So today is my 4th wedding anniversary and it's been an unhappy year. This is my first post here. I have posted about my situation on another forum but since I've read the DR and have attempted to understand and implement some of the suggestions, I thought I should share my experiences on this forum and perhaps gain some support.
Together for 14 years, happily married for 3. Got the bomb last Feb and things began to improve until Apr. Then every step was a step backwards to the point where my wife is completely checked out and deciding whether to endure the pain of leaving over staying and working on our relationship. She's very much leaning towards leaving and would go in a heartbeat if it meant no guilt or pain. She is reluctant to open herself to trust because she says she has been hurt every single time she has let her guard down. Nothing deliberate but the disconnection between us is causing us both to be very raw with pain.
I'm currently working away from home, returning back home on the occasional weekend. She has requested NC during my time away so that she can use the space to evaluate her feelings and make a decision. I am respecting those wishes but today has been especially painful given that we were so intimately happy this time last year.
I have almost lost all hope. I can feel how appalling the distance is between us and whilst she would like her feelings to return, she does not believe that they can. Everyone around her affirms this to her and when I suggest otherwise she views it as criticism and that I'm trying to convince her. From what she's said, she'd like to see if the NC will make her miss me and reignite her feelings, but I think that this is misguided or she is not being honest with me. I do not know really because despite our heart-to-heart conversations, I don't think either of us are on the same page with this relationship.
We both want exactly the same from a relationship and we have the same ideals and principles - but I want it and believe it's possible in this relationship whereas she does not.
Um...my only advice, especially if you've been working away since before the trouble started is to find employment near home and reconnect. If that's not the case. Anything that bugs her about you, fix, now. Do the 180s.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Is the other forum here or another site? If not, could you share a little more? What exactly has happened that has caused her to lose that trust and feel hurt? Is there an example that you can share with us?
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
I agree with Joe1981. I've been working away from home during the week for two and a half years and in my opinion it has driven a huge wedge between us. I'm looking for a job nearby now.
I'm also not convinced NC is a good idea. She could get used to that. I was virtually NC while I was away even before BDay as there wasn't really anything to say: 'got up, went to work, back to the flat, went to bed' isn't newsworthy. My wife used this as evidence against me that we've drifted apart.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I posted on another site. I did receive lots of helpful comments and I still post there but I thought I'd try this forum too since I've read DR.
The story has many events but I'll try to just give a brief synopsis starting from where my wife and I believe the trouble started.
- Last year I was looking forward to a moving on in career and we were trying for a family. Things were excellent. - I didn't get the job, felt stuck in terms of life goals and disconnected/withdraw. - Wife believed she was pregnant for a month but had miscarriage. She feels I wasn't there for her emotionally. (I can elaborate on that if need be) - Wife starts to fantasise about celebrities and an old flame - She realises the disconnection and gives me the ILYBNILWY bomb in a months later - I take a weekend away to regroup and come back to try working on things - discussion leads to better communication and intimacy, but she'd go hot and cold and I was becoming more reactionary when she'd demand space. - I realised my behaviour when rejected was undoing any potential healing in the relationship so we agree to a bit of time apart - She realises that she has abandonment issues a week in and we talk. After a week's reflection I decide to move back in given her issues and promise to work on self and relationship. - Things going ok after then but the disconnection was expanding and we'd lost the intimacy we had before those few weeks. It became a sexless marriage and all emotional and physical intimacy dropped off. We kept up the honest communication though. - However, I drop a bomb when discussing the start of these problems and say that given how upset I was when we'd previously tried for a child and suspected pregnancies didn't take, I held back my excitement until we knew conclusively that she was pregnant; a test, a missed period, a doctor's confirmation.. anything. But I was rubbish with my word's and it came out that I didn't believe her. I was trying to say that a part of me didn't want to believe until we knew she was pregnant but her understanding was that I didn't trust her and that vindicated her negative feelings. She was hysterical and threw me out for the weekend. - On returning home she said she was done and that I have broken all my marriage vows and committed the worst atrocity within our relationship; my "disbelief" is unforgivable and she cannot trust me ever again. Her friends and family are all against me now and I have only managed to remain in this relationship by requesting we both take it one day at a time and I have endeavoured to become the best I can be and be positive around her.
We still share the same bed, we still embrace and we give each other a peck good morning or good night, but really, she is entirely checked out. She is uncomfortable kissing me beyond a cursory peck and she will not wear her wedding ring. She demanded not to celebrate our wedding anniversary as it makes her upset. She cannot trust me again and has no idea what it would take to regain trust or love. The thought of checking-in to work on things and try to be loving to regain a connection makes her feel sick.
I understand her feelings and I do not invalidate them. I do think though that her feelings might be different if she didn't believe I abandoned her. To my mind I was there for her in my own way and I would have done anything for her if I was aware of how she felt, but she didn't even realise her own hurt because she'd repressed them until it all came spilling out at once when we briefly separated.
I was a fool with my words when I was trying to express my feelings regarding pregnancy. Not a cell in my body had any disbelief when she said she thought she was pregnant and showed all the symptoms but I was wrapped up in my own negativity at the time and I was being guarded in a way. She understands this but seems totally unwilling to accept it. When asked why I'd ruin things by saying a part of me didn't want to believe - I can only say that I've been completely confused when she says that I was cold and withdraw physical affection because that's the last thing I'd ever do. Physical affection, hugs, kisses are my primary love language and I don't recall being distant at the time.
Anyhow, I am not employed in a different location. My job just involves travel for month long periods now and again, so at the moment I am working away for the first time in a year. Ordinarily I live at home and work standard hours at HQ which is 5 mins down the road. So, I'm currently working away and she's requested NC. She wants to move out and divorce but doesn't want to cause pain. She's hoping the space will give her an epiphany to stay or leave.
PS- there are no affairs. Only in her head - the dream of being single and dating better men than me and getting the relationship that she doesn't believe is possible with me.
I agree with Joe1981. I've been working away from home during the week for two and a half years and in my opinion it has driven a huge wedge between us. I'm looking for a job nearby now.
I'm also not convinced NC is a good idea. She could get used to that. I was virtually NC while I was away even before BDay as there wasn't really anything to say: 'got up, went to work, back to the flat, went to bed' isn't newsworthy. My wife used this as evidence against me that we've drifted apart.
I wrote a response earlier but it's not been authorised by the mods yet. Basically, I do not work away from home - my job involves travel for extended periods of time now and then.
Also, the NC was my wife's request, not mine. I was initially against it but she said she needed it to assess what she wants to do (stay or leave) and hopes to rekindle some sort of emotion for me through absence. I'm simply respecting her wishes - she knows I don't agree with her.
I am very sorry to hear that. Keep your head up! Until those papers are signed, anything is possible. Prayers coming your way!
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
Many thanks for the encouragement. I just don't see it happening without a miracle; her change of mind/heart that is. She's been checked out for so long and she believes what she wants to believe. She says she's forgiven me, but then says she can't forgive/get past what was said and done even when acknowledging and saying she understands things from my perspective. She would rather give up everything she cares about and take a path that she admits would be harder than staying and working things out. She insists she cannot see changes and doesn't trust I will ever be able to offer her the trust and security she needs. This last one hurts me the most I think. It hurts because in my mind I've made huge changes but I'm just not completely there yet. She'll recognise the little things I've done such as cooking her meals, taking her out and treating her, giving her daily compliments, respecting her space happily. But the changes that have been hard for me were changing my desire to be understood and go about trying to prove myself "right" and caring about her feelings and wanting to understand her. I guess I hadn't given enough acknowledgement without any correction. Some of her perceptions about me were clearly wrong and were causing her to think of me as untrustworthy and uncaring. So after listening to her feelings, telling her I understand how she feels and then telling her how I felt and why I acted as I did, I am still thought of as trying to criticise her and prove I'm right and she's wrong.
It was frustrating and I now realise that I should have had more patience and validated her feelings more without trying to share my own, at least initially to build the connection and trust.
But it's done now. I can only 180 for my own sanity. There's nothing I can do to save this marriage. She's declared it dead and moving on to the wonderful new life she wants - and I've wished her well. I am at a loss and grieving but I still want to maintain my dignity and deep, deep down I cannot stop caring for her and loving her so I endeavour to remain respectful and compassionate right to the moment I kiss her goodbye for the rest of my life. I love her enough to let her go if she's truly unhappy. I've given her everything and that's the last gift I can bring myself to giving her.
There's no saving this marriage - only learning from it.
Ok. I'd agree that my thoughts would govern my attitude and all I feel at the moment is defeat. But I honestly do not know what to do that would give me any chance of saving my marriage.
I'm pretty sure I'm up to LRT and having to 180 everything. The situation right now is that I'm working away (can't do anything about that) and she is raising the money to petition a divorce and then get the money for a deposit on an apartment and move out - the aim before Christmas. Then I'd be left with fixing up the house and selling it.
I asked for us to attempt counselling - she said there's no point given she checked out.
I asked what it would take for her to trust me again - she said nothing could make her trust me again.
I asked whether she has the ability to forgive and move forward together - she says that my actions are unforgiveable.
I asked whether it was possible for us to agree not to discuss relationship and just share activities together/have fun together - the answer was no, she's wants a divorce.
So, I clueless - how can I hope to revitalise this relationship. I'm also emotionally shattered to bits and scared to even think about trusting anyone again, let alone the wife that promised to always be there for me no matter what. I know this is unhealthy and I'll need counselling to heal from this, but it's not a good place to come from to have an iota of hope.
And what have you been doing to improve YOURSELF? What were the issues that may have contributed to her straying in the first place? For example, if you had a weight issue, you don't need to be with her to start getting healthy. Things like that you can change and those changes will be for yourself and not just the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Never had a weight/health problem. Wife thinks I'm attractive and trim in that department (and beyond). The main gripe was my general negativity and lack of assertiveness. I was down about my job, my attitude to life was lack lustre and there was no passion. I'd always had purpose and drive whilst I was studying and when I initially started my job but then my job changed and I became demoralised.. and so my life became.
I identified this and tried to re-engage with my hobbies and sought IC to tackle insecurities in my own life. I have a much more positive outlook now and I am getting more strength to adopt a healthier mindset.
I read many books, blogs and became more pro-active to achieving my goals but I was and still am hindered by my desire to rekindle the connection with my wife - almost that I feel I'm on hold until I get a positive sign that things could improve. Trying to be honest with myself here - I think I have trouble letting go and wanting affirmation that there was progress in the relationship but by seeking that, I was inadvertently pushing her away with all the discussions and arguments.
Anyhow, I phoned her this evening to suggest leaving the divorce petition until she's moved out and asked her to consider couple's counselling together as a final attempt. She agreed to postpone the divorce proceedings and would have a think about the counselling.
Unfortunately, I do not know of any solution-oriented marriage-positive therapists in my area.
"Anyhow, I phoned her this evening to suggest leaving the divorce petition until she's moved out and asked her to consider couple's counselling together as a final attempt. She agreed to postpone the divorce proceedings and would have a think about the counselling. "
This is actually a VERY good sign. She could have just said 'no'.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I appreciate that. I just don't know of any counsellors in my area that are supportive of marriage in the same way as DB/DR. My wife and I don't have communication issues as such. We don't have blazing rows or bicker, we just have different ideals when it comes to the marriage. For her, the trust is broken and will never be regained and she is convinced that the incidents that have broken her trust are for the reasons she believes - not for the reasons I give.
Any help in locating a suitable counsellor would be gratefully received.
So she's got a flat and she's moving out, and making it clear on social media. Divorce papers will probably be my Christmas present. I have been positive and smiling around her, showing I care and wanting the best for her. I didn't give the affection I normally do but received a hug and a cuddle in my sleep (which was probably just force of habit). I really can't see this marriage coming back although I hope for a miracle. The writing's on the wall and when I asked whether there's the tiniest thread of a glimmer of hope she said no - she's happier away from me and the arguing. What more can I do now?
