I think my last thread is locked, so starting anew.
Not much to report. Radio silence from H this week. Ditto from me, since I'm in NC mode. He left town without specifying what day and when he would pick up D14 (D14 had to text him to figure it out). Trying to stay detached and not care. Some days are harder than others.
In other news, I rocked the banjo in church today. Also, a really nice guy from one of my meetup groups who has been telling me about the crazy chocolates he makes (white chocolate wasabi with black lava salt) is making me a special box of chocolates, which he's bringing to the next meetup. Don't worry, I'm not dating or planning to date, but it's nice to have interest, and a possible new friend -- and chocolate, of course.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, how are you doing with the consistency of detachment? From the outside it sounds like you're doing great. I have been on a roller coaster of detachment. 3-4 days I feel ready for anything, then I'll have one thought and fall off the rails.
I'm jealous of the chocolate...
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
raliced, Maybe one day our paths will cross and we can celebrate getting through this rough patch while listening to some awesome polka! (And yes, banjo is my new obsession -- I also play cello, guitar, uke, fiddle, and theremin -- in varying degrees of amateur-ness.)
Card, I wish I could say I was consistent with the detachment. Some days I do really well, other days I manage to sink into a deep funk. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I get so down, because, all in all, everything is okay. I'm doing fine on my own, just mourning the idea of the marriage and not being able to provide my daughter with the family experience I had growing up with married parents. So I'm sad about the loss of illusion. But life does go on, and years down the road this will have just been another chapter in my life. There will be others, and I'm excited about the new people and experiences that await me. And I'm not going to sit around waiting to find them either!
I will wait to see how things evolve with H, I will be patient, but I am just choosing not to hop aboard his crazy train. I have my own train to guide.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm not even sure why I get so down, because, all in all, everything is okay. I'm doing fine on my own, just mourning the idea of the marriage and not being able to provide my daughter with the family experience I had growing up with married parents. So I'm sad about the loss of illusion. But life does go on, and years down the road this will have just been another chapter in my life.
I think it's completely ok to mourn and grieve the loss. I'm sad over the loss of my wife. It's almost like a death but strangely worse.
I admire your strength, courage, and insight, Ahoy.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, that was short-lived. After dropping off D14's boyfriend I had to drive by H's street to get to the restaurant where we went to eat and his car was there. Um. He's supposed to be out of town, which is why he asked me to keep D14 another night. So my mind goes to the idea that he has OW at his place and chooses to spend time with her over D14, and also lies to my face (I know this should not surprise me -- I know he is lying and having an affair -- I deserve honesty, right?) Also, it is hurtful to D14. I didn't even look for his car as we drove by -- D14 noticed it on her own.
ARGH!!!!
I am angry.
At the same time, what a jerk -- why would I want to be with someone like that!?
He is a liar and a cheat.
I am ready for January so I can be done with him. We can have a nice cheap dissolution, and I can thank the OW for "taking out the trash."
Good riddance!!!!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, did he fly out of town? Any possibility he got a ride to the airport or any possibility he's in a rental car. Any chance he is in fact out of town and his car is still here?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Ahoy. He's having an affair...but maybe he's out of town in OW car?
I know; it's relative. And only you can know when you are truly ready for it to be over.
Your protective mama instinct is in overdrive! I know that my W's selfish actions really only overwhelm me now when I think about how many people are being affected. And she's (just) having an emotional affair.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
It's entirely possible that he got a ride to the airport and left truck behind. BUT even though he told me he was going out of town, he didn't say anything about it to D14, even when she texted a direct question about it to him. So I think he doesn't want to lie to her, but of course is more than willing to lie to me.
You're right though -- it's irrelevant because he's having an affair, either way, I'm sure.
Whatever. I really need to detach and not care. He makes it easy to hate him!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, I get caught up in this trap myself where I get so angry because I need to detach.
The the WAS's mind (or a least mine) the relationship was over the moment they decided it was in their own head. So anything they do after that is not wrong. We view the situation completely differently and therefore view all of it as being against the M and this is how the self torment starts. I'm guilty as charged. And man, I get set off quick by stuff like this too.
Hang in there and detach.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm actually more angry because of my daughter now being suspicious and wondering why he's not communicated (he has not responded to her texts today at all). She spent an hour crying in my arms this evening. I validated, told her that I'm sorry if by me being upset if I had upset her. Told her that she should not feel like she is in the middle or has to choose sides. That she doesn't have to like H's decisions but that it should not interfere with her love for him, because this has nothing to do with her. She is upset at the speed at which he moved out. It was a fast and big change for her, and she is still upset by it.
She says she cries every night.
I know I was upset earlier when she pointed out that she had seen his car. I'm sure she could tell I was miffed and upset. I need to be better at keeping my emotions in check -- something I told her I would work on. But that I'm also human, and I have emotions and sometimes fail. But I will try to be better and help her with her own emotions too.
So painful to watch her struggle through this.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I also told her that we should give H the benefit of the doubt - he might have gotten a ride to airport, and his new iPhone might not be working properly.
It's a stretch, but whatever. It could be true. I hope it is, for her sake.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I know I was upset earlier when she pointed out that she had seen his car. I'm sure she could tell I was miffed and upset. I need to be better at keeping my emotions in check -- something I told her I would work on. But that I'm also human, and I have emotions and sometimes fail. But I will try to be better and help her with her own emotions too.
So painful to watch her struggle through this.
You said it yourself - you're human, Ahoy. I dunno, I don't know the perfect thing to do in this situation, or even the right thins, and heaven knows I've been reading reams about this and there seem to be a lot of opinions. I think there would be an issue with showing no emotions. Might not that seem to them that we don't really care about the demise of the marriage, or that we're some sort of Stepford Mom? I don't think them seeing us greive or get angry once in awhile is a problem - its becomes an issue if we become consumed by these emotions and they define our daily lives.
I know this space that you're in, we're your pretty postive about the affair, but the details are still vague. I still waffle about whether or not my H is living with his OW. It's a lot worse than not just knowing for sure.
Ahoy, please check out the 5LL of Teenagers book. It's a big help to me right now, especially because my SS15 isn't talking much, but when he does, it's pretty snippy.
Your D is at an age when crying for a good spell is actually normal, but add in the sitch with your H, and those feelings just can't stop pouring out.
I'm behind you over here, so keep standing. Lean into us whenever you need to.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Thank you, Shakspr. BTW, nice to have so many good TX men on this board. I'm a TX gal, though living in another state now. Would love to move back once this nonsense is over to be closer to family.
I will definitely check out the 5LL of Teenagers. I should really be focusing all of my energy on making things okay for her as best I can, since there's nothing much I can do about anything else at the moment. I think I'll take a field trip to the library today.
Can I just say -- I find it so embarrassing to be that woman who is always checking out self-help books from the library? I know it is ridiculous to feel this way. After all, help is help, and I certainly need it.
Last edited by Ahoy; 10/13/1401:13 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Shouldn't find it embarrassing should be thinking that all the reading of these self help books will make you and all of us that read them amazing people . I find that when you start talking to people about the 5LL it seems yo hit home and then next thing they are going on date nights with there partners etc so some good does come out of it as does all the advice from the wonderfull people on this forum.
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
Thanks for the book rec, I'm going to check that one out too.
Ahoy, I'm very grateful for the self-serve check out at my library.
I tried to do the 5LL quiz with my H before he moved out but the message he gave me was that nothing I did mattered to him. He didn't need anything, he said.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
"Can I just say -- I find it so embarrassing to be that woman who is always checking out self-help books from the library? I know it is ridiculous to feel this way. After all, help is help, and I certainly need it."
Why would you feel that way? The people around you should sit up and take notice to the gal that is willing to do anything to make herself better, even at the expense of feeling embarrassed at the library. Hold your head up and be proud when you walk out with these books!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Ahoy, I've had crazy emotional swings from reading into something and my WAW is not even in an A. So I don't blame you for your reaction. But you can choose to keep working on it. Each reaction or setback is a drop in a bucket. Don't focus on the drops, focus on the leak. Maybe until you have a better handle on emotions, choose a driving route that is not within eyesight of his house? Just a suggestion.
Detachment has to be so much harder for you since your D14 is there. She should not be expected to detach from her dad, and she also should expect to be able to confide in you. That's a really tough sitch for you. But even though it is brutal, there is one simple question: To DB or not to DB?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I ordered the book from the library (they didn't have it on hand), so I feel as if I have at least accomplished that!
I guess there's no point in exploring H's LLs until he is ready to come around? (We are S and I'm in NC, so not many opportunities to fill tank, although I try to be unrelentingly positive when he does come around.) I can work on affirmation (one of his LL, I think), but I don't know about touch (one of his others). I don't feel right initiating physical contact with him because: 1. we haven't touched in months, 2. he creeps me out right now and I don't want to touch him, and 3. he did, after all, ask for his space.
Maybe I can just get by on affirmation for the time being.
Card, you are right -- I have to find a different driving route. Even though it wasn't intentional snooping, it had the same negative consequences for me. Now I see why no snooping is a good policy. Honestly, it's for my own sanity.
The one good thing to come from yesterday's mess was that D14 was able to open up to me, and now I see how much more I need to make her the focus of my efforts. Hence the library trip.
Thanks to you all for the encouragement. I'm starting to feel a bit better and redirected, but H is supposed to drop by later to pick up D14's things to take to his place, and I can feel the dread rising...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey Ahoy, one thing I've heard about LL during NC is that you can still demonstrate those changes by giving hem to others. Since you have a D this is perfect.
For example, my STBX's LL is gifts/acts of service. Particularly with things that involve thought and consideration. So I can do things for my children that demonstrate those changes. I recently took them on a boat ride and the captain of the ship gave each of them a silver dollar. They thought that was great. I knew if I let them keep them they would just get lost or spent, so I scooped them up. I'm going to get a picture of them in the boat and have it framed with the silver dollars underneath. Still working on the details but the point is that it will show I am capable of meeting those types of needs. Much more importantly I will be doing something special and memorable for my children, and growing personally in my ability to share the love in my heart.
How can you show physical affection to your D in ways that may be noticed? Give her long hugs when you first see her? Book an appointment at a spa and both get a massage that she can't help but talking about? Put you arm around her or ruffle her hair more often when you're just sitting together?
Give it some thought. Make the changes for you and those you care about. If your H gets jealous that's just gravy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for the great advice, Zeus. My D14 and I are already very cuddly, so I don't know if that will do the trick -- I can definitely affirm her more, which is something I want to do more anyway, but finding a way to do it in front of someone I see erratically and not for very long usually is difficult to do. But I will try!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Can you give him interesting news about one of her accomplishments at the hand off? You do see him occasionally in her presence. I know that if my mom had said anything like "You should have seen the great outfit she put together the other day, it really showed her creativity/personality/eye for color" to another person that I would have been glowing for a week.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I guess there's no point in exploring H's LLs until he is ready to come around? (We are S and I'm in NC, so not many opportunities to fill tank, although I try to be unrelentingly positive when he does come around.)
I, and my DB coach disagree. You know your spouse better than you think. Take the quiz and answer the way that you know he would answer. Don't think too hard - use your gut. Hear his voice in your head.
And when the opportunity arises, use it. I had success on at least two occasions defusing a fight and encouraging forward progress (that my W then backed away from, hard). These instances create memories that the WAS has a hard time reconciling with his/her internal dialogue about you.
Squash that dread. You are actually doing work, growing, improving. It's your H with his head up his arse. (Middle English intentional)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
BIG NEWS. H called to ask me to have coffee this morning. We do and he admits to "seeing someone." He says it's not fair to me to continue to stay married. I tell him that I decide what is or is not fair. I tell him that we can proceed with filing for dissolution in January and in the meantime we can start exploring the steps required to do so. I tell him that if things change in the meantime I would still be willing to see what is possible.
He cried a lot. I did not. At all. He is such a disaster that I am actually relieved to be done with him. Who wants to be with someone who has no idea who he is or what he wants.
I am done. I feel good about it. Moving on.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Well, I guess all the suspicions have been confirmed. While you are handling this with poise and dignity, I know its hard to actually hear those words from someone that you loved and trusted.
FWIW, I read your posts, and I think about all the adversity you have been through and I think - "She's going to come out of this just fine".
I assume this will affect D14 as well and I am sorry for that- very tough for a 14 year old girl to lose respect for her Dad. I know you have the strength to help her through it.
Thank you guys. I'm definitely on the roller coaster. Trying to figure out what to do for the future. I really want to return to my home state but not sure how to make that happen with D14 and everything else. I know I don't have to solve these problems all at once, but my wheels are spinning...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Trying to figure out what to do for the future. I really want to return to my home state but not sure how to make that happen with D14 and everything else. I know I don't have to solve these problems all at once, but my wheels are spinning...
You don't have to think about these problems all at once, much less solve them. That's exhausting. Personally, I've had to break all of my problems into little segments and I focus on one at a time (which is a little odd because at work I'm the queen of multi-tasking, but I guess I'm not so emotionally invested there). I think realizing what a mess your husband is at the moment makes the roller coaster move super fast - so be prepared and take extra good care of yourself.
Hi ahoy. Sorry to hear your news. Deal with as. best you can. You handled the situation fantastic. I feel proud and I don't even know you. Do t do anything rash. You have time. Take care
Thanks for that -- it all feels very overwhelming at the moment.
I know that some folks on this forum have recovered their Ms at the last moment, even after initiating D. But I can't see that happening. I guess I a feel in my heart that this is over. He is too confused, don't see any hope, and doesn't know who he is -- and of course is "seeing someone else." I am glad for the clarity, as hard as it was to hear. I feel strong in some ways, and eviscerated in others.
It's scary to think of all the changes coming down the pipeline.
I wish I could fast-forward to see how it all turns out.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You've handled it like a champ but I'm sorry you were with someone that made those choices. My thoughts are that you shouldn't allow your STBX's behavior post BD to alter the path you are on.
1) Do let go and accept your new life. Don't burn bridges or date others. There is a tendency to want to end limbo by doing that and justifying it with their WAS actions, but that wouldn't be true to YOUR character. Demonstrate in yourself the character you wished he had displayed.
2) Do continue to improve yourself and remain focused on your opportunities for growth that were uncovered in the M. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking he was just a bad apple and its all on him. That would deprive you of a chance to improve for future Rs with him, someone else, or on your own.
3) Do set short term goals. Don't be overly controlling about how your life needs to look in 6-12 months if the actions you would have to take would burn bridges, etc.
All in all, only you know when you are truly ready to be done 100%. I think you're strong enough to accept that as a likely reality without contributing to that outcome by doing things to get it over with and feel better short term. Keep DBing in healthy, independent ways. You may feel like you're clinging, missing out, or devaluing yourself in the short term, but looking back you'll know you actually valid yourself too much to let his actions during a MLC or whatever derail you.
Those are my thoughts as I'm in a similar sitch, see my posts from a few weeks ago. I know you know this, wishin you strength, patience, and peace.
Ps- I was talking to my sister the other day about how I don't look at women the same. I told her I no longer find looks attractive, not bubbly personalities, etc. I said 'you want to see a picture of an attractive woman to me???' And I held up a woman's user names on these forums and explained that fighting and waiting for a marriage when all looked lost with patience and compassion was to me was more attractive than any dance hair cut or name brand jeans. Be proud to belong to that club and stay a member!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you, Zeus! I am still a member. I told him I was willing to see what was possible still if he has a change of heart in the meantime, but he does want to go through with the paperwork. Perhaps during that process he will feel differently, but I can't count on that.
I too have reevaluated what I find attractive in a person. Character and values being top of my list now.
I can take that with me moving forward, and the knowledge I've gained over the course of the past 15 years.
My short-term goals: 1. familiarizing myself with the dissolution paperwork and finances, because it will give me peace of mind by feeling prepared. 2. practice compassion toward him, me, and my daughter. 3. not fixate on trying to solve everything at once.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Wow, Ahoy, you are amazing. A total champ. I'm sorry and also relieved you had that conversation with him. It is better to have things out on the table.
Hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks for the encouragement. This feels so final, even though the paperwork has not even begun, and I've seen plenty of examples of folks returning from that point. Even so, I don't think I'll need to act "as if" anymore. The truth is that I am moving on with my life without him. I have to. If he changes his mind, so be it, and I'll deal with it then. But for now, I feel in my heart it is over.
He's been gone for three months, and in another three we could be dissolving the M. I can't believe how quickly everything is changing. I can't believe this is what he wants. I can't believe how lost he is. He is deep in MLC. Says he doesn't know who he is or what he wants, dissatisfied with everything -- me, his job, his art, his family. He admits it may take him a long time to find himself.
I want to be patient. I do. But if he doesn't want the marriage, I'm not going to stand in his way. I need to pursue my peace of mind, and finally knowing what direction we are going does give me that sense.
What irritates me: that he was cake-eating the past few months. Inviting me to do things together (dinners, walks, outings). Honestly, what is the point?
I will see him to discuss paperwork but nothing more.
He is a total waste of my energy at this point.
I plan to focus exclusively on me, D14, and my lovely friends and family. I plan to enjoy my life without him.
Hugs to all of you. It's so good to have you there today.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, I am very inspired reading about your perspective. If waiting in S limbo is not for you, then don't do it. Know that your DB friends will be here with you throughout the coming weeks and months.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi Ahoy. You are increable and you are so strong it's amazing. If I read your posts correctly you still love H very much. I am very far from an expert but if it's ok I would like to give some advice. Please ignore if it's not what you want to hear. Your love for H is obvious in every post. If H is in a MLC ( and it sound like he is) then he is not sure about anything. Please don't act in haste No one has died. If you want to stand then do. If not don't. Time heals and all that and to me and others on here we would love to have someone like you in our lives You will meet someone else but if you want to wait and see if his fog lifts then you wait each path will be tough and to me your H doesn't deserve you but to me his just H. To you he is a friend lover partner and the rest. You love him. Please take your time you have loads of it. Make your decision with a calm mind my W sounds similar to your H and some of her actions are laughable but I'm trying to see if she in inside this new person or if she has evolved into this one. Your pain is felt by all of us on here but only you know your true feelings and even then you must be confused. Take your time. You will be happy again. You will. Take care
Thank you rd500. I'm open to taking time, but he's the one wanting to D. He wants this I think so he can continue to pursue this other woman with a clearer conscience. One thing I did wrong is say that if he was 100% sure he was done with our M then there was no reason not to start educating ourselves about the dissolution process in our state, which we have plans to do later this month. I told him I didn't want to do anything legal at this point, just educating ourselves. He agreed. So I contributed to pushing things forward, which is totally against DB.
At the same time, I felt good about having direction. And I felt okay with releasing him. Do I love him? I don't know.
I loved the person he was. I loved our life and our family. I trusted him and he was my best friend.
All of those things are gone now, though. He is simply not that man anymore, and I don't know what the outcome of his MLC will be. I don't know the kind of man he might become.
But right now he is a man who left out of the blue to have an affair, and to me that is not attractive.
Do I love him?
This man who sat across from me crying in self-pity? Who says he is happy in his new wilderness? Who has no idea who he is?
I don't know. I really don't.
If he drove up my driveway right now and begged to come back, I would hesitate. I would make us take time. I don't know if I could ever trust him again.
Knowing that last part gives me pause.
I know I could encounter the same issues with a new partner. But I know for sure I will encounter them with H.
The limbo has cleared, but the pain remains.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I loved the person he was. I loved our life and our family. I trusted him and he was my best friend.
All of those things are gone now, though. He is simply not that man anymore, and I don't know what the outcome of his MLC will be. I don't know the kind of man he might become.
But right now he is a man who left out of the blue to have an affair, and to me that is not attractive.
Do I love him?
I don't know. I really don't.
Ahoy, I get this. Sometimes I believe I still love H, despite all intelligent evidence that I shouldn't. I do love my family and wish I still had it intact. I do love my life, my house, my neighborhood, my friends. Can I have those if I don't have H? They seem all tied together right now. Do I in fact love HIM? I don't know, either.
Ahoy, I get this. Sometimes I believe I still love H, despite all intelligent evidence that I shouldn't. I do love my family and wish I still had it intact. I do love my life, my house, my neighborhood, my friends. Can I have those if I don't have H? They seem all tied together right now. Do I in fact love HIM? I don't know, either.
I could have written the above statement, as I agree wholeheartedly. For me also is the reasoning in my head that I have come to believe my wife is truly sick. Suffering from an illness that makes some parts of her unattractive at the moment. I'm choosing to stand for now. Who know what I'll do if this is still going on in 8 months.
I can't certainly understand how you feel and the reason behind your decisions. I support you no matter what you choose because, selfishly, I am feeding of your strength. And unselfishly, us LBS's need people in our corner.
Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi ahoy I get your feelings exactly. A fast forward button is what we all need And maybe a rewind to stop this crap from starting in the first place.
When you figure that one out, RD, please let me know because I'll buy 2!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I am totally in your corner. I'm just going to move forward and see what transpires. I do think my H is mentally off balance right now, which is why I was willing to stand for him. But I'm not willing to be in an open marriage and stand by while he has an affair. While I do think that standing by a marriage is serving as a good role model for D14, I also think that standing up for myself and not living in an open marriage are also serving as a good role model for her.
My grandfather left my grandmother back in 1976. They separated but she never granted him a divorce. She stood by him in spite of his many affairs, and paid all of his nursing home costs until he died of Parkinsons in his mid-70s, in 2006. I know what standing looks like. She made her vow and stood by it. I respect her for it, but I know that's not something I could do -- stand for decades without a real relationship. Self-sacrifice to the end. My grandfather lost a lot of respect from his children. My grandmother enjoyed their adoration to the end. This, my friends, is karma.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You're a good woman, Ahoy. Too bad H dosent see it.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Can I just say: Sometimes when I read about everyone's situations on this board, I get so fed up with these WAS. You guys are good people. We all have flaws, but you are all courageous, and that is to be admired. I get mad when I read about these WAS yanking your chains, as mine did.
Sometimes I want to lead a DB revolt, and we all just drop the rope at the same time and be done with these lame losers who are putting us through this. And throw ourselves a great big party somewhere to celebrate our new-found independence.
Just a fantasy -- no need for 2x4s.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy DB or not I think your in a good place. Im no expert but as I spend more and more time reading, researching and sharing I realize that it seems the key to true DB is to first help us heal with the fact it may not work out. once that heals then there can be a change and opening for a return. I am with you on its a shame so many people who although have their issues are good solid people who love their families and want to be whole. The more stories I read the more I see strong people who not only deserve another opportunity, they deserve happiness. Whether someone stays like your grandmother or decides to move forward in life as your contemplating the choice needs to be coming from someone who is confident in themselves. I think you have been put through so much and many ppl on here even a newbie like me can see you have changed and are stronger now than before. I pray that whatever happens you get the life you deserve.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Actually, the perspectives here are strangely healthy. Makes sense, as darn near all DB'n is counter-intuitive. Why do we continue to show unconditional love to our spouses? We certainly don't love who they have become.
We love who they were, and who we know they can be again - especially if we become more complete versions of ourselves.
I don't see any harm in extending simple kindness to the WAS/MLC. Especially when he/she is in an A. And we all clearly hold love in our hearts. But no need to keep making it so clear to them the stark reality between our feelings and theirs.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I see so much pain on these boards sometimes, but I also see some remarkable examples of character, perseverance, and spirituality that it makes my heart burst.
I've done some bad things in my life and in my marriage but I remain willing to own them and change myself to save my family.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Slept great last night and woke up feeling RELIEVED not to be with H anymore. Not to worry on his behalf about all his stresses. Not to have to listen to his rambling stories. Not to have to listen to his endless gripes about life and work when he has it SO GOOD!
I am looking forward to having positive people in my life, whether friends or partners. I am looking forward to moving on. I am embracing the happiness that ALREADY EXISTS inside of me. My joy of life, my love for my friends and family, my ability to serve others and the community. Pursuing the meaningful things in life.
Got two books on divorce/dissolution process in my state from the library. Didn't care a bit what the librarian must have been thinking.
I know studying up on D process is not DB. I'm supposed to stall and let him do all the work to see if he really wants it.
But I'm starting to realize that maybe I want this, for my own sanity. The closure is helpful for me.
Maybe after the D we will reconnect, but I don't really see the need to be legally wed.
My younger sister, who is in a committed relationship, doesn't believe in marriage. (She and her partner don't like the whole "government involvement" aspect in their relationship.)
I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't want to have a legally binding contract to compel someone to stay attached to me. I want to be with someone who chooses me every day, over and over. Maybe that person exists, maybe not.
But for now, I choose myself.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Spent yesterday evening organizing and copying paperwork and reading divorce books from the library. I am a bad DBer, right?
There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself even in the midst of DB. I understand - I spent last night actually thinking about the pleasant aspects of post divorce life.
I am a few weeks ahead of you in the process. What you are describing and going through is EXACTLY what I experienced. You will find a new sense of power, self worth and peace. Run with it. 1) It will make you a better DBer. 2) If you chose to drop the rope it will make it so much easier to move on. I started sleeping and eating better. Started being happier. The stress, anxiety, and fear no longer controls me. I don't think we can totally detach until we reach the point where we are ok with not standing anymore.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
A few weeks ago when I was feeling weak, I looked at my W's FB wall from last fall, when we were at our best of our first 9 years. She said some amazing things about me. She's not the same person 1 year later though
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hey Ahoy, keep up the reading on the divorce/seperation laws in your state. I don't think being prepared makes you a bad DBer.
As for the feeling of being free it will come and go, at least that's how it's been for me. A cute girl will flirt with me at work or I'll have a good night with the boys and feel ok with W leaving. On the other hand some mornings I'll wake up and look over and not see my W in bed beside me and just start to cry. I don't think the hurt will ever leave, it will just become less noticeable over time as fewer and fewer things remind you of your past love.
Anyway sounds like you're in a great place right now, enjoy it. 😄
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
Spent yesterday evening organizing and copying paperwork and reading divorce books from the library. I am a bad DBer, right?
But I feel so independent and FREEEEEEEE....
I'm do wonder if I'm going to crash at some point...
Probably.
Hello Ahoy,
You are here, so how does that make you a bad DBer (and yes, I do understand what you mean)?
Having gone through that phase myself all within five weeks from BD (getting main assets evaluated and dividing them all up on paper, followed by her filing filing the divorce - in what felt like as "warp speed" to me during those five weeks), it is a bit more difficult for me to relate to your feelings of independent and free. Did you not feel like that while in your relationship when all was well, or are you only referring to the current phase?
About crashing at some point: always possible, it happened to me last weekend (four months after BD, three months after divorce papers filed and having applying LRT).
Me:47 W:45 T:18 M:14 No children BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce W filed Divorce: Jul 2014 W moved out: Aug 2014
A few weeks ago when I was feeling weak, I looked at my W's FB wall from last fall, when we were at our best of our first 9 years. She said some amazing things about me. She's not the same person 1 year later though
My wife posted a string of amazing things about me on her FB from Feb - May of this year. Now I'm blocked. Go figure.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I have had a few down moments. However, they are brief and less intense. I cant say you will be the same. All I can tell you is that a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. My eyes are wide open now, no more anxiety. I have been able to laugh. Even noticed I look "younger" in the mirror this morning. I can't tell you what the right decision is. I know it took me a while. I knew for 3 days, in my heart, that I was done. Once that feeling didn't change for 3 days (maybe more) I told a friend, and told WAW that I was done and satisfied that I had given it all I could. That was my best day in 4 months. So far that feeling has lasted.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Hi Ahoy! Good for you! I truly think this DB process can be a way for you to keep your dignity through the experience of separation. Sometimes going through the process we end up realizing that we are better off without the WAS. Perhaps we work hard and do the best we can and yet the WAS still isn't interested. No matter what it isn't a failure. You tried, you looked inside, and if you can't stay married then you can't.
I think it is admirable that you are standing up for yourself and doing what you think is best for your own happiness and sanity. And you are right, the legal piece of paper is not what is important. You can always reunite without it, or not.
Good luck and I hope the happy feelings continue! Life is full of possibilities!
B-V2, to answer your question, I feel free of him and his craziness, his neediness, his lying, cheating, and overall lack of character. It's a relief not to be tethered to someone like that.
When we were together, I know he loved me. He has had some neurological difficulties this year, which started with seizures and now is treated by medication that affects his moods. I think this set him off into a midlife crisis, and now he's overturning his universe. If he showed any interest in working on things with me, I would do it. But he doesn't, so I get to wash my hands of this crazy person.
All-- I have a question/dilemma. On Tuesday, when H told me he was "seeing someone," I told him that D14 was very suspicious that that he needed to clear the air with her by telling her the truth that he was indeed seeing someone. H agreed and said he would keep it "general." Last night I took D14 to an event and when we were driving back to H's place, I asked her, "Did you talk to your dad?" (She said she wanted to open up to him more.) She said, "I told him I didn't want him dating anyone right now." I said, "So he told you he's seeing someone." She said, "He is?"
I had TOLD H that I didn't want to be the one responsible for sharing this information, and I guess I should have been more careful when questioning D14, but I assumed from her answer, and from H's reassurance, that he was going to have this conversation with her. So now D14 is mad at H, and it's my fault (in his view.)
I called him as soon as I got home to apologize and explain how I had misunderstood what he meant when he said he would be honest with her (!). He was mad and said that he didn't intend to share his private life with her. In other words, he plans to continue dating and keep it secret, in spite of the fact that she has asked him not to. I personally could care less whether he dates or not. I am SO done with him. But it kills me that he thinks it's okay to lie to our D14 and sneak around. Whatever.
The bottom line is: this is someone I never want to be with again. NEVER. There is nothing at all attractive to me about him. NOTHING. He is just not the man he used to be.
It drives me crazy reading the posts above about how people can go from loving, positive, caring spouses -- posting nice things of FB, etc. -- and then suddenly turn into these narcissistic aliens. I'm not wasting any time on him anymore. Life is too short. I will act with compassion toward him during the dissolution process and while we sort things out for D14, but that is all.
Angry today, obviously.
Last edited by Ahoy; 10/18/1401:04 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, sorry it's turned out like this with your D14. I can totally see something like that happening with my kids. My H's proposed answer to all questions is "it's none of your business". But I won't lie to a direct question so if I end up telling them things instead of him then that's his choice.
Okay -- forgot to ask my question. How much should a 14-year-old be told. I think she deserves a soft version of the truth because she already has suspicions that are driving her nuts. And she needs to understand that H has moved on and we are not getting back together.
I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."
If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."
Of course, I have no control over what he does or doesn't say. I'm just wondering, what is appropriate? Need advice!
Also, H said that if D14 asked me questions about his situation, I should defer her to him to ask him directly. That's fine, except I know he'll be lying to her. Sigh.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ugh- Sorry for your daughter Ahoy. And I wouldn't feel bad about inadvertantly letting the cat ut of the bag. Your daughter is a smart girl and your husband is nota smart guy at the moment and she would have figured it out pretty quickly. From all you've written, it sounds like she had her suspicions too and probably didn't want to believe it.
I struggle with the craziness thing as I'm sure my H is depressed, which is a "sickness" after all. But they still had some free will in there.
I'd say "Hang in There"- but it sounds like you're doing pretty well.
Okay -- forgot to ask my question. How much should a 14-year-old be told. I think she deserves a soft version of the truth because she already has suspicions that are driving her nuts. And she needs to understand that H has moved on and we are not getting back together.
I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."
If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."
Alas - you know you can't make him say anything smart or appropriate. I would try approaching it as emphasizing that you are not planning on dating for awhile for all the sensible reasons that have previously been discussed here, but that you can't speak for her Dad, and that he mightnot feel the ame way about it.
I would like him to say, "I have been unhappy since January, and I am seeing someone else to see if I might be happier. It doesn't change how I feel about you, or my love for you."
If he insist on dating against her wishes, I think he should say, "I know you've stated that you're not ready to see me dating right now, but this is an important part of my personal growth, and I'll make sure that it doesn't affect you."
Ahoy, IMO, you gotta let this go. If he was capable of speaking about the situation correctly he would be capable of handling his marriage vows correctly. Rppfl is right. All you can do is lovingly be there for your daughter to pick up the pieces and remember that he's choosing to damage their relationship, not you.
I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock. The daughter is wanting to leave with her daddy and hes being a selfish a$$ and just breaks her heart and all mom can do is sit and wait to comfort her little girl.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thanks for the advice, guys. I will let it go. I need to let H sort this out with her and just be there for D14 and her emotional needs. So sad for her. And for me, to be honest.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I am struggling with this mightily right now. Trying to help WAW and s13 puts me right in the middle and could end up making me the bad guy, just like it did you with your H. Let him figure it out, support your daughter and monitor the situation from a distance.
Lots of good advice lately in this thread!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
H called to ask for family dinner to discuss D14's abuse of technology and parameters for handling her boyfriend when he's around. The issues are all at his house (no surprise). I said yes only because it's for D14. Then he gets mad at me again for the other night's communication with D14. He was also mad that we had seen his car when he was supposed to be "out of town" (but was hosting OW for the long weekend). I told him I would not have driven down his street en route to somewhere else had I known 1. that he had a girlfriend, and 2. that he lied about being out of town. He's mad at me, but he is the one lying. He's just embarrassed to be caught. Instead of owning up to his mistakes, he gets defensive and lashes out. So unattractive.
Immediately afterward I started to question if we are really going to be able to get through a dissolution rather than divorce, which takes a lot more one-on-one communication and agreement on our parts. We'll hire mediators for the financial stuff, so that should help. I want to choose the path of peace, and jim on this forum shared with me his firsthand experience of a child of divorce. I want to avoid nastiness. I really do. But H is nasty. So nasty.
Also, he got mad at me when I said, "I didn't realize you were hosting your girlfriend." He said I shouldn't call her his girlfriend. He "doesn't want to put labels on things." (Why? guilt and lying about reality of relationship.) I said, "Should I call her your mistress?" Then he hung up. I called back. I said, "I just don't know what to call her -- tell me what to call her and I'll use that vocabulary, but we do need to be able to communicate." Still no terminology recommendations from H, so I think I'll call her moccasin. Why the heck not?
H is so crazy. Moccasin is in for a real treat.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
That's funny- I've always known about OW since BD and I've always called her "your girlfriend" to H as well because I was actually trying to be conciliatory and I thought it was the least perjorative.
Watch out for the defensiveness - it can easily turn to anger and more jerkiness. In light of recent revelations - I asked if H really meant it when he said he was going to help us keep the house and he immediately got defensive (and hostile). How dare I question his integrity? I realized its probably a better tactic to continually thank him for helping (despite the fact that its the decent thing to do, etc).
They feel guilty and then that turns to defensiveness and then to hostility.
I'm concerned as well. For starters H has always placed a huge amount of stock on advice from friends and who knows who is advising him right now? He's already said that the people he has talked to said it was "unavoidable" to use a lawyer- My guess would be some bitter divorcees. So, for the sake of harmony and the kids, I'm just going to have to continually resign myself to being the constant bigger person. Truthfully he could bankrupt us both - so I'll just keep emphasizing the lower cost option.
Thinking of you Ahoy - I hate this for both of us!
tell me what to call her and I'll use that vocabulary
The only person I ever mention H's OW to is my SIL. I have two terms that I use. One is extremely accurate but extremely unflattering and I will not share it here. The other is "the duck". You could borrow that if you decide you don't like "moccasin". ;-)
I have two job offers in a different state for the fall. Really amazing opportunities. It's in my home state, where I have family, friends, and support. My H and I plan to pursue a dissolution in January, and do shared parenting. I think this is the more peaceful, amicable, cheaper, and faster route, but I worry about my possible need to relocate in the future. My H has said he would consider moving to that state if I had an opportunity, but it could just be lip service to keep me from filing for D and pursuing custody. Any advice?
I'm assuming the dissolution is a done deal. I'll keep my mind open, but H shows no signs of wavering, and it's just a couple months away. And frankly, I'm done.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm probably the worst person on these boards to be giving you advice at this exact moment, but I will anyway. I would just consider what's best for you and your daughter and leave STBX out of the equation as much as possible. Unfortunately considering what's best for your daughter will probably involve proximity to your STBX. And of course - uprooting Hisgh Schoolers is supposed to be tough.
That being said- I have to say how grateful I am that if this had to happen, it happened after I had moved back home. Having my parents and my sister's family to lean on has been huge for me and my daughters. I would seriously conisder your home state, but that's me, and I am certainly very biased at the moment.
Thanks raliced. I'm really torn. I may have to be in a situation where one of us gets summers and holidays, and I have to recognize that this person could end up being me if I choose to move. It's not what's best for D14, but having an unemployed mother with no support far from home and a head full of brain tumors that need monitoring is not good either. (My boss will be retiring and with her will likely go my contract job.) Like they say on the planes, you have to put the oxygen mask over yourself first. But I hate the idea of not having my daughter in my life in a more constant way. It's bad enough that I get her only every other week.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm not sure. I guess this is a question for a lawyer. My D14 begs to go back to my home state (where we moved from 4.5 years ago). I think she would want to go, but it would be hard, and I don't want to take her away from her dad and receive her blame later. It's easy to idealize the missing parent. I want what's best for her, but I do have to take care of myself, and I just don't know what would be best.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Happily you dont have to make a decision right away. From everything you've said, I have a hard time envisioning your D living primarily with her Dad either.
Its something for both you and D to think long and hard about.
Ahoy, Unfortunately I am too new to this to have any meaningful advice for you. But, the guy with the chocolates sounds like a great friend that could introduce you to a fulfilling new hobby! All the best.
elletee
Me: 27 W: 23 M: Feb 2014 D: Sept 29 Petition Filed: Oct 18
Hi Ahoy, Does the move have to be forever? The way that you are talking it sounds like once it's done, everything gets negotiated and that's it. I'm wondering if there is a middle ground?
Last edited by ganb8te; 10/22/1411:07 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I don't know, ganb8te. I guess I am thinking in really black-and-white terms. But yes, if I move back to my home state, I would have no reason to move back to be near STBXH. All my work contacts, friends, and family are there. Everyone I love. I don't think I would put myself through the hassle of a short-term move, and there's nowhere else I want or need to be right now.
Of course, we can't predict the future. What if I meet someone new and we have an opportunity to move somewhere amazing? I wouldn't rule it out, but at the same time, I kind of learned my lesson. From now on, I have to put my own needs and my daughter's needs first. But I don't know how to balance the two.
We are looking to dissolve the marriage in January, so things are kind of done in my mind. I know some folks would say otherwise, and some people do have last-minute changes of heart. I don't see it happening in my case because my H is deep in MLC and doesn't want to stay married. And also? I am done with him and actually don't want to be married to him, which makes me a bad DB'er.
I guess the only reason I'm still on this forum is that, unlike H, I'm not willing to throw the M away without at least trying to work together to see what is possible. And if he asks for that, I will certainly try. But in my heart, I have moved on. He is a negative person and a negative force in my life, and life is too short for me to waste much more time on him and his emotional/psychological issues.
I'm feeling free and happy at the moment, in spite of wrestling with what the future might hold.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
From where I am sitting, Ahoy, you sound like you've got a pretty clear idea about what you want to do. I suppose I was wondering if you could do it - move - but be open to moving back should you find that it makes more sense that way e.g. if you get summers and holidays with D14 only? I'm not sure how much you can do upfront to determine the likelihood of that happening?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
From now on, I have to put my own needs and my daughter's needs first. But I don't know how to balance the two.
Ahoy, your D is a HS freshman? She has 3 1/2 years left with you, and then will probably be off on her own, at college perhaps. That's really not that long. I'm not saying ignore yourself for 3 1/2 years, not at all, but realize that the balancing act is short-term. Right now, the balance needs to be skewed towards her well-being, later towards you. Just something to keep in mind as you are making moving decisions.
I think in terms of your daughter's needs- she is old enough to give input about what she wants - but maybe in a month or two - when her feelings about her dad have settled a little bit.
And please- don't stop posting - I for one certainly want to know how you're doing. I feel like maybe I should move my thread to "MLC" or "Surviving Big D" since I feel like my story might be a bit of a downer for actual newcomers.
My D14 is in 8th grade, so she has four more years to go, and my job could evaporate in a year. I'm in a very small niche job with no opportunities in this area. I'm hoping H might not want her during the school year (it's a lot of work, he is discovering); or that he might be amenable to switching after two years; or that he takes her opinion into consideration (she would choose to come with me, I believe). I hate that I'm in this position. I've sacrificed myself over and over again for him the past 15 years, and I may have to start putting myself first. It might not be ideal for D14, but hey, him leaving the family was not ideal ever. He made a choice for his happiness, and now I seriously have to consider making choices for my own future stability. It breaks my heart that our daughter is the one who will have to pay the price.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I wish I had something intelligent to say here. You 3 ladies are going to be inspirational to your daughters no matter what you choose because of your strength and desire to hold on as long and you could. I have no doubt you'll make the right choices.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I feel your pain regarding your daughter. I am attending a DivorceCare group at a local church in my area and they discuss issues involving the children. I have found this group to be of tremendous help during this nightmare. The group follows a set curriculum for 12 weeks. Churches around the country hold these groups. It appears that churches have a session in the fall and then again in the spring.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
My parents split up when I was 14 so maybe I can offer some advice from D14's possible perspective? I would talk to her about your ideas and options. Although it may be scary and is not really a decision a 14yo should make, I think you can discuss it with her.
I would try to phrase it in a calm, rational way showing you are open to her ideas, input and suggestions and that you haven't made any definite decisions. Something like "honey, I've been doing a little thinking about our future and I think my work contract might expire in a year or so. I am thinking about what to do next and it might be a good idea to relocate to home state to find a new job etc. What do you think about that?"
If you let her voice her ideas and concerns it may help you in your decision-making process. As she is still quite young and upset by the actions of her father I would try to have the conversation in the most relaxed and casual manner possible. Just a chit chat over dinner. Nothing definite, just talk. Reassuring her that you prioritize her interests above all else.
And Ahoy, you are not a bad BDer. As Maybell said you are growing and learning from this experience and doing the best you can! And if this process has made you realize that you don't want to be with your H in his current state or that you are simply done with him then that is completely acceptable.
I agree with what Lisa said, but I would add that you can mention to your daughter that nothing that is discussed has to be final for a time, that you just want to hear her thoughts and concerns and that she can come back to add or retract at any time until it's time to actually make plans.
I'm sorry you're in this place but so impressed with your PMA.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much you guys, although I don't deserve the praise for the PMA at the moment, since I'm sobbing semi-uncontrollably for no specific reason. I'm not crying because I want my crazy H back. I'm just grieving. I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much.
Lisa, it's good to have your perspective from the kids' point of view. May I ask: did you parents live far apart? How was it for you?
I think I'll have to wait to talk to D14 until after H and I have dissolved the M because if the lawyers or judge gets wind of a possible move, we won't be allowed to file dissolution, and would have to pursue a more costly and time-consuming divorce, and I don't want to draw this process out over the course of the year (maybe that's where I'm a bad DBer -- not being patient enough).
It's stupid to be crying about stupid jerk of an H. I think I'm still in shock that he's doing this at all.
I'm so grateful to all of you for the support. Just wish you lived close by...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks so much you guys, although I don't deserve the praise for the PMA at the moment, since I'm sobbing semi-uncontrollably for no specific reason. I'm not crying because I want my crazy H back. I'm just grieving. I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much.
Ahoy: Take the praise for the PMA, because you grieving and therefore sobbing semi-uncontrollably this time is all part of our LBS's roller coaster cycle that we have to go through (I had such close to near total bottom cycle two weeks ago for similar reasons. And that is 4 months after my BD date.). And I can so relate to you stating: " I wish I had someone to just hold me and let me cry. I hate this so much. ", I felt exactly that way then too and it is a very lonely moment then. And still: we do pick ourselves up as you did too, and there is much strength in that - see and acknowledge that for yourself. You are strong, Ahoy.
Originally Posted By: Ahoy
... and I don't want to draw this process out over the course of the year (maybe that's where I'm a bad DBer -- not being patient enough).
It's stupid to be crying about stupid jerk of an H. I think I'm still in shock that he's doing this at all.
I'm so grateful to all of you for the support. Just wish you lived close by...
You not wanting to draw out the process, and therefore not wanting to stay in limbo for that particular part, does not make you a bad DBer at all in my eyes. Keep concentrating on you and your daughter!
Me:47 W:45 T:18 M:14 No children BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce W filed Divorce: Jul 2014 W moved out: Aug 2014
Ahoy, I really feel for you. Our timelines are about the same and I have the D train bearing down on me two. I feel the same as you regarding the need for physical reassurance. I would be there for you but I'm too happily married at the moment just like all of us. Lol. Just wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. That's from me!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Hi Ahoy. Don't beat yourself up because your down. Everyone one on This forum loves the WAS to some degree or we wouldn't posting. Most of the stories seem to be along the same lines and whatever the causes or who's fault is was to what ever degree we are the ones who have been left. From what I read of everyone's post not one person seems to be unable to change and become better at an R. I truly believe our WAS will not bet better off without us as partners but that is no conciliation to us. My own W is crying daily and has told kids she is making a huge mistake. She is home everyday and my house has never been so clean BUT she does not seem to want to comeback to me. I can tell from your posts your are a great person and I honestly had a thought to jump on a plane from Dublin to fly over to give you that hug LOL. Joking aside I actually teared up reading your post. Please know that while I have no wisdom for you, I do know what you are going through and it's horrible. Your H is a fool and that's clear for all on here to see. Take care of yourself and your D and one day you will be happy again and I hope it's soon.
Being sad is no bad thing. Grief is perfectly natural - its when we don't let it out or indulge in it its a problem.
Let yourself be sad. Have a good cry. And know that you will be happy again because you're a good person with good things in your life.
Personally I'm accepting the divorce itself because my old M ended the day my W left me for someone else. Doesn't mean I'm not sad and the end of that particular adventure - I'll appreciate the next one more though.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I also have the uncontrollable sobbing episodes that randomly happen and I also would give anything for someone to hold me tightly and say everything will be ok. I have often told people that you have no idea how this feel unless you have gone through it yourself. Rest when you can.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
