Update...I have been out of town for work since Tuesday. I did not text or all my W yesterday and ignored a text from her (telling me that a co-worker had been fired). Last night she texted me to say "cannot sleep, this s*cks". I of course was asleep. I went out last night for a few hours with some work colleagues and had a blast. I did not respond to her text when I saw it this morning. Then today she called me but I did not pick up. She then texted me to tell me her trip to NYC tomorrow has been cancelled.
I just need to stay the course obviously. It gets harder when I am home since we share the same bed, have kids, etc. I keep telling myself that nothing that I say will cause her to change her mind, stop the A and want to work on the M. She has to make those decisions. I just pray to God to guide her and give her the strength and humility to make the right decision for her M and her family.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I was out of town for the past three days and my W texted/called a few times. I did not respond except to one with "ok." I got home last night in time to see my kids before bedtime. When they left our bedroom, as I was changing (I was in my underwear) my wife came up to me, hugged me, and said "I missed you." This is the FIRST time that my W has initiated any contact with me except for laying on me from time to time in bed. I somewhat hugged her back and just said "ok."
In the middle of the night, her phone rang downstairs. She did not hear it and I did not pick it up. This morning, I came downstairs and looked at her phone. It showed that a specific # had called her a few times. The number was the # for the OM, which she previously had stored in her phone as a specific name. Therefore, she must have deleted it from her phone or else it would have shown up as the name as a missed call, not 917-XXX-XXXX.
Then, when I came upstairs, my W said "It was good that we had this time apart." I asked why. She then said she was going to call me to apologize for everything but she could tell that I was not in the mood to hear it (I guess not replying to her texts gave that impression). Then she said this week was really hard and she had a nervous breakdown. I then said "well, maybe you hit rock bottom" to which she just somewhat nodded her head.
net-net...she has not confessed to the A and clearly has not fully broken it off with him since she has her same phone #. But, this appears to be moving in the right direction.
Question for everyone....should I show some warmth or just stay detached for now? I am not sure my W will ever fully confess...she would be too stubborn/ashamed.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
In terms of warmth - is there a danger that warmth could look like pursuit? Which could lead to retreat? Perhaps you could aim for showing just a little more interest and attention, whilst still GAL yourself. And remaining rather sceptical until or unless it is crystal clear that your W wants to commit to your M.
Whilst there are some positive signs, it sounds like early days, especially if OM is still calling her...Glad things are shifting a little for you though...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The other interesting change...phone calls never appeared on my W's phone screen. In other words, if someone called, it never showed that she had a missed call. Texts did not show up either. You needed her code to open the phone and see the text (she is the only person I know that has a phone set up this way...clearly a sign of trying to hide things). I am not sure if she changed it so texts show up on her screen or not, but I have never seen a phone call appear on her screen. Granted, I do not check that often, but this could be a sign that she is TRYING to be transparent with me.
Either way, perhaps a positive sign but I need to stay detached for now. If she wants to commit to the M, she needs to tell me.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Question for everyone....should I show some warmth or just stay detached for now? I am not sure my W will ever fully confess...she would be too stubborn/ashamed.
What just worked to re-attract her? Therein lies your answer.
I am not sure I re-attracted her vs. she realized what she was doing to her family. I definitely have backed off a bit. I am GALing a decent amount and being super positive around her. But, for the past few weeks, while on one hand discussing D and going to mediators to show that I am serious, I also have been fun and flirty. On Tuesday, when I spoke with her on the phone, she said "I have no feelings for you and do not want to commit to working on our M until those feelings come back." Not exactly a positive vibe. Then, I don't talk with her or text with her for two days and Thursday night she hugs me and says she missed me. And based on what she said about having a panic attack and the fact that she probably deleted the OM from her phone (no other explanation for why his # would come up without it being associated with a specific name), she may be coming around.
Could she have deleted his "name/number" from her phone but still continue with the A. Absolutely. But it definitely makes it more difficult to text the OM.
I want to show her that the path home is smooth but I also do not want to pursue her and push her away.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I am not sure I re-attracted her vs. she realized what she was doing to her family. I definitely have backed off a bit. I am GALing a decent amount and being super positive around her. But, for the past few weeks, while on one hand discussing D and going to mediators to show that I am serious, I also have been fun and flirty. On Tuesday, when I spoke with her on the phone, she said "I have no feelings for you and do not want to commit to working on our M until those feelings come back." Not exactly a positive vibe. Then, I don't talk with her or text with her for two days and Thursday night she hugs me and says she missed me. .
On Friday, we had a good day. I came home from work and we went for a walk together with the dog. We talked about a variety of topics and had fun together. We spent the rest of the night hanging with the kids and acting like a typical family. That night we had a fun dinner and went to bed together (nothing happened, just laid on each other).
The next morning (Saturday) we had coffee together, took the kids to soccer and went to yoga together later in the day.
However, my W's demeanor on Friday, which was very family and marriage oriented, changed to more aloof on Saturday. While we are around each other a lot, my W seemed way more irritable. I mentioned something to her about it last night and she got a bit angry at me, asked what I wanted from her and what else she needed to do. I just said that I want to work on our M but that I also need to trust her again. I told her that I will need her help to do that. I then jut stopped talking about it.
Perhaps mind reading, I sensed that she was texting with the guy again on Saturday or maybe just continuing down the road of confusion. Clearly, i just need to continue to detach and be patient. She needs to choose to come back to our family and our M. I cannot make her do that and being too "pushy" and expecting us to be one big happy family/in love couple could come across as pursuing and will push her away.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
As much as I would personally be much darker/dimmer with her right now, you can see how Friday was a good amount of "husband/wife" interaction to re-attract her. Saturday probably smothered her.
She's showing you what pace she can live with right now.
