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Hi Cali! Try to look at this time as not waiting in limbo, but as living a new life. It can be as exciting and fulfilling as you make it to be. If you truly want to outlast the crisis you have to let go of wondering "how long".

I'm learning it's all about perspective. Time flies when you're having fun.

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Lately for whatever reason she seems chipper, she has been really working on her R with S and seems to be much better. I am happy for that ... however she seems to text me alot more just concerning him, sending pictures of him at school, even this morning she sent a picture of when he was like 1 years old wearing this ridiculous pumpkin hat I always teased her about. The exchanges have been very pleasant, I am not reading anything into them at all .. no expectations honestly .. but something tells me that the key to this very well may be the family angle and my son .. who knows.


I've watched my W go through periods of "chipper" followed by periods of depression. People in crisis will try all sorts of things to make their pain go away, often jumping around from one thing to the next. I'm sure you'll agree that focusing on son and interacting with you is a lot more constructive than many other things she could be doing. Enjoy and make the most of it! Try to build on it.


Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/29/14 06:21 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY .. Ironic .. I just read/caught up on your sitch!! And I respect you .. and your advice tremndously

You are right .. and slowly I have turned the corner with my clock watching .. its just close to the 1 year date of her moving out so it was on my mind... but you are right .. this new life I have as of late been making the most of. Just talked to a buddy, he offered me some sausage he made, and I took that chance to try to get together soon and do some GAL activity (He and I play Softball/Football together) I realized I need to work on my male friendships more.

And great point ... she could be doing a number of "chipper" activities that could be considered less constructive.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Just logging in some

Yesterday was a good day for me. I was just content .. It seems to be a rare thing dealing with this MLC thing .. but I gave it to God, and actually let Him have it for the day. I TM W around 2 or so ... confirming she was picking up S (I ALWAYS get him, but she went to a Dr appt and told me she would pick him up) ... she replied that she was about to TM me, she stopped off and was eating at a place we both enjoy .. I told her I was starving and that sounded so good.... she sent a picture and a LOL "Sorry had to" ... even said she would bring some if I wanted (Wow .. was that a nice gesture??) I told her it was ok, enjoy her meal .. and left it at that. She TM once she picked up S, I told her to enjoy him and the evening.

I rode the Harley into work, left on time and went home, relaxed for about an hour and went to my first RCIA meeting, it was nice .. I just felt that was where I needed to be. Met a couple people, they served some food, listened to a Deacon ... ironically about marriage, and staying focused on what is truly important. S called to say goodnight but I was still in the class, so it went to VM ... a bit after 8 I was out, and just did not want to go home, decided to ride about 30 minutes to a place where my good friend does Karaoke, he is Christian and completely knows my sitch ... he went through similar about 5 years ago ... ended up divorced but is happily remarried and has a wonderful family. So hung out there till about 11 and rode home. W did TM about 9 or so ... "I do not understand Walking Dead" ... I laughed ... I had mentioned last week I was about done with the series ... guess she was looking for things to watch .. I find it funny because I do see her as a Zombie in the MLC ... its helped me detach seeing her this way. The TM yesterday were the first that were not about S in weeks, I responded in kind, but did not pursue nor do I expectr anything to come of it.

At the moment I am in a good place, I feel refreshed to replace Softball with going to church on Wednesday nights, and can still go to mass Sat or Sun ... Saturday morning I am going to the harley meetings they have... trying to make new friends is hard for me, but I am atleast putting myself out there. I figured after that I will ride to the coast and read a bit .. then S soccer and who knows whats up for the night.

Friday is Halloween... W has not brought it up .. but I will join them if she invites me, its for S, and a chance for me to show my PMA, I am actually looking forward to it.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/30/14 06:36 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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So .... after work W TM me, telling me the plans for Halloween with S and asked if I would like to be a part of it .. I replied "I would love to be a part of that , Thank you" .. her reply ... "Of course you are his father" ... What I read " Sure because you are just his father not my husband" .. I took it as a total gut punch ... did not reply .. but it hurt. Just then, the radio was on (I do listen to Christian radio from time to time) and it said "Ever have a battle that just is not going your way .. just know that God works in ways you can not see" .... I thanked Him ... and let my angst go right there.

However I have been struggling with something .... W is Catholic, as is her entire family .. but obviously the MLC .. OM ... has given her a good deal to reconcile with God about. My issue ... I just started the RCIA program to become Catholic .... for me, not her .. I promised to raise my son this way and felt I need to become Catholic to do this, be a father figure that he respects, and I want to be the spiritual leader in my household. Maybe some Catholics can help me here (I plan on asking a Deacon or a Priest , one of the Sacraments is marriage, you only get one of these unless your spouse dies... I was married in a Catholic Church. If I go through with the RCIA program and she does end up divorcing me .. regardless of my wishes, attempts to salvage the M ... am I forever in sin, or can I even re marry ... the church is a very big deal for me ... seems like a waste to do this RCIA program that I really want .. for me and my S .. if after it all I am basically black-listed and could not go to communion and receive the Eucharist.

I am a little ... I dont know .. discouraged in a way .. but when I prayed today I told God, I trust in him, and regardless I choose him .. if I am to be alone ... so be it.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Ok ... I need Help and Advice here... Please

So foolishly .. I thought OM was out of the picture. He is not. I have S(7) tonight and he called her just as he always does, gets off the phone and tells me, Dad I have to tell you something I almost forgot. So .. last night when he called me, he looked at her call log and she is still talking to him, S7 knows who he is, knows whats going on .. ... if you missed early in my sitch she exposed OM and his 2 kids to S7 as "play dates" early on .. I flipped when I found out .. this was last year.

So now .. I am upset .. but more than that .. disappointed. S7 deserves better, this will effect him for life ya know? He actually prayed on his own tonight for God to help his mother stop doing what was wrong.

I know there is nothing I can do .. but seriously .. this is about a year of on and off with OM and should it ran its course by now. Should I just drop rope and let my M go and press for D. Expose OM to her family that would devastate her ... none of these actions really will help save the M and family I want .. or thought I want. Is this just more MLC crap and I need to patiently wait.

I will say this . I am not as floored or upset as I was months ago .. detaching must be taking root.
I know I will not have answers or advice by the time I drop S off tomorrow ... I will just try to PMA and let it go, but I am just ashamed of her at this point.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Cali Guy,

I know this must have been painful to discover. However, I'm betting it wasn't terribly shocking.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. However, I'm always a bit perplexed when people think affairs will fizzle out by a certain point. They last as long as they last...could be 3 months to never. Please know I don't say that to be harsh-just an honest observation.

If you aren't ready to d, then don't press for D. I don't think exposing the affair is a good move either. What does Cali Guy want?

Hang in there:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Georgiabell

Thank you ... and yes .. it was not a shock, she was not connecting the past 3 weeks like she was before ... its like she comes out .. takes a look .. and back in the tunnel she goes. I was a little disappointed .. but there is little I can do.

I do not want the D, I guess sometimes you get this urge like you can fix it, have to fix it, that you will go desperate and try anything .. I am off the ledge now, but I will admit a touch defeated at the moment. I will put on my PMA jacket today as hard as it will be to drop off S and do the HAlloween thing tonight knowing this new information.

Strange ... I have said in the past she always knows how to keep me close ... its uncanny. She has no idea I found out this new info from S ... yet at 2 this AM she TM asking if I was awake. Not sure what for, I stopped having the phone chime for TM some bit ago .. there was a time I would have replied. Time will tell, this is all in Gods hands at the moment and all I can do is worry about me.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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So I drop off S ... W seems chipper enough. I ask S to grab my ball cap he borrowed and W gave me his Halloween outfit for tonight. Then she asked if I got her text, I told her I did not see it until this morning, I asked if she was ok. She was upset at this .. said she didnt feel well "But it doesnt matter" .. I told her she could have called .. then she said I never pick up and she didnt want to wake me ... yet she is upset obviously I was not there on the spot for her ... I LOVE you MLC ... took all my being not to spit out "You should have called your boyfriend" ... I got down to my sons level and wished him a wonderful day .. and left.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Damn, that's tough, Caliguy.

First, on the Catholic issue. Talk to a priest. Talk to a couple of priests! Get a number of opinions. Change is afoot in the Church. Here's a news article about possible changes the Pope may be proposing on D.

Not sure what to say about your W, except bam, she was guilty and out pops that ugly MLC Blame again. The MLC Zombie... so aptly described. All the rot and decay that was on the inside is now revealed on the outside, even S7 can see it.

I am glad you've got what looks like some seasoned male friends who can advise you and show you there is a good life for you no matter what the outcome.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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I wanted to add: I've spent some time studying Mark 10: 4-11 (natch, considering my sitch).

Every time I read it I get the same thing out of it. Some of us humans have such hard hearts that they see D as a permissible way to escape their marriage (your W, my H at one point). God allowed D to happen in such a case (through Moses) because of the hardness of those hearts. He allowed a law to be written.

But Jesus was clear that the person doing the D (H or W) was committing adultery if they remarry. He said absolutely nothing about the LBS being D by their hard-hearted WAS. I took comfort in that. To me, what Jesus says (or didn't say) trumps everything.

Does that mean that the spouse of [an abusive / adulterous / addicted / etc.] person is sinning by petitioning for D?

I don't know. That's God's business, not mine. But for my sitch and yours, I believe we're the ones who were getting axed by D, not doing the axing.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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