Actually, it was a little different than that, although I understand your point. At our first counseling appointment set up about 2 weeks in by my wife (through the county court.) The C asked how they found out about that service. My wife thought it was a mediator and said that her lawyer suggested to contact the group. At that point the C looked at me and asked if I had a lawyer by which I replied, yes.
I've been through DR and half of DB. I'm just not quite sure how to set boundaries w/o having any contact with her. I know anything with OM will force her into denial if I don't tip my hand that I know.
Boundaries I'd like to set are: Calendar for the Kids No big purchases (kids say she's looking at getting a house) No OM interacting with the kids
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
This is a tough one, hang in there bud. I can feel for the uncertainty and the kids at that age. My W did stay home but was playing with the idea of a trial separation. Hasn't come to pass, and I think my 180's have gotten her attention, but apparently my judgment was so poor prior to this that I don't trust any of my instincts now.
Only things that have helped me have been the focus on me and the kids. Started exercising to help expel the poison. When you can, take the kids for short walks and to the park, things like that. Look at your shortcomings and fix them, permanently. Do it for you and the kids as your W may or may not come around. The only person you can control is you. Control you.
And avoid Snooping. That has been a killer for me and I'm doing better. Tired of the anxiety and weight loss it causes.
Good luck and God bless.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
We'll its been a rollercoaster again, no posts as I have been trying to get my head straight. I was ready to confront her about OM the other day when I got a draft separation agreement and she let me know she bought a house. Well, she didn't think that one through that we didn't have anything formal in place, so its my house too. Anyway, I confronted her about what really was going on and over the next few days, she began opening up slowly on what has happened. She's saying its much more of an EA than a PA and its done because he's not interested in taking it further. I'm not positive that's fully the truth, but it doesn't matter. She agreed to MC, but said it was to rebuild trust and not to work on the R.
Anyway, she had a lot of actions that I thought were her showing that she was ready to reconcile. Such as letting her friends know what was going on, actually talking to me about how she feels, etc. We talked about 2 hours each day and she then asked if she could spend time with the kids that weekend (first weekend I had the kids since she left.) I said sure and we scheduled something together as a family each day. On the second day, she said she had written something down and wanted to discuss it with me. When she talked to me it was just how this was all my fault (again) and this friendship with him would not end. I realized at that point she was not ready and I became pretty angry because both me and the kids all thought she was looking at coming back. Nothing over the top from an anger stadpoint, just she knew I wasn't pleased and I said some things that definitely didn't validate how she feels. Then the next time we would talk, it seemed as if we would start talking in depth again, just to have her deny she wants to work on anything later. We went to the MC seperatly at first and she pretty much got me to agree to week on week off for the kids and then the MC said she wasn't interested in reconciling. That made me blow up again, because it felt like she is using me by giving me hope and then using that to get what she wants.
Later that night, I then pushed too far and said I wasn't really sure what I want to arrange with the kids permanently and also said we should all sit down with the OM and his GF to talk everything over. I guess, I was fishing to see if it was really done. For the kids, she expected joint 50/50, but she is not really taking them into account at all right now. After I said I wasn't sure what I wanted, she then stopped talking to me and only wanted to talk via email or counselling after she said she talked to her lawyer. She also cancelled plans to go out for my D's B-day since the kids were with her that day. She eventually let me take her out to lunch, which I think was a good gesture on her part.
After the roller coaster that last couple days, I said that I still wanted to work on our M, but couldn't do it w/o her. (I know this isn't completely true) At that point, it feels like two things have happened: I've finally started to detach myself and it seems to have put her on her heels a little bit about me not being a doormat.
She came back to counselling yesterday and the MC focused us just on the kids. It was definitely a better conversation than the last MC and its the first time I've seen her more open about some of her uncertainty in her decisions outside of just talking directly to me. I'm reading into it by her body language because she didn't say "I'm not sure" but had said it over the weekend. I think its good progress, I guess.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
She's saying its much more of an EA than a PA and its done because he's not interested in taking it further.
That's like her saying they slept together and she is still emotionally connected to him. It really doesn't matter if he is not interested in taking things further. What matters is she's hooked on him.
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She agreed to MC, but said it was to rebuild trust and not to work on the R.
How does she propose to rebuild trust when she chooses to continue in betraying you?
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Later that night, I then pushed too far and said I wasn't really sure what I want to arrange with the kids permanently and also said we should all sit down with the OM and his GF to talk everything over.
LOL! I wonder how much, if anything, OM's GF knows? OM may be feeding her the same ole story of they are "just friends" and he's trying to support her during her troubled M.
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When she talked to me it was just how this was all my fault (again) and this friendship with him would not end.
So in other words, she has told you that she chooses another man (friend or not) over her H. Now, if this was a female friend, would that make sense for a W to put her girl friend over her own H? Of course not! Any woman in her right mind would tell the friend, "Sorry, but my H and my M is more important than anything else". So she has given you the truer picture by telling you her so-called friendship with OM will not end. You see where you are ranked in her life.
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I think its good progress, I guess.
I must be blind.
IMO, you need to completely back away from her and don't try to "win her back". Move forward with your life and learn to be happy without her. When she gets tired of being OM's left overs, she may begin to crawl out of her waywardness, IDK. But until then, I don't think there is any formula for you, except to drop the rope. Then, in time, if she wants to reconcile.....and if you still want her, the two of you can go to MC to piece the M back together again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was trying to catch up on two weeks of stuff so I left my interpretation out of the writeup. I had the same reaction as you on most of those specific points. I think I understand her emotions better than she does herself right now. That may have been an underlying issue in our marriage now that I think about it.
When we were talking after I confronted her, I'd ask her a question and it was almost like she would be surprised that I may understand how she was feeling. Its actually kind of sad. The only person that knew what she was going through that she was getting advice from was the OM and that was him giving her advice in front of his GF. No conflicts there!! She says he's talked to his GF about what happened, but I'm guessing the truth never actually came out because I'm sure the GF would cut the two of them off of the friendship.
Anyway, I hated to confront her with this because I am pretty much the wrong person to do it, but no one else was. The first thing I told her to do was go and come clean with her best friends, because even they were in the dark (I had confirmation of that) and they would be there for her. She did that after the first day, so that's why I was initially encouraged about reconciliation until she said she still wanted to be friends with him. Once she said that, I then asked if she was still in love with him and she seemed surprised because she never said that to me and then paused for a while and said something like "I'm not sure, I need to think about that." It doesn't take a therapist to realize that when you say to your H that it wasn't going to work because he wouldn't leave his GF that there's not something pretty strong going on there. I then reiterated that I'm willing to try and make our M work, but not with him in the middle and I didn't mean just physically.
It stinks that she hasn't been to IC, because she obviously needs it. She said she's been trying to schedule and will start this week. Its almost like her and I can still connect on an emotional level and we had some good conversations that I feel like she's being honest about how she feels, but then she ignores it when she's not around me. She then builds up her wall again. At least, that's how I feel.
As far as saying that its good progress; before I confronted her she dropped the kids off at friends houses, has came into the house once and never directly interfaced with me for 8 weeks. After I told her I knew, we talked about 2 hours a day for 5 days and are going to MC, even though its for the kids right now (we didn't even discuss their schedule w/o a person in the middle before)
Anyway as I said, it seems like whether she realizes it or not she was using me emotionally to get what she wanted with the kids. Once I figured that out, I dropped the rope and it is liberating. I seem to be able to think much clearer now and able to set boundaries. I now see that with the kids, she is more interested in protecting herself from jeopardizing custody than truly what she thinks is best for them. That's sad and I've called her out on it a couple times. I think even the MC realizes it, but has yet to interject.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thank you, I'm sure it will have its ups and downs. I had a couple of friends even say I look a whole lot better before I had said what has happened over the last couple days. I didn't think I'd ever be able to detach, but everyone has their limits...
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
PMA is starting to falter a little. It's going to be a tough weekend. W coming over tomorrow for Halloween with the kids. Saturday is our Anniversary and Sunday we have a B-day party for D.
I'm not sure what to do about the party. She planned it all without me, a part of me wants to see if she needs anything for it, but I think I just need to keep my distance right now.
Our conversations the other week are still wearing on me. It seemed like we were connecting about the R and her discussing her feelings but I look back and it was all in response to me asking questions. Then the next day, it was like it never happened and she was back to being convinced she wants out. It's almost like she has no one to confide in other than me. I wonder if it's just cake eating. IDK.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
As soon as she realizes she doesn't get to have "you" without the M, or family events without the M, the better for all of you.
My opinion is to get through tonight and the BD party best you can. Do not celebrate a wedding anniversary with a wayward wife. After D's birthday, better plan to have separate holiday plans, to give her a picture of how divorce looks. Otherwise, why would she think anything family-wise will change? Logically, one would know.....but she's not thinking logically.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
