I am the classic 'was happy in a 7yr relationship' story until I discovered his affair. Now we are separated and he is confused, but appears to be leaning towards being with her. A woman he met on a plane and who lives in Frankfurt, Germany. (I mean, seriously???). Before this, we had what even he calls a great relationship and were best friends and life partners who had just bought a house together.
How do I deal with the complete abandonment? He won't even see our dog that he adored! What does that say? He is like a totally different person.
I would love to know, whether they ever think about us and miss us while they are going thru the selfish affair fog? When that wears off and reality sets in, do they see us more clearly?
I am totally dismantled. Crying and can barely function. How does someone who used to love you do this to you? Is that love still there, just suppressed by all the craziness? Would love to hear from some wayward spouses about their story and what worked to get through to them. Desperate for some hope.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Sorry that you find yourself here. I am new to this process as well but can offer up some solace and suggestions.
- read the stories on this forum - read DB and DR - GAL and Detach - See a therapist - find some friends in whom you can confide
This is such a hard thing to do. No one can understand the mind of a WAS. You need to give him space and time. You also need to remember that you cannot control him and his actions. No amount of logic, pleading, etc will win him back. Logic does NOT trump emotion.
Do you have any sense for what could have been wrong in the M? Are there things that you can work on to improve yourself?
I am four months into this process and can tell you that the pain subsides. There are good days and bad days. GALing and detaching makes it much, much easier.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
It helps to look at an A as an addiction. Addicts are only thinking of themselves and have trouble thinking logically. How this affects you isn't fully understood, because that requires empathy, and while in the fog they have very little, if any, empathy to access. Addicts lie, cheat and do anything they can, crazy or not, to get to the source of their addiction. It really not about you at all- affairs are very selfish indulgences that happen in a "bubble" so to speak.
Will you H see you more clearly? Yes, but only after the A is over. At that point, they "wake up" and realize what they have done, much like a sober alcoholic.
Read the stories on here, particularly the ones that resulted in reconciliation. You are going to have to learn that tough love is the only love that matters in your situation right now. You must avoid begging, crying, pleading reasoning etc., it only pushes them farther away from you. It feels frightening and counter intuitive to do so, but it's your best hope of winning them back.
Glad you are here. You have found the right place.
While I am fairly new here myself let me offer my prayers and sympathy to you because I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing and feeling right now.
A couple of extra suggestions to what Shodan has already mentioned.
2) Edit your signature line to show some basic info, I.E. Time married, time together, children and ages, when affair was dicovered, etc.
3) Give us some more background on the relationship and what events led up to the current situation.
4) If you are Christian or are in need of some prayer guidance please visit oyr Prayer Circle thread in this section.
5) Post often, even if just to journal feelings, thoughts, and events. It helps you get it out and helps the long-timers here help you better.
It gets better. We all cry and have seriously down days, but it really does get better.
Last edited by Jefe; 10/06/1405:33 PM.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
It helps to look at an A as an addiction. Addicts are only thinking of themselves and have trouble thinking logically. How this affects you isn't fully understood, because that requires empathy, and while in the fog they have very little, if any, empathy to access. Addicts lie, cheat and do anything they can, crazy or not, to get to the source of their addiction. It really not about you at all- affairs are very selfish indulgences that happen in a "bubble" so to speak.
Well put, HS
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Shodan: Thank you for your response. It seems like your timing of dealing with all this coincides closely with mine. I got the talk at the beginning of June but discovered the affair by accident in mid July. How are you doing?
Is it worth reading both DB and DR? I have DR and have read cover to cover, but not sure if DB is the same? Everything else you recommend is helpful and is in process.
The only things I can think of that might have been wrong are the following, but I don't think anything was fundamentally broken, as we were happy and very close, just bought a house together and were excited about our future just before the A started:
* We were both very busy at work and traveling a bit, so we probably didn't prioritize our relationship the last few months before this started. * Could have had more sex and date nights, but nothing awful. * I gained a few pounds at beginning of year and wasn't feeling super attractive in myself (good news is that trauma of all this has helped me lose all of that and then some - ironically, he can't stop saying how amazing I look right now, which I have been hard pressed to remind him is because I haven't been able to eat in weeks due to the emotional distress...) * Could have communicated better if he had any grievances, but he said nothing. He is very conflict avoidant. * I probably put him first too much, and he took this for granted a bit.
So I am working on a list of things I want to do to GAL. Have been eating more healthily, bought a new wardrobe, went to a spa this weekend, doing kickboxing and tennis, taking painting classes, joined a BAN support group that is meeting tomorrow, planning a leave of absence from work and how to fill this (maybe I finally write that novel), journalling, and signed up for a matchmaking service. Wow - when I write it all out, I'm not doing so bad considering...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Thank you for your post! All this makes sense to me. How has your process been?
I have been talking to a DB coach, Leni, who is wonderful. She has really helped to calm me down, put perspective on things, and keep the hope alive. The only part I still struggle with is balancing the tough love / 180s with giving them the ability to see how wonderful you are and to reinforce their positive feelings for and connection with you. I guess they are not necessarily mutually exclusive?
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Jefe: Great to hear from you. Here is a little bit more detail of my story:
* In a relationship for 7 years and was engaged to a wonderful, loving man who I thought was my soul mate. We had a great relationship and everything in common. We were truly happy. Just bought a house together last August 2013 and were both excited about our future. He told me every day how much he loved me and how lucky we were, until...
* Apparently he met a girl on a plane last January. She lives in Frankfurt and he 'fell into' an affair with her. She knew he had a fiance but that didn't deter her - she went after him hard and eventually pushed him to commit to her and drop me. She is a woman who got fired from her job and then sued her employer. Lots of red flags...
* It got more serious before he knew it and now thinks he is in love with her and wants to explore that path in his life. Note that they have only really spent like 40ish days together, though they communicated regularly by phone and email for the past 9 months. He is actually considering bringing her to New York City and supporting her!
* I discovered the affair accidentally in July and immediately kicked him out of our house in anger. (Regret this now.) I was hurt, but I never thought he would actually want to really be with her. Shortly after, I told him that I wanted him to come home and work together on our relationship.
* Since then, he has vacillated back and forth - confused about who to choose but seems to be leaning towards her. Says if he comes home now, he will be miserable.
* Tells me that he and I didn't have a deep connection and never talked about our future. Says he doesn't 'feel it' for me right now, and he thinks he needs to feel it before he can really work at it and reinvest. If I take an unbiased perspective, this seems very off to me - we were very close, best friends, talked 30 times a day about everything - we worked together, ride horses together and spent every moment together that he wasn't travelling. Feels like classic revisionist history. Also I'm sure that compared to his foreign HausFrau, who he has been in a passionate long distance romantic affair with, our connection seems more muted and less full of discovery. Also, if he is giving her all of his emotional connection, of course this would result in less love for me - you can't really work on two relationships at the same time!
* He has turned into a monster and a person I don't know. Ready to walk away from our wonderful life, home, financial security, dog, etc. Doesn't seem to notice or care that he has devastated me. Doesn't seem to miss me. How is this possible???
* I tried at first to reconnect with him. Spent a lot of time with him, didn't bring up the R/OW, showed him that I was fun and attractive and wonderful. (Interestingly, he says that I am amazing and has a ton of respect for me as a person - he also said that I am younger, prettier and we have better sex than the HausFrau.) We still have a ton of chemistry, and he even cheated on the OW with me on multiple occasions recently. I thought I was really drawing him back home, but then he suddenly backpeddles very hard.
* I was the most loving, supportive, kind fiance he could have had. I was totally blindsided by this. I know that sounds naive, but I think he fell into this not becasue there was something awful or broken with us, but I and my therapist believe that he is:
1. trapped in an affair fog and not seeing reality 2. has detached from me and our life in order to justify stuff to himself + he is emotionally attached to her (can't really work on our relationship while he is tied up in that, though he thinks he can and would just 'feel it') 3. immature about what real committed love is vs. infatuated affair love 4. maybe needing to explore other options in his life (mid life crisis?); feels like very selfish behavior to me - not about love!!! I also think that he has low self esteem and was stressed about work, other factors that may have contributed to his affair at the outset 5. content right now because the affair is filling some emotional needs that I used to fill 6. but ultimately still torn on some level 7. can't really be madly in love with the HausFrau if he is already cheating on her with me, right?
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
My marriage has been recovered for two years now :-). It's been great, now that we both know how to meet each others needs and avoid bad habits!
By tough love, I don't mean being a jerk. I mean that you must put boundaries in place, for you, and enforce them. So no, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they work beautifully together!
I will add that, in my opinion, you only try to be "super wife" for a short time before you separate yourself from your H. Unlike women (where H's should continue to try to meet their WAWs needs for even years), men tend not to respond in the same way. The better bet in the case of a WAH is to leave them with a good taste in their mouth, then turn them loose and let the A explode on them. Once it does, they'll be back on your doorstep, if you've left the light on. of course, I'll defer to your coach.
Take a look at Train's thread if it's still there. Like you, she had a WAH in an A and they reconciled earlier this year. There's a ton of good experience there for you to tap in to!
What a great post! Thank you! I am so glad to hear your success! Would love to hear what worked for you specifically! Will check out Train as well in the meantime!
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
