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Yeah, not celebrating the anniversary, but it's on my mind.

She cancelled taking the kids out for Halloween in the neighborhood, so I took them out and she picked them up later in the evening. Not sure what to think of that. When she did have get the kids, she couldn't get out of here quick enough. She still won't come in the house and as soon as the kids walked outside, she put them in the car and left. I didn't even get a chance to give her their coats.

It seems like she thinks I am done with the M. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I did tell her the other week that I'm done emotionally trying one sided to save it. but said I still wanted to try and make our M work. She said she was confused. Last night, I said I needed her to sign something (it was a rebate check.) She said she would need a few days to read over it. I said "no you don't" picking up that she thought it might be a separation agreement (she already sent me a draft that we agreed I wouldn't sign w/o significant changes) and I went in to get it and came out and she was gone.

I definitely see a change since she doesn't know where I stand, but it seems like she's much more fearful/uncertain right now. Is that good or bad?


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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Posts: 18,666
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If you told her as recently as last week that you still wanted to save the M, then don't you think she knows all she needs to do is say something?

She is confused. She is running b/c she doesn't want to deal with the reality. Going inside the house is painful, so she refuses to go in. She calls off the kid's fun event b/c she is withdrawn into her own darkness.

She knows you prefer to save the M but will not stand in her way to D/LS. That is a good thing. It was not a bad thing to let her know you were emotionally done. It told her she has gone the limit with you. The next move is up to her......and realizes it.

Yes, she needs help. I pray she will reach out for it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2,

Thanks for the reassurance. It's so hard taking a step back on some off these areas. I'm a "fixer," and it seemed as if we had found the problem in our discussions and it stinks seeing that it seems to have went backwards. I need to realize that I caught her by surprise when I said I knew what was going on and I think it took a few days for her to put her guard back up.

So, the birthday party went okay. I tried to help out as much as I could. It was weird, because it almost felt at times like everything was back to normal. Although we didn't talk too much, it was nice to both be focusing on the kids. Our kids had a blast which was good, they've been through so much. I was a wreck afterwards as my kids said good bye and they're going to miss me.

Next step, counselling again this week. Our big issue right now is the kids. There's a bunch of stuff I found out that definitely shows she's not thinking of the kids and how they feel emotionally. I guess she did walk out on all of us, so that shouldn't be a surprise. I'm struggling with how to strike a balance with their stability in this situation now that I don't trust my wife myself. They need to see her, but she feels entitled to an even 50/50 split. Like I said, my problem is it seems like she's only looking out for herself right now. I've been their stability since she walked out and I'm very concerned for the kids as they are too young to really let us know what they feel is best for them.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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Not trying to mind-read, but is it normal that someone that has been covering up an affair (EA then PA) in the marriage has an increased level of paranoia/fear of their spouse?

I ask because at counselling today, the counsellor talked with me first and said for some reason my W feels threatened by me. He said he wasn't even sure why, I seemed like an open, honest person. Also I've heard after she left that she said that she felt emotionally unsafe with me. I initially attributed that to filling that need with her EA and not me.

Now I understand all of the 180's and I took the unsafe thing to heart because I had trouble just listening and would try to solve problems (my 180) and we actually had long emotional conversations after the S, but I have never heard anyone ever mention that those are traits of mine other than her. In fact its always been the opposite that people say that I'm much more emotionally in-tune than most men and I'm a super easy-going guy. Even folks that are closest to our marriage over the years feel the same way about me before and after the S. I understand its all about how she perceives it, but I'm not even sure what to change.

I look back at the last couple months and I can't see many times that anything I did could even been misconstrued as threatening. The worst thing that I think I did was say to her I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for custody, since I was so confused on how she's been treating the kids. I clarified a little today in counselling and it seems like she felt more comfortable about my position, but I'm not sure.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
She calls off the kid's fun event b/c she is withdrawn into her own darkness.


Sandi2,

You were spot on here. We talked about this today, its pretty close to what she said. For her it was more avoidance of an emotionally difficult situation.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
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MCS,


Not to upset you, but be aware that some wayward wives bent on divorce will sometimes tip the tables to make you look like a bully or abuser so they can gain custody, bar you from your residence, all kinds of things.

I know it's hard to conceive that your wife might actually do this to you, but trust me, most of us here are pretty shocked at how callously and selfishly our spouses have behaved. Do not trust in her good judgement or former concern for you at this time.

Protect yourself:
Be absolutely SURE you do not feed this impression with anyone at any time.

Oh, and they project their qualities onto you. So if she is hiding things, she'll accuse you of being suspicious and not trusting her, if she feels intense anger, you are threatening HER. If she is lying, then you're a liar. She's hurting you, so you're hurting her.

It makes no sense, except to them, and it's very common.

Hang in there.

--(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Yeah, that was one of my first thoughts when all of this happened. when she left, she wouldn't tell me where she was living. When that came up at our first counselling session, she said that there was never any violence, abuse and she fully trusted me with our kids since she walked out without them. However, She said that she closed out her heart for me.

The couple weeks before she left, she started bad mouthing me with our friends. However it was that I never help at home, always want to be intimate, etc. This threw our friends for a loop, because they never heard her complain and knew us well enough to know it was taken to an extreme.

Anyway, I don't know of anyone that would agree with her about this. So I don't think she's trying to use it against me, I was just wondering if this feeling is something normal for WAS that have covered up a long term affair. I do look back and when this all started, I had no clue about the OM. How our conversation escalated during the argument that started the downfall, I think she thought I knew what was going on and I was trying to get her to confess. The first night I asked her what was going on the last month or two, she seemed distant, she said she was checking out of the M, but we resolved that night. Next night, I said it didn't seem like the night before everything got resolved and there had to be some deeper issue with our marriage. And so on, because it didn't seem like what she was telling me led her to say she was checking out. At a certain point, I think she realized I was clueless and made the decision to leave instead of telling me about what was going on.

I've even talked with her family and they are just as confused about this whole situation. I think like you said it is her projecting her feelings on me.

Last edited by MCS; 11/05/14 12:00 AM.

M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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MCS, she will badmouth you and say whatever she has to in order to justify in her head her behavior. Don't take it personally. She is suffering from alien abduction when it comes to her personality, like they all do. It's typical, sad to say.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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I heard that. Absolute insanity.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
MCS, she will badmouth you and say whatever she has to in order to justify in her head her behavior. Don't take it personally.


Ahoy,

Yeah, I'm trying to chalk this up to "believe nothing that they say". However, I was just trying to analyze to see if I could make sure my approach to DB is not doing more harm than good. After I detached just a couple weeks ago, I've been approaching this situation by making sure she understands that I still want to work on the M, but really starting to present her with the realities of being separated. She spent a couple months totally NC with anyone that knows her and has frankly ignored any of the business side of being separated; kids, money, housing, bills, etc. I took care of most of that at first.

The first piece was the kids and trying to figure out short and long term plans. She pretty much regressed when we started talking about that and it took her a couple weeks to start actually discussing plans without threatening me.

This week, I approached the whole money thing; we still have a joint checking account for all of our bills. She already took half our savings w/o asking me. So I finally took the remaining out. I said to her that since she left, I've had to transfer money into our checking account to cover the add'l expenses each month and I'm concerned about how to sustain my/our bills. She said that she would be paying some of the house bills and I asked where she would get the extra money for her house when she moves since we already split the bills down the middle. She looked pretty shocked that may be an issue and it became apparent that she hadn't thought about it.

Anyway, I was trying to see if this approach of working on the "business side" of separation is bolstering her "feeling" of being threatened or will help her face some of the reality of the situation. I think its the latter, but I'll have to wait a couple weeks and see the results.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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