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A Message from Michele
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Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: okjpc] #2514577
12/06/14 09:03 PM
12/06/14 09:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Posts: 5,301
Hi Okjpc....glad to be of service! Come join us anytime - it's good to hear from you.

I have already 'survived' our anniversary and my birthday. No contact from H on either. Had a virus on our anniversary and just pulled the duvet up over my head & let my Dad look after me. The thing with these dates is, they pass....it's horrible, but when they do, we are a step forward & can look back & think 'well I made it through that.'

I'll have a look at your sitch Ok & offer anything I can think of that may help. I'm sorry you haven't heard from your W. remember....time and patience....Do you have some good GAL activities underway??

It is hard being a step parent in this situation. You invest a lot into the relationships with your step kids, but then don't really have any 'rights' as such if you separate. I have been grateful to my H's ex W, who is keen for me to still be a part of SS's life.

Sending good wishes from across the pond :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2514602
12/06/14 10:00 PM
12/06/14 10:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Pink17  Offline
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Colorado/USA
Toot my dear,

So glad to hear that you have some plans line up for XMas. I know it is a very difficult time for many of us here, but like wisely you said, once you do it, then you know you survived another challenge.

Yes, it is pretty hard w/SS situation. It's nice that his mom let him contact you and have some R with you. It's a blessing.

You know, sometimes I think about what your H is doing and I can only think that he will wake up one day and found out he is so lost. He is not resolving his issues, he is just piling them up and sooner or later they will all catch up with him.

It's nice you have family close by. I do not and feel I could use some love from my mom, my sisters and even my brother. I contact them frequently, but it's not the same like getting a worm hug. Enjoy it, you are luck!

Hope there will be more contact from your H and things will look a little brighter for you.

((((Toots))))

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2514617
12/06/14 10:39 PM
12/06/14 10:39 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Oklahoma
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okjpc Offline
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It really does help to hear that what I'm experiencing is normal. And, of course, my heart goes out to everyone who posts here and that gets me out of my head too.

It's very cool that the H's XW wants you in the SS's life. Fights with my W about the SS and her XH driving wedges between us were what precipitated her exit. But not only do i miss the SS, i honestly think he's better off with me in his life. His father is total turd and my W is a very good mother, but doesn't understand a lot of his needs for a good father figure in his life. We were so close that he said i was his "real dad". I called him "son" and he told my W that he wanted to take my last name as his middle name.

It's weird how such random things can trigger our emotions, but i am glad that i'm really grieving and not bottling it up.

Thanks again for posting.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: okjpc] #2514874
12/07/14 09:15 PM
12/07/14 09:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Pink was right when she said I sound sad. It's been hard moving into my own place. It was easy living at Mum & Dad's. They have a routine & I just slotted in. I was so pleased to get somewhere to live for myself. But the first week or so has been hard. Just me here - and have struggled with loneliness.

Came out fighting this morning. Need to get GAL ing some more! Decided to go to Aqua Aerobics tonight. Didn't feel like going - but made myself....and enjoyed it. Nice group of ladies and good to be in the water exercising....so that's a new one in the bag for me!

I think I just need to keep pushing on the GAL stuff for a bit - no slacking off for me - and then I'll enjoy my new independent life a bit more hopefully.

Proud of myself tonight ;-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2515005
12/08/14 06:37 AM
12/08/14 06:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Colorado/USA
It's really good you forced yourself to go to Aqua Aerobics and then had some fun.

Give yourself some time to adapt to the new independent life - also, it may be good if H knows you are moving on and feeling good about it. It may make him curious.

It's a hard time, keeping busy is the best we can do to feel less sad.

Hugs!


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Pink17] #2515071
12/08/14 02:39 PM
12/08/14 02:39 PM
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Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Toots,

I am not very proud to say that I did many things wrong on saturday night.

I was expecting to talk about our D, but we did not. Instead he was nice, we did talk about things we did or we didn't do during our M, we cried, we laugh.

But I had one too many glasses of wine, I felt weak, and he end up helping me. I was not too bad, but H end up in my bed, and I know it was not good for both of us.

I don't really regret it, but I know was not good for my DB.

On sunday he showed up at the house to check if I was OK, he told me that he feels I am lonely, he is worry about me and he feels he can't be there anymore to take care after me, he apologize for taking advantage of the situation, that he respect me a lot and want to say that he was really feeling bad about his behavior.

H said that because he care deeply for me that his feeling are all mixed up and it has been very hard for him to just let go. He cried a lot. Now, I am all mixed up too. He told me these things three times yesterday, and I finally did blow up on him. I was not too mad, but I told him I am an adult, I am not stupid and I am not asking him to be there for me anymore.

I told him that I understand he asked for a D and he wants to move on with his life and I have been respecting it, that I can't change it and I just want him to be happy with whatever decision he makes.

I think I need to go dark, get some good distance from him. I am not sure, but maybe he is not seeing my changes.

I need to regroup and reassess my goals, I am a mess today.

So much for being strong, I am just so weak.

Hope you are feeling better then me today.

Hugs!


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Pink17] #2515136
12/08/14 06:14 PM
12/08/14 06:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Gosh - you have had an eventful time! Well, it sounds better than having an awful conversation about D and just having to accept that (for now at least) that's it...

It sounds as though your H is conflicted, and he's a nice man - he sounds concerned that you are having a rough time etc.. I suppose the thing that this doesn't help with is detachment!

But I'm partly envious - Part of me wishes I had shared a bed with my H this weekend even with OW in the picture!

Well, I think you should be gentle with yourself. Golly, this is a hard enough experience to get through....we can't be getting perfect 10's all the time now can we?

But your plan to regroup sounds like a good one. Until or unless OW is history and he is keen (falling all over himself) to recommit to the M, you risk a 'cake-eating' scenario - he can't fully let go of OW or you.....you meet some needs, she meets others...painful - and could extend timescales.

It may be an idea to read again the LRT advice in DR. I think this applies in your sitch - as in mine - on the basis that you are currently S and there is some talk of D.

Have you posted some specific goals with some early actions towards them? It might be an idea to get all specific with yourself if you have just had a 'lapse' (for want of a better word.) Maybe also think about your boundaries - what is and isn't okay for you in this situation?

I have had a good day thanks - good PMA. I think weekends are the hardest, so I'll think about some more weekend GALs. I emailed 5 nice local stores to see if they might be interested in someone working part time. I already do some professional freelancing from home, but it would be nice to supplement that with something low pressure, local and more social.

I also identified a yoga class I would like to do in the new year. I've told myself I need to do at least one action a day towards GAL - until my life is full enough that I am happy with it. I feel better now that I'm 'fighting' again :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2516597
12/12/14 09:33 AM
12/12/14 09:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Toots,

It's nice that your could have some contact with your H. What do you think about it Toots.

Do you feel he is taking some steps towards you? Do you know if he is with OW?

I am glad you moving forward, having some good PMA, getting busy with so much GAL activities, getting yourself set up in your awesome new flat. It's all fantastic and I think you should be very proud of yourself.

But what is next w/H. What do you think will be happening with him? Does he sees you once in a while?

In your title it says you dropped the rope, did you?

I'm just asking because it feels you are OK moving forward. And that is perfect fine if that is what you want. Is that what you want?

I still think I want to get back w/H. I want to recover our M and built an strong R. One day it feels there is hope and the next it's very hard to see we are going to make it.

How do you see your situation right now?

I feel good that I decided to open my heart and put all my issues out there. I really hope that my IC approach will help me fully. I want to be happy again. I want to show H that my attitude is better and that I am more of a woman he met 18 years ago.

By the way on December 14 it's our anniversary. Well, I wonder how this one will be. Maybe I will invite him to go out for dinner or a drink, he keeps saying he is my H and that I am still his W, so...or maybe not.

Hugs,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Pink17] #2516617
12/12/14 01:04 PM
12/12/14 01:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Oklahoma
O
okjpc Offline
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Pink, just want to say good luck leading up to and getting through your anniversary. I hope it's a good one for you both.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: okjpc] #2516631
12/12/14 02:10 PM
12/12/14 02:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
Member
Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Pink

Yes, good luck from me too. I didn't hear from H on our ann. Or on my Bday. But I got thru them both & time moves on.

As for H & his texts - IDK. At one time after BD his texts were curt - yes, OK, cool, fine etc. often just one word. Then they got more friendly and I wondered if things were shifting towards us. Then he told our friend that our R is over, and he wants to have a new family with someone else (not necessarily AP).

So at the same time as sending me chatty texts, this was what he was saying to other(s). I guess I just feel pretty negative about him/us since then.

My guess is he is still with AP, but it really wasn't going well with them. Her OM was still in the picture, H giving ultimatums, them nearly breaking up etc. lots of drama. So I would be surprised if it lasts.

But, who my H has become.....he isn't very 'loveable.' I haven't yet closed the door on our R, but I am moving forwards, not moving 'on' yet, but forwards.

I can see that if the A ended & he was keen to reconcile, my feelings could well change a lot. But I have been doing lots of work on 'me' and TBH, I don't want an H who can't say what he wants, avoids doing the decent thing and lies.

I plan to go pretty dark over Xmas. All he gets from me ATM is DB breeziness and busyness. I'll carry on as I am & see how I feel in the new year.

Sorry if this sounds negative. I haven't given up on our M yet. I guess I have just hardened my position, and this is how I feel ATM. But I'm crying as I write this, so I'm clearly not done yet....

Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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