I agree - sounds like there is some regret there, rather than a final goodbye. BUT - it is common for WS to swing like a pendulum. One day thinking - this is the right decision - and then the next day - Oh no! Then back again etc.
So, I wouldn't set too much store by it. But good to see a chink of remorse creeping in there...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
These mixed signals can be traps. We get our hopes up, show our obvious desire to get back together and they shut down the door on us, apparently regretting their openness. I really wish a veteran would come to give you proper advice here. Have a look at the 37 rules or the books for inspiration, perhaps.
To put myself in his shoes: when I left my gf of 5 years a long time ago, I was full of guilt for causing her pain and I hoped that she would be happy without me, but I had no desire to go back with her. I know this is not hopeful, but at this stage of selling the house and just getting with the OW, I doubt he'll give your what you're hoping for. This is already a lot and I'd see it as a baby step. Perhaps something to be hopeful for a later time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Time to take the high road Zimmy. Maybe wait for a vet to chime in but I think you can craft a masterful, brief response to this. I see our situations as very similar (our WAS' only slightly acknowledge their role in our Rs decline, and are seeking someone else with lower standards so they don't have to confront an adult responsibility). This is clearly remorse, and a good sign, but far from the real thing.
Don't read negative thoughts into this. Don't think of OW. Your fiancé is trying to tell you something, but is clearly struggling with his communication. That's all this is. The temptation is to read into the WAS statements as if they are these complex, rational, completed thoughts, like they are a Supreme Court ruling or some such. They are not. BUT: he is trying to say something to you.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I don't get the sense that he is regretting his decision to leave me and choose her. I think that he is taking responsibility for the fact that he took me for granted and let the OW into our lives by not realizing what he had. And maybe he is realizing that he had a great person in me and he should have cultivated that more sooner. But it's not like he is ready to change his mind. Maybe he is just trying to assuage his guilty conscience with this becasue on some level he does "care" about me (pffffff), but I guess not enough
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Mozza: Why did you break up with your girlfriend? I think he does feel guilty for this break-up and the way he handled things so that is probably some of this. He probably doesn't want me back right now as he is "committed" to this OW (UGH!!!!!! how ridiculous when he was committed to me too when he took up with her!), and he is still in the throes of trying to figure out this other life. I just hope he crashes and sees that the grass isn't greener someday and misses me. I truly was good to him. Do you think it is possible to be too good to someone?
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Oh yes, Starsky - where are you? Is this message a goodbye message forever? Or should I be hopeful that he has some conscience and maybe once this stupid affair runs its course, he might look back at me more realistically? Ugh. I worry that this email is his way of giving himself closure and its really over...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
1foot2 - You email is is like a clever code! He is trying to tell me something, but who knows what it is. Probably no more than it says. He wishes he had been a better partner so that he had realized what he had when he had it, didn't leave the door open for an affair and end up here. But we are where we are now, he is in love with her and not with me (though he certainly cares for me). Didn't mean to hurt me with all this and hopes he learned from it. Realizes now what an amazing fiance I was and how much I gave of myself, but apparently not enough to change anything. Sigh. It's like being broken up with again and again and again...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
It was some 12 years ago. I broke up with her because I was bored with her and didn't see a future together. I had become unpleasant with her, probably because I wanted out but also because she couldn't keep me in my place ($2 psychoanalysis). Also, I was about to go abroad for a year and it was not the kind of relationship worth waiting for. I simply didn't want to be with her anymore. She was perfect though: blonde, blue eyes, valedictorian, med student, competitive swimmer, super gentle and never upset... I used to joke that she was perfect. She just didn't take her space in the relationship. So perhaps, yes, it is possible to be too good to someone.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
