Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
Hi Jefe,

I've been reading your posts for a while including the one you wrote on the infidelity blog.

No doubt you are in an emotional mess. Who wouldn't be? You have been on a very hard road. I admire how hard you are working to keep your marriage together.

I have been waiting to comment because I wanted you to give insight regarding the personal interaction between you and your wife. But you don't discuss your actual relationship. Are you aware of this?

What I mean is you haven't given any insight into how do/did you talk/interact? How did you conflict resolve? Or did you resolve conflict? What were your wife's primary issues with you? I know there was OM but this wasn't the only issue in your marriage.

You made reference to other issues. What were they? And when I ask "what were they" I want to know "what were the issues SHE complained about" not the issues concerning you.

For example, was she worried about money, security, drinking, etc. Studies show infidelity in women is different than infidelity in men. Most women are unfaithful because they seek to supplement something missing in their current relationship (love, security, excitement, etc.)

What was she saying that you weren't hearing? Keep in mind: I am not excusing her behavior. But if you don't know what was happening in your marriage then how can you fix it if she returns? You will be in the exact same place this time next year.

Something you said in your first blog struck me. You said you wish you could go back in time and do things different. What things?

Now on to specific issues Your wife said:

"We are not together anymore and will not be anymore. I will that the girls where I choose when I want. The same goes for you. I will not be asking or telling you about where I take them. They will always be safe with me. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they can't be around them."

"We will get a divorce ASAP just saying so please stop trying to win me over. I don't want your opinions on anything."

As an outside observer...this is really random. What prompted such harshness by her? Or is this normal conversation between the two of you? Do not say that she is just being mean or spiteful. She has had many opportunities to be mean and spiteful but she waited until now to take the shot.

Why?

Get completely honest and we will be able to roll up our sleeves and get to work on your marriage.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
Jefe, have been following you of late. I know all too well the inner turmoil and inability to maintain detachment. It takes practice and we all get better over time.

I am not doing very well myself. D happens in one week. I don't know if anything I did could have stopped this train since BD, but the DB'n has helped and if the STBX has doubt's in the future, they may stem from something as simple as a single incident where you got it right.

I'm here in DFW, too. So you are not alone in that sense, either!


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Jefe -- You are always so good at posting on other people's threads so I wanted to check in to give you some support. Just read your back story. Wow. That is a lot to absorb. Even though you say that your relationship has been good, it does sound like your W is not a stable, trustworthy spouse.
I admire you stepping in to raise D7, however she was in a needy spot when she married you, which is some cause for concern.
Now is the time to take care of yourself and the kids.
I'm sure it's difficult not knowing where they are, or where she is taking them. As long as the girls are not anxious or confused about it, try not to get involved. Step away and detach from W as best you can.

None of us here want our M's to end. But when I read these stories about WAS it makes me think that, even though we contributed to the demise of our M, we deserve better.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Thank you, Ahoy. Not that you are, but I knew after I posted the larger story some 2X4's would be coming my way. I certainly had my head in the sand or just flat out chose to "live" with some flaws and, in part, these are the consequences of that. That being said, I made a vow to stand for my wife and my marriage until God says don't. I perhaps underestimated the amount of sacrifice this marriage was going to be but I went into it with my eyes open. Which may mean I have no room to complain about my marriage at all, who knows. I'm rambling now and have changed this paragraph several times so...

I am thankful that I have the girls 99% of the time. I am thankful she has decided to spend more time with them instead of other things. No, I don't want my marriage to end but I am not in control here.

Thanks Ahoy, your opinion means alot.

Now if I could just figure out this detaching thing. I need sleep so badly.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
My Christian MC suggested a product called Sleep Assure. You'll need to go to Whole Foods or Sprouts or a Health food store to get it. Melatonin, GABA, Valerian root. Nothing addictive or harmful.

If you're like me, you can get to sleep but not stay there (I've been averaging 5 hrs/night). This helps. I got 6.5 last night on a half dose.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
"If you're like me, you can get to sleep but not stay there (I've been averaging 5 hrs/night). This helps. I got 6.5 last night on a half dose."

That's it exactly but I'm getting nowhere near 5 hours. Usually 3, 4 if I'm lucky. I'm out as soon as my head hits the pillow then, insanely restless, thoughts out of control, horrible dreams, sometimes just instantly wide awake for seemingly no reason.

I'm going to the store today, thanks!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Jefe, I had that problem 6 months ago when my WAW was in an active A. Sometimes only 2 hours of fitful sleep. I'd have a couple of glasses of wine and take 6 or 7 melatonin pills and read DR for a while then fall asleep only to wake up a couple hours later with all the A thoughts going through my head until morning.
It takes time but what's necessary is thought-stopping exercises, learning to detach as best as possible, and focusing on things in your life that are not in turmoil. And also pulling away from the WAW. I found that when I pulled away, noticeably, it would draw her in. Takes a couple of weeks but it's noticeable. However then I would get excited that thing are improving and blow it by putting pressure on her and pursuing which just drove her away again. It takes a lot of discipline and it's totally counterintuitive.

Make a plan. Here's mine for reference:
Quote:
MY PLAN TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE

I am doing this to create a great life for myself. To be the best human being I can be. To be generous, loving, caring, compassionate, honest and open in all relationships with others. To be financially successful and independent, so I can share my wealth and life with those for whom I care.

1. Change myself:
- Learn to keep emotionally present at all times – aware of my emotions and urges
- Control my emotions and urges and think about the consequences of my words before I utter them
- Get out of debt & manage money better
- Learn to let go and let the process unfold by itself
- Be more generous, less selfish
- Listen better and hear better
- Slow down, stop rushing.
- Eat meals slowly savouring the experience.
- In personal affairs, be less persistent, let things happen in due course
- Understand where I failed to meet my partner’s needs in the past so as not to repeat those mistakes in the future
- Release the need to control people or the circumstances. The only thing I can control is myself and even that’s a challenge at times.

2. Be open to reconnect with my wife:
- Stick to the solution-based approach
- Listen to what she says every time she opens her mouth and reflect back for full understanding
- Validate her thoughts, even if I totally disagree. Just acknowledge what she says
- Give her space
- When she comes to me be kind, gentle and loving but firm and strong.
- Detach from the outcome

In doing all these things I must remain:
- Calm in my demeanor
- Constant in my actions
- Consistent in my actions
- Committed to the process

When in crisis, consult with this plan, not my feelings. Be patient. Let the process take its due course. Have faith that by sticking to this plan the goal will eventually be achieved.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Hope414 - I didn't see your post yesterday. You are still on moderation so your posts aren't showing up in real-time. Let me get the kids to bed and I will reply to all of your inquiries in detail. I want to really sit and think hard about it before I answer.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Originally Posted By: Hope414
“I have been waiting to comment because I wanted you to give insight regarding the personal interaction between you and your wife. But you don't discuss your actual relationship. Are you aware of this?”

No, I guess I wasn’t.

Quote:
“What I mean is you haven't given any insight into how do/did you talk/interact? How did you conflict resolve? Or did you resolve conflict? What were your wife's primary issues with you? I know there was OM but this wasn't the only issue in your marriage.”

We don’t do conflict well at all. If it get really tense we often go to bed mad or worse. I’m a yeller and I want to fix it right now. She’s more of a lasher and she wants to go and cool off but I can’t ever seem to let it go. We don’t argue well at all. We both have flaws, but I guarantee if I fixed mine, we could deal with hers a whole lot better.

Quote:
“You made reference to other issues. What were they? And when I ask "what were they" I want to know "what were the issues SHE complained about" not the issues concerning you.
For example, was she worried about money, security, drinking, etc. Studies show infidelity in women is different than infidelity in men. Most women are unfaithful because they seek to supplement something missing in their current relationship (love, security, excitement, etc.)

What was she saying that you weren't hearing? Keep in mind: I am not excusing her behavior. But if you don't know what was happening in your marriage then how can you fix it if she returns? You will be in the exact same place this time next year.”


Her issues, as I understand them, in order of my perceived importance to her and from her viewpoint:
1) Lack of flexibility and willingness to compromise in dealing with OM1’s family and visitation.
2) Constant complaining/griping – She can’t do anything right
3) Lack of intimacy / romance the way she needs and desires it
4) Jealousy (of OM1)
5) Lack of help with the household chores

In the early days my drinking was a huge problem but thanks to God I’ve been sober almost 4.5 years. In the last year I left my stable job with the stable income and we started our own business. The money is not steady and I underestimated how utterly un-secure this was going to make her feel. It has been a dream of mine for many years, I think we can make it no problem, and this is just a normal start-up stress and tension but she is not dealing with it well at all. I told her 2 weeks ago that if she wanted me to just give it up and find a real job with steady income that I would gladly do it because she is more important to me than this silly business. I have had several offers since I left my gig last year and finding a job won’t be a problem. I am negotiating a possible deal as we speak. Just need to hammer out some of the perks and growth details and make a final decision on the offer.


Quote:
“Something you said in your first blog struck me. You said you wish you could go back in time and do things different. What things?”

I wish I would have made her more important. I should have loved God more than her and above all. I should have loved her above anyone and anything else. Instead at times I made her my god or put everything else above her and God was on the side somewhere. I knew many things I needed to do early on but would find myself in the middle of not doing it and would ask myself “what the hell am I doing?”

I have been absolutely head over heels in love with my wife since 2 weeks after we started dating, I have just neglected to make sure she KNEW that.



Quote:
“Now on to specific issues Your wife said:

"We are not together anymore and will not be anymore. I will that the girls where I choose when I want. The same goes for you. I will not be asking or telling you about where I take them. They will always be safe with me. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they can't be around them."

"We will get a divorce ASAP just saying so please stop trying to win me over. I don't want your opinions on anything."

As an outside observer...this is really random. What prompted such harshness by her? Or is this normal conversation between the two of you? Do not say that she is just being mean or spiteful. She has had many opportunities to be mean and spiteful but she waited until now to take the shot.

Why?”


My inability to just STFU. I wanted to talk about the incident that happened and I pushed too hard. I was supposed to be detaching but I blew that and before I could reign it back in, I had already said too much. It is pretty typical for her when she’s feeling cornered, judged or hurt by me to go into “take no prisoners” mode. Meaning she will usually lash back as hard and violent as she can. So she sent the above text and unfriended me on FB as retaliation.
There is a ton of stuff going on in our lives, from the time we were toddlers on, that contribute to this dynamic but if we could just fix how I communicate with her I think the rest of it would take a back seat.


Quote:
“Get completely honest and we will be able to roll up our sleeves and get to work on your marriage.”

YES PLEASE!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Peter, that's awesome. Thanks for the map. I'm working on that next!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard