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If you hadn't found out about the affair, then you'd be in a sham marriage, and you deserve better than that. This is an opportunity for growth for you and to discover what you really need and want in a relationship and work on things that will help you be a better partner as well. That's the only thing that you can do in your current state right now, so no point fretting and lamenting about what might have been. Keep your chin up!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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intime Offline OP
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"HW" is Home Wrecker! Thank you for such wonderful advice...I appreciate you taking the time to respond! Yeah, this whole sleep deprived thing is getting old!


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 31
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intime Offline OP
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Ahoy..yes thats true but I just wish it could have happened differently and not with a good friend of mine! Maybe we could have been doing this whole divorce more civil! I wish not at all..even though Im the one that filed! Chin up..at the moment thanks to all you!


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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HW = Home Wrecker - I love it!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Intime, I feel for you, it is a double betrayal when it is a friend. My HW was also a mutual friend who knew exactly what was going on with my illness and surgeries.

I didn't tell anyone about HW and H's PA and since she is close to everyone in our circle, I often had to listen to anecdotes about her, often had to answer questions about why I wasn't inviting her over anymore. I had to make stuff up, I was lying to protect him (to make it easier for him to come home) and ended up protecting her, too.

On the other side of that, I often had to listen to well-meaning friends try to warn me that perhaps H left me for OW, because the two of them were acting so odd together... and then I had to distract them, change the subject, or outright lie... "No, they're just good friends! She's a good kid."

My H did some very cruel and stupid things. He hurt me terribly. And yet... you read enough threads on this forum and you realize there is a world of hurt we haven't even touched, much less experienced. For example, I don't know how I could've survived this with two small children. I can't imagine how you are getting through this.

You are going through a tough time! Be compassionate for yourself, for what you are feeling. Remind yourself that it is painful, but it won't last forever. Hang in there! And listen to the vets who give you advice. They are spot on!


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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Sorry to be late to this thread. None of us expected these sorts of things to happen to us, but so many common threads it's amazing to me. I found out from text messages on the phone bill. What Jefe is saying is what I've been through and seen. I too lost weight, 25# in 20 days. W said to me the other day that I was looking thin and I should eat more so I wouldn't need a new wardrobe!!!

Best advice is what you've already heard. Focus on you and the boy. Detach from H. "Let it go" is what a friend drilled into me. A little more every day. You want to get back at them, Let It Go. Everytime I want to snoop, Let It Go. When I wonder if she's really shopping or with OM, Let It Go. You can only work on you, your H may or may not come around, but you will be a better, healthier person with or without him. You must be, for your son.

One night after a weekend of family pictures at church, followed by S3 3rd b-day party, then dinner with in-laws for W b-day, I got home that Sunday evening and just took off running, like Forrest Gump. Of course I did more walking than running, and eventually went back home, but now I run every other night. Take my boys 5 and 3 for walks almost nightly. Use the pain to motivate you forward. We all will survive, even with as much as it hurts now. Lots of good people on this board to help. God bless.


Me: 37, W: 36
S6, S3
M: 8
T:11
Discovered 1st A: 9/3/14
Began DB: 9/20/14
W "ended" 1st A repeatedly
Discovered at least 3 more A's, filed 10/29/14

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
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Its so hard to let it go when you have the constant battle of the back and forth with attorneys. I feel like this Divorce is fueled by trying to seek revenge on both sides! I've been literally sick to my stomach over the details of this divorce..its not my intentions to hurt my H, but feel like the attorneys are just doing there jobs trying to represent us and in the meantime I'm emotionally getting beatdown! And the constant reminder of having to see them together at my sons school events! Or driving by our business and she is there. Unfortunately I have to drive by the business everyday to get to work!

I'm not sure how to approach the issue that our son had asked his father not to bring her around and a coiple times now he has intentinally brought her! I try to support my sons wishes but telling his dad he's disrespecting his sons wishes, but then my son tells his dad he's not mad about it! Do I just not say anything about him bringing her around? Our son tells me one thing and his dad another!

And my in-laws who have been like 2nd parents to me won't even speak to me, and have totally accepted the HW into there family! I don't know if my H has informed them of our sons wishes of not having the HW around, I feel like they wouldn't support her if they knew that? But there are details in our D that could affect them financially so maybe they as well are supporting her because they feel like it's revenge in a sense?? I miss them all so much!

Im not sure how to just let go of people I have loved so much for twenty yrs and just forget all the hurtful words and actions? I don't want to make them feel that way..why are they doing this to me?


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 31
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Tonight was another hard night, H brought HW to our sons last game of the season and didn't even come talk to his son after game was over! I thought we had a little breakthrough yesterday at mediation, and he agreed to do some work on my car. Which I really appreciated and told him so! I just can't seem to stop getting little digs in about the HW, I know I need to stop but it's so hard for me to see what he sees in her?


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Originally Posted By: intime
I know I need to stop but it's so hard for me to see what he sees in her?


I think we would all like the answer to that .

My W has left the family home and also our children to be with a guy who has no real future . He cheated on his own W who had 3 kids many years ago and appears to be a serial cheat . He has recently been homeless living in his van and where he works . Earns a third of what I do . Is a complete pussy I know this because every time I caught them together he would run to get friends and threaten to get people to beat me up .
So he is a real catch but she says she is in love with him and can't give bring with him up.
Suppose it must be his silver tounge .

I have given up thinking about it and it helped me a great deal with detaching .

So just try to put HW out of your mind . I know it's hard but it does get easier .


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
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I don't feel like this is getting easier..my H and myself had a mediation about parenting time last week where everything went good I thought. And I was able to express to him that our son is very confused and it would be best to not bring her around. My son just returned home from weekend with dad and my in laws and apprently she spent the whole weekend with them as well! So upset... I just cant help but to feel my whole family has replaced me!


M:37 H: 38
Married 16/ T20
Son: 16
Caught cheating with HW (also my good friend) 8/20/14
Papers delivered: 9/4/14
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