My Sitch: my H and myself have been married 16 yrs, and like any marriage have had ups and downs. But, nothing I would have ever thought would constitute him hiding an affair with a good friend of mine, as well as the mother of one of my sons good friends that he attends High school with! I don't even know this man anymore..he has said some of the meanest things I've ever heard since I've discovered there affair and 100% supported everything she's said (she said if I wasn't so fat maybe my husband wouldn't have had to pursue her) and done to me! I've caught them in a hotel, and him at her house with her kids when I gave him the opportunity to stay with his son and several other lies I've caught him in! At first he kept saying he just wanted to work this out without attorneys and just be separated..but feel like I was forced to file divorce because he kept threatening me by saying I would get nothing and kept lying about what he was doing and putting this HW before his son. He let her file a stalking order against me by all false accusations (obviously was dismissed) knowing that it would keep me from doing any school activities with our son because she would be there. He blames this whole thing on me but I've been a faithful wife and as sick as it sounds I still love my husband very much, and miss him being at home with his son and I. He blames it on me not losing weight, and not showing enough affection, nagging about helping around house, says I treat him like a child, a pre-existing health condition that could eventually have some affect on me and the list just keeps going! He won't take any responsibility for anything he's done..why? It kills me to know he's with this "friend" putting her before his family! She was married just as long but with three kids and a very sick husband, how can he claim to love somebody that would do that to a husband that is basically knocking on Death's door and leaves her kids home alone all night to be with my husband? She hasn't worked a day in her life, doesn't have any type of education she didn't even graduate High school it obvious she was looking to provide a better life for herself by taking my husband that can provide her a better life without her still having to get a job! What do I do...I want my husband back! FYI.. I did buy the book DB still eagerly waiting for it to arrive
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Hopefully you will receive the Divorce Busting book today. In the mean time. You might want to look at some of Michele Weiner-Davis' YouTube videos. Also, I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach. You are at a very tricky time and need to know that your words and actions are backed by expert advice. Call me to discuss our program- 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thank you for your response...I initially thought I would do coaching but with the cost of my divorce there is no way I can afford it right now...so I thought the book would be a good start! But I'm just ready for this to be over and its only just begun
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Hang in there. Your still on moderation so your posts are not hitting in real time yet. Post small updates often and and you will be off moderation soon. I am no expert here but there are a ton of awesome people that can help you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
H has been wanting to talk, as well as I about splitting assets without Attorneys involved but as I was on my way to the gym this Am saw H driving the HW from the place they stay together and it just infuriated me! She meets him at our business when he's done working and they drive to the place he's staying during the divorce then he brings her back in the morning!! All while her kids are at home alone all night! And I'm at home taking care of our son! I've been advised meeting with him would be a horrible idea..he's lied about so many things up to this point how could I believe him wanting to split anything with me and following through? Part of me misses him so much I just want an excuse to see him! But he texted me right after I saw the two of them together...I ignored it, he texted again to find out what time we could meet and wanted to meet at 4:30 which I knew would give him enough time to talk and make it back in time to get HW and take to his place. So I texted him back I couldn't do it now and I don't want to interfere with his taxi time driving her around..and understand he has other priorities and his family understands! I know I shouldn't have said that...and now he's pissed again at me and just said ok, he tried and he got the answer he needed! Not sure what he means by that? I hate this emotional Roller Coaster..I just want him back!! Should I stop talking to him all together?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
I know exactly what you are going through. My husband did the same thing, the affair. I know it's tempting to throw things back at him, especially when you see them together. But try not. Try not to talk to him at all. I wish I would've found this site sooner than I did, I really think I would be back with my husband sorting stuff out. The worst thing you can do after an affair is be very mean about it. I'm not saying you have no right to be mad or upset, but by acting a certain way shows a side of you your spouse has never seen before. Don't talk to him for a few days. You need to clear your mind. Think about you and your son. Because no matter what happens, your son will realize what your husband has done, and it will hurt him.
It's going to be a long road. It's been a month since I found out about my husbands affair, and I can't even think about it or I will go crazy. Take it one day at a time, and it's okay to cry. We're here for you.
Saw H at our sons football game last night, he decided to bring the Hw along with my in-laws...why and how could they support her? Our son specifically asked his dad not to bring her around and that's the first thing he does!I don't know how to handle all this..or what to tell my son? I dont want that example of a relationship built on lies around him. My In-laws try to justify there actions by buying thing for our son and taking him fun places..that I just cant afford!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Saw H at our sons football game last night, he decided to bring the Hw along with my in-laws...why and how could they support her? Our son specifically asked his dad not to bring her around and that's the first thing he does!I don't know how to handle all this..or what to tell my son? I dont want that example of a relationship built on lies around him. My In-laws try to justify there actions by buying thing for our son and taking him fun places..that I just cant afford!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Just wanted to let you know you are being heard. Many others are in a situation similar to yours. However, here's the basics.
What do you need to do to work on you?
List here, in detail, what you believe you have done to contribute to your H's behavior. This doesn't condone it, but it does give you a good place to start. And the veterans on the board can give you pointers.
I am very sorry to hear that the in-laws are somehow turning a blind eye or are being supportive of your H's actions. Ignore them until they reach out to you, and let your son know that they may be just as confused by your H's actions as you are. Do not place blame.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
That must be so hard to deal with , I have similar problems and all I keep thinking is patience patience patience . And utmost restraint to not say or do anything stupid .
So be patient and be strong .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
I know im far from perfect, and have issues that I've been working on, but it seems like one step forward two steps back!When I was pregnant with our son 16 yrs ago I had put on quite a bit of weight..and my husband would tell me "You had 8 months to put on the weight so you have 8 months to take it off" !Ever Since,I have struggled with my weight, never fully feeling comfortable being intimate with him or even getting dressed up to go out, or being around friends I thought had better figures than me! He would always tell me how unfair it was to him because when we met I was petite! I never made it a priority to take care of myself I believe in turn making him unattracted to me. Being that im a mom I always feel like our son would take priority over our needs as husband and wife, and would feel so quilty if we did anything without him. Therefore we never went anywhere without him! I figured after he graduated high school we would get our together time!I have always been one if I have issues or problems I bury them and dont want to talk with him because he would bring up the same issues everytime..he says he feels like I make him feel like Im his mom not his wife, not sure what that means? This may seem like a small issue but when you have to do the same tasks day after day I would expect my family to notice I need help and just help instead of me having to ask, so when I would ask they will say I nag all the time!I enjoy doing things with my family and he doesn't and I've resented him for that because his parents always took priority because financially we felt like we owed them our time. I've resented him for several things..and of course not fully tell him my feelings. I wanted more children but he said not until I lost weight, I wanted an actual wedding instead of a Vegas wedding. Even though I never actually told him how important those things were in my life and felt as though they had been robbed from me, he could sense I was always upset about it!But never have I loved him any less because of that..I feel like I gave up talking about it because it upset him! This D is getting out of control..and I feel like I will never have my husband back in my life and Im so sad! Im really trying to start taking care of myself but feel like it may be to late! Has anybody gone through a nasty D and end up reconciling?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Thank you..im trying!Something about seeing the two of them together just makes my blood boil, because just weeks ago it was her and I doing things together and I still got to come home to my husband! Now she has him and neither show any remorse! Sorry about your situation as well..I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!"
Boy can I relate.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thank you..im trying!Something about seeing the two of them together just makes my blood boil, because just weeks ago it was her and I doing things together and I still got to come home to my husband! Now she has him and neither show any remorse! Sorry about your situation as well..I cant fathom putting anybody in this much heartache and not feeling guilty!
This causes me heartache just reading it. My heart aches and my wife is no where at all looking for an OM. To have that added sting that you know her wow. I completely agree and think it all the time. HOw can someone who once loved me (even professing it in text with me and on FB days before the walkaway) not think about the pain this causes.
The only advice I have would be for you to work on you. I am starting to belive that the best way for DB to work is for you to actual work it. Starting loving you for you. The happier you are with yourself thhe more the confidence will be seen as attractive to you H. Im no expert just as speaking from a guys perspective. My W had gained alot of weight due to health issues and early menopause. I always complimented her on the way she looked and on days when she was happy with her weight I was even more attracted to her. Will keep you in my prays.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
CMS...Thank you so much for the prayers and reminder that I need to just focus on myself. It's so true that days when I felt more confident in myself and maybe had lost a few pounds...our chemistry was much stronger! The last text I got from my friend was "Maybe if you weren't so fat your husband wouldn't have to pursue other women...you fat B****" those words will always be ingrained in my memory! And when I showed my husband he just said "you must have said something to provoke her to say that" and totally deffended her! That hurt the most, coming from the man I've loved and supported for 16 yrs!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"Maybe if you weren't so fat your husband wouldn't have to pursue other women...you fat B****"
I'm so sorry for you. Not much of a friend. I've got some knife twisting pain going on in my situation so I can completely relate. Your emotions will roller coaster all over the place. My wife gained a lot of weight with our two children and never could shake it and I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Especially because of all her body went through for our kids.
If you seek prayer please feel free to visit our prayer circle thread on the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy forum. I will add you to my prayers tonight.
Stay strong and don't give up no matter how dark it gets or how crappy you feel.
(((intime)))
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe..I constantly find myself thinking about everything they have done and said and what if I would have just not said anything to my H about all the calls they were making to each other...maybe we would still be together?
The only thing I have found that really takes my mind off them is spending time with my son, but he will be spending every other week with my H starting today. What have you found if anything that helps take your mind off everything?
I want to ask my H so bad why he acts like I should just be accepting of this situation, and should I just pretend that its normal to see that my family of 16 yrs have just welcomed this HW without any question? My stomach is constantly turning and I find myself crying over the stupidest things!
So I guess there is an upside to this whole thing..I have lost almost 30 lbs since this whole ordeal started. I hope the knife twisting will eventually end for the both of us and anybody else going through the same sitch!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
"Jefe..I constantly find myself thinking about everything they have done and said and what if I would have just not said anything to my H about all the calls they were making to each other...maybe we would still be together?"
I often wish I had never picked up the phone and looked, then she wouldn't have left, or would she have? We both stood up for what was right. God would not have allowed us to have the knowledge and not do anything about it for long. Our marriages were already lost we just didn't know it yet. Don't blame yourself you didn't do this. We can talk about our "contributions" to the downfall at another opportunity.
"The only thing I have found that really takes my mind off them is spending time with my son, but he will be spending every other week with my H starting today. What have you found if anything that helps take your mind off everything?"
I wish I had the answers here. I still suffer too. I can say this, please find yourself something to do on the weeks the kiddo is with H. Maybe something new you've always wanted to do, or a Zumba class, or something that makes you feel pretty, anything but sitting in the house alone with your thoughts and tears.
"I want to ask my H so bad why he acts like I should just be accepting of this situation, and should I just pretend that its normal to see that my family of 16 yrs have just welcomed this HW without any question? My stomach is constantly turning and I find myself crying over the stupidest things!"
He's in a self-will fueled fog. He would't/couldn't answer you if you tried. This is just the territory for the LBS. The crying is normal. I still breakdown almost daily. But it gets better, I promise.
"So I guess there is an upside to this whole thing..I have lost almost 30 lbs since this whole ordeal started. I hope the knife twisting will eventually end for the both of us and anybody else going through the same sitch!"
Seems to be another LBS trait, the awesome sleep depraved, stress induced weight loss. I'm down at least 30 pounds myself. Eat healthy (healthier at least) and don't focus on it too much. I would just love to get a full 8 hours sleep in one 24hr period instead of the 8 hours I get spread over 3 days. This to ebbs and flows but in an upward fashion. It get better. Stay strong!
PS, what is HW? I know you're referring to the other woman but what exactly is it?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
If you hadn't found out about the affair, then you'd be in a sham marriage, and you deserve better than that. This is an opportunity for growth for you and to discover what you really need and want in a relationship and work on things that will help you be a better partner as well. That's the only thing that you can do in your current state right now, so no point fretting and lamenting about what might have been. Keep your chin up!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
"HW" is Home Wrecker! Thank you for such wonderful advice...I appreciate you taking the time to respond! Yeah, this whole sleep deprived thing is getting old!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Ahoy..yes thats true but I just wish it could have happened differently and not with a good friend of mine! Maybe we could have been doing this whole divorce more civil! I wish not at all..even though Im the one that filed! Chin up..at the moment thanks to all you!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Intime, I feel for you, it is a double betrayal when it is a friend. My HW was also a mutual friend who knew exactly what was going on with my illness and surgeries.
I didn't tell anyone about HW and H's PA and since she is close to everyone in our circle, I often had to listen to anecdotes about her, often had to answer questions about why I wasn't inviting her over anymore. I had to make stuff up, I was lying to protect him (to make it easier for him to come home) and ended up protecting her, too.
On the other side of that, I often had to listen to well-meaning friends try to warn me that perhaps H left me for OW, because the two of them were acting so odd together... and then I had to distract them, change the subject, or outright lie... "No, they're just good friends! She's a good kid."
My H did some very cruel and stupid things. He hurt me terribly. And yet... you read enough threads on this forum and you realize there is a world of hurt we haven't even touched, much less experienced. For example, I don't know how I could've survived this with two small children. I can't imagine how you are getting through this.
You are going through a tough time! Be compassionate for yourself, for what you are feeling. Remind yourself that it is painful, but it won't last forever. Hang in there! And listen to the vets who give you advice. They are spot on!
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Sorry to be late to this thread. None of us expected these sorts of things to happen to us, but so many common threads it's amazing to me. I found out from text messages on the phone bill. What Jefe is saying is what I've been through and seen. I too lost weight, 25# in 20 days. W said to me the other day that I was looking thin and I should eat more so I wouldn't need a new wardrobe!!!
Best advice is what you've already heard. Focus on you and the boy. Detach from H. "Let it go" is what a friend drilled into me. A little more every day. You want to get back at them, Let It Go. Everytime I want to snoop, Let It Go. When I wonder if she's really shopping or with OM, Let It Go. You can only work on you, your H may or may not come around, but you will be a better, healthier person with or without him. You must be, for your son.
One night after a weekend of family pictures at church, followed by S3 3rd b-day party, then dinner with in-laws for W b-day, I got home that Sunday evening and just took off running, like Forrest Gump. Of course I did more walking than running, and eventually went back home, but now I run every other night. Take my boys 5 and 3 for walks almost nightly. Use the pain to motivate you forward. We all will survive, even with as much as it hurts now. Lots of good people on this board to help. God bless.
Me: 37, W: 36 S6, S3 M: 8 T:11 Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14 Began DB: 9/20/14 W "ended" 1st A repeatedly Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14
Its so hard to let it go when you have the constant battle of the back and forth with attorneys. I feel like this Divorce is fueled by trying to seek revenge on both sides! I've been literally sick to my stomach over the details of this divorce..its not my intentions to hurt my H, but feel like the attorneys are just doing there jobs trying to represent us and in the meantime I'm emotionally getting beatdown! And the constant reminder of having to see them together at my sons school events! Or driving by our business and she is there. Unfortunately I have to drive by the business everyday to get to work!
I'm not sure how to approach the issue that our son had asked his father not to bring her around and a coiple times now he has intentinally brought her! I try to support my sons wishes but telling his dad he's disrespecting his sons wishes, but then my son tells his dad he's not mad about it! Do I just not say anything about him bringing her around? Our son tells me one thing and his dad another!
And my in-laws who have been like 2nd parents to me won't even speak to me, and have totally accepted the HW into there family! I don't know if my H has informed them of our sons wishes of not having the HW around, I feel like they wouldn't support her if they knew that? But there are details in our D that could affect them financially so maybe they as well are supporting her because they feel like it's revenge in a sense?? I miss them all so much!
Im not sure how to just let go of people I have loved so much for twenty yrs and just forget all the hurtful words and actions? I don't want to make them feel that way..why are they doing this to me?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Tonight was another hard night, H brought HW to our sons last game of the season and didn't even come talk to his son after game was over! I thought we had a little breakthrough yesterday at mediation, and he agreed to do some work on my car. Which I really appreciated and told him so! I just can't seem to stop getting little digs in about the HW, I know I need to stop but it's so hard for me to see what he sees in her?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
I know I need to stop but it's so hard for me to see what he sees in her?
I think we would all like the answer to that .
My W has left the family home and also our children to be with a guy who has no real future . He cheated on his own W who had 3 kids many years ago and appears to be a serial cheat . He has recently been homeless living in his van and where he works . Earns a third of what I do . Is a complete pussy I know this because every time I caught them together he would run to get friends and threaten to get people to beat me up . So he is a real catch but she says she is in love with him and can't give bring with him up. Suppose it must be his silver tounge .
I have given up thinking about it and it helped me a great deal with detaching .
So just try to put HW out of your mind . I know it's hard but it does get easier .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
I don't feel like this is getting easier..my H and myself had a mediation about parenting time last week where everything went good I thought. And I was able to express to him that our son is very confused and it would be best to not bring her around. My son just returned home from weekend with dad and my in laws and apprently she spent the whole weekend with them as well! So upset... I just cant help but to feel my whole family has replaced me!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
So..it's been like one week since my H and I have spoke...this is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done! I'm really not sure how long I can do this, I catch myself constantly thinking of the two of them together! How do I get them out of my head? And still my in-laws have had no contact with me but they continue to buy gifts for my son and tell him they love me..but won't talk to me...So confused! How do I let my son spend time with them knowing they support this new relationship with the HW...and basically bribing him to be ok with the Sitch?
Will my H ever realize or care how much he has put his family through?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
I just checked in, I don't come to this site much anymore. You ask valid questions, but you may never get answers from your H. Did you read Sandi's 37 Rules? Print them out and follow them. Even though the D is grinding on.
The most important thing to do is GAL (Get A Life)! Your life revolves around your son it seems. Make some time for you. Join a club, take a class, do something you have always wanted to. Or maybe something you aren't sure about, but someone else suggests.
I learned to meditate. I took yoga classes and they do a little meditation at the end. Very powerful for getting that anxiety in check. Read as many of other peoples threads as you can. Go back and read some from the beginning. All the answers are there.
Make sure you are getting enough sleep, and eating right. Take care.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wenikitiki...Thank you for a response! I have read the rules several times but still find this whole process to be mentally draining. I don't even want a divorce and not only did I file for it but now it just seems to be driven by retaliation from both sides. I just want to tell my H I can't do this anymore! And my H and the OW have each other for support and I feel so alone in this process!
I have been trying to GAL spending much more time with my family and at the gym. I will be joining a new kind of gym that's totally out of my comfort zone, but maybe just what I need!
My son is a priority for me and really right now while my H and his family are sending so many mixed messages, by involving ow in his life and buying him expensive stuff. I feel like I once again I'm on my own with making sure he is shown how to live an honest life without bribing , cheating or manipulation!
I have been trying to read more posts and it's sad to see so many people struggling with a lot of the same type of pain, but encouraging as well to know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you again for your response!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Well Intime it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep setting a good example for your son. My sister lost her husband to a heart attack a few years ago. Her motto is: "Keep doing the next right thing." That works for us as well in crazy life transitions.
Aloha!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
WenikiTiki, Love the motto! Im really trying to do the right things but gosh it sure is a battle some days! I really struggle the days my son is with his dad or the weekends im home alone! I read some of your posts and sounds like we had some similarities in our stories...I'm sorry! I kinda got a little chuckle..because one of the statments my H said to me that is the worst justification of his affair was "It's your fault for being friends with her and bringing her around" I believe your H said something similar! All I can say is WOW..where do they come up with this stuff?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
What is funny and sad all at the same time is that all the stories have a lot of "script" in them. The most famous being "I love you but I'm not in love with you". And we just can't make this stuff up.
Well, the stories are complex. But we just need to get out of there way and let them use their own brains. And if they have an OW puppet master, still get out of the way and let them figure out if they are grown men or just picking a different mommy! Because who want to be mommy to a grown adult child?
Did you try the new gym yet? OK,
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
WenikiTiki..oh yes I got that one as well "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Well, I really hope it eased his mind telling me that while he's sleeping with my friend!
I'm slowly getting out of the way hopefully he's not completly brain washed by the OW and will eventually realize what he's losing or maybe even lost by the time this divorce is over! I'm pretty sure the OW would love to be his mommy, she's quite a bit older than him and would do just about anything to get into his family, for financial reasons mostly! She's proved what type of morals she has, it sad to think I was actually her friend. How did I not see or hear the signs?? Maybe I did, but just didn't want to think a friend or husband would be capable of causing so much devistation to the people that love them!
Haha..im still working up the courage to try the new gym! Hopefully by the end of this week. These people are serious STUDS..like olympic level weight lifters. And here's me needing to lose 45 lbs but I really don't care..I think it will be great motivation being around such dedicated people! WenikiTiki..I appreciate your input so much and am greatful to have such great advise from people that have gone through the same heartache and survived!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Rough day again..I just miss my husband so much! I saw him yesterday for a few minutes so he could pay his child support and I still get butterflies every time I see him, but I'm still so upset with him also! My son said he asked about me the other day wanted to know how much weight I lost and how I was doing! Why can't he just ask me that? He still won't text or call for anything unless it's in regards to money or our son! My son and I got into an argument last night about the OW, I asked him if she comes around on his Dads time with him if he would just call me to come get him. Because I don't believe right now is the time for him to be exposed to there new relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend..instead of my friend and my husband. He says he doesn't want to be in the middle of it and just wants us both to be happy. Unfortunately..I won't be happy if he's being forced to spend time with the two of them just for the sake of his dad's selfish happiness! He doesn't understand he can have an opinion but doesn't want to upset either of us so he just plays middle ground! I'm not just asking him to not be around her because of the circumstances but because I've found out she is doing some very undesirable work to help support herself until I'm sure my husband I are divorced! As well as her being a horrible role model as to what a significant other should be, she's also a horrible mother and by no means do I want that as an example for my son! Unfortunately his dad is in the same boat as far as being a horrid example of a husband and father at this time in his life, but all I can do is just explain to him that the choices he's making are wrong! Which he also gets upset about..do I just stop talking to my son about this all together or what?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
I guess your posting is timely for me. I was thinking today about how most of my anger was placed on OW in my case. Who I still think of as a low-life scum of the earth type. (Maybe I am a little biased....) But anyway I have come to realize that my X was acting pretty scummy himself. When I tried to reason with him (Silly Me!) and asked him why it was okay for him to sleep with someone else's wife, my X actually replied: "Well, he is an idiot!" Okay, so that makes it alright.....
But I do think you should not talk to your son about it. Which is hard. I try not to talk to my sons about their dad and as I call her SOW (Sociopath Other Woman). Your son is your son, he will never be her son. When you find yourself wanting to say anything to him about her, picture a big red STOP sign, and STOP! Say to yourself STOP! And change to a nice positive topic.
This may well be one of the hardest things to do. I have complete faith you can do it.
Aloha!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Picked my son up from his friends house and the daughter of the OW was there. I feel like everybody is working against me to make sure my husband and the OW relationship works out! My sons friends parents happen to be friends with the OW..this is such a tangled web! Then I saw a text from my husband asking our son how his "Sis" was doing..meaning the OW daughter! I'm so pissed...why are they playing these mind games with the kids?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
OMG, I am so sorry. I will never understand why people have to become so damn cruel to someone they once couldn't fathom the thought of living without. It just does not compute with me.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me either Jefe! I can't stop crying because I love my H so dearly and my son, I couldn't fathom causing either of them this much pain! With the feedback Ive gotten it sounds like I shouldn't speak to either of them about my feelings because they will both just get pushed further away. I feel like I'm in my own prison of hurt feelings a broken heart and confusion and there's no way out! This last little incident calling her "sis" really upset me..I feel so hopeless!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Wenikitiki..I don't have much faith in myself right now and feel like anything I say or do is wrong and I'm just pushing both my H and son further away by saying anything at all! I'm really trying to talk less about the OW, but situations keep presenting themselves and I find it very hard to not try to clarify why this is so wrong to my son! Thank you for the bits of encouragement. .I really needed that right now! Im going to work on picturing the big red STOP sign and see if that helps!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Well today was my birthday and while I enjoyed time with my family..I was very saddened that after being with my husband and his family for the past 20 years this was the first birthday where none of them thought to wish me a Happy Birthday!
I will make sure to be the bigger person and wish them all a Happy Birthday when their day comes!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
While I'm slowly making progress...by which I mean having more than a few seconds of thought free from my H and our situation. I'm still missing him like crazy with no signs of him even caring about me one smidgen! I still just don't get it?
We did meet for a parenting meeting where he tried to make a ridiculous settlement offer, and said If I didn't accept it they would fight me! They meaning his wealthy parents and him against me. I wish I could just settle but the offer he was making would prevent me from adequately providing a decent place to live for our son and myself! He thinks he can just throw some ridiculous amount of money at me and I should take it and just get out of his life!
How is it fair that he wanted all this and I'm the one having to make all the sacrifices? I've lost my family, my husband, the dreams we had of our future together, a friend, our house and all the memories to be of our family?
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Like them cheating on us wasn't hurtfull enough, they just want to twist that knife a little further into our backs!
Well it's their concious they will have to live with..pretty sad if you ask me,I couldn't live with that.
I just hate that it's a dispute at all, it could be so simple if he didn't want to leave me with practically nothing! And It's very intimidating when it's them against me, but im trying really hard to hold my ground and let my attorney handle what he can!
M:37 H: 38 Married 16/ T20 Son: 16 Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14 Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Thank you again for your response!