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zed #2499657 10/22/14 08:35 PM
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Hi everyone. I'm PANICED. Just got this email. "
I think it's time to go to the mediator to sort things out (again) and move on with our lives. Something needs to be done, this has drug on way too long and the more it drags on the worse it is going to get. I've tried to have patience and let things sort out at your pace to avoid any hard feelings but it's time to bite the bullet. Things are only going to get nastier which is what I knew would happen. I think we need to set a boundary and there is zero talk about money or the kids unless there is a mediator/lawyer present. I was ready to move forward with a legal approach and my lawyer said it's in the kids best interest to try working it out with cool heads amongst ourselves. When can I make an appointment for? I think the sooner we get financials and everything worked out the better."
Please help!!!!!


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2499668 10/22/14 08:53 PM
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i think im missing some of the background context here but from what i can see your best bet is to validate the premise - if your try and block progress on things like this it will just come accross as manipulative and controlling.

I'm not saying rush and sign all the paperwork but you have to meaningfully engage in the process that she initiates otherwise you saying you dont respect her viewpoint.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
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So a reply something maybe like this?
I’m sorry you feel that I am dragging this out. This is a big part of our lives and our kids lives and there are so many thoughts and emotions involved. I want to be sure that I am doing what is best for me and what I believe is best for the kids. It hurts me to think that we can only talk with a lawyer or mediator is present. I not sure how things got so far gone. But If that is what you want to do that is your choice and I will respect that. So we can talk at the mediator or whoever you want. However I am not rushing into anything without the properly thinking things through and talking to the right people.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2499672 10/22/14 08:58 PM
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Not the expert but seems clear. Talk to your attorney. Set an appointment.

Agree 100% you don't get to explain yourself, that you have a different opinion on how you got there or what is possible. But don't roll your eyes and act like you think she's crazy. Finally, don't agree wih everything.

the correct attitude says 'I get how you feel and respect your right to your feelings and decisions'. Then let to and move on. Get excited about your new life and decide what that will look like.

You can speed up her road, you can only slow it down. The sooner you can move forward on your own the sooner shell have the space she needs to realize you're not to blame for all of her problems. No promises she'll come to that conclusion, but I can promise she won't if you don't give her the opportunity.

I'd recommend a DB coach immediately as well. Requirement. Mine told me the first step is to let the dust settle. No emotional reactions, no escalations. Just create some healthy distance and boundaries and start moving forward while dealing wih and processing your emotions. Be mysterious. Follow the 37 rules at ALL times.

Make changes for you. Post often. Day by day. Make decisions hat jive wih your core values. THis isn't about getting her back. This is about becoming a better, healthier man that will be ok regardless of the future.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
zed #2499673 10/22/14 08:58 PM
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That's just awful. I really feel for you. I merely get an invitation to lunch to discuss "kids etc." and I freak out, so honestly, I've no idea what I would do in your situation.

Again, I'm a newbie and uncomfortable sharing my inexperienced opinion, but here goes.

As I said recently, it will get worse before it gets better. This is the part where it's getting worse and it's not over. If you're going through hell, keep going. It's the only path that might lead to a reconciliation.

By all means, keep a hold of your feelings! Remember that you need to work really hard to the the right thing. Enjoy the efforts as it means you're on the right track. It's almost never what comes naturally. So you need to hold you tongue, never fight, never argue. It makes you the problem.

I get the sense that you have her anger on your side. I'm much more afraid of a cold, calculating and calm WAS than a hot-headed one. She can be more easily surprise, I think.

It seems like you won't have a choice but to go with the flow. It would be an interesting 180, since she thinks you're dragging your feet. Remember to always validate her: "You're right, I've been dragging my feet and you must be out of patience by now. It's a good idea to get the lawyers involved to help us calmly deal with this. As you say, let's bite the bullet. I'm available X and X." I bet she'll be puzzled.

Remember this: there's nothing you can tell her now to make her change her mind. It will take the pressure off of you. I know how it feels: "I bet if I just said the right words, this would all be over". If there's a magic bullet, and I don't know that there is, it will be in your actions, not your words. And it will take patience.

If you've even broken up from a serious relationship, tap into that experience. Remember how you felt and empathize with your wife.

Hopefully you'll get better advice from more experienced posters, but I see your distress and wanted to help. Take care.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2499675 10/22/14 09:03 PM
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Just to say there is a difference between validating and agreeing. and sometimes it might not be great to tell them how they feel.

for example you could say
'I know you feel like i'm dragging my feet so we should get lawyers involved'

or you could say

'I understand your concerned by the progress we have made in resolving these issues and so if you feel it is right that we should get lawyers involved then i'm willing to support that'

there is probably better wording but i hope that makes sense


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
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Mozza I like the idea of the 180. It is just so scary though. It is the total opposite that I want right now. If it doesn't work then am I rushing into something that I don't want. I can't think clearly right now. I did a lot of stupid things b/c I rushed into it. I even made myself a 24 hour rule. That I would not do anything for 24 hours after something happened, so that I could think things through. But I kind of think I can't wait my 24 hours on this one.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2499690 10/22/14 09:47 PM
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This is just probably just the hurt me saying this but what about. A nice short. "K lets do this then. I available x." Then start to detach and GAL


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2499937 10/23/14 03:59 PM
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We hope for the best. Keep us posted. We're supporting you, whatever choice you make.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2499944 10/23/14 04:21 PM
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zed

You need some advice from a vet or a DB coach. I know the money can be hard to find, but a coach is cheaper than a D.

My coach relayed what she call the DB mantra, but I cannot remember verbatim so maybe a vet can correct me where I am wrong. She said the mantra is:

"I do not agree that a long term separation and or divorce are the solution to our relationship issues. I understand you feel this way. I will not stand in your way, but I will not help you."

The words she used were much better so hopefully someone can correct me. But the essence of the statement is to state you beliefs and respect their's.

Wish I had more to offer.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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