So, MCS, you can decide whether you take every discovery as another cut, or accept that she checked out and made the truth fit all the lies she had to tell you to hide the big one.
Yeah, my issue why her lying is not so much with the R, but what situations it seemed as if she has put the children in. When I was trying to confirm OM, I saw a text message that made me really concerned about what was going on with the kids when they were with her. Its really what made me lose the trust in her with the kids. She has repeatedly denied that anything happened, even though it was pretty explicit in what they texted to each other.
We've tried to start and build back that trust in counseling, the MC told her that my main issue right now with her is that she is not looking out emotionally for the kids. Hers is that she feels emotionally unsafe with me.
We've been trying to work on that trust by initiating more communication between us about the kids. I've held onto the thought that she's been honest to me when we actually did talk, but know that she wasn't openly offering information. However, I asked about this message and she has denied it multiple times. If she's lying to my face, I would probably not trust her again about that message and that's where it would probably set me back, I would get much more Papa Bear trying to protect the kids emotions.
Last edited by MCS; 11/14/1405:14 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I don't know what behaviors she has, but you've got to make the difference between what you want to control and what really hurts the children. I think my W is doing a few things wrong with the kids, but it's down to different parenting styles. She's starting to pay the price, but I'm not stepping in. Yes, my kids might be worse off in certain cases, but I'm not a perfect dad either. And I don't want her to meddle or criticize me. There are tons of parents out there and we do our best. Sometimes it means dropping them off for long hours, feeding them cookies for lunch, skipping bath time, coming down too hard on them, etc. I know I'm easily irritated when someone questions my parenting style. And some people become very self-righteous when it comes to children, as if nothing short of perfection is acceptable because... THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Again, only you know what your limits are and you know better what she does. Believe none of what she says, half of what you see. But think real hard about what would happen if you don't step in (is it really that bad?), and whether you're not trying to control her with this excuse. Remember it because it may be taking you further away from offering what's the best for your kids: a united household.
And I also can't wait to see what are the differences that 25yearsmlc sees in our WAWs. I'd add though that I've neglected my W's emotions big time too. See here: she's articulate and open and I shut her down. Also, see a list of reasons why she left me. It was a month ago and my thinking has evolved a little, mostly to encompass her official reasons.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I agree with you on the balance and that's why I was scared that I would regress based on if she's lying to me. I'm having such a hard time trying to figure out is it truly "good for the kids" or "try and keep things going in our R."
My IC counselor got me to admit a week or so ago that some of my criticism about the kids was my attempt to keep control of the situation. I think she actually saw the 2x4 come hit me in the head. I'm sure for them, that's when they get their most satisfaction in their jobs. I was telling her some stuff about what the W was doing, stopped for about thirty seconds and then started to tear up and said "I understand what I'm doing." Sandi2 and 25years among others have the uncanny ability to do that also
Since then, I have let things pass that would get me all stirred up when this first happened. Its pretty different than the parenting style we had together for the kids, but I wonder if that is another area that she felt was my way in the R and not hers.
At counseling this week, it let us start to talk about boundaries and communication between her and I for the kids w/o me just providing examples of things I didn't like as I did earlier in the S.
I think it's one of the 180's that I didn't identify initially. "Providing input/criticism/solutions/etc. into situations that I don't need to." This is the one that I need to work on the hardest, though. I constantly struggle with it.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So off topic really, but something I've been getting some peer pressure on and don't know how I feel.
My SIL and a Friend (both A-type personality women, like my W)have just recently been trying to convince me to take my ring off when seeing the W. I'm sure this is as controversial as dating during S.
Hers has been sitting on her dresser since before she left (she still hasn't come to get really any of her things.)One of our first times meeting up after S, she had a ring on a different finger. I asked what was that and she said it was her grandmother's wedding ring, she's never worn that before.
They both had similar explanations saying it will show that I'm not a sure thing/easy landing. I'm just not sure how I feel about it.
For me, the ring and our M is not just between her and I. It was a vow between us and God. What we are experiencing right now is the 'worse' in the vows. Early on in our S before DB, I asked her what happened to our commitment to each other. Her response: "I thought about that...and it all was a joke" Now, this is not my W at all, we are both religious and she even said prior to leaving that God was giving her the strength to do this.
Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole taking it off thing, but looking for some opinions...
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I took off the ring after she left home, 9 days after BD. It pains me and I miss it. I resist the urge to put it back on, just for a minute. I don't even look at it. My wife never worn hers consistently: it's one of many rings for her. I can't even say I noticed, but I guess she wasn't wearing it for weeks before the BD.
I think your biggest task is the reconciliation. Do what works. I suspect it's better to take off the ring because, on your finger it means, "I'm trying to woo you back", something we're trying not to repeat constantly. Then again, let's see what others have to say.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Do what YOU want to do about the ring. Wear it if you feel like wearing it. Don't wear it if you don't feel like wearing it. But don't let anyone dictate on whether or not you wear it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
That's the thing, I don't know how I feel about it.
Maybe it's because I lost weight and its a little loose, but after 11 years of not really noticing it was there during the day; it's almost like I'm much more in tune with it there. I find myself spinning it when I get nervous, I only did that the first year or so of marriage. I find I realize much more when it hits things. It's almost like its lost being comfortable. I find myself just staring at it sometimes.
I don't know, I would never think something like this would play with my mind before this all happened, it almost sounds corny. I've never been a symbolic person, I don't know if It will make me feel better or worse. I don't know if I'm realizing it more now because it's giving me hope or reminding me of my despair. I'm a mess right now even thinking about it. Does that make any sense!?
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS I read your thread. Rings: more important than they look I think in some cases. Rings are a universal symbol of commitment. Commitment made publicly to another. Removing a ring says something to the world.
Once I decided to stand for my marriage then I made a deliberate decision to hold my ring on my finger, much as I occasionally grit my teeth and want to take it off. I keep it on, to me it is a statement that I am standing.
If I ever need to take it off, then it is kept very safe. I love my ring, it is my continuing symbol of love. I want no drama, on, off, on , off. This ring stays where it is, I am not that easy to drive away. Just giving my 2 cents. Regards Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/15/1401:11 PM. Reason: Spelling
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
its staying on for now, I thought about it a lot last night and I feel it's still there because I'm still committed to our vows. Just a personal feeling, Im not trying to judge anyone else.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS This isn't about judgement at all. We do what is best for each of us, rings are symbols. When my first H died I wore my ring and his for a long time. Taking them off symbolised my readiness to become single again. If that makes sense.
Joy and rest Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
