I am really struggling and have been trying to find a place for advice and support. Some forums on the internet are strictly for standers and some seem to consist of only the bitter and angry. Here is my situation:
Married 25 years. 2 daughters ages 16(high school) and 19(university). Thought we had a great marriage full of love, respect and honesty until the last 5 years. Husband has always had a stressful job but the economy and his industry escalated things. Laid off for almost a year 5 years ago then found a job at a start up. It was great for a couple of years until the economy tanked.
Of course around this time we just started coping with stress and kids and money by doing what we thought we should but not putting each other first. We moved my mother close by and then a couple of years later she was diagnosed with cancer. We moved her into our home and she died. Hubby had a near fatal car accident and saw another man die. Commute got worse. Pay cuts and stress. Daughter went to college. It was truly that time in life when you are vulnerable. Hubby took up running. I supported him because I am that kind of person. Now this is the part where I was so naive...
A twice divorced female "friend" at work started to get even closer. She preyed on our family. Coming to the door and letting our daughter answer because they were going running in a group. She reported to him and we would take her out to Christmas lunch with her other co-worker. I look back and I was so completely deluded. For almost 25 years I trusted this man. I loved him and I believed him and I respected him.
At the beginning of the year husband announced his company was dying and he must find a job anywhere in the country. I would stay behind until our youngest graduated. I was sad but supportive. 2 months later the other woman left the state to live with her boyfriend. We even took her to a going away lunch and have a picture. I was relieved that that flirtation woman was gone. 2 months after that husband received 2 job offers (yay!) --- one was cross country and one was 500 miles away. He insisted on the cross country position. I prayed and realized it was time to choose my marriage so I said it was time to talk about all of us moving. That was BD - The I need some time to go on a journey, ILYBINILWY...
I tried to get us to a counselor but we only had time for one meeting. We met with a priest and he swore he was still a practicing Catholic. We went to Mass every wee. He was checked out. It was all lies to placate me and I had no idea. I worried he was depressed, suicidal - I was so scared for him. He said our anniversary was "just another day". He left emotionless with a weird hodge podge of junk. He left most everything behind.
He rarely texts his children and only called me once because he wanted to trade in the car. I tried to initiate some contact but he ignored most efforts. I refused to trade in the car because it made no business sense. He was angry. It was an awful time. The worst of my life but then one night around week 7 I finally received the cell phone logs. Hours and hours and hours of calls and texts. Like a teen. Very creepy and disrespectful. Over 2 hours on on our silver anniversary. Ignoring our children's birthday. I confronted him and he said he has had "hard times and she's his best friend" - That's it.
It was so odd and disturbing these half conversations with one or two talking points. No real complete sentences and odd half truths like a politician. Scary to have to decipher. I hung up sad and confused. Later that night I received a gift. He tried to change his email password and the idiot forgot the family email is the recovery address. That's when I discovered the proof and the plan. He planned to take a job in the neighboring state from OW. It was dated 3 weeks before he left.
I was patient. I contacted an attorney and had separation papers drawn up. I waited 6 weeks and then one day he texts me. He was considering interviewing for a job 1300 miles closer to us. He asked if I told the girls. Told them what? The crazy train had to be stopped. I told him we know about her. He said "what, we're friends" then "sorry" and then finally "I am not going to beg" - when I asked beg for what he wouldn't answer. No empathy just indignation. I kept the conversation short and said he could not have a relationship with both of us. I sent him a neutral email full of empathy but simply stating love and redemption come in many forms. I told him I would not forsake our marriage. I left things open ended. I waited 10 days and absolutely no reply. I had the separation papers sent on day 11.
He is supposed to respond to my attorney by tomorrow. He continues to talk with her every morning and every night. She is the only person he talks too other than an elderly aunt. It is sad, tragic and strange. My girls have not heard his voice almost 4 months. He doesn't contact any of us since discovery. I went NC since confronting him last month. He still chooses OW every day.
I want a legal separation so I can GAL. I need to move on and work on me right now. Our daughters need to see me being independent. I love him but this man is a stranger am I giving up? Distance and time are making me think he just wants out. I deserve honesty but I am not getting anything. Our children need me to be strong and move forward.
Is it too late for anything except self preservation??
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the board, and I'm sorry you're here. I saw that you came over to the MLC board from Newcomers, per Wonka's suggestion. She's a smart one, that Wonka.
Have you read DR and DB books yet? I couldn't find whether you had answered the other posters.
I agree with the others who have answered, it is never too late. There are instances where people have gone as far as mediation and backed out, and worked toward reconciliation. Also, couples who have gone through with D, and still end up reconciling later.
The main thing for you to do, is to safely tuck away the M for now. You can revisit that later. Take this gift of time, and focus on you. After a while, you will begin to see the importance of this.
If you can be as open and honest as possible, you will receive and benefit from the most valuable advice. People here have been there, and really get it, where family and friends typically do not.
Learning about ow hurts like he!!. I know. I wish I didn't have to know. I learned early on that having attention on ow was pointless. It really helped me grow to move beyond that. The reality is, she is a bandaid. The less focus you can put on ow and H, the better. I know it's hard, especially on the beginning.
I'm glad to read you are already focused on GAL, and recognizing the needs of your kids. That will take you far. Also, glad to read you are looking into legal steps to protect yourself financially. MLC can wreck havoc on the finances, and many here can attest to the devastation it can cause.
And no, being S doesn't mean you are giving up. You can always have hope. You can never go back to the old R. That didn't work. You would need to create a new R going forward.
Your H is on his own journey right now. By default, you are on a journey of your own. The hope is that he returns whole, and you can decide about your R then. Gwen, you love him. Being S doesn't change that. He is in crisis. You love him enough to let him go for now, and keep living your life.
Can you describe what some of the complaints your H had about you? This is difficult, but important.
I think perhaps the biggest issue was more situational. Every morning he drove an hour north and I drove south. We put the kids ahead of our marriage and now I see how harmful that was to the relationship. The OW just swooped right in and I didn't have a chance to compete. Work slowed down and there she was feeding his ego while I was texting things like "Did you feed the dog?" I was naive and complacent.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Shining is right. Focus on you at this time. Your H is the one missing out on your girls lives, you should cherish what you have and grow those relationships as well as yourself.
We all know and understand what you are going through. Read the books and the advice Cadet sent you. Vent here and allow us to help you keep that hope because it is not too late!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I have been reading quite a bit (thanks Cadet) and have started the divorce remedy. Since my husband has physically moved almost 2000 miles away my fear is that he will just forget we exist. I need a formal separation to protect what little remains of our finances. I have been a SAHM for 20 years and he always thought it added to our family life. Now I must have some sort of protection as I try to reinvent myself at 49. I am not mad but incredibly sad. He left me in an untenable situation. I look like a villain but he won't respond to me at all. He is running towards this woman. I mean he only talks to her and it is first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It frightens me for him.
Now that I am pushing a formal separation they have a common enemy - me. Luckily the state I live in has a 12 month separation requirement so he would have to initiate a D. Also in the separation papers I tried to make it more painful for him if he filed by requiring him to pay me more $ for health insurance. I am not trying to be greedy but I want to buy time for me to get on my feet and for him to try to get better. I just never thought after 25 years....the man I married doesn't exist.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Gwen! First, sorry you had to come to this place. There are great people here that will really help but still, stinks that you need them.
As for your H and your M, just know you are not alone. Most of us here thought the same way you did. We loved, cherished and trusted our S's. Just remember...you didn't break him and you can't fix him. As you search for "answers" as to why this has happened try and remember that most of the time it doesn't matter if you were a great W or not, your H has issues that he is trying to work through that most likely have very little to do with you or your M. Try and use this time to work on you and protect your family as best you can. We're all on your side so you're never alone!
Thanks Matt for your encouragement. I guess I just need to take care of the business side of things and then get to work on the emotional side of things. In some ways it is like my husband vanished and that makes it easier but it also makes it worse. What if he forgets about us?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I am sorry you find yourself here. I can relate to your sitch as others can here too. I think a very important thing to realize is that this is a long, arduous ride. You will be in it for awhile. The best thing you can do is focus on you and your girls. Read up, too! I know you have, but at different stages, reread, because they have different meanings at different times.
You sound like a strong woman. You seem like you are taking good first steps. We are here for you. Post often to get it out.
Take care of you, Gwen. That is so important. You are on a road to discovery. It's tough, but valuable. Keep your head up and find the humor in things. It helps.
Mighty, I find the irony in everything. It is ironic that he will not talk to me or respond to my neutral email in over a month or even acknowledge a read receipt request when my attorney sent the separation agreement but yet he "likes" the 8 second video I posted on FB of the kids.
I believe he is only capable of gazing at them on FB and it is causing so much damage and destruction. I can't reach this man and after 25 years we are reduced to FB. That is a sad slice of irony.
Sorry just still processing and accepting things.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
