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zed #2495786 10/09/14 10:45 PM
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She keeps telling me about all the reading she has done about divorces and how the kids handle it good when they are young. She said D6 probably wont even remember it. She says if we stay civil after S then it will be easiest on the kids. But if we stay in same house it will be hard on kids as there will be tension and the kids will see the tension. We never fight in front of the kids. . But every time I come in a room she leaves b/c W feel uncomfortable.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2495884 10/10/14 05:20 AM
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Zed,
It seems like you are on the right track. As others have mentioned, don't move out. In my sitch my WAW wanted to continue her EA (not physical that I know of). So, initially doing and saying all the wrong things, I was coming to the decision to move out. I didn't and she went ahead and signed a 6-month lease on a rental home.

I wish I could give you advice on feeling the voids where you didn't in the past, but similar to your W, mine noticed the changes and said pretty much the same things as your W.

Lastly, I'm not recommending snooping or questioning, but in my opinion its just hard for me to believe a young-aged couple ML 1-2 a year and now the WAW just wants to walk away and no EA of any sort is going on. That was just my opinion, but given how she's trying to push you out, IF an EA is going on I think she'll probably reveal it sooner or later..


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
zed #2496369 10/12/14 03:13 AM
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I’m having troubles try to tell W that I don’t want to move out and if she want space she will have to be the one moving out and that the kids will be staying with me. Everyone tells me that I should not move out friends, Lawyer, C. Loose time with kids; lose any gull if divorce happens. It is not my decision to split. She’s got to deal with the consequences.
But I want her back so much that I am worried that she will get mad, resentful and push her away further. Maybe she just needs space so…. Do I crater. Give her everything that she wants and hope she changes her mind? Or do I grow balls tell her how I think it should be and risk losing the love of my life?
I so much want to tell her how much I love her and do not want S to happen. That I know we did have issues during our marriage. That I believe they were small issues and just communication problems and that I believe we could be happier than ever before. I mentioned it before, but maybe she still doesn’t really believe me. But she seems confident that she does not love me, that there was too much damage done (what damage?) and that you either love someone or you don’t. If I could just go back a year and knew how much she didn’t feel loved this probably would have never happened.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2496370 10/12/14 03:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: zed
But I want her back so much that I am worried that she will get mad, resentful and push her away further. Maybe she just needs space so…. Do I crater. Give her everything that she wants and hope she changes her mind? Or do I grow balls tell her how I think it should be and risk losing the love of my life?
I so much want to tell her how much I love her and do not want S to happen. That I know we did have issues during our marriage. That I believe they were small issues and just communication problems and that I believe we could be happier than ever before. I mentioned it before, but maybe she still doesn’t really believe me. But she seems confident that she does not love me, that there was too much damage done (what damage?) and that you either love someone or you don’t. If I could just go back a year and knew how much she didn’t feel loved this probably would have never happened.


So much to cover here.

1) Stick to your guns and Lovingly explain your position about staying. I had to tell my wife, You're the one who wants to leave so you need to leave. But understand you're leaving us and everything else. I know it seems like the opposite of what you should do, but stick with it.
2)She already knows you love her and don't want the S/D. Trust me, I blew it today by telling my wife...DON'T DO IT! She believes that YOU believe you guys can be happy. Where she's at right now she doesn't see it.
3)She's a potential WAW, she is completely operating from emotion right now. She doesn't feel loving right now and she is having a hard time understanding that feelings come and go. She is in self centered mode. Just stay the course.

You have to let her get to a place where she can look up and go: "Crap, how did I get here?" so she can see her own actions that led up to it. That'll never happen as long as you keep jumping in the middle and give her more reasons to blame you. Trust me, I just did the same thing in my situation and reset the clock all over again, I'm afraid.

Zed, let me catch up on your situation a little better and I'll offer some more.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
zed #2496624 10/13/14 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Or do I grow balls tell her how I think it should be and risk losing the love of my life?


Whenever I see a man question if he needs to grow b@lls, I can't help but grin a little bit, b/c he has answered his own question. Everything that makes him a male is telling him to act the part of a man. I don't think you can act the part of a man as long as you fear making her mad at you.

It's not about trying to make her do what you know is right. It is about you making the right decisions for yourself and your kids. Having the attitude of "This is not what I want (a divorce) but I won't stand in your way of getting it". As soon as you let go of her, you will be able to show a man who has grown a pair. A man who is not dependent on his W to make him happy. A man who can have a life with or without her. A man who lays down personal boundaries, and if those boundaries are disrespected, then he makes decisions accordingly.

In other words, stop trying to get her back. It turns men into weak sisters when they do that stuff! If she wants back, she will find you and ask what it will take to work out things.(Or similar words to that effect). Stop being afraid you will "push" her further away. Often times, when the WAW thinks she is getting what she wants.......she will question herself. If she realizes she does love you and decides she does want you, then you acting like a man couldn't push her away. Seeing you act like a self respecting man is attractive to her.

The WAW coming back is a process for her. She has to reach the conclusion on her own. That requires the LBH none assistance in her life. Allow her to discover things on her own. It is much better for her to return out of free choice, rather than pressure.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2496641 10/13/14 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2


It's not about trying to make her do what you know is right. It is about you making the right decisions for yourself and your kids. Having the attitude of "This is not what I want (a divorce) but I won't stand in your way of getting it". As soon as you let go of her, you will be able to show a man who has grown a pair. A man who is not dependent on his W to make him happy. A man who can have a life with or without her. A man who lays down personal boundaries, and if those boundaries are disrespected, then he makes decisions accordingly.

In other words, stop trying to get her back. It turns men into weak sisters when they do that stuff! If she wants back, she will find you and ask what it will take to work out things.(Or similar words to that effect). Stop being afraid you will "push" her further away. Often times, when the WAW thinks she is getting what she wants.......she will question herself. If she realizes she does love you and decides she does want you, then you acting like a man couldn't push her away. Seeing you act like a self respecting man is attractive to her.

The WAW coming back is a process for her. She has to reach the conclusion on her own. That requires the LBH none assistance in her life. Allow her to discover things on her own. It is much better for her to return out of free choice, rather than pressure.


Reading that put me in a good mood, sandi. Friendly neighbor, sure. But it's time to learn boundaries. I will admit, I will probably question letting the wife leave AND take the kids with her somewhere down the line (although I get plenty of time and a tight geo restriction). I probably did it wrong/weak. She was/is being reasonable and the risk/reward equation of fighting her didn't make sense - short or long-term.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Thanks. Yes, we have to have boundaries even with friendly neighbors. smile

Zed, I hope you will keep your calendar full of GAL for yourself.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2496985 10/14/14 03:39 PM
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Finally had a constructive conversation last night. I'm in Canada so it was thanksgiving long weekend. I was not working so I made plans with the kids. Went to do something fun on sat. Invited W, which she declined. Sun, bummed around house. W took kids to relatives for thankgiveing supper. Did not want me to come so I went to a friends. Monday took kids to my sister's for Thanksgiving invited W she declined. Got home W told me she thought I was hording kids. She said I never spent a whole bunch of time with them before so she feels I am trying to win them over her. I calmly said. Before we were in this spot any weekend I would have off we would do something fun with the family. So nothing really changed expect you did not want to go. She opened up a bit and I could she was mad and angry. She said I always put work before the family. And now it seems like you are spending more time with the kids to hurt W. I said I can see how it seems like that. But it is not what I want to do at all. I want you to spend time with the kids and have fun with them. She asked me a bit about how things were and I agreed they were not great and that I do not want that relationship again. So I think I planted maybe a couple seeds of doubt. Still have yet to tell her I'm not moving out. But I want to try to get my game plan together a little bit better before I do. No use rushing into saying something. That is something that I always did. I now have a 2 day rule. Do react to anything she says for 2 days so I can think things through


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2496986 10/14/14 03:41 PM
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Thanks everybody for your insite. I greatly appreciate it and it helps to keep me thinking


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

zed #2498887 10/21/14 12:33 AM
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Hi Everyone. Bad Day. Wife was talking about how she is sick of the limbo situation we are in. She told me that she does not love me and we will never be intimate again. She is mad at me b/c she said I did not try in the marriage especially when she felt she was trying to save it. I aksed her if she wanted to talk about it she said she does not want to talk about the past as it does not good. I tried to keep her talking and said you don't know it may feel better. She said if I wanted to talk about the past then I could do it with someone else.


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

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