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I've been reading posts for a while, but figured I would create my own thread since I appear to be at a crossroads and don't know what to do. Here's my situation:

In the middle of August, we were having a normal Sunday. We had a small /discussion argument over being intimate. I asked her what was wrong as it seemed like she was a little distant over the last month and she had the BD "I think i'm checking out of the marriage" It appeared that we resolved it that night by promising to spend more time together in the evenings and more date nights. The next day, it still didn't sit right for me and I asked her why she felt that way and she said "In order for me to tell you, I had to be ready to leave." This got me spun back up more and I tried to get to the bottom of our issues, the next day it got worse and I got the IDLY in the morning. At night it seemed as if we started to make progress again and then she went out to talk to a friend. The next day, we said we would meet up and talk about it, but she didn't want to. She said one of us needed to leave.

I was going to leave at first because I thought it would just be a cooling down period, but then I realized that I was trying to work on it and it seemed like she wasn't considering S5 and D3 in her actions. I said that I would move to a guest room or the basement until we could work all of the logistics out and she said no that she would leave.

Fast forward and basically she disappeared for a week, and then I heard that she had gotten an apartment, but didn't want me to know where it was. She then started using friends to talk with me, drop off the kids at friends house, not participate in any of my son's school functions, etc. This has went on for about 2 months. We did go to three counseling sessions to talk about plans for the kids (she didn't want to discuss the R,) and at the later two she talked about it anyway. One was herself, the other was pushed by the MC. She started to drop the kids off at the house during that time, but then she sent me a message that she would just drop off and pick up the kids at school/daycare and she cancelled counseling. We have not set up any plans for the kids, but have de facto been doing the week with me, weekend with her.

Anyway, I suspected an EA with a coworker after the first week or so which was at least one sided, because I knew he was a good friend of hers that she was emotionally connected to him, but at the time I didn't think anything of it and then everyone started asking if there was somebody else when she just walked out w/o kids, clothes, etc. The more I've looked and talked to others I'm 95% positive there is a PA. They've went o travel for training together, two people have asked if they are a couple when they saw them in public (with our kids) and I have an unexplained internet review of a hotel room from her in July that never showed up on her credit card.

My issues are that he's still in a relationship as far as I know and both of them are the 'friends' helping her through this. She hasn't really discussed anything with any of her good friends or family, except maybe her best friend. However, most of the people I talk to are thinking that there's something going on with this guy. It seems as if she has just tried to turn off her old life. She hasn't gotten her stuff from the house, won't answer my texts (even about the kids,) won't go anywhere that I am. For me, I've read DR and part of DB. I've done some 180's myself, I'm having tons of trouble detaching and pretty much have had NC since the first couple days.

I guess my question is I don't know if I should confront her with the suspected A, especially because the kids talk about them spending time w/ him. He has a young kid also and I think she'll just say they are friends, but I'm not sure. I'm also not sure how to put any boundaries on what's going on since we are pretty much NC. I think this week I'm going to put a Calendar together for the kids.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Well, already an update. I found a text message confirming all of this between her and the OM. There is a PA. Worst part was that it looks like he had his GF watch our kids so they could meet up. Ugh. I still am willing to work on our R, but I don't know what to do now.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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MCS Offline OP
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I've got a call into the lawyer to see if there's anything good or bad legally about confronting her. We are in a zero-fault state, but I'm worried this may impact custody one way or the other. Basically, she has been checking out of the kid's lives also.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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MCS Offline OP
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Trying to keep my initial postings as quick as possible so I get out of moderation.

One other thing is after our first counseling session, when I uncovered that I had already spoke to a lawyer; she approached me in the parking lot and said "I'm not pursuing anything with the lawyer."


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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MCS, talking to a L was one of the best things that I have done. (I talked to two, actually.) It answered a lot of questions I had, and helped me set aside some fears. I'm not taking any legal action, but the knowledge was really helpful.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Okay out of moderation, here's some background on where I see some of the issues in our marriage:

-Her sense of "individuality" especially since the kids were born (her words)
-Her trying to do too many things outside of the house caused conflict (my words)
-I'm a homebody and normally would like to stay home w/family instead of running around
-She felt that I was controlling (her words.) I can see that to an extent because of the things above, but it never seemed to be over the top.
-She would avoid confrontational topics and would make plans w/o me then ask if it were okay (this was the biggest warning sign)
-We got complacent (work, eat, kids, bedtimes, tv most days)and stopped spending quality time for our marriage
-Workshare at home. We both had importance on different things
-Some professional competition. We are both in the same industry and we had different satisfaction levels with our jobs. Mine good, hers bad.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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MCS Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
MCS, talking to a L was one of the best things that I have done. (I talked to two, actually.)


Yeah, I already had the initial consultation when I discovered she lawyered up after the first week. She admitted it was because she thought she could lose the kids due to abandonment. My lawyer just said to make sure that I don't give up leverage. So now I'm not sure if confronting her will do that.


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
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Hi, MCS. Welcome, and I'm sorry you're here.

Standing for your marriage is not for the faint of heart. You will receive the best advice here. The more open and honest you can be about yourself, the better.

First of all, I would not confront your W about the OM, at least for now. You can always choose to play that card later. Once it's been played, it can't be un-played, and you lose the choice.

Depending on your sitch, especially if it turns out to be MLC, any attention or energy given to the OM/OW is not likely to produce a desired result of her "waking up" and seeing the error of her ways. Even worse, it can send her running deeper toward that person, since in her mind, you aren't hearing her. Thus, tightening their bond.

Relationships based on lies and deceit are destined to fail. Let it die it's own natural death.

You are in the company of some very wise people. Have you read DR and DB books? This forum is based on the principles outlined there. You will understand far more after reading those.

Hang in there, MCS.

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Originally Posted By: MCS
Trying to keep my initial postings as quick as possible so I get out of moderation.

One other thing is after our first counseling session, when I uncovered that I had already spoke to a lawyer; she approached me in the parking lot and said "I'm not pursuing anything with the lawyer."


Why on earth would you tell her that you've met with a lawyer?? There's a reason they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties, MCS. Ours is -- by design -- an adversarial legal system, and it's foolish to tip your hand.

Meet with a good family law attorney, yes -- that's wise. To better learn your rights and responsibilities, etc. Then, armed with knowledge, you DB and GAL while you set strong boundaries. But TELLING her you're meeting with an atty is just "nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah" childishness at best, and foolish at worst.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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