Trying to stay patient- part 6

[Tarheel]

Thanks Mozza- it took me several mos of reading stories before I decided to take the plunge as well. If sharing my story has encouraged you or anyone else to share their struggle, I consider it a success. There's NO WAY I would be where I am today without all the help/advice I've been given by complete strangers who take time out of their own lives to help myself and others.

And thanks for the feedback. This piece really stood out to me:

You say that you can't accept that she dates other men? Then you have to move on because you have no power over it (other than the power to driver her away). Or perhaps you have to accept that she'll do this detour on her way back to you. A lot of men have accepted it. Say all you want that you won't accept it, but remember: you have no control over it.

That's what I struggle with. If this were a girlfriend who broke up with me, I wouldn't have a problem with either one of us dating before coming back together. But this is my W of 15 years. It's so hard to get my head wrapped around her being with other men (which she has), then us coming back together. But I also know that I can't think of it that way- our M is dead, she's already gone. Just a difficult thought to process/accept...

I will admit that a big problem of mine has been to continue following all of that great advice. I'd think I was dong fine, then would find out W was with OM and I'd freak out and backslide. Or W would dangle just enough of the carrot to keep me from detaching.

I've received quite a bit of advice these past few posts, giving me a lot to think about. I still haven't heard anything from W on her plans since she said she'd call me this past Sunday. No answer on continuing with MC, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm planning on going regardless if she shows or not, which I'm assuming she will not. Can't control her actions, right?!

Took the boys to a hockey game last night and D10 didn't want to go. Without thinking twice, I called my mom to see about watching her. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that it even dawned on me to see if W could watch her. Suppose I'm just so used to being a single dad, it was my natural instinct to call my parents. GAL- Took Friday off to take the kids to a pumpkin show, then going to see a co worker's band Fri night. Also have some other interests I'd like to explore. Time to take action instead of just thinking about them.

[Mozza]

That's what I struggle with. If this were a girlfriend who broke up with me, I wouldn't have a problem with either one of us dating before coming back together. But this is my W of 15 years. It's so hard to get my head wrapped around her being with other men (which she has), then us coming back together. But I also know that I can't think of it that way- our M is dead, she's already gone. Just a difficult thought to process/accept...

Yes, it's hard to accept. It seems to happen on a hormonal level and reasoning can't entirely calm us down. It must be biological: we found a mate and want to protect it from other males. With a strong bond developed over 15 years of marriage, it's even harder to let go. I wish you to find the strength. Just know that it won't help to try to rationalize and justify your jealousy, not outside of a committed relationship.

I still haven't heard anything from W on her plans since she said she'd call me this past Sunday. No answer on continuing with MC, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm planning on going regardless if she shows or not, which I'm assuming she will not. Can't control her actions, right?!

That's what I do: I never ask anything. It's important that she take responsibility for her actions, that she skip the MC because of her choice, not because she turned down your demands. I'm wondering if this MC is pleasant for her? Is she looking forward to it? If not, I wonder if it's really helping. I'm of the mind that the WAW needs to look forward to your M, not see it as work and a burden. Not sure how aligned this is with DBing though.

Took the boys to a hockey game last night and D10 didn't want to go. Without thinking twice, I called my mom to see about watching her. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that it even dawned on me to see if W could watch her. Suppose I'm just so used to being a single dad, it was my natural instinct to call my parents.

I think it's perfect: don't ever ask her to babysit. Don't ask her anything. Don't give her a chance to be annoyed by you and to reject you.

Congrats on the GAL efforts and have fun on Friday!

[CaliGuy]

I will admit that a big problem of mine has been to continue following all of that great advice. I'd think I was dong fine, then would find out W was with OM and I'd freak out and backslide.
Or W would dangle just enough of the carrot to keep me from detaching.

This right here is my Krypto ... I can not seem to escape her tentacles. She knows what to say, what to do, can break me by just a look or an act. The power she has developed over me over the years is brutal .. slowly I am and have been pulling back, but I teeter on .. how far do I go as I do want the M ... I think by reading your sitch .. you have not removed yourself enough for her to miss you / nor realize she could loose you as she knows you are right there .. I fear I am doing the same ... food for thought ... I really need to be dark for a good amount of time I think.

[Tarheel]

Email from W this morning...

'I think we have a counseling appointment today, forget time?
But, I need to get this all out and its hard for me in counseling to get everything I want to say put into words...I freeze up...

This is what I wrote to you last night:

Another week of very little communication...it's not just me, it's both of us....I can't go on like this and neither should you. Living in limbo is no way to live. I need a home, I need my children, I need to be myself again and have routine. How much longer do I put my life on hold? You too....
I am actively making changes and moving forward.
I found a condo.It is great for me and the kids. I can move in this weekend. I'm going to take some furniture from the house- the green couch and chair, and the sofa table.
I can take 1 dog full time and rotate the other dogs with kids.
We should discuss money of course, but I worked a budget already.

We need to discuss the kids' schedule. I need to see them on a consistant basis now that I have a place for us. I need you to help me in coming up with a schedule and back me up on it. Otherwise I'll have to have an attorney put it in writing. I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday to discuss our situation.
Being totally honest, I am leaning towards filing for dissolution.

I really have no idea what the future holds for us. As I have said a million times, I love you. You are my family.
I will never rule out the possibility of us getting back together, but right now, at this moment that's not the path we're on....
I need a fresh start.'

[Maybell]

Tarheel, that hurts a lot. But making things more regular can also work to your advantage in giving you both the space to see things more clearly. I hope you can take the. Long view...it's only a setback in that she doesn't want to work on the marriage right now, which you already knew. In other ways, it impacts you very little.

I'm sorry for the pain.

[Shakspr]

Tarheel, there's hope in that message from your W. I can only imagine how hard it must be to accept that arrangement. Then again, I'd take it over where I am now.

Let her have time to heal and space to clear her head. You work on you, and do all the things we DB'ers do.

It seems a common thread amongst the success stories around here is that once one of the LRT triggers goes off, a clean break is necessary at some point for the WAS/MLC'er to come back around. Don't know if that's 100% true, but it seems close to the mark.

[Mozza]

(sorry, I'm still under moderation and my message from yesterday hasn't appeared yet)

I agree with Shakspr: you need this clean break to hope ever fixing this. It will remove many ways in which you are the source of trouble for her. She needs to stop thinking of you as a source of problems. Her own apartment, a fixed schedule with the kids and dogs -- all these things will get out of the way so that she can find peace of mind.

By the way, she said something very important:

I will never rule out the possibility of us getting back together, but right now, at this moment that's not the path we're on....

Don't expect anything from her at this moment: she's completely wrapped in her intention to separate from you. Don't ask for reconciliation: you're not going to get it now. It doesn't mean she won't change her mind later, it means now, she's not there. I'm in a similar situation and I've learned not to ask anything. Be happy she said she doesn't rule out getting back together; it's a good start under the circumstances.

[shodan]

Tarheel, that is a tough message to digest. She is moving towards S and very likely D. But I agree with the others that there is some hope. All you can do is move forward, GAL, detach and focus on you and your kids.

[Tarheel]

Thanks guys (and gal). It's a tough pill to swallow, although I can't say I was surprised. Knowing that we're likely headed towards D has all of the anger and bitterness that I've repressed starting to bubble up.

Getting ready to head to our MC session, which at this point seems like a mute point. Going to be hard to look W in the face (should she show up).

[gogofo]

Tar

I feel for you, my W and I are starting to have similar talks. The letter she wrote to you is really close to what my W was expressing to me last night.