Thank you to everyone for their feedback and input. I was out all day with my kids and also did spend a few hours with my W in the morning yesterday. Per usual, we had fun.
I know my W is confused. She has said this to me a few times. (I don't know how I feel") What seems to be working is showing her my good side, my fun side, etc. The only reason that I keep coming back to the "the A has to end mindset" is I know that her A will keep her from having any romantic feelings for me. And as long as she lacks these feelings, my guess is she will not want to come back to our M. She alluded to this before when she said "what do people do, just stay in an unhappy marriage for their kids."
I also agree with CaliGuy that she needs to come to this decision on her own. I cannot force or control it.
What I do is the question of the day (or year!)?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
On more thing to add...last night my W brought up some issues and said she was confused and that my pushing for D mediation shows that I want a D. I did not want to raise the OM again so I just said "like you I am confused as well. I want to work on our M and keep our family together." She also admitted to having fun with me lately as well.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
On more thing to add...last night my W brought up some issues and said she was confused and that my pushing for D mediation shows that I want a D.
I would have said "No, that's not what I ever wanted." And left it at that. Or the ol' "Yes, this is very hard on all of us."
ARE you really confused, Shodan, or are you just afraid? I think it's an important question, and you don't even have to answer it here. But this is going to be hard enough WHICHEVER way you choose, if you don't have the courage of your convictions that you're at least doing the right thing.
Pray for wisdom; pray for CLARITY. I always found that helps.
I responded to her that I didn't want our M to end and that D is notice first choice.
My take is this...she has noticed the changes and sees the good in our M. But she loves the OM and does not want to lose him especially while she does not have those same feelings for me. This is not mind reading, this is based on her actions and her words.
I am scared, I am scared of making the wrong decision and breaking up my M.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I am scared, I am scared of making the wrong decision and breaking up my M.
Make no mistake, if your marriage ends it will be your wife' stubborn refusal to at least cut off her contact with her OM and WORK at the marriage with you.
There, I said it: I don' think she's "confused" at all; I think she's STUBBORN, and she can't make up her mind. Neither can you, lol, but at least you are faithful and trying to make a go of this!
If your wife ended all contact with her affair boyfriend and came back and worked on the marriage with you, exclusively . . . with the help of a good MC trained in dealing with infidelity . . . and you guys maybe did a Retrouvaile weekend or something along the way . . . and if after say a year her feelings for you weren't returning and/or she was still unhappy in the marriage . . . then fine, end it. The right way.
To do what she's doing now is gutless, it's deceitful and it's incredibly disrespectful, I'm sorry.
I agree. I actually said to my W last night (when she brought this stuff up) that this will take a leap of faith on both our sides, but if we want to work on our M, we need to be fully committed. We can try for 6 months or a year, and if things are not better, at least we will know that we tried. But it starts with commitment, not having one foot in and one foot out of the door. Again, I am trying to avoid talking about the A and the OM since that just leads to more arguing and her stating that nothing happened.
I also agree that she is being stubborn. Stubborn enough to allow the D to happen in order to at least prove that we did not follow my agenda. Hence why I think I need to just try to be patient.
I found this link from Michele that she wrote for the Huffington Post. In it she says that she wrote it to send to your spouse if they are having an EA. I know my wife is having a PA, but she seems to be coming around to admitting it is an EA, although she just contends they are SUPER close friends and understand each other.
What gives me some hope is that she is confused and has stated that to me. She says "I don't know what I want", which is very different from "I have no feelings for you" and "I want a divorce."
I see why 25yrs is advocating more for "be patient, show compassion and let her figure out her way out of this mess". But I also see the point of a hard line.
Another somewhat hopeful point...during our discussion last night (again she initiated it), she commented that she did not know what to do. I said that we could start with eliminating love busters as mentioned in the 5LL book. She said that she had read this book and really liked the analogy of adding or decreasing coins from your love bucket. I would not think she would read that is she was dead set on leaving. I think it is her addition to the OM that is holding her back. I Just don't know how or when she will reach rock bottom.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I see why 25yrs is advocating more for "be patient, show compassion and let her figure out her way out of this mess".
This may shock you, but I'm actually not even totally against this approach. ^^^ Provided (and this is a key distinction) you separate yourself and set up strong boundaries while she's figurin'.
MLC'ers do this all the time -- "stand" for their marriages (even the face of infidelity) -- but it can only be done if you remove yourself from the situation. You are way too emotional, introspective and caring of a guy to have this under your nose every day. It'll eat at your gut and literally make you sick.
It's not my approach, nor the one that I observe is most effective, but it can be done.
