I ordered the book from the library (they didn't have it on hand), so I feel as if I have at least accomplished that!
I guess there's no point in exploring H's LLs until he is ready to come around? (We are S and I'm in NC, so not many opportunities to fill tank, although I try to be unrelentingly positive when he does come around.) I can work on affirmation (one of his LL, I think), but I don't know about touch (one of his others). I don't feel right initiating physical contact with him because: 1. we haven't touched in months, 2. he creeps me out right now and I don't want to touch him, and 3. he did, after all, ask for his space.
Maybe I can just get by on affirmation for the time being.
Card, you are right -- I have to find a different driving route. Even though it wasn't intentional snooping, it had the same negative consequences for me. Now I see why no snooping is a good policy. Honestly, it's for my own sanity.
The one good thing to come from yesterday's mess was that D14 was able to open up to me, and now I see how much more I need to make her the focus of my efforts. Hence the library trip.
Thanks to you all for the encouragement. I'm starting to feel a bit better and redirected, but H is supposed to drop by later to pick up D14's things to take to his place, and I can feel the dread rising...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey Ahoy, one thing I've heard about LL during NC is that you can still demonstrate those changes by giving hem to others. Since you have a D this is perfect.
For example, my STBX's LL is gifts/acts of service. Particularly with things that involve thought and consideration. So I can do things for my children that demonstrate those changes. I recently took them on a boat ride and the captain of the ship gave each of them a silver dollar. They thought that was great. I knew if I let them keep them they would just get lost or spent, so I scooped them up. I'm going to get a picture of them in the boat and have it framed with the silver dollars underneath. Still working on the details but the point is that it will show I am capable of meeting those types of needs. Much more importantly I will be doing something special and memorable for my children, and growing personally in my ability to share the love in my heart.
How can you show physical affection to your D in ways that may be noticed? Give her long hugs when you first see her? Book an appointment at a spa and both get a massage that she can't help but talking about? Put you arm around her or ruffle her hair more often when you're just sitting together?
Give it some thought. Make the changes for you and those you care about. If your H gets jealous that's just gravy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for the great advice, Zeus. My D14 and I are already very cuddly, so I don't know if that will do the trick -- I can definitely affirm her more, which is something I want to do more anyway, but finding a way to do it in front of someone I see erratically and not for very long usually is difficult to do. But I will try!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Can you give him interesting news about one of her accomplishments at the hand off? You do see him occasionally in her presence. I know that if my mom had said anything like "You should have seen the great outfit she put together the other day, it really showed her creativity/personality/eye for color" to another person that I would have been glowing for a week.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I guess there's no point in exploring H's LLs until he is ready to come around? (We are S and I'm in NC, so not many opportunities to fill tank, although I try to be unrelentingly positive when he does come around.)
I, and my DB coach disagree. You know your spouse better than you think. Take the quiz and answer the way that you know he would answer. Don't think too hard - use your gut. Hear his voice in your head.
And when the opportunity arises, use it. I had success on at least two occasions defusing a fight and encouraging forward progress (that my W then backed away from, hard). These instances create memories that the WAS has a hard time reconciling with his/her internal dialogue about you.
Squash that dread. You are actually doing work, growing, improving. It's your H with his head up his arse. (Middle English intentional)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
BIG NEWS. H called to ask me to have coffee this morning. We do and he admits to "seeing someone." He says it's not fair to me to continue to stay married. I tell him that I decide what is or is not fair. I tell him that we can proceed with filing for dissolution in January and in the meantime we can start exploring the steps required to do so. I tell him that if things change in the meantime I would still be willing to see what is possible.
He cried a lot. I did not. At all. He is such a disaster that I am actually relieved to be done with him. Who wants to be with someone who has no idea who he is or what he wants.
I am done. I feel good about it. Moving on.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Well, I guess all the suspicions have been confirmed. While you are handling this with poise and dignity, I know its hard to actually hear those words from someone that you loved and trusted.
FWIW, I read your posts, and I think about all the adversity you have been through and I think - "She's going to come out of this just fine".
I assume this will affect D14 as well and I am sorry for that- very tough for a 14 year old girl to lose respect for her Dad. I know you have the strength to help her through it.
Thank you guys. I'm definitely on the roller coaster. Trying to figure out what to do for the future. I really want to return to my home state but not sure how to make that happen with D14 and everything else. I know I don't have to solve these problems all at once, but my wheels are spinning...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Trying to figure out what to do for the future. I really want to return to my home state but not sure how to make that happen with D14 and everything else. I know I don't have to solve these problems all at once, but my wheels are spinning...
You don't have to think about these problems all at once, much less solve them. That's exhausting. Personally, I've had to break all of my problems into little segments and I focus on one at a time (which is a little odd because at work I'm the queen of multi-tasking, but I guess I'm not so emotionally invested there). I think realizing what a mess your husband is at the moment makes the roller coaster move super fast - so be prepared and take extra good care of yourself.
