The Argument Clinic

[LoisB]

Goals:

1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!

Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494686&page=1

[LoisB]

It’s not safe yet. That’s what this anxiety is...Life feels all topsy-turvy because I haven’t found my comfort zone yet.
Ya know, I think when you live with someone lost in drug addiction for as long as I did...you sorta retreat to this place of safety. If there isn’t a place of safety, you create your own makeshift one.
Our house, my old life was my safety net. When Smokey pulled one of his stunts, I would clean house, I would take a nap, I would make things nice at home in order to feel safe. I feel out there right now...vulnerable to the big bad world. Raw.
All those walls I carefully built for 20+ years. Those walls are gone now and I’m exposed. In a stunning turnaround, I’m the one in the driver’s seat. Instead of my accustomed dodging bullets, I’m firing a few shots of my own.
And, Smokey is so completely irrelevant. I’ve given this man so much power over the years. I was beaten into submission. Now, I am seeing his weakness and general inability to handle life.
And, honestly, I think I may be a bit more nervous about succeeding than failing. I’m accustomed to being on guard...as you can see with Smokey’s initial reaction to our leaving. That’s what life was like with Smokey. You had to always prepare yourself for the next insane, hurtful thing he would do. Hypervigilant.
And, it wasn’t just Smokey, it was my mom, my dad, my inlaws, my stepdad...there was an army of people who always seemed to expect me to fail and rarely gave me the benefit of the doubt. I can’t remember a time in my adult life that I didn’t feel worried or vigilant about how someone would perceive something I did, said, felt, whatever...
This new normal for me...is, well, a lil too normal. Freakishly so.
Yesterday, D12 said the saddest, most revealing thing. She was talking about how her dad had sent this random text. And, the girls began discussing his visits...when he did still visit them. D20 said, “Dad is so scared of me. He didn’t text me this week because I think he is still scared of me.”
I just nodded.
D12, then, said, “Well, I told him the truth too. I stood up to him. Remember?”
She went on, “When he came over and, all of sudden, decided to take me to lunch. Remember that? I knew something was up. Dad doesn’t take me to lunch. Then, I figured out how he, really, intended to take me to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I knew something was wrong. Dad just doesn’t do nice things for no reason.”
“That’s when I put a stop to it and told him, ‘No, I’m not going anywhere.’”
I think we were stuck in a much more abusive situation than even I realized. Now, that we’re out, I’m feeling shaky. Maybe a bit of PostTraumatic...IDK. I’m seeing that I’m a bit paranoid about the people I’m working with...reacting to me like Smokey. That someone will zero in one fault of mine, one mis-step, one fumble and it will all come tumbling down.
Perfect example...this morning, I was at my new office at 9 a.m. I met the maintenance guys there. It’s about an hour drive from our home to my new office...roughly 45 minutes. So, I get there at 9 a.m. I purchased a counter for the new office (an old drafting table-we are going to fix up)--well, the maintenance guys were earlier than I expected and went over to the flea market without me. I panicked. I felt like I had failed somehow. I didn’t, but that’s how it felt. Then, the flea market woman wasn’t there and they could’t pick up the table. Again, not my doing...but, again, I felt I had failed. I bought the guys donuts for making the trip. They laughed and said, “We aren’t used to this. Usually, we’re just told what to do and no one offers to help us.”
So, they had no expectations of me being/doing anything and they were cool with the fact that things just turned out the way they did. That’s life.
I’m accustomed, however, to having people watch my every move and wait for me to screw up. That’s what I’m used to. Change is hard...even when you are changing from something abusive to something less so...God is taking care of me. HE is taking care of the girls. We will be ok.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, I sent this text. I know, I know...save it for the atty...but, I’ll be damned if I spend ore money on this B.S.
Anyway...so, I waited 48 hours.

Me: When the barn roof needed repaired, I had it fixed. When the girls couldn’t swim in the pond, I bought a new aerator and had it treated. When I discovered the block on the riding mower was cracked, I push mowed and I saved up for a new push mower. Instead of wasting more time and money...if the house is messy, clean it. If the yard needs mowed. Mow it.

That’s all I said.

Ok...so Smokey’s response is one for the MLC Books...

Smokey: What about the cat ?

[LoisB]

BAHAHHAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!! :-)

I think that response pretty much puts things into perspective. What the hell am I scared of?

Oh, and my atty sent me this email yesterday afternoon.
“I received your 9 emails. Please call the office to discuss.”
WTF??

[Shining]

Heather,

First, you friggin' rock. Look at you, living life, kicking arse and taking names. I know it doesn't feel like it to you yet, and it's scary, all this new responsibility.

You are not under the microscope like before. That's something to celebrate. You own this. You got this. You may not see it yet, and you will stumble along the way like the rest of us. But you do.

Personally, I think sometimes the simple, direct, no bs straightforward actions like your text can be a good thing. I understand in D, the strategy behind not showing your hand to your opponent, and only speaking through L. Like my sitch, if we're not talking billions in assets and custody stuff...just getting it done can be best sometimes.

Ok.....the cat comment??? Seriously. How hard did your head hit the wall on that one....

Sounds like a few other wackadoos I know.

[LoisB]

Shining,

I can't stop laughing! This man sent his 12-year-old daughter a b'day card with a pic of her dead cat on the front! It's like the movie Airplane...so bad it's funny. :-)

[Lifes Twists]

Shinning,

Text back to him,"Look for it."

[job]

OMG! He still asking about the cat? Isn't this the one that died? I would be sorely tempted to respond back...what about the cat? He's got tunnel vision and can't go off the of the cat. Was this a special cat that he liked or what?

See, you are too hard on yourself. The men were appreciative of your gesture of kindness this morning. Believe it or not, they won't forget that and most likely will be more than willing to assist you again if you need help.

Don't allow your h to rattle your cage. You are a strong woman and are out from under his thumb now and can live your life the way you want to.

[ericmsant2]

Man Heather…I blink and you’ve started another thread 

I’ve given this man so much power over the years. I was beaten into submission.

The more you think about this….the more you just may get really really angry, which IMO is good. As long as you find a way to constructively process the anger and not hurl it back at him.

And, honestly, I think I may be a bit more nervous about succeeding than failing.

Totally normal. Guess what….. once you face that fear…you will be better.

And, it wasn’t just Smokey, it was my mom, my dad, my inlaws, my stepdad...there was an army of people who always seemed to expect me to fail and rarely gave me the benefit of the doubt. I can’t remember a time in my adult life that I didn’t feel worried or vigilant about how someone would perceive something I did, said, felt, whatever...

Yes they all had a role….just do not lose sight of the fact that YOU did too. I guess my point is…do not fall into the victim mentality. Realize you did the best you knew how at the time. You now know better…so you will do better.

I’m seeing that I’m a bit paranoid about the people I’m working with...reacting to me like Smokey. That someone will zero in one fault of mine, one mis-step, one fumble and it will all come tumbling down.

Heather…you were in an abusive R. The feelings you have are all normal..at least IMO. What I think may help…is accepting that these feelings will linger for a while. As my therapist once said to me, Eric your “abandonment” issue do not just go away. Nope. It is not anything that you can “fix”….that said…now that you are aware of them…you can deal with it. So I guess that is the same advice I would give you. You were abused on some level, your confidence shot to h*ll. I do not think you can change it overnight. What you can change is how YOU LOOK and DEAL with it. ACCEPT and remind yourself that you are learning who you really are outside of an abusive R. Take your time, take chance. Do not be afraid to make mistakes – we all do. Just learn from them.

Ok. So, I sent this text.

Still attached on some level huh….when you finally stop looking for a sane and reasonable response….when you finally say…I do not care….that is Heather…is when the real healing begins.

Heather…one request…

You are a strong woman and are out from under his thumb now and can live your life the way you want to.

I would like you to say this ^^^^ out loud to yourself….20 times, 4 times a day.

Peace,
Eric

[Matt165]

Heather I think you should cross stitch the cat question and hang it up on the wall next to a "Home Sweet Home" one. Might be a good hobby for your younger D! I can see it now when people come visit and ask about the "What About The Cat?" saying on the wall. It's too funny for words!!