "Have you heard anything from the atty?"

So, I filled her in. I told her that I received the letter and how I was upset with my atty and yadda, yadda and told her that Smokey's atty described the house being left in a despicable condition...to which, my mother responded, "Well, you lived there in that despicable condition for nearly 3 years." It got to me. Really mom?

And, then, she asked me about this party tomorrow where I'm the guest of honor and she was asking what I found to wear and????

I just feel this overwhelming sadness today and sense of being really alone in this world. Like all the people I counted on, loved, gave all of my love to...well, they are all a$$hats.

On the bright side, job is going well and D20 got a job.

[LoisB]

But, I still have a newspaper to put out and I'm really emotionally drained. Maybe a part of me was holding out for Smokey to miraculously realize what he was losing and showing up on a white steed?

The girls are so sick of each other and I'm sick of them...really glad D20 has a job! :-)

The Jeep is making terrible noises...just when I get a new car, the old one needs repaired...I'm hoping it's just the exhaust that was rattled during the tow from Ohio. One more thing to fix.

And, money, money, money...And angry that I'm dealing with my new job and new state and all of the emotions the girls are handling and I'm doing it without help from sh!thead...and, he still gets to go on with his life.

Sorry, I think I need a good night's sleep and a brisk walk in the morning. I'm Debbie Downer tonight. The girls keep reminding me that there's this party tomorrow...for ME and I should be HAPPY!!

[beatrice]

Heather, I don't post much at the moment, but Ihave read along with your situation, and you are getting some great advice.

You have done an amazing job moving your family to New York, settling down to your job and dealing with the divorce - those of us who have gone through the process from start to finish know that in most cases, divorcing, or being divorced from a MLCer isn't easy. in fact I have come to suspect the earlier we do it in the crisis, the easier it is, because at that stage they just want out, but we are encouraged, rightly, to give it our best shot. With the benefit of hindsight part of me wishes I had done it immediately!

You must be emotionally and physically drained by all that you have accomplished, and probably need to cut yourself some slack. There are a couple of things I would say, as an old timer.

The first is that you seem to still have expectations that your mother is going to change her behaviour towards you. She likely won't and she certainly won't until you change the dance. There is a great book on narcissism, by Wendy Behary, which gives strategies for dealing with a self absorbed person, and gives some insights on why they are so very good at pressing our buttons. I had better not give the title, as i think it contravenes the current site rules, but if you google her name it will come up. I have a number of narcissists in my life, and it has helped me a lot

The second thing I would say is to remember to practise the daily habit of gratitude. You have done a lot, your girls have helped, and although money remains an issue, you actually had a father who finally lent you some. Not everyone who goes through this has any parental help or support, OK yours could be better, but actually it could be a lot worse.

Once we get back to seeing the glass half full, and count our blessings we start to feel our good fortune (if all else fails, remember what 25years says: - you aren't living in Africa (or the middle East) right now. Most of your problems are first world problems, and many of them will not matter in 5 years time

Have a good weekend

[job]

Heather,
Wanted to come here this morning and wish you a good day. Enjoy your day of recognition at work and remember, you are not alone. Look at the glass as half full and yes, you've had a lot of positives come your way in the last 3-4 weeks. Bea has pointed out a few of them. As for your mother, she's not going to change at this late date. Learn to accept her for who she is and take what she says w/a grain of salt.

As for your h, I do believe that deep down you were hoping that this move and the changes that you've made over the last few years would wake him up and have him come running back to you. It's time to change the way you think because it appears that is not going to be the case for a long time, if ever. You are young enough to meet someone else who will treat you properly w/respect and love you for the person you are...but it takes time.

You aren't going to enjoy your new life until you are able to put the old one behind you, i.e., getting your legalities in order and moving forward. At some point, your neighbor needs to realize that you have moved on and do not want to hear anything about what he's doing at the old home. But, that will come in time.

For now, enjoy your day. Leave the situation back in Ohio there for today and enjoy your meet and greet. I can't wait to hear how the meet and greet went.

Also, I'm glad to read that your daughter has found a job. This will help will help w/her expenses and give your girls a break from each other.

[LoisB]

Points taken.

Pity party is now OFFICIALLY OVER!!

His loss. Truly.

Taking my dog for a walk now.

[BklynMom]

You are my idol.

I am so amazed at your transformation and your new life.

Give your self more credit.

Also problems and bs are such a part of everyday life we all need to learn to deal with the bs and move on.

Enjoy your party

[LoisB]

Thank u Brook...back atcha :-)

Party was a resounding success, all the powers that be were smiling and happy as clams with the turnout...it's over and I can simply write now :-)

Oh, and the girls were delightful and polite and charming.

Check please.

[Mighty]

Hey Heather! For sure, we are entitled to feeling the way your were. If not, we wouldn't be human. Don't doubt yourself. Sometimes it is good to get perspective to get us to move on. That does not take away from the hurt and gravity of what we are facing. It's OK, Heather. Really.

You are amazing. I really hope you find peace and happiness in your sitch. You have made such a drastic change to improve your life for you and your girls. It is truly admirable.

I think of you guys often. I am happy that your are making a change. Although it is tough now, and you are facing the trials of a new life and a drastic change, I really feel like it will pay off.

See you soon,
Mighty

[job]

I'm so happy to read that everything went well yesterday. Your meet and greet was a complete success and all three of you should be proud of working as a team to make this happen. Check the box and now on to new and exciting adventures this week.

[Wonka]

P.S. - someone just posted this on Facebook:

"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."

Ellie...this is the BEST quote I've ever seen in a loooong time and it did cause a small shift within me over the weekend. Somehow, it seemed as if I had an instant internal understanding and then all of the cells in my body just morphed into alignment.

Thanks, Ellie!!

[ericmsant2]

Congrats on a successful party!

[LoisB]

"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."

Ellie, this is a great quote. I never thanked you for it. It spoke to me the day you posted it and, again, today...Thank you.

I went to church today. The sermon was about change. Seems appropriate? Turns out the minister that I was so excited about, well, she announced her retirement today. Bummer. Good news is...there's a million churches in our small town. I will keep going to this one, but may try some of the other ones too.

I ran into another homeschooling mom with a D12!! Yay!! So strange, it was a person I tried to email last week. We made plans to get the two together on Wednesday. The church has a haunted house in the basement. I offered D12 and I to help set up on Weds.

She's driving me a bit batty, so we are meeting some local preteens none too soon.

I didn't get much done today with the newspaper. I sorta hit a wall with work. I think I needed to take a time out. D20 made us a great dinner of meatloaf, cheesy potatoes and green beans. I cleaned the kitchen after, cleaned out the litterboxes, did a little cleaning up outside that I had been putting off. Took a short walk with the pup and D12. I had the world's greatest nap. ;-)

Still feeling a bit lonely and lost in this new world...but, it's going to be ok. I trust that.

I had a moment in church today when God nudged me and asked, "Is there anything you would have done differently? Are you content with the decisions you have made up to now?" The answer was "No."

I got quiet and realized there isn't a single thing I would do differently. I felt peace when I accepted this. I feel content with who I am and the decisions I've made. I feel I have honored myself, my kids, even my marriage. I have been open to God's Will and I've been open to any miracles He may perform where Smokey is concerned. I believe Smokey knows, somewhere, that I would be there for him if he decided to get the help he needs.

I guess what I'm saying...I gave myself something of a break. I accepted that I've done the best I can and I wouldn't change anything. If it wasn't/isn't enough for Smokey, well, that's on him...not me.

[ericmsant2]

I guess what I'm saying...I gave myself something of a break. I accepted that I've done the best I can and I wouldn't change anything. If it wasn't/isn't enough for Smokey, well, that's on him...not me.

As uRworthy would say......

"We did the best we can with the tools we had at the time.".

That is all you ever could do Heather...your best.

So proud of you.

Google Meet ups...there may be a group in your area, which will help you meet more folks within the town.

[LoisB]

Thanks Eric.

I need to check in.

I'm stunned.

Last night, around 10 p.m., after a really grueling couple of days at work...my friend calls me to tell me that her 6-year-old daughter revealed to her that she had been sexually abused at my house by the teenage student--during one of my summer camps.

I go from feeling sick to feeling numb to feeling rage...

I spent a good part of my day today sending detectives back home information...phone numbers and other info about what I know about the boy.

I called his mom last night. She confronted him and he admitted it immediately. This boy is sick, sick, sick. I feel sick thinking of how close he was to my daughter and these other children I love.

The girl who was attacked is one of my favorite little girls in the entire world and her life is forever altered by something that happened under MY watch. Her older brother is the boy who helped me with firewood and the like for the past two years.

It happened during the busiest camp. This boy is a scary predator.

[Shining]

Heather, I'm so sorry....what a terrible thing for all.

[LoisB]

I'm beyond...I just can't even wrap my head around the idea that this happened in my home.

I learned today that it happened when we were swimming. The little girl didn't feel like swimming and I allowed her to head up to the house.

Last night, when I received the news, D20 panicked and called my mom while I was still on the phone with the mother of the victim. My mother, then, proceeds to tell me all the myriad of ways this could impact ME and the GIRLS...

"God, I hope this doesn't get into the papers."

"God, I hope you don't get sued."

"Oh my God, I hope you don't lose your job."

And, the list went on. I was in a state of shock and just mumbled something. My mind started rolling and I think I slept for about 45 minutes last night.

[LoisB]

I believe he is in custody tonight though. For this, I'm grateful. And, I know I was able to help by providing information to the detectives. I also told his mother that he needed locked up and begged her to step away when she indicated she was going to call the atty and maybe try to prevent the worst. I told her that I heard the details of the little girl's account and the worst needs to happen to this boy. He is sick and is dangerous to other children. I hope she leaves him in custody.

The details are excruciating for me to think about. I can't imagine how it is for the parents. These are people who I love and I just...what do I do? What do I say?

And, then, I have to pull my focus back and remember I have a new job and all sorts of details to work out here and a divorce and...

[GoatGal]

Wow. Heather. When it rains it pours.

Sorry to hear this. Just when you think you really can't handle anything else, you find you can.

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the hard way.

How are you at building an ark? Just in case those floods keep coming....


----(G)GGG

[LoisB]

Dry land is looking pretty good right now.

[BklynMom]

You did not cause this.

Please do not blame yourself for this terrible circumstance.

You have this weekend to mourn and address the pain of this awful situation. Until this weekend focus on your job. Divorce stuff can wait too.

This is not your fault in anyway. That boy is sick.

Your mother is an a$$. File under IGNoRE. What a jerk. It's hard for me to believe how much program she has

[LoisB]

If there's any silver lining...

I had had this terrible two days at work. It was my first newspaper issue and with all the office moving and reception party, I just wasn't prepared. Any, I learned I can do this job, but I have some things I need to work on...

However, after facing the reality of this horrible crime committed against a child, and the possibility of losing everything (however overeactive), and the possibility of my own daughter being the victim of this sexual predator...well, working my job and leading my boring life and settling into normalcy all seems like a wonderful luxury today.

And, D20, who came home complaining and hating her new dish washing job at a diner...well, after we received this news last night, she manned up and went to work today...as did I. I did a good job today and came home and we all went to our new church to help decorate for a Haunted House in the church basement. I made a few new friends. I met one woman who has a background in Special Ed and homeschools her daughter who has dyslexia.

[LoisB]

Thank you Brook :-)

[Mighty]

Oh my gosh, Heather. I am so sorry. This is a lot to deal with.

I am glad the little girl came forward. Now she can get the needed help and this boy can get it too. She probably saved other girls like her from a lot of damage. She is a brave girl.

I am sure this is a lot to wrap your head around, but remember, he is a predator. He was looking for any possible opportunity. He would have found a way to do this, no matter what. That's what people like him do. And they manipulate situations to provide themselves with an opportunity.

I am glad you were able to provide information to help with the investigation.

Deep breaths. It is scary to think that this could have happened to your d or others, but it didn't. Don't stress things that "could have." This is a terrible situation, Heather. My heart goes out to you and all involved.

The family and police are handling it. I'm sorry you have another thing added to your plate. But try to keep your momentum. I know it's difficult. Have faith that this will be taken care of accordingly. There are lots of resources for the little girl to help her through this. I am sure her family will do their best to get her what she needs.

I'm sorry you have to think about this now. Just another reminder about life and its trials, huh? You are strong, Heather.

Don't lose focus. I am still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[beatrice]

Heather - Just caught up with this. I am so very sorry. It is a blessing that you are totally out of the environment. Can you imagine what it would be like if you were there?

As for your mother - the thing to say is 'I could really use your support right now. This could happen to anyone' Don't argue, and you actually do not have to listen to her. The more firmly you deal with your mother, the more firmly you will be able to deal with your eldest daughter. Heather is not a couch for sitting on!

You are taking responsibility for what happened and I admire your honesty and growth.

[job]

Heather,
I'm sorry that this incident happened at your home. However, it is not your fault. You did what you needed to do, i.e., providing information, etc. to the police and that was the proper thing to do.

As for your mother, well, consider the source because she's never going to change. This is one of those times that she needs to be there to support you, listen to you and validate you, not get involved by calling a lawyer, etc.

I'm glad to see that your oldest daughter got up and went to work. Not all things in life will be peaches and cream each and every day and she will need to learn to take the bitter w/the sweet if she wants to get ahead in life.

Again, I'm sorry, but you've done all that you can do at this time about the incident back in your old home. Continue to look ahead and focus on today.

[LoisB]

Thank you friends. Thanks so much.

I know we will get through this. It helps to know I'm able to make a difference in getting the boy locked up. His mom has become a good friend to me and was instrumental in my getting this job. She was a reference on numerous occasions. Yesterday, I sent a private text conversation we had on Sunday to the detectives yesterday in which she told me how she had confronted her son and he confessed the incident. Part of me feels a bit like Pilate. I know it broke her heart, but this boy is dangerous.

I feel so sad on so many levels with this situation.

It did, however, occur to me that I could used this situation for some features in national publications where I could write about a million aspects of this sitch...how to help your kids stay safe, who are these predators and...how do you cope when your own child is a danger to society and other children...So many ways this situation could help, maybe, prevent just one incident from happening somewhere. I find comfort in this.

[LoisB]

I had an ok day. Seems like a good idea to report in with everything going on.

I have to head out again to two more meetings. D12 will be going with me.

Spoke to atty today. He said, based upon his experience with Smokey's atty, it would be a waste to propose an offer. He said he is 99% sure the deal would be rejected because Smokey's atty likes to drag things out. He says it would also send the message that I'm willing to buckle and negotiate. He told me that he believes I will walk away with something worth fighting for. Then, he asked about his fee. I need to let him know that I need him to push the temp support before I'm able to pay anything more?? IDK.

Witnessed a drug bust today. The whole thing was so ridiculous and it reminded me so much of Smokey. One thing in particular was like looking into my past life with him. The guy driving this car was standing aside with a trooper while a K-9 unit and four other officers searched this little Ford Focus for drugs.

The officers had to open the hood for the dog to sniff. Well, the vehicle's owner had to instruct the officers on the rig he had created because he had this huge dent in his hood and it wouldn't shut properly. The man had devised something to keep the hood closed and, when the officers managed to open the hood, it was very difficult to close again.

So, this vehicle owner...there were no drugs in the car...was able to pack up his belongings...mainly a bunch of crap, fast food wrappers and a...I kid you not...empty box of Fruit Loops that he was using to store his rolling papers...As he was tossing everything back into the car, I noticed him grab this bright orange rubber mallet. That's what he uses to get the hood of his car closed. He carries a bright orange rubber mallet so he can shut the hood of his car.

I shared this info with D20 and said, "It reminded me of Dad."

She said, "Yep, and, then you have to add in the obnoxious, flippant attitude we'd get if we questioned the rational of carting around a mallet when he could just take the hood to get fixed."

I lived like that for a long time. It was really hard for me to get repairs made on anything because I was so accustomed to living that way. Not Smokey's fault, mind you, but a part of life when you live with someone drug addicted. You change to normal to accommodate that kinda thinking.

The hood money was, I'm sure, spent on drugs and the cigarettes this man was smoking. Cigarettes are about $10 a pack in NY.

...In other news, I spoke to the detective briefly. He said they were having a hearing today. The teenage boy was not in custody yesterday. But, the det. said he spoke to his mom this morning and expected that he would be in custody by the end of the day.

I tried to lend some support to my friend (mom of the victim). She isn't sleeping and I told her about Ellie's advice of the melatonin which really works for me. I used the skills I learned on these boards and reminded her to take care of herself. I need to take my own advice.

Beginning to see some flaws in this system I'm working for. I can handle it...but, I need to be a bit vigilant while I get myself established and past the point of the "trial" of 30 days. I'm seeing an organization which is very supportive in some areas and sorta sets you up for failure in others. I can handle it. I just need to be on my game.

I felt somewhat back to normal today...in terms of the anxiety from all that's going on. I relaxed a bit. Much better from the series of panic attacks earlier this week. Still scared about money...but, I will be ok.

[kml]

I can handle it. I just need to be on my game.

Exactly this. Don't let yourself get too distracted by all the other Sturm und Drang, job needs to be priority one right now despite everything.

I don't exactly understand why an order for temporary support wasn't filed months ago, but seems like that's a no-brainer at the moment. Git er done.

Meanwhile - can you pick up any evening babysitting (at your house)? Find some couples or single moms who want to drop their kid off with you while they go for an evening out? Or pick up any side technical writing or editing job online? Anything to bring in a little side cash (but not distract you too much from your job, which has to come first).

Also - take care of yourself, this has been a tremendous strain. Buy a big box of Epsom salts (very cheap!) and take a candle into the bath and soak. Good therapy.

[LoisB]

Thanks Ellie, this is what I'm thinking too. Put the job first, get things in place...get through this 3 month trial period safely.

I need to vent. I need to unload some from this week from hell.

I'd really appreciate it if I didn't get any 2x4's...I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight. Not that I really deserve any, but I'm just putting that out there...no "Put on your big girl panties or anything of the like." In fact, I'd like to take my big girl panties and burn them.

So, before any of this tragedy of the the attack at my house revealed itself, I was already struggling.

Last weekend, after the reception party and its success...I panicked. There's no other way to put it. I was having some serious panic attacks.

The last time I put an entire newspaper together, it was daunting and it took me some time to learn how to accomplish each task in a way that worked for me. It was kinda like taking a piece of stone and carving out a bit at a time and going into this zone where I work out the details by tweaking this, then, tweaking that...

Last weekend, after this reception, I realized that I had a paper to put out and I've been so lost in the details of moving and opening the office...that I had neatly avoided any major writing because it scared the shid outta me. It's a been a really long time since I wrote newspaper articles and I didn't have much a clue about their particular style/format etc...

Each publication has its own version of the AP Stylebook. This newspaper, for instance, uses courtesy titles like Mr. and Mrs. before each and every name.

At one point, I asked the editor about this and he simply said..."We just follow the AP."

I'm terrible at communicating this type of stuff. My brain has been moving in a million different directions and zeroing in on the minutia is not my forte.

[LoisB]

Ok, so here I'm feeling major writer's block. I'm terrified to put anything into the newspaper's database for fear that I will be revealed to be terrible and I will be fired. I was tired, overtired, and put waayyyy tooo much pressure on myself and I was a bit of a wreck on Sunday and Monday. But, I kept reassuring myself that it will be ok...

I had impressed the hell outta everyone by putting things into place with the office and meeting the community and etc...but, I had been given a free pass on paper because my managing editor's wife had been serving as editor in the interim and I was able to put all my energies into getting things settled for an office and preparing to take over the newspaper.

Factor into all this...the managing editor is a massive micromanager. And, his wife has been doing all of this work on the newspaper remotely. She is in Albany or something and she refuses to come into the newspaper building. So, my only training from her has been two long lunches where she wrote all these things down that I need to remember. She made me a notebook of tips.

[LoisB]

So, this is when I began to see the flaws in this system that I've been hired into...a managing editor with some major control issues and anxiety that spins outta control with the slightest touch, a remote and fairly unhelpful person doing the training (someone who is kinda weird about letting go of this project and almost makes feel like she wants me to fail and another editor, directly above me, who is putting out vibes that he is interested in me...which plays into my insecurity and makes me begin to think this is why I was hired. Crap. And, everyone is intertwined. And, everyone has invested all this money and time and stuff into getting this newspaper back on its feet.

[LoisB]

Now, let's add into the equation that they hired me and, then, without telling me any of this...jumped into putting more issues of the paper out. So, they bought this newspaper, hired me and told me I'd have a say in how the paper looks/format/style changes etc...but, starting publishing it with the managing editor's wife. And, they arranged for this party last weekend where the whole town wants to come to meet me and rented this office that I was responsible for putting together. Plus, I was feeling enormous pressure to put the office into order because the control freak managing editor makes it hard for me to relax and write and, also, I'm thinking I need a place for D12 to get some schoolwork done without having to leave her alone at home.

It's like a spiderweb of shid. Everything connected to the other and it all, at least feeling like it, on my shoulders.

And, the newspaper is all like..."Do whatever, it's fine...no need to be here at the main office...you're doing great, etc..."

[LoisB]

This is helping. I'm sorting it all out. Ok.

I've been blaming myself like I majorly screwed something up here...but, it's making more sense.

On my first day of work, everyone was too busy to train me on anything. And, in some ways, that works great for me. I handled things on my own. I took the initiative and got my laptop, took care of the phone...the problem is...my anxiety took over with the writing and, when I didn't deliver on time last week, the managing editor went apeshid and started this snowball from hell that feels like it's still rolling.

The editor directly above me said he was impressed with how I handled it all and poked some fun at the other editor's controlling ways...

I know this all part of settling into a new job. I guess I'm just a bit fried after this week and I feel enormous pressure to do an impressive job on the next paper.

[LoisB]

This computer system they use is from hell. Satan invented this database. The company has six newspapers and they keep all of the stories in this single database. I'm allowed to draw whatever I like from the main paper, but figuring out how to go about that or finding a story I can use is a major task.

And, trying to download pictures into the system is worse than the article database. They have this stupid, complicated way of titling each pic and I still haven't figured out how to get a picture into the actual system, no matter how many times I've asked...I think I started asking on the second day of work.

[LoisB]

Have to go pick up more nails for D12 to hang more pics.

This is helping. I will continue when I get back.

[Ggrass]

Wow, that's a lot to have dropped in your lap!

Makes my petty crapola look easy and minuscule.

[LoisB]

Thanks G :-)

After a good night's sleep...I'm confident I am able to handle this job. But, the anxiety is what has the potential to bring it all tumbling down. I need to address the anxiety and manage it better so I don't sabotage this new opportunity.

I'm taking Prozac...if anyone has any suggestions on natural supplements for anxiety. I'm sure regular exercise would help. I need to take care of myself right now, more than ever before.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Lois,

I will get you the name of a natural product you can take for anxiety in place of Prozac. I found it for my oldest when they want to put her on Prozac. I was against putting teens on it and adults as well unless all else failed. She still uses the stuff as she needs and it seems to work well. I have to see her to get the name because I cannot remember as it was 4 years ago.

[LoisB]

Thanks Life,

I don't think I'm willing to go off the Prozac at this point, but I'm willing to try some natural remedies for the anxiety.

I can feel it building up this morning. So, I'm going to do what I did back in Ohio. I will report the tasks accomplished here, along with the tasks I plan on tackling next.

So far:

Cleaned the litterbox. It was really gross. The girls need to pick up the slack here.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Fed the dog/cats.

Took out the garbage.

Next...

Put one more story into the database. My editor gave me a list of several stories that I can use for next week's copy.

I'm struggling with a column I have to write.

Apparently, this rural community used the old newspaper, under previous ownership, to attack one another. According to a local minister, the area is notorious for ganging up on each other. Well, I received a thoughtful letter-to-the-editor from someone whose feelings were hurt and was trying to make it clear that this type of behavior can't continue.

My first instinct was to write a column from the point-of-view of an experienced mom and former teacher...We need to play nice.

But, I'm an outsider and I'm a bit nervous I will offend from the Get Go. Still, it would get readers...hmmmmmmm.

I did ask a local minister to write a column on the importance of community. IDK.

I will add another story to the queue.

[job]

Heather,
You've got the new hire anxiety. It's perfectly normal and you have to give yourself at least a couple of months to feel comfortable in your own skin at the paper. No one is expecting you to know everything when you walk thru the door. So, you don't know how to get the photos done, continue to ask. In fact, ask someone to sit with you a couple of times until you feel comfortable in doing it on your own. So what if you've asked before, nothing brings out the team spirit more than when a newbie needs help. Ask questions, go to the team and continue ask. Show your appreciation by purchasing donuts or something on a Friday, etc. I don't think anyone wants to see you fail. In fact, I think people are excited to have you there and yes, you are new to the area, so new ideas will be coming along from you as you get settled in.

You can take my advice or leave it, but you are still too new to get into the middle of the communities politics of attacking each other. I would address the letter that you received and thank him/her for her letter. Don't commit to anything at this time. Just sit back and observe for a bit. You don't want to change too much in the beginning. People are more receptive to ideas from newbies gradually.

One of the things that might help you is to involve the community more in what goes in the paper. I like the idea of the local minister writing an article on the importance of community. I hope he will do it.

For now, try to accept the fact that you are new and yes, it takes time to feel comfortable in your new role. This new role is one that takes you outside of your comfort zone for many reasons and that's why you are getting anxious. You are not going to fail, but you do need to keep asking for help until you learn the new systems. Always remember...Rome wasn't built in a day...and neither is learning a new and different job. Be patient w/yourself. Okay?

[LoisB]

Thank you so much Job. That helped, alot.

I put one more story into the queue.

I will add another.

[LoisB]

Added two more. I'm writing down questions I have about submission of articles and art as I go. I'm also taking careful notes of the stories I want to use.

I still have a lot to do, but I feel like I'm making progress.

I'm going to grab another cup of coffee and something to eat.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Lois,

the product that I got for my daughter is called Seredyn. You can look at in on http://seredyn.com/?gclid=CP_Cp4SPyMECFbNj7AodzWgAlQ. It covers anxiety and such and i recommend it because of what it has done for my oldest. My daughter just takes them when she starts to anxiety coming on. I would be careful mixing anything with prozac. maybe look and see if there are any interactions if mixed.

[LoisB]

Thanks so much Life. I will check it out.

I have 14 items in the queue right now. That's about 14 more than I had last week at this time and paper still managed to come out looking alright. I'm feeling a bit better.

This weekend will be mainly devoted to putting things into place for a smooth production on Monday and Tuesday.

I, also, however want to take a hike with the girls and relax.

[Mighty]

Heather,

Starting any new job is so overwhelming- especially when there are new computer systems to learn.

You will get it, I have no doubt. Job has some good advice. I would also suggest, when you have someone sit with you, write it down, step-by-step so you have a reference that you can easily utilize any time you need.

You are doing an amazing job. Try not to get too overwhelmed. One thing at a time. Keep your focus on that, then move on. Don't sweat stuff you can't control.

Have you read anything about Buddah? There is a book for teens which is pretty interesting. I got it for s17 to help with his stress and anxiety. I read some before I gave it to him. It was pretty good. I was going to finish it when he was done.

Hey- if you are looking for a column, I know where you can find a writer! He writes stuff mostly based from that area, so the locals would totally get it. He is already in for one of the few papers you can choose from!

Good luck, girl. It will all start to calm down once things get more familiar and settled. I am sure it is quite overwhelming at this point. One thing at a time.... you got this!

What are you doing next Saturday? I'm thinking Finger Lakes... wine country! Beautiful this time of year.

[LoisB]

I just need to vent a bit about some, what I see as abusive posts, on another thread.

Honestly, if I had received a series of confrontational, Socratic method posts...when I was at my absolute weakest...I doubt I would return to this forum.

This isn't Harvard Law School.

Experience, strength and hope...that's what I came here for. What purpose does it serve to have someone so raw explore how they screwed up their marriage or what hidden agenda they may have when filing for separation? And, to jump to these conclusions because someone defends themselves?

Personally, I see this as abuse.

[LoisB]

And, thank you Mighty for the support. It's much appreciated right now.

I learned tonight that the little girl who was assaulted is finished with the physical exam and visit from children's services. I guess children's services will be calling me.

I feel so blessed that these friends whose daughter was assaulted...they are still friends. I'm relieved the exam is over and done with. The little girl is healthy and will be ok. She has lots of love around her.

Still overwhelming, scary stuff, but I'm trying hard to turn it over.

[123Gwen]

LoisB - You have been dealing with so much. I think your job sounds incredible! About a million years ago I was editor of my college paper and I loved it though trying to produce a weekly issue was so stressful even though I was still a student. Politics were rampant.

I imagine working in a small community is somewhat similar and sometimes even more difficult. Hang in there because with a little time I have a feeling you will create a new rhythm to your job that will help you achieve great success. It takes months to understand all the nuisances of a new job. You are making great progress.

I am so sorry to hear about the young girl. What a brave child and you are helping both families by being transparent and providing factual information to the authorities. I can imagine it must be difficult but you are facing it all head on. What an important message for your daughters.

Hang in there. You are focusing on the right people and taking care of the right things.

[BrightFuture]

Heather, I like job’s advice in sitting back and observing for now. I also agree with her that it will take a couple of months to get settled with your job. I started my job in May and just now I’m starting to feel very comfortable with it. Give yourself some time. You will get there.

As for the anxiety… I don’t remember if you so meditation. I found it very helpful when I can join some free meditation series on mentor’s channel. There is one going on right now. I wish I could send you the link, but I’m afraid I’m going to be put on mediation here, LOL.

[LoisB]

Thank Bright, I really appreciate all the support right now.

I do meditate...I may need to be more consistent with it. My new schedule still feels all over the place. I know exercise would make a big difference.

For today,

I'm going to church with D12. I plan on asking if I could meet with the minister in private. I'd like to talk to her about joining the church, getting D12 baptized and the possibility of counseling.

I'm also going to take a walk. It's a bit dreary here today, but I know the lab would love a long hike.

In addition to doing laundry...I plan on working for 3-4 hours today. I really want things firmly in place for tomorrow. That means working hard today, but it will pay off tomorrow and Tuesday.

Love to everyone...I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.

[LoisB]

Oh, and I want to wash the car.

[LoisB]

Washed the car.

Went to church. Minister wasn't there, but have phone number.

Spent the morning with D12.

I'm going to chill a bit and, then, get to work.

[BklynMom]

Heather. You are doing an amazing job at your new gig. You are the new guy so there are many people at your job that may be jealous about your position or are just insecure themselves so they are not supportive.

Your posts this weekend did an amazing job of staying focused

You are totally right about not abusing people on these boards. I hate the term and the act of 2x4. For me I have learned so much from people just listening to me and agreeing with me and then maybe asking me a question or two.

There is absolutely no reason ever to hurt someone on these boards. So many of us leave our blood sweat and tears in our posts.

Oh btw have you ever read we are the mulvaneys. Watertown area reminds me so much of that book. Such a great book and actually does tie in to our current life circumstances and how things do travel full circle

[ForeverYoung]

You are totally right about not abusing people on these boards. I hate the term and the act of 2x4. For me I have learned so much from people just listening to me and agreeing with me and then maybe asking me a question or two.

There is absolutely no reason ever to hurt someone on these boards. So many of us leave our blood sweat and tears in our posts.

Well said BklynMom, and I agree. I think we all tend to see "our way" as the best (and for some, the only) way to DB. But insisting we are right seldom helps. Compassion and love goes a long way in helping others.

Bust On, Heather!

[LoisB]

Thanks for the support guys.

Second edition is done and looks nice.

I'm pleased with how it looks. This one was all me with some extra help from the layout lady and my editor. They both really helped in mapping things out and catching things I missed.

I'm digesting this process and tweaking it to make it my own.

I didn't have any input or issues with the controlling editor this week. He and his wife stepped away. That was nice. Still had the feeling he was hovering, but he wasn't even around.

I have issues with the process of putting this into place each week, but feel confident I can do it.

I'm exhausted.

[job]

Well done. Second edition is done and now on to other things. It takes time to "master" new things such as new processes w/computers, layouts, people and yes, even working in a new environment, such as an office w/people around you.

Think about it, there was a time you didn't like to have to deal w/a lot of people and look at you now! You are dealing w/people each and every day and doing a nice job of it.

Give yourself a pat on the back. It's been a tough month for you, but it'll be over in a couple of days.

A nice, hot bubble bath is in order for you this evening.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job.

I had a meeting with my editor today.

He asked, "How many days did you work last week?"

I, being me, immediately thought I was in trouble.

He was like, "six? seven?"

I answered honestly, "seven."

He said, "Well, we want you to take Wednesdays off."

Still me, I assumed I was going to get fired and he reassured me..."Heather, I can tell you are one of those people who will work everyday. We don't want you to burn yourself out. This is a bonus. Take Wednesdays off. And, if I had my way...I'd tell you to work Saturday morning and, then, take off Saturday afternoon and Sunday."

Honestly, I was stunned. I told him, "I'm not used to people noticing how hard I work and giving me a "bonus."

He also told me that the paper looks great. My process needs a little tweaking, but the paper looks great.

I felt such relief. I feel such relief. It's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.

I even took D12 with me into the main office today. I worked late last night and felt terrible about her long day. She went with me to for an interview where I met the town historian. Later, in the main office, she was able to go through issues of my paper from 1945. I gave her an assignment to look for a few things. As she looked, she could listen to the police scanner and the other reporters working on the daily. I think it was a pretty cool hour or so for her.

No one was upset with me for bringing her in.

I feel relief today and gratitude...especially after last week.

[LoisB]

And, the first I thing I thought..."I can't wait to tell Job." :-)

[Matt165]

Hi Heather!
Just got a chance to catch up with your thread after losing my internet. Sorry to hear about what happened at the camp. I remember how freaked you were about that kid and knew that he was trouble! I also totally agree with you about some of the posts you referred to. Several months ago I got dumped on the same way as Gwen (by a couple of the same people) and it almost made me stop coming to the forum! Luckily I had some really great people advise me to just let it go and I'm grateful that I listened.

So glad to hear that things are going well at the paper. We all know you are going to rock! I'd love to see an edition some time. Do you have an on-line edition?

[job]

Heather,
The hard work pays off and I do agree w/the editor...you will get burned out working seven days a week. Wednesdays off gives you a day to get some errands completed that you can't do on the weekend and it's a nice break in the middle of the week.

Keep up the good work and you just may find an increase in your paycheck before too long.

Look at the glass half full and continue to stay positive. Okay?

[beatrice]

Heather - you are doing so well - and very glad it is recognised.

It is so wonderful when we finally move on - I think in your case getting away from your old home and the community was necessary.

Keep up the good work.

[LoisB]

Thanks guys.

I've made my daily list of stuff I need to get done.

I decided to take it easy today. I guess that yesterday made me realize how stressed and hard I've been pushing myself.

I'm home with D12 today and looking at some stuff I've neglected because I've been so focused on the job.

Yesterday, my editor told me that I can create a work week that works for me. In whatever form that takes...I think they are worried I'm going to burn out.

Now that I know I can handle this job...I'm regrouping today. I need to look at my bank account, D12's homeschooling and make a plan/take action for next week's issue. I plan on taking things calm and cool today. I spent the morning listening to Gospel. That always pulls me back to serenity.

The best thing is...I feel confident I'm capable of handling this job and I feel that things will fall into place as long as I continue keeping the focus on God first, my own sanity and the girls.

[LoisB]

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