So its been a really hard few days with a gut ripping reality check.
The most difficult of all has been having to properly face up to and accept that I did this.
Over the last 3 years I have sulked like a petulant child. Rather than rejoicing in the fantastic woman i married and the beautiful kids she has given me, I instead sulked that she wasnt showing me she loved me, sulked that I wasnt the focus of her attention regardless of the stress and grief in her life, sulked that she had loved other people before me, sulked that when she said she was struggling she wasn't giving me the credit that i wanted.
And the more i sulked the more she resented me and so i sulked some more - only it started to be at more things like the fact we didnt go out or that i didn't like the clothes she bought the kids or how long she was taking to do her makeup. In the end even when i thought i was being nice by buying her new clothes that I knew she would like she would have just seen that as me trying to control her. Eventually it was too much for her and she could take it no longer and so when another man starting showing interest, treating her the way she deserves to be treated its no surprise she left.
Not only can i not believe i did this but i also cannot believe that i did not see it. I realise now that I have a deeply unpleasant side that is wrapped up somewhere between tremendous selfishness, massive insecurity and an overblown sense of entitlement. My fear of rejection caused my rejection.
I just want to thank you all for some of the stern words that have been said on here because i'm not sure without it I would have realised what a monserous person I had become to the woman I love. Someone called me a bully and I was, without ever realising. I now know that this is how she has since described me to friends and family and why she feels this is an escape.
Whilst I would love more than anything to get my wife back and be the man that she deserves, so that we can both have the family life that we wished for, I can see that after the damage I have done that is almost certainly impossible. I know this is not in keeping with DB'g but is what i have to accept.
I have apologised fully to my wife for my behaviour and I hope that one day she can forgive me, maybe even regain some respect for me but for now I just need to let her go and be the amazing woman she always has been.
This me does not deserve her.
Whilst it will not get my wife back there are changes I know I must make for me and the people I care about. someone who can do this to their wife cannot be a good example to their children
So the deep personality changes that I need to make - I must stop sulking - I can feel sad, I can feel rejected but when i do i must express this like a grown up and then concentrate on being thankful for the positives - I must stop avoiding conflict as this only leads to resentment which brings out the worst of me. To do this i will need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills - I must learn to love myself so that I can accept it when other people love me - I must learn to trust those that I love - to give them all of my heart without holding back and allowing the dark corners to fester and grow - I must stop caring about how much i didnt enjoy my childhood. That was a long time ago and shouldn't matter now - I must try to turn my anxieties about what could go wrong into excitement about the opportunity. focus on what is good not what has been lost - I must find a way to be assertive without controlling
Short term and immediate actions: - I must be supportive of her wish to leave. to make it as easy as possible for her. to make sure i am putting her happiness first. - I must find a release for my sadness and regret. In part so i can move on and in part so that she doesnt see it - I must be the best father to my kids i can possibly be (much more difficult when you're sad) - I must not argue with my W, I need to validate her opinions and be as supportive and constructive as possible - I must give her space and respect that she has found someone else because I pushed her away - I must not allow myself to sulk about anything. - I need to let the small stuff go. I dont actually care about the light fittings so I shouldnt argue
I am posting this here as I feel I need to say this loudly and clearly, in a place where I know there is honesty and integrity, so that it is there to always remind me . I have tried to tell my friends and family but they all have tried to talk me round, say its not my fault and blame my wife when this is clearly not the case. Yes there are ways in which she could have better helped me to see and break the cycle, but the problems were mine and she should not have to suffer any more.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
jim, i understand completely how you feel. i was that same person that you described. you have to realize, however, that anyone can change and that includes us. the mess you are in is horrible, but if you take small steps, you can get through this. so far as your attitude and fear of rejection, i have made a point every morning i wake up to tell myself that its going to be a great day. sure enough some days still suck, but some don't. look for the smallest thing everyday that is positive-be it an atta boy at work, a smile from a co-worker, or do something kind for a complete stranger. if, however, you wake up with the attitude that the day is gonna suck, you'll always be right. don't give up-stay the course-fight the good fight. you have an opportunity to show your children what real love is. the ablility to love others in spite of how they treat you is truly freeing. it sux but the first thing you have to get rid of are expectations and the what about me mentality. you are not alone. our sitch's closely parallel in our behavior (just not infidelity). DON'T GIVE UP!!! no one in history has ever accomplished anything without trying. isn't your family worth it? there are more than two options here-leaving and staying to be miserable. how bout staying and developing an amazing marriage. DON'T GIVE UP!!!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
...Whilst it will not get my wife back there are changes I know I must make for me and the people I care about.
...So the deep personality changes that I need to make
- I must stop avoiding conflict as this only leads to resentment which brings out the worst of me. To do this i will need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills
- I must learn to trust those that I love - to give them all of my heart without holding back and allowing the dark corners to fester and grow
- I must find a way to be assertive without controlling
Short term and immediate actions: - I must be supportive of her wish to leave. to make it as easy as possible for her. to make sure i am putting her happiness first. - I must find a release for my sadness and regret. In part so i can move on and in part so that she doesnt see it - I must be the best father to my kids i can possibly be (much more difficult when you're sad)
- I must give her space and respect that she has found someone else because I pushed her away
I am posting this here as I feel I need to say this loudly and clearly, in a place where I know there is honesty and integrity, so that it is there to always remind me .
Congratulations on your introspection and decision to change yourself. Don't completely write off any possibility of reconciliation with your wife.
A few thoughts.
Rather than focus on avoiding conflict, focus on how to responsibly work through conflict in an adult way that does not involve anger. One of the biggest challenges I would anticipate is something that was called "Flooding of emotions." When you become emotionally overwhelmed within a conflict situation, you tend to go into fight or flight mode and your rational brain can shut down. You might want to explore that topic. If you ever find yourself in such a situation you need to do a time out on yourself and tell someone that you have heard what they said but need time alone to process it and will come back to them when you have.
Learning to love is very important. May I suggest that you learn about "unconditional love." If you can learn how to give someone, like your children and your ex-W or next W unconditional love, they will be able to love you much easier.
For being assertive without controlling, you might want to read up on setting boundaries and becoming an integrated man as in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
As to supporting her wish to leave and be with someone else. I am not so sure. You should be supportive of her, show her love, disengage and not smother or push her, but......you might want to re-read DB about what you are suppose to do when you disengage.
As to releasing your sadness and regret. Well that is what GAL is about as well as becoming the best you, you can be. Also you may want to investigate how "affirmations" can be used as a self-hypnosis or way of communicating positive concepts between your conscious and subconscious.
As to being the best dad possible. Absolutely. In fact you might want to figure out how you can do that as part of your GAL. Things like bicycling, hiking, jogging/running, swimming, can all be GAL activities that you do by yourself or with others you care about.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I think a lot of my problems come from avoiding directly tackling a problem in a grown up constructive way and instead getting sulky and passive/aggressive. I think if I can control the defence mechanism and take the 'I need a minute and then can I check I understand' that will really help. Its going to be a new skill for me to learn though.
I will reread DB on the disengaging. Now its finally hit me what she's had to endure I can understand why she would leave. I wouldn't wish what Ive done on anyone let alone someone I love. If I change and somehow that saves my M then fantastic but I think I now I realise that I can't carry on being who I am and so change must happen regardless.
One step at a time....
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I will reread DB on the disengaging. Now its finally hit me what she's had to endure I can understand why she would leave. I wouldn't wish what Ive done on anyone let alone someone I love. If I change and somehow that saves my M then fantastic but I think I now I realise that I can't carry on being who I am and so change must happen regardless.
One step at a time....
Man, we can all learn a ton from this one statement. I know I can.
Doesn't stop the hurt, but once we can empathize, the S no longer looks like the bad guy.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
How do you good people do it? I'm going mad with the thoughts of how I wish I could go back and make this right and that I can rationally convince her that I get it now and the future will be different and how she wants it.
I know its detach, GAL, make me a better me etc.
Its hard when all I want is to hold her and tell her how sorry I am and for her to tell me its OK because I've got a lifetime to make it up to her.
Just needing an outlet for my feelings so writing here
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So sorry that you are going through this with the rest of us. I feel your pain and sentiments. I would give anything to go back and fix this. In my case, we weren't fundamentally broken. I was for the most part a good fiance. The only thing was that I had gained a few pounds recently and maybe we should have prioritized romance a bit more over the last 6-9 months, but certainly nothing awful to justify my total abandonment. That's the part that hurts the most - the fact that he has completely forgotten me and moved on and left me (his best friend) behind. I mean, what kind of person does that?
Sorry - didn't mean to start whining on your thread. Just wanted to let you know that I share your thoughts and frustrations.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
I spent some time today looking up flood of emotion and it really resonated. As I think about it I realise that when faced with negative emotion (and at quite low levels) a really strong fight or flight reflex kicks in. This has really undermined my ability to deal adultly with all kinds of issues.
I also read that something as simple as tapping myself on the shoulder might help me work through this. It was interesting stuff.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
