Received a text from W after the wine/strawberries were delivered... 'Oh, and thank you for the berries and wine...made me cry:( very thoughtful. didn't know it was sweetest day.'
Soccer this morning, but we didn't talk (no effort on my part). Emotions are still pretty fresh for me so I think I may schedule IC. Been a while since I've talked to him.
Received a text from W after the wine/strawberries were delivered... 'Oh, and thank you for the berries and wine...made me cry:( very thoughtful. didn't know it was sweetest day.'
OK OK, you win this round! ;-)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Wonka (or others)- can you provide me with some talking points in regards to your validation response? I'm starting to feel that I do need to respond to W, but my first draft attempt was more focused on explaining my internal battle on how to interact with her going forward (screw you vs friendly neighbor).
I feel like I need to make a decision right now on if I would want to get back with W down the line (see #3 in one of my last few posts).
I always take to validation as understanding that what they are feeling is the truth to them. Focus on the hurt or pain or whatever emotions they are experiencing. Empathise with those feelings and use those feelings to focus your response.
If you are feeling blamed or accused ask additional questions about how they are feeling or how a certain event made them feel. Then go back to empathy before you respond.
Others may have different ways they do it, but this is my method. It helps me to understand how my W feels.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
The advice I got not long ago was that everything I do or say should be appropriate if I knew for sure we would reconcile, AND if I knew for sure we would not.
I don't see why you need to make a life changing decision today.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I guess what it comes down to is that I don't want people in my life that lie to me, that betray me, that hurt me...and make no attempt to right those wrongs. So if I decide I'm done DBing, I move forward as a co-parent and that's it. No reason for small talk or treating her like a neighbor. However, if I decide I still want to continue with DB, I remain friendly with W. I think I'm still viewing this all out of emotions...
Ideally, how does reconciling work after D? I suppose I have to let it all go, but I still would have a lot of questions that have gone unanswered. Does all of that get thrown out the window and you start fresh? Do you revisit all of those questions/issues with the M and A?
Despite the amount of hurt your W has inflicted on you, I think it is always in the best interest of your kids if you can remain friendly, no matter what. I have seen firsthand the damage it can cause to a family when two exes cannot be more than cordial - kids get damaged by these things. On the flip side, I've seen what happens when two parents can be friendly. I know it's hard, but I think when you have kids it is important to try put your own feelings aside just a little - and therefore I think there is some purpose to being friendly with your W, whether you ever reconcile or not.
I'm ICing myself- I recognize that a very big part of it is me still trying to control W's feelings- I want her to have a sense of loss (my friendship), I want her to hurt, I want her to regret her decision, I want her to recognize what she did was wrong (in my eyes). I don't want her to feel justified in her actions and decision by my remaining friendly with her. I want her to be held accountable for what she's put me through.
Like I said, still viewing this out of emotion right now.
