_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
Just stopping by....I wanted to leave you with this quote...
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” ~C.G. Jung
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you, Eric! Excellent quote. Time to get to that "becoming" part.
Thanks for stopping by, mleigh. I'm getting caught up on everyone after my scary week.
I just dropped off oldest boys at the airport. They were so silly all day, and in the car there, I was afraid they would not make it past security.....thankfully, they did.
From there I met H at tax office. H has been saying since June that he wanted his name off the boys' car titles, and wanted to transfer to mine. But, it took this long for him to remember/fit it in his schedule/care enough/ whatever. This was his deal, not mine.
He texted me this morning saying he could meet me at the tax office after work today. Dark, darkety- darkness all week. Pretty much NC. I had no idea what I was in for. I had an unsettled feeling.
I was preparing myself to be handed the D-in-a-box papers.
When he got out of his car, no papers. But, I barely recognized him.
2 weeks ago, he looked amazing. Today, his skin was gray again. Low energy. Head down. Eyes droopy and red, as if he hadn't slept. No smile.
As we stood in line, I looked over at him. He tugged at the waist of his pants, as if to show me how big they are on him. I took the bait, and asked if he has lost more weight. He said no, he's just wearing his old clothes again. Ok....I knew that, because I bought those....idk. He was awkward and uncomfortable, that's for sure. Just like he was in jr high. (Yes, I knew him back then.)
He was also sporting a new, full beard. He's never had a full beard as long as I've known him. He always used to have a goatee, then after MLC started, was clean-shaven. Now he's Kenny freakin' Rogers.
He hardly spoke. Stared down at the ground the whole time. I caught him looking at me a time or two, peripheral vision.
After the paperwork was finished, he could not get away from me fast enough. He said he had to run. He looked like he was going to cry.
>sigh<
It was all I could do not to hug him. But he doesn't want that. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me gone, but he doesn't want me near.
It all makes sense now.
I was pleasant, not perky. Kind as usual. Oh....except one thing that I didn't intend to come out the way it may have.... I said I liked his beard.
He looked at me funny. Confused face. I said, "I really do. I mean, you always look good". H said, "well, it's very very gray." (He's always been self conscious about gray hair, which I find sexy).
I reminded him what I think of it, and yeah, it looked sexy. Then I added, "but, the days of you really caring what I think are pretty much gone." I was smiling, because in my head, it was a tongue-in-cheek (feeble) attempt at making the mood lighter.... Backfired.
He gave me kind of an angry face. I didn't exactly expect him to chuckle, I suppose.
Here's the thing.... It's odd that I don't care so much anymore, what I say to him. I'm not nervous anymore. I'm not scared anymore that I'll say one wrong thing and be handed D papers. I'm not scared of the D papers anymore, either. It would sting. But I'll be ok.
No....I'll be more than ok. I'll be great.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I'm excited for my interview tomorrow.
We have so much in common. My thread has a bit of an update.
So I tryed to explain to a friend what ss said to me about h and thinking he might have dementure related issues. Close friend of 35 years started to tell me, h was normal had no issues and I was the one with issues. Mmmmm
Who would believe the crazed stuff? Um I guess no one but the boards, hence this place is valuable.
I am strong, I am high maintenance(by choice) but boy am I me. Determined and now more prepared to reject crapola that's not my issue. Like my friend, her issues if she cannot see my pov, even if only to be supportive. Keep on keeping on.
Last edited by Ggrass; 10/09/1410:59 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
OK, Shining, my dear. I am so glad you are feeling so confident. No worries about what you are saying, how you say it, and to whom! Even h! And of course he was looking at you. No eye contact, I'm sure- or minimal. But, he looking...
Poor guy. Sounds like he is having a hard time. It's a sad sight to see, huh? I know. There is things we know that other wouldn't pick up on, either. Even any ow out there.
Well, keep thinking about you! I can't wait to hear the adjective you come up with for proud-sad. That must be so overwhelming to see your s's go. Eeeks! It is really starting to hit home for me, with s17 being a senior. Aaaahhhhh!!! I can't believe it! My sweet baby!
Journaling: Interesting thing today. Not related to H, but to xh.
Many people here can't imagine their sitches ever changing. Or, they can't imagine ever having a friendly R with their x in the future, because the pain and anger are running through them. There are never any guarantees, but things CAN and DO change in strange ways.....sometimes.
The father of my children, is my xh.
For a long time, I hated xh. I mean....hate. Disgust. I saw him as a heartless monster.
I wondered how we would ever get through milestones, and how we could ever be in the same room, after what he had done. The kids would have a future of graduations, weddings, babies....I shuddered at the thought of having to see that monster of xh there. His smug, ugly face...taking credit for what I did raising them. Spoiling everything. Because that's what he does. That's how I thought.
After D, it took years, but I worked through that anger and fear. I had to stop focusing on him, his antics, his head games, his lies, everything that was not business. I only replied to emails, and I used a professional business tone. Always. I stopped playing. The game had to die.
He had to become irrelevant. That was the word I used..... frequently. Irrelevant. And so he was.
Xh lives out of state. He has not consistently exercised his visitation. Even for holidays. Needless to say, for a long time, my kids felt unwanted. Insecure, wondering "if" he would take them this year. They felt unworthy of his time. Unworthy of the expense of the trip. It was very sad.
He seemed to prefer traveling with friends for holidays over seeing his kids. How does one look her kids in the eye and tell them, "no, I'm sorry. Not this year." Not a fun job.
I was the one to deal with that mess he made.
The kids didn't always want to see him, but they still wanted him to want to see them.
I never bad mouthed xh to the kids. (I didn't have to....he did his own damage). I always told the kids, that their R was theirs. That at some point, they would need to come to a place of forgiveness. They would not be healthy adults unless they found some type of R with their father. What that R would look like would be up to them. It probably would not look the same as the R their friends had with their fathers. The good news, it doesn't have to. They could create whatever brings them peace.
Xh had work to do on himself. He has done a lot of it, as it seems. The R with my kids is a bit forced, but the effort is there. It is coming along....slowly.
About 2 years ago, I had a long conversation with xh. A lot of old anger came up, because the kids were hurt by some things he didn't acknowledge. But I learned something. ...... He really didn't get it. Not even a little.
And then it made sense.
We all expected him to act like someone he wasn't. We all expected him to know things he never learned.
Did he do bad things? Yep. The "not knowing how" was not a free pass to do what he did.
His consequences happened naturally. He had to lose us all. He never thought that would happen. But it did.
I wasn't around to see it. But, I believe he hit a rock bottom. He has been in counseling for many issues, for close to 8 years.
H came here for S18 graduation. My kids, my mom, xh, xhgf, and I....all sat at one table and had dinner.
If someone had told me, 8....5.....even 2 years ago, that this would ever happen? I would have put money that it wouldn't.
And I would be broke.
No one knows what tomorrow brings. Never rule things out. Stranger things have happened.
It just takes a looooonnnggggg.......loooonnngggggg.......tiiiimmmmeeeeee.
And he had to decide to do the work. Because in my 14 years with him, I could not fix him.
More to this story happened today....but I'm tired. G'night, y'all
