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A Message from Michele
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I've dropped the rope.... #2496079
10/10/14 07:51 PM
10/10/14 07:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
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Hi, this is my first post, but I've been lurking! Been with OH 11 years, married for 5 - very happily - or so I thought... He works away part of the week. SS13 from his previous marriage - Lives with us at weekends.

Back in Feb, OH left his work emails open and I went to use his PC. I noticed a number of emails to a female colleague with no subject line. Read them and realised this had become more than a friendship. OH admitted a couple of dates, and broke off the EA straightaway. Was shaken, but thought we were ok - OH quite low - saying he needed to make a big change in his life. Told me he had become quite depressed, felt he had tried to tell me, and I hadn't managed to understand how bad. That I kept suggesting superficial things to improve situation. He has a point there - and he also has realised he didn't bluntly tell me he had reached crisis point. So, he "got frustrated and sought comfort elsewhere."

OW left the company in May and moved abroad to move in with her partner. In July, OH rang me to say he needed to fly out and see her. Was devastated. He went over there, and emailed me to say they'd been having a PA since April. I moved out that day, and am living with my parents for now. The A has continued, and she's now split with her OH. He isn't aware of the A. She had an A with him too, which broke up his marriage. Then she cheated on him with my OH.

H keen to be honest and answered all Q's I asked about the A - willingly and openly I felt. He said the dishonesty was one of the worst things ever happened to him and he couldn't bear it. He's been out to see her about once a month since July. At first, he & I kept in touch by phone once a week or so. Talked a lot about our R and why the A happened etc. He just keeps saying he loves me and respects me but isn't sure what he wants. Wants to be very careful. Knows how much he has hurt me. But he has feelings for her. Their R seems pretty up & down. He finds her distant sometimes and doesn't always feel treasured by her. Says she doesn't treat him well sometimes. Told me he was happier in our R.

He and I have also met up once. Had a good visit. Friendly, talked a lot. Had a little hug. This was in the early stages and I wasn't sure he would visit her again, but he has. He told me how strong his feelings were for me after that visit. He felt it would be the easiest thing to fall back into a romance with me. Hold my hand, feel swept away. He said we shouldn't meet again as his self control is low. I told him there is no chance he and I will have a 'romance' whilst he is involved with someone else. That he has a decision to make and so do I.

Last time we spoke, he had started reading self help books and was thinking of seeing a therapist. I have kept in touch, asked Qs, listened, reported my feelings and not pushed. But I began to feel that by remaining in the picture, I was almost supporting the A. Being a point on the triangle.

Couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to withdraw. Told OH I can't stay with M&D forever and am looking for a rental flat. Told him he can link with our pet service direct (not thru me) and have stopped calling/texting (other than occasional functional texts.) It isn't easy though, and I would welcome any thoughts or comments. You all seem so wise. I am working on my own life. Have found some work here, started a fitness class, joined a book club and am volunteering in a local shop, joined an art class...seeing friends etc.

I just can't understand why he says he still feels about me that way, but doesn't end the A when our M is hanging by a thread. But, yes I know - GAL and stop trying to second guess him! Hello to you all anyway x

Sent from my iPad


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2496122
10/10/14 10:40 PM
10/10/14 10:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Jefe  Offline
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Welcome Toots. Interesting situation to say the least. I'm not sure how to even classify it. I think you are sort of the WAW but I believe this to be way above my pay grade. Hang in there. Let me ponder your situation a little more before I dig in further.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Jefe] #2496161
10/11/14 01:14 AM
10/11/14 01:14 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Have you read DB or DR? What is an OH and M&D?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: MrBond] #2496163
10/11/14 01:27 AM
10/11/14 01:27 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
Mr Bond,

M&D is Mom & Dad, I haven't figured out OH.

Toots,
"He said we shouldn't meet again as his self control is low."

Of the whole story you posted, the above sentence is the one that sticks out for me. I'm no expert here but it sounds like you need to move towards the LRT, but let some others weigh in first.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Jefe] #2496199
10/11/14 05:43 AM
10/11/14 05:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Jefe & Mr Bond - thanks for your replies. I have just read DB, which is how I learned about the forum. I plan to order DR this weekend.

Sorry for any confusion, and well done for getting the M&D. OH is other half - think I need to use H in future. I can recall reading about LRT, but not what is involved. I'll have another look, but wont do anything else just yet...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Jefe] #2496249
10/11/14 03:25 PM
10/11/14 03:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Thanks for your replies - I think I have been putting OH (other half) and should be putting H. The low self control comment was made when we talked about having another meet up. We are a couple hours apart at the moment. From what he said, H seems to feel he would have low self control if (for example) I made a romantic approach. However, he also doesn't seem ready to let go of either the A or our R. I have told him I'm not going to become involved romantically with him whilst he remains involved with the OW. But he still felt it wouldn't be a good plan to meet - at this point in time anyway...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Jefe] #2496378
10/12/14 05:46 AM
10/12/14 05:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Yes, I suppose I am the WAW. Hadn't really thought of it that way. But at BD, H had decided he was going to leave me. So I guess we would have separated either way. The OW accepted the job abroad in May. She had asked H to leave me at that point and he said no. They split up then, and H was relieved that things would get back to 'normal.' But once she had gone, H missed her and said his feelings were stronger than he had thought. Hence his decision to go out there in July.

Would someone mind telling me how the moderation process works, and what is the best way to get early replies please?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2496791
10/13/14 11:26 PM
10/13/14 11:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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MrBond  Offline
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Posts: 12,602
Keep posting. That's the best way.

So what issues did the two of you have in your M? What were things that you might have done to contribute to the M problems? What happened to this first M?

The more open and detailed you are the better.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: MrBond] #2496871
10/14/14 06:11 AM
10/14/14 06:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mr Bond, thanks for your questions. When we've talked about this, we looked at what we think are his, my and our issues.

His?
Suppressing own needs & wishes to please others. "I'm a father, husband, employee - but who am I?"
Letting little problems build up into larger ones by not raising/tackling them
Not looking after self & making himself happy
Long term feelings of "profound loneliness" - possible depression. His own family are in US and he misses them.
Feeling that he would have liked us to have a family together. When we started living together, I came off the pill. But I never got pregnant, and am menopausal now. He says this isn't central, but something he would have liked...I know OW keen to have kids.

Mine?
Trying to be a bit too perfect (duty bound?) wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Burying my head in sand and not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively - feels I am a bit conservative.)

Ours?
We have always been pretty 'low conflict' - both quite accommodating, polite. We have both struggled to raise and resolve issues & would suppress things.
Our love life had become 'routine' - H described it as 'functional' - lost spontaneity
Relationship has suffered as a result of H working away 3 days/week with long commute & high earning/pressure job - not much time/energy to do things
Realised we need to communicate better about deeper things.

I asked H whether he had 'fallen out of love with me' and he said no - he very much still sees me as a 'lover' and not a 'friend' or 'sister.' But he says he really needs to work on himself now, and that he's not 'moving' at the moment. Says he needs to work on his own issues before being in a 'big' relationship again. That said, he hasn't ended the A.

His first marriage lasted for 10 years. Both met in early 20s, whirlwind romance and married within 6 months. Difficult relationship - H was quite submissive - marriage was quite combative. He felt ex wife was v. critical & blamed him for problems that were hers (ie:depression) - or at least 'theirs' - ie: it takes two to make a marriage work etc. She and I have always got along well - but I know he was keener to meet a calmer, gentler partner after his first marriage. She is very assertive/forthright..

He was faithful during his first marriage. I have struggled with this because it wasn't a happy marriage, but he remained faithful. Yet he said our marriage has been a happy one - but he hasn't been faithful. He has always said how important fidelity is to him. He once said to me if I was ever unfaithful, our marriage would be over right away. I asked him what happened to these strong principles - and he said something along the lines of - I guess I let them slide...

I have never been unfaithful.

He and I met a year after their separation and took things pretty slowly. He had already started dating other people a few months before that & we met on an online dating site. His ex wife was unfaithful right towards the end of their marriage when things had got pretty bad. He and she are on reasonable terms now though. She would come to ours for dinner sometimes & vice versa. We also had her Mum over for dinner with us once - so all quite amicable. She's pretty upset with him about what has happened now..


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: I've dropped the rope.... [Re: Sotto] #2497072
10/14/14 07:58 PM
10/14/14 07:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
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Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Realised today that this weekend it will be 4 weeks since H and I have spoken. Having 'dropped the rope' I just stopped initiating contact and he hasn't made any approaches since then.

We've exchanged a few texts about house and finances - but that's all.

What I want to ask is - how long is NC helpful? Should I worry if a month has passed & we haven't spoken? I did a 180 not initiating contact - but at what point do I review it?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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