Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi zimmy. Its been a few days and thought I'd check in and see how your doing?

Last edited by jim0987; 10/17/14 09:08 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Zimmy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
I am totally dejected. Ex told me last Sunday (after returning from a weekend with her) that he had chosen her and wanted to figure out the sale of our house, etc. so we could both move forward. His eyes were blank and cold. I tried so hard to stay poised, but the tremendous hurt overwhelmed me and I couldn't control my reactions. I burst into tears and tried to get him to tell me why and I asked him how could he betray and abandon me like this? He basically ran from me because he didn't want to face what I was saying. Told me that he never meant to deliberately hurt me, but we are where we are, and he just wants something different now.

What happened to the man I loved? This replacement is awful. I am totally a mess - depressed, constantly crying, no interest in anything now, self esteem is crushed, having nightmares. It's unfathomable that he actually chose her in the end - I really thought I was starting to make progress and he was starting to lean back towards me at times.

Please somebody, tell me something of comfort. I can't bear this.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Zimmy, have you talked to your DB coach about this yet?

Put you life info in you signature line, it helps so we don't have to dig through the thread the freshen up on your situation.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi zimmy. Best I can offer is a big transatlantic hug and to say that YOU will be OK.

Its horrible I know, most people on thus forum have been somewhere similar or worse Its heartbreaking now but good will come from this.

Look at some of the stories that are around of people who saved their marriage there are a few of those. There are way more of people who have saved themselves.

It hurts now and will for a while, but that's alright. It won't beat you if you don't let it.

Keep posting and other people with better advice than me will help you find your way.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Zimmy

I'm so sorry - that's really rotten for you. It sounds as though all you can do is detach and let him get on with things. You are calling this the end, but only you can decide that.

But it sounds as though he has made his decision at least for now - although you could bear in mind the stats - only 3-5% of affairs end up as marriages and around 75% of those fail. But, that's a lot of waiting, and this may not be much help to you right now.

One thing I keep telling myself is that my happiness does not depend solely on my S. There are many other good things in my life - and I need to focus on the other good things right now. Only time will tell who is happier in the longer term.

He will have to live with the fact that he destroyed your relationship - and he may not end up all that happy in this relationship going forwards. You on the other hand know that you did all that you were possibly able to do to try and save things. I know which person I would rather be out of those two options.

That said, probably none of this offers much comfort at this point - but I do send my very best wishes to you....

Toots x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Zimmy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Thank you Jim! That was so nice of you to reach out. These little things mean the world to me right now.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Zimmy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Toots: thank you. That is actually comforting. I know I need to let him go and play this out - I have no choice in this, which is so unfair.

I went to look at apartments back in NYC yesterday. So depressing. I loved my home and my life. I loved him and put him on a pedestal every day. I don't know how he could just throw our life away.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Zimmy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Jefe: I have not spoken to her since Sunday's debacle. I wonder if there is even a point if this is really over? Don't I just need to accept that he doesn't want me anymore?

I did add my signature. Thanks for suggesting!


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Originally Posted By: Zimmy
Jefe: I have not spoken to her since Sunday's debacle. I wonder if there is even a point if this is really over? Don't I just need to accept that he doesn't want me anymore?

I did add my signature. Thanks for suggesting!


Zimmy, only you can decide when it's over. I wouldn't give up just yet.

The reason I asked about the signature is I don't see one directly below. Like mine.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi zimmy.

Its up to you about the DB coach - they are solution focused and I'm sure a lot of people would say they have been brilliant.

DBing is worth it though. One of the first things I was told was that I need to become a man only a fool would leave - so that's my goal whether my W sees it or not.

So right now you don't need to accept it or not . that can wait - you need to focus on you, what you need to learn and how you want to be a better version of you. You'll hear this loads and its not easy to do but you need to try and detach from your current situation and focus on positives for you.

It'll get better and there are plenty of good people here for you


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard