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A Message from Michele
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Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2499407
10/22/14 07:15 AM
10/22/14 07:15 AM
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Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Okay - so I'm working on some goals that are more personal and relate to me becoming the person I want to be going forwards:

1. Let go more and go with the flow

Meditate daily
Go to weekly tai chi class

2. Relax more around people - connect with them
3. Rediscover my 'inner fox'
4. Laugh and be a 'free child' more

Do one (or ideally more than one) of these at least once a day:

*Gently tease someone
*Gently flirt with someone
*Initiate a chat
*Extend the hand of friendship
*Do something playful
*Do something that makes me laugh
*Offer to help someone
*Take a risk with someone

5. Listen - truly listen to others

*Read 'How to talk to anyone' and practice the techniques (by end Nov.)

I have other GAL/coping related goals - but these are more about 'me' and making some deeper changes within myself.

Just on that middle section - these may not sound much, but yesterday I did two things:

*I gently teased a colleague at work, and we had a laugh about it - feel a bit more relaxed around him now.
*I offered a lift to a guy at my Tai Chi class. His family have known ours for years, and I knew he would have to catch the bus home.

Felt good about both of these, and feel if I managed to keep up these kinds of changes, it would make a big difference in my life...

Any thoughts folks?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2499429
10/22/14 09:23 AM
10/22/14 09:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Posts: 5,301
Oh no - a traumatic thing just happened!

Decided I would have a look at Meetups as part of GAL plan. Went onto website & forgot, but H & I set up his account together on my ipad & it was logged on as him.

He & I have beec NC for a month now, so no idea what happening with him. There was a message from an old friend he bumped into at a meet up asking if he wanted her number. He replied he had just finished a relationship & it was too soon for him to start another, he hoped she'd understand.

Now - he's never told me our M is over - just that he doesn't know what he wants & isn't 'moving' (in terms of making a decision right now.) Does this mean he thinks our M is over - or is the A over - or both? - or neither? I just don't know....heartbreaking!

Managed to deal with it in hopefully a DB-like way:

Sent him a text saying - hadn't realised I still have access to your meetups account. Would you mind logging off & changing your password.

He relied back - sorry that happened - I've changed it now.

Responded saying thanks for that - going to resister & see what"s on local to here

Just feeling a bit low & upset about it now & shame, as been doing pretty well GAL, NC and detaching...it's so hard sometimes...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2500342
10/24/14 05:08 PM
10/24/14 05:08 PM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Can I please get some advice DB'ers?

So I 'dropped the rope' and started LRT 5 weeks ago. Haven't spoken to H since then. We text now & then - about house stuff. I'm brief, breezy, seem busy, don't respond too fast, mention GAL stuff in passing. Texts have all been pleasant, and H includes 'extra' comments (pleasant ones) that aren't needed.

But, we have no kids together and I'm 2 hours away. We are not going to see each other unless we plan it. I have been busy GAL and am looking for a rental flat. Been to our house this week to collect some stuff.

At what point do you feel I should review things (if at all) and suggest contact?

When we spoke on the phone in the weeks after BD it made no difference. But, we met up once and that really seemed to impact on H. He felt romantic towards me and said it would have been easy to be swept away by me. Acknowledged he had forgotten how lovely his wife was. He said he doesn't want to meet up for now because he needs to sort himself out, and he has low 'self control' at the moment.

As far as I know the A continues...Please help! I feel I have been doing the right 'LRT' things - but just feeling a bit wobbly about it now...worried I may be missing a chance to see him and have him feel that way about me again.

I think I know what the answer will be - but I just need to hear it!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2500347
10/24/14 05:11 PM
10/24/14 05:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Posts: 12,602
Do you have a FB account that he has access to?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: MrBond] #2500366
10/24/14 05:59 PM
10/24/14 05:59 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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No, I don't use FB...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2500415
10/24/14 08:46 PM
10/24/14 08:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Is there anything that ties you two together? Financials, family, friends, etc.?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: MrBond] #2500536
10/25/14 06:11 AM
10/25/14 06:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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We jointly own our house, which I moved out of. We have pets there, so we have linked up about them, and other stuff about the house. In terms of finance, we always both had separate current accounts. We have a joint account which we both fed money into for house/family expenses. H and I agreed I would stop contributing to the joint account for now as I have new expenses here. H has also agreed to help fund a 6 month rental here, to save me using up savings. But after that he says I need to be self sufficient, so I'm building up my freelance work/earnings here at the moment.

Then, there's my stepson. I've been very involved in his life for 10+ years & have been keeping in touch with him separate to H. He, his Mum & I are meeting up next week. At one point, H suggested we meet up as a family, but I said no. It was before I started LRT, and it didn't feel right to me for us to be separated, but linking up for 'family stuff' whilst H was having an A.

We also have a couple of good mutual friends who are in touch with us both. One in particular has talked a lot with each of us about things and has been trying to help. Neither are supportive of the A, and think H is having a MLC.

So, I guess our lives are still very much 'joint' but we have made arrangements that are in place for now...

I could certainly ask to meet & discuss any of the above - but I have been leaving it as in LRT and didn't want to start 'pushing' on things like the house, finances etc.

Any thoughts??


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2500624
10/25/14 04:30 PM
10/25/14 04:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Just found out that one of our very good friends will be seeing H tomorrow. She hasn't managed to see him for a month or so, and will doubtless catch up with him on what is happening. She and I had already arranged to meet up on Monday separately, so I may hear a little more about what is happening.

I haven't asked anything of her. Don't want to put her in an awkward position - she has already been really helpful, and supports our marriage 100%.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2500821
10/26/14 03:59 PM
10/26/14 03:59 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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So, our good friend saw H today. She texted me to say there wasn't much she could tell me, but she didn't think anything was resolved with H (and OW presumably.)

Was disappointed - have been doing a 180 for over 5 weeks now, and wondered if there might be a bit of a shift. Doesn't sound like it - sounds like all is still foggy with him.

Oh well - important to remember - have no expectations Toots, then you won't be disappointed will you? At least I was disappointed and not devastated anyway.

Back to detaching and GAL for me. Have a busy few days coming up with work and seeing friends, so that should be good for me...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2501827
10/29/14 09:26 AM
10/29/14 09:26 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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So, I have been reading the Chump Lady website - Theoden has mentioned it a few times, and it is worth a look very entertaining, but take it with a pinch of salt - her views are at the extreme end. The thing is, I feel like filing for divorce right now!

She advocates 'dump the cheater' pretty much every time. She also has pretty strong (negative) views on the DB approach etc.

I'm not going to file for divorce right now - but it has helped me start to think, after all of this, do I actually want to be with H again? He was unhappy, I didn't understand how much.. He never sat me down and said, I'm so unhappy our marriage is at risk now. He just decided to start 'dating' other women whilst away at work.

Then he had an affair and lied to me for months. And now, he won't even end this affair and recommit to our M. And the OW is a bit of a 'train wreck' who had an affair before and then cheated on here AP with my H. Is this a man I actually want to be married to again?

Some of Starsky's and Theoden's posts really struck a chord too - about the state of mind a WS needs to be in for true reconciliation to happen. My H seems miles away from that.

So, I'm all over the place really - and thinking maybe this is all useful stuff to go through to get to the point of not being so attached to the outcome of H and me getting back together.

What do you think please?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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