standing for me

[rd500]

Hi ahoy. Sorry to hear your news. Deal with as. best you can. You handled the situation fantastic. I feel proud and I don't even know you. Do t do anything rash. You have time. Take care

[Ahoy]

Thanks for that -- it all feels very overwhelming at the moment.

I know that some folks on this forum have recovered their Ms at the last moment, even after initiating D. But I can't see that happening. I guess I a feel in my heart that this is over. He is too confused, don't see any hope, and doesn't know who he is -- and of course is "seeing someone else."
I am glad for the clarity, as hard as it was to hear.
I feel strong in some ways, and eviscerated in others.

It's scary to think of all the changes coming down the pipeline.

I wish I could fast-forward to see how it all turns out.

[Zues126]

You've handled it like a champ but I'm sorry you were with someone that made those choices. My thoughts are that you shouldn't allow your STBX's behavior post BD to alter the path you are on.

1) Do let go and accept your new life. Don't burn bridges or date others. There is a tendency to want to end limbo by doing that and justifying it with their WAS actions, but that wouldn't be true to YOUR character. Demonstrate in yourself the character you wished he had displayed.

2) Do continue to improve yourself and remain focused on your opportunities for growth that were uncovered in the M. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking he was just a bad apple and its all on him. That would deprive you of a chance to improve for future Rs with him, someone else, or on your own.

3) Do set short term goals. Don't be overly controlling about how your life needs to look in 6-12 months if the actions you would have to take would burn bridges, etc.

All in all, only you know when you are truly ready to be done 100%. I think you're strong enough to accept that as a likely reality without contributing to that outcome by doing things to get it over with and feel better short term. Keep DBing in healthy, independent ways. You may feel like you're clinging, missing out, or devaluing yourself in the short term, but looking back you'll know you actually valid yourself too much to let his actions during a MLC or whatever derail you.

Those are my thoughts as I'm in a similar sitch, see my posts from a few weeks ago. I know you know this, wishin you strength, patience, and peace.

Ps- I was talking to my sister the other day about how I don't look at women the same. I told her I no longer find looks attractive, not bubbly personalities, etc. I said 'you want to see a picture of an attractive woman to me???' And I held up a woman's user names on these forums and explained that fighting and waiting for a marriage when all looked lost with patience and compassion was to me was more attractive than any dance hair cut or name brand jeans. Be proud to belong to that club and stay a member!

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Zeus! I am still a member. I told him I was willing to see what was possible still if he has a change of heart in the meantime, but he does want to go through with the paperwork. Perhaps during that process he will feel differently, but I can't count on that.

I too have reevaluated what I find attractive in a person. Character and values being top of my list now.

I can take that with me moving forward, and the knowledge I've gained over the course of the past 15 years.

My short-term goals: 1. familiarizing myself with the dissolution paperwork and finances, because it will give me peace of mind by feeling prepared. 2. practice compassion toward him, me, and my daughter. 3. not fixate on trying to solve everything at once.

[Maybell]

Wow, Ahoy, you are amazing. A total champ. I'm sorry and also relieved you had that conversation with him. It is better to have things out on the table.

Hugs.

[Old Dog]

I rally feel for you Ahoy. I'm sorry the outlook seems so gloomy at the moment.

You are amazing: everyone thinks so and you did handle it so well.

More (((Ahoy)))

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[Ahoy]

Thanks for the encouragement. This feels so final, even though the paperwork has not even begun, and I've seen plenty of examples of folks returning from that point. Even so, I don't think I'll need to act "as if" anymore. The truth is that I am moving on with my life without him. I have to. If he changes his mind, so be it, and I'll deal with it then. But for now, I feel in my heart it is over.

He's been gone for three months, and in another three we could be dissolving the M. I can't believe how quickly everything is changing. I can't believe this is what he wants. I can't believe how lost he is. He is deep in MLC. Says he doesn't know who he is or what he wants, dissatisfied with everything -- me, his job, his art, his family. He admits it may take him a long time to find himself.

I want to be patient. I do. But if he doesn't want the marriage, I'm not going to stand in his way. I need to pursue my peace of mind, and finally knowing what direction we are going does give me that sense.

What irritates me: that he was cake-eating the past few months. Inviting me to do things together (dinners, walks, outings). Honestly, what is the point?

I will see him to discuss paperwork but nothing more.

He is a total waste of my energy at this point.

I plan to focus exclusively on me, D14, and my lovely friends and family. I plan to enjoy my life without him.

Hugs to all of you. It's so good to have you there today.

[1foot2]

So so inspiring ahoy!!

[raliced]

You said it all. Hugs to you.

[Card29]

Ahoy, I am very inspired reading about your perspective. If waiting in S limbo is not for you, then don't do it. Know that your DB friends will be here with you throughout the coming weeks and months.