Long story short—my husband told me at the beginning of this year that he didn't love me anymore. We have two beautiful daughters, 1 and 3 years old. We will have been married six years this July. I'm definitely not counting on us celebrating our anniversary this year. He hasn't moved out, partly for financial reasons, but he also has expressed interest in the idea of "staying married for the kids." The idea of my two happy, spirited, delightful little girls having their parents split up breaks my heart. I also don't want my daughters having a "new mom" and seeing Daddy "date." I'm sorry, I'm feeling very territorial on this issue—this is MY family and I'm not willing to just calmly let my husband walk away from it and think it's OK to do the "every other week" kind of parenting.
While our marriage by no means has been perfect—I struggled with depression issues early on following a job loss, which worsened with postpartum depression after the babies. But I was very proactive about seeking help, while my husband was basically denying that I had depression and at times said I was just being selfish and immature. I know it wasn't easy for him—watching me go through that. My obstetrician put me on zoloft which basically changed my life. Things were going awesome with the medication this fall, and my husband was actually saying he could see the difference and he was happy. I could feel the difference too and even with what's going on right now, I still feel pretty good emotionally, though I definitely have my moments. Anyway, around the holidays we were traveling to see family and unbeknownst to me, I was about to get my first period after getting pregnant in 2012 and breast-feeding starting in March 2013. I went completely crazy on that trip and practically had a nervous breakdown over nothing. Everything seemed to get under my skin and I had this scary feeling of "Oh no! The medicine isn't working! The postpartum rage/depression is back!" I was very angry at my husband, who seemed to not be helping during the trip and was like "Poor me! I helped our daughter use the potty while we were at the restaurant so you could eat your lunch"—not acknowledging that I was breast-feeding an infant while eating said lunch, so yeah, obviously I couldn't take a toddler to the bathroom. What do you want, a cookie?
Sorry, but that holiday weekend was really bad, and my rage exploded, which led to my husband giving me the complete cold shoulder in the first weeks of 2014. I immediately contacted my OB, who said it was the result of my first postpartum period returning, and he increased my medication. But my husband is pulling this—too little, too late stuff, even though the week before I had my "relapse" he was leaving me voice mails telling me he loved me and was thinking of me.
The past few months have been a roller coaster, and in the meantime I'm taking care of two small children and have started pursuing new career opportunities, one of which is going very well and might actually lead to my dream job, but I'm having A LOT of trouble focusing on what I need to do to make a good impression (I'm currently freelancing for this company) because of the crapfest currently raining down on me.
Because my husband has been saying (the few times he opens up) that he's worried about his mom getting older, and he's struggling with his own career issues, I'm thinking mid-life crisis triggered by my episode over Christmas. And I take a majority of the responsibility. But I haven't ignored my illness or blamed others—I have sought help and I've worked hard to be the best mom and wife for my family. Even my MIL said she sees the difference in me and is impressed.
What's frustrating me the most is that we go about our days, and sometimes things seem normal, but then if I initiate a relationship talk, I get a really nasty response. Just last week, we were talking and he mentioned the possibility of separation/divorce, and when I said that would be abandoning us he replied "I'm not abandoning the kids. I'm abandoning you." Pretty devastating. My sister says "Don't poke the bear," meaning if things are moving along normally, I need to just let him go through whatever he's going through and leave him alone, especially since I pretty much know what his response will be right now.
The past week he has kissed me good-bye when leaving for work and asked me if I wanted to watch TV with him after the kids were in bed. Funny how much those little things mean after facing the prospect of divorce. Problem is, if I bring up our relationship during these times when he's being "nice", BAM! I'm going to hear things I don't want to hear.
M:38 H:41 M: 6y D4 D1 BD 2/14 IDLY H moved out 10/31
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Bridge, sorry you are here! There's a lot of support to be found here. It's the only place that really understands what you're going through. Read your homework that Cadet posted. It helps to educate yourself, trust me. Do not initiate R talks. It pressures them, you've got a lot of reading to do, keep posting and most people here will have similar stories. Also read the sandi's rules in the newcomer forum
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Ugh! I feel like every time I make 10 steps forward, I take 10 steps back. Yesterday morning I was feeling good. My husband kissed me good-bye as he was leaving for work. He always kisses our daughters good-bye, and some mornings he kisses all of us, others just them. Since he kissed me too, I took it as a small accomplishment in the spirt of setting "small goals" in the Divorce Remedy book.
Then in the evening I was slightly annoyed because he came home late and we had to eat dinner without him, even though I told him when he was leaving in the morning I was making a special dinner for our daughter's last day of preschool. He's extremely distracted with work right now, so that probably didn't even register. (I HATE his job! But I am trying to be more supportive these days). The night before he was extremely apologetic about the fact that he had to do an important call for work yesterday morning, and so he missed our daughter's preschool program (songs, etc.) for her last day. But the kids and I still had a great time without him. In fact, I actually enjoyed going to the preschool program with just the girls, because normally at these events my husband is rushing me or looking at his phone, and without him there I was actually able to enjoy the program, take my time and have punch and socialize with the other parents afterward. That's one of the things I'm trying to see as positive right now—the opportunity to enjoy things with my kids that my husband normally ruins by being so distracted and short-tempered. (He's a major grouch these days and you never know who you're going to get when you say something as simple as "Hello" to him.) Anyway, last night after the kids were in bed, I had to do some work on my computer, and he was in the living room playing a video game. When I came in the living room and it looked like there was a good time in the game to approach him, I asked when we might start planning the garden. He said he was thinking about not planting this year. And of course, all my 180 principles went out the window and I got a little upset, asking what he meant by that (like we're not going to be in our home this year? What? What?). He said he meant that there were so many weeds in our garden bed and he was going to have to do a lot of work to plant. Having been through such a bad bout with postpartum depression myself, I know my husband is in a lot of pain right now, and when you're depressed, everything, like pulling a bunch of weeds to plant a garden, feels like effort. He said he actually had been thinking about the garden, and getting it done before the end of the month, and that he probably would plant some things, and take our 3-year-old to the garden center. I know it sounds sweet that he wants to spend time with our 3-year-old, but he does this because he does not want to do anything as a family right now. It [censored]. I am trying to be sympathetic to whatever my husband is going through (pretty sure he's been confiding in a female co-worker who's not exactly a threat because she's married with three small children of her own and totally not his type, but anything can happen right? After all, I watch Lifetime!) But I am getting tired of walking on eggshells and worrying what he's thinking when I have two small daughters to care for and a part-time job working from home. Tonight my mother-in-law is keeping our 3-year-old overnight and our 1-year-old goes to bed by 7. In the old days of our marriage that would mean we would plan to spend time together, and while I'm trying to keep "positive expectations" I know he'll probably work on his computer then play video games. I guess, again, in the spirit of small goals, my husband has started sleeping in our bed again instead of on the couch, so that's something.
M:38 H:41 M: 6y D4 D1 BD 2/14 IDLY H moved out 10/31
Not sure how to provide background on my current situation. Basically my husband is 40, I'm 34, and we have two adorable little girls, 1 and 3. I battled depression early on in our marriage after a job loss and the death of a close friend, then we had the children and both times I battled postpartum depression. I got help each time, but I didn't go on medication right away because I was breast-feeding and was worried how it would affect the baby. I finally went on medication a year ago and it has TRANSFORMED my life, but my husband has been acting like it's too late. He kicked off this year by being really distant and he spends a lot of time chatting online with his married female boss. (I know, not a good sign). He has not moved out, but whenever I initiate a relationship talk, I get the "I don't love you anymore" speech. It is so hard to go about my day, be a good mom, maintain the house and work part-time in the face of that, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I haven't posted anything for a while but have been reading other people's posts, with particular interest in those of us with small children. How can our husbands turn our lives upside down during the most critical development time in our children's lives? I don't know how many times he got mad at me during the postpartum depression and said to just "suck it up." I even had a close family friend tell me to "snap out of it." Why can't he just "suck it up" right now?
What really makes me mad is so many of us women (sorry to exclude the men that are on here) are being so painstakingly careful to tiptoe around our husbands, to do our 180s and not pursue or do anything seen as pursuing. Yet these are the guys who PROMISED to love us in sickness and in health and in good times and bad. I guess I'm trying to look at this phase as my husband's own "sickness" period, but OMG, why aren't our husbands on a website reading about how to be better husbands? Why wasn't my husband reading about how to deal with postpartum depression? I'm sorry for the rant. Had to vent!
M:38 H:41 M: 6y D4 D1 BD 2/14 IDLY H moved out 10/31
Today I nearly had a meltdown when I asked H about coming to a get together with some friends of mine this coming weekend. My friends and I all have small children around the same age and have known each other since childhood and one is going to be in town from Seattle, so we thought it would be nice to get together with our kids and husbands. But no! Of course! He mumbled something about not being sure if he could go. Don't want to give me false hope or the kids false hope that we're actually a family! I mean, if my H doesn't love me anymore, why doesn't he just leave? I'm so sick of doing separate parenting activities with him when we're not actually separated. I hate that I have to be SO NERVOUS to ask him to join me and the children at events, like I'm the school nerd asking the captain of the football team to the dance or something. This guy is supposed to be my husband! I'm not supposed to feel this way around him! I want this pit in my stomach to go away!
My IC said I should make it clear that divorce is not an option for me and if that's what he wants, I will not assist him in any way to facilitate the process. In the meantime, I should work on myself (not easy to do while living with all this pain and feeling like my H is tormenting me constantly, asking me to watch TV with him one night, saying 'I don't love you' the next). My question—When does H start working on HIMSELF? Why am I doing all the work?
So tired of carrying this load.
M:38 H:41 M: 6y D4 D1 BD 2/14 IDLY H moved out 10/31
so sorry for what you are going through. i would be careful, however, to lump the genders into one barrel. look at my thread and that will show the the shoe can be on the other foot. that said, sounds like he's being an a*hole. have you thought about letting him initiate any contact? after a while he will start to notice that you are not there being his cheerleader and he will miss it. i will pray that all these spouses will come to their senses before its too late!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
I'm so sorry you find yourself here, and that you are going through this. It's so tough, especially with little kids.
I urge you--like, urgently urge you!-- to read DR. MWD has literally saved my sense of self and pride. You have a lot of anger right now... but there is another way to look at it-- your H has not left yet!! You have such a great opportunity to show your best self.
Why do you have to do all the work? Well, you are the one here on a marriage saving website. He's not. Yes, you have to do all the work right now. Not forever, but for now.
Because, also-- doing that work, doing your 180s, digging deep and looking at yourself-- will be life-changing. I get how debilitating PPD can be. Be mindful about using that as a way to avoid looking deep within yourself. Re-read through your last few posts--what things can you can work on within yourself that have nothing to do with PPD?
Thanks Bravo and Claire. I so appreciate the support. It looks like I might need to be here more than I thought I did—if anything to at least save myself, whether my marriage survives or not.
Sorry for lumping genders together Bravo. I didn't mean to come across so angry. That's definitely not who I am. I still have a lot of work to do, so it's probably good that I'm still here.
M:38 H:41 M: 6y D4 D1 BD 2/14 IDLY H moved out 10/31
Stick with it- it's so worth it, imo. You complimented me on my strength-- I credit this forum and my DB coach for giving me that courage. (And personally, I've found the newcomers board most helpful in terms of keeping me focused on the right thing-- me).
No one IRL-- friends, family, IC-- have been able to frame it for me in the same way as the DB community: I need to detach, GAL, focus on my own growth and change... and i can still having hope and not give up on my M. It is not easy, that's for sure. But the inner peace, and the compliments I've received from everyone (including H and MIL) let me know I am on the right path.
