Trying to stay patient- part 6

[Starsky309]

There's no question in it, and it's not about the kids.

So no need to respond.

[Tarheel]

Well, I think I now know where things stand and it appears that one door of my life is coming to a close...

Very little communication with W this past weekend as she reverted back to just communicating with S15 on her plans/when she was picking the kids up. I got back from church Sun morning to find the kids not home. Sent W a text asking if she had them and asking why she hadn't been communicating with me. Received the following text:

'I love you, will always love you, but I need to take care of me. I hope we find our way back to each other eventually, but I need to make some changes for that to even be possible. I'm going to take a 6 mo lease and go from there. I feel forced to make this move...I tried to talk about this the other night but it didn't go over well.'

I apologized for the other night and just said I was taken off guard and wasn't sure how I felt about it at the time. Asked her if she wanted to stop by later to discuss, but she had book club. When I asked if she still wanted to go forward with our Thurs MC session or if this was her way of 'breaking up with me', I received no response. (that was my instant reaction. Wasn't til later that what she was telling me really sunk in). No response until later when she text saying she had 'told the kids about the possibility of getting apt..not fun..hard things to address...S15 has me in tears (he told her he wasn't going to stay with her during the week).' She told me she'd call me last night to discuss, but I never heard from her.

As sad as all of that makes me, I don't feel as devastated as I did at various times this past yr when we talked about being done. I still have plenty of questions about what comes next and what our interaction will be- are we taking a clean break? Continuing to date/MC?

On one hand, maybe it's a positive that she's going to take some time to work on herself (although 1 could argue she's had a full year to be doing that). With the changes I've made in myself and in my life, one of my biggest concerns was always that I didn't see her changes and would the 'new' Tarheel and the 'old' Mrs Tarheel be able to work it out. On the other hand, does the fact that she's planning on getting her own place and setting up her own bank account bring her one step closer to us going our separate ways for good...

[Starsky309]

Sorry to hear this, Tar. I know you were really hoping for more.


Starsky

[sandi2]

but I need to make some changes for that to even be possible.

Even she realizes she needs to make changes before things will work out for the two of you. However, based on what she said in the email, she isn't ready or doesn't want to make the changes now. She still has to work through her own sh't. Can you accept it?

I don't see her dating you, exclusively, b/c that requires some degree of commitment, doesn't it? She can't commit to you, period.

To me, the email sounds very much like her saying goodbye to you (as nicely as she can) for at least the next 6 months. Getting a lease and setting up accounts is her showing independence from you (partly, since she hasn't closed the joint account yet).

I know you are going to do whatever Tarheel wants to do, but I still say if you will stop putting emotional pressure on her, you will stand a better chance of her wanting the M back again.

[Tarheel]

She still has to work through her own sh't. Can you accept it?

Yes Sandi, that's the question I've been wrestling with today. If we're not exclusive towards each other during those 6 mos, I just don't know that I can a) sit around and put my M on hold while I 'wait' for her to decide to give it a shot AND/OR b)be ok with her possibly dating others during those 6 mos. However, if we're able to set some ground rules during that time (ex- no dating others), maybe I'm ok with the continued time apart?? I just don't know that I see that being her approach.

I agree with your interpretation of her text though- I don't see her wanting to continue with MC/dating. I am glad that she finally realizes that she has some things she needs to work on for us to have any possibility of working out. If we are able to work it out in the long run, we will both be better individuals. But, if we're not dating, she needs to understand that she runs the risk of losing me forever, which will be the case.

I'm not sure how soon all of this will occur as she can't afford a 3 bedroom apt with out at least selling her car. Or she's going to ask me to take out a 401k loan for her, which I will not be doing, which may lead to some tension. I also have no idea if she's wanting to remain M during those 6 mos or move forward with a dissolution.

As per her previous method of communication when she has something 'big' to say, I've been expecting an email any minute from her with the logistics as it's less emotional and confrontational than a phone call.

[Wonka]

Tar,

If we're not exclusive towards each other during those 6 mos, I just don't know that I can a) sit around and put my M on hold while I 'wait' for her to decide to give it a shot AND/OR b)be ok with her possibly dating others during those 6 mos. However, if we're able to set some ground rules during that time (ex- no dating others), maybe I'm ok with the continued time apart?? I just don't know that I see that being her approach.

It is your anxiety about your W's decision that you're wanting to set down some conditions in order to make you feel secure. It doesn't work that way. Let. Her. Go.

The way I see it, this decision is an opportunity to CONTINUE working on yourself. Make permanent changes that you can live with after all it will be for the rest of your life...not just to get W back. It is a new YOU...new Tarheel.

What a gift! There's so many positives. Allow me to list them here:

-W will see "real" life on the other side on her own
-W will certainly encounter difficulties without you around
-W will slowly realize how life was like with you as her rock

Give this time for all of that to sink in for your wife. That is the real gift here.

You just cannot tell W not to date others because it is controlling. However you already told W that you are not willing to live in an open marriage. She's heard you on that one. She KNOWS this.

BTW, you don't just sit around. How lame is that?!! Get out and GAL your butt off! Life is out there waiting for the taking.

But, if we're not dating, she needs to understand that she runs the risk of losing me forever, which will be the case.

You've got this all wrong. You don't need to date for W to realize that she's losing you. Instead you go dark. That's how the WAS realizes the reality of their choices. Just disappear and be busy GALing. Be happy.

Keep your interactions with W at a bare minimum. If you're in her face all the time, there's ZERO opportunity for W to miss you and miss the essence of Tarheel.

Your fear and wet noodle backbone has been your Achille's heel. For real. 'she needs to understand that she runs the risk of losing me forever' So far, W has not seen any evidence of it by your wishy-washy actions over the past several months.

I'm not sure how soon all of this will occur as she can't afford a 3 bedroom apt with out at least selling her car. Or she's going to ask me to take out a 401k loan for her, which I will not be doing, which may lead to some tension. I also have no idea if she's wanting to remain M during those 6 mos or move forward with a dissolution.

Let W find this out for herself. Not for you to mindread or assume for her. Let her learn about the hard knocks of life on her own. Don't you dare to swoop in and try to rescue W from the choices she's making right now.

Here's an action plan once W moves out:

-Go pitch black dark
-Keep interactions to a bare minimum about the kids
-GAL your butt off
-Be the first to end the phone convos
-Be short & concise in email/text exchanges
-Don't fund her lifestyle nor cash out your 401K
-Separate your accounts from W so she cannot have access to your money

[Tarheel]

Thanks Wonka, I needed to hear that.

[MrBond]

"However, if we're able to set some ground rules during that time (ex- no dating others), maybe I'm ok with the continued time apart?? "

That's not going to work. Unfortunately, she's going to do what she wants to do even if it includes dating. You are going to have to take that into consideration to see if that's a deal breaker.

It never did seem like her heart was into the C because you were driving everything. She never got a chance to work on herself.

But don't despair. She never said that she didn't want you which is actually a good sign. What are you willing to tolerate?

[sandi2]

There is one ingredient in this exclusive dating you may be missing. To a WAW, the most desired and pressing issue for her is......FREEDOM. She can't see freedom in exclusively dating her H.

Exclusive dating, for her, would be no different than being in the marriage. Therefore, it does not appeal to her. It may not be "you" as much as the idea of losing her freedom and independence, as she sees it.

I am not suggesting that you should be one of her BF's. On the contrary, I think you should drop that blasted rope and move on with your life. You feel as if your life and your M has been on hold, right? She may have cheated, but you are the one who put everything on hold.

I have a new 180 for you. Stop trying to get her back.

[Mozza]

Hello Tarheel,

Reading your story encouraged me to register on this forum and soon to share my own struggle (my wife recently left me). But first, I wanted to give you some feedback, after reading perhaps 40-50% of your story (I skipped the middle part).

1) Forget about the OM. Your W has left you, you can't impose any conditions. The M contract has been shredded: she's free, you're free. Stop talking to her about other men. It diminishes you. I know this will be difficult. You say that you can't accept that she dates other men? Then you have to move on because you have no power over it (other than the power to driver her away). Or perhaps you have to accept that she'll do this detour on her way back to you. A lot of men have accepted it. Say all you want that you won't accept it, but remember: you have no control over it.

2) Follow the advice you get here! I'm amazed at how many times you went against the advice of the wise people here and got into trouble, only to do it again. You might think that it's too hard sometimes, but see it as a chance to make real efforts to win her back.

3) Remove the negativity from your interactions with her. I'm surprised at how much negative feelings are still between the two of you. I systematically avoid anything negative in my interactions with my WAW. I don't want her to feel anything negative when she thinks of contacting me. To me the worst part is your list of conditions to get back together: I can't imagine a hesitant WAW would look at this and think: "That's what I want!" Paint a good picture of a reconciliation, not a painful process of work and compromises. Honey, not vinegar. Once she's back, once she wants you, she'll be ready to consider the efforts and your boundaries.

4) Be more incremental. You ask for complete commitment and become unpleasant when you don't get it. Instead, see every little victory in a good light. If her commitment to you goes from 20 to 25%, make her feel good about it. She'll move to 30% and 35% and eventually 100%.

5) Have you ever broken up with a girlfriend? Do you remember how it felt when she came back begging you to take her back, imposing her conditions? The deal is different with a M and kids, but the feelings are similar. You probably wanted nothing from that girlfriend and her pleading made her even less attractive. Think back on this experience to put yourself in your W's shoes. Imagine what it would have taken for you to be attracted again to this ex-gf.

This may sound harsh, or repetitive or perhaps I missed important parts of your story. It looks as if you're progressing very slowly, falling back often, and that you need to get real: she left you. She's no longer in a relationship with you, yet you remain very controlling as if she were. You use every link you have with her to try to control her: the house, the kids, the money. Accept that this woman has become a sort of stranger, let go of your desire to control her. She left you because you were controlling her. She won't come back as long as you will keep on trying to control her.

We're on your side.