WAW-MLC vs LBS .... The turtle and the hare.

[mleigh4]

That's good to test things out and see what works and what doesn't. Certainly can't hurt at this point, right? I am still testing different things out myself. AJ made some good points. Emotions play such a huge part in how we perceive things from day to day. I mean, if we were so unhappy prior to BD, why would we be putting up with this? We have good reason to walk away right now, but here we are.

I was thinking Caliguy, sometimes your posts sound like you are struggling to make a decision on what to do. I know how overwhelming that can be and feelings change day to day. What about giving yourself a timeline? A certain amount of time off from having to make any kind of decision. To just use that time for trial and error and focusing on you. Then once that time is up, reevaluate where you are at and go from there? It's just a thought. I have given myself thru the end of the year. No decision to be made, just time to focus on me and S. It has taken a huge weight off my shoulders.

Keep up what works, you are doing a good job!

[CaliGuy]

Just a quick update .. not much to add really

I have gone dark ... seems she has to pretty much. I swear sometimes she DB's better than me!!! So yesterday was pretty quiet, just a couple TM about S .. one asking if I scheduled my Dr Appt (I just dodged that question) the TM about S were nothing important, just about how he was being a good boy after they had a falling out ... I did not pry or ask .. just returned with "He is a very sweet special little boy" and left it at that. I told her I had an early game and she would need to pick him up at the ball fields (GAL activity I really enjoy) .... so she was actually there before us .. We get there and I say goodbye to S and she tells me "good luck tonight" ... I nod .. but I think she did not notice and she said it again, I told her thank you and off they went. She did not look good, a bit stressed maybe, not sure .. not going to mind read.

I know I need to detach, but I miss her, I know I have to do this .. I pray it saves my M and my family but I am not so sure anymore. I fight back the urge to call and tell her I am sorry, want to fight for us ... all that. I know she needs to work through this, I know if she comes back it has to be her choice, there will be alot of work to do if she decides this.

So ... I have S tonight, we are going to watch a movie we have been talking about all week ... it will be fun. this weekend is his Fall Festival at school, W will be there volunteering just as I will be ... not sure what this weekend will bring we have not planned anything to do as a family .. I know Sunday she had plans to do some photo shooting with a guy friend of hers ... I am not worried about him being another OM honestly ... but after her statement earlier this week .. it would be easy to drive myself nuts thinking that.

So ... I have a busy Saturday at S's school plan on a late ride after, have S Sunday and will make an effort to do something really cool and fun with him. Keep my PMA up and continue to GAL ... not sure what 180's I can pull off but I am focused on detaching for now. I need to jump back and finish reading the DR book, I kind of set it down while I was doing so well.

[AJM]

Curious Cali. What would it look like if she were to try and come back? What would her first move be?

AJ

[CaliGuy]

Curious Cali. What would it look like if she were to try and come back? What would her first move be?

AJ

Are you sending me down the Mind reading Path?? Lol

Thats a great question and its hard for me to answer, as I am not really sure. I think there are signs there, looking back she has constantly temp checked/cake eating me to make sure I was there, when she felt I was drifting she would give me a little more of what I need, attention, time together, etc.

So as far as what her first move would be .. I think in a way what she tried to do a week or so ago, letting me know OM was completely out ... granted I backslid a bit there ... she might go further into actually talking about MC, and committing to saving our M .... but as I type this these are things I WANT her to do .... not necessarily what she would do.

I am not sure what she would do, not sure what her first move would be ... might just be a sit down talk .. serious and telling me how she feels and that she wants to work on this.

Maybe that will happen, maybe not .. I am not certain .. right now I honestly feel she has to work on herself just as I have, she needs the gift of time ... and I am willing to do that as I am doing now, I still love her, I think that our marriage 2.0 would be drastically improved after all this, all these lessons I have been able to learn, and possibly maybe she has and will learn a few too.

[Mach1]

I know I need to detach, but I miss her, I know I have to do this .. I pray it saves my M and my family but I am not so sure anymore. I fight back the urge to call and tell her I am sorry, want to fight for us ... all that. I know she needs to work through this, I know if she comes back it has to be her choice, there will be alot of work to do if she decides this.

I don't think that God gets too involved in affairs of the heart. I think that he would mainly focus on the person, not the situation here. I would assume that his plan would involve YOU becoming the person that he created, rather than a person who defines himself by his Marital status...

I know that "I" changed, when my prayers changed. Instead of praying for reconciliation, I started to pray for the strength to HANDLE a reconciliation, as well as the strength if it didn't as well....

A LOT of work on both parts Cali, not just her, and as hard as YOU have worked so far ??

Piecing is even harder...

Which leads to AJ asking a GREAT question to you....

Curious Cali. What would it look like if she were to try and come back? What would her first move be?

AJ

Are you sending me down the Mind reading Path?? Lol

Thats a great question and its hard for me to answer, as I am not really sure. I think there are signs there, looking back she has constantly temp checked/cake eating me to make sure I was there, when she felt I was drifting she would give me a little more of what I need, attention, time together, etc.

So as far as what her first move would be .. I think in a way what she tried to do a week or so ago, letting me know OM was completely out ... granted I backslid a bit there ... she might go further into actually talking about MC, and committing to saving our M .... but as I type this these are things I WANT her to do .... not necessarily what she would do.

I am not sure what she would do, not sure what her first move would be ... might just be a sit down talk .. serious and telling me how she feels and that she wants to work on this.

I think, and I certainly do not want to speak for AJ here...

That he is leading you down the path of being able to see, very clearly, what is going on around you, so that you do not make, or act on pure emotion right now...

And I also think that he is asking what signs YOU need to see, in order to give this a second chance if it were to happen (her pursuing you).

As far as mindreading? Not so much...

I would say ...more of an awareness...

What does reconciliation look like to YOU ??

What do her steps look like in that process ??

What steps do YOU take when you see those steps ???

Have YOU put yourself out of reach, IF, she does decide to take another look ???

Maybe that will happen, maybe not .. I am not certain .. right now I honestly feel she has to work on herself just as I have, she needs the gift of time ... and I am willing to do that as I am doing now, I still love her, I think that our marriage 2.0 would be drastically improved after all this, all these lessons I have been able to learn, and possibly maybe she has and will learn a few too.

Well said...

Yet it is never too early to think about it happening. I think it's called hope ...


: )

[TSquared2]

What about giving yourself a timeline? A certain amount of time off from having to make any kind of decision. To just use that time for trial and error and focusing on you. Then once that time is up, reevaluate where you are at and go from there?

This can work really well. I did this, it really helped me focus on "me" and not making a decision, because I decided that no decision until "x" date... It really freed up a lot of mental, and emotional, bandwidth.

[CaliGuy]

I don't think that God gets too involved in affairs of the heart. I think that he would mainly focus on the person, not the situation here. I would assume that his plan would involve YOU becoming the person that he created, rather than a person who defines himself by his Marital status...

I know that "I" changed, when my prayers changed. Instead of praying for reconciliation, I started to pray for the strength to HANDLE a reconciliation, as well as the strength if it didn't as well....

Oh I completely agree ... I know for a fact I have prayed more over the past year than in my entire life .. and these are typically surrounded with helping me change into the person I need to be. And in a strange way I thanked Him for this journey knowing it was the only way I was going to change to this level.

A LOT of work on both parts Cali, not just her, and as hard as YOU have worked so far ??

Piecing is even harder...

Which leads to AJ asking a GREAT question to you....

I think, and I certainly do not want to speak for AJ here...

That he is leading you down the path of being able to see, very clearly, what is going on around you, so that you do not make, or act on pure emotion right now...

And I also think that he is asking what signs YOU need to see, in order to give this a second chance if it were to happen (her pursuing you).

As far as mindreading? Not so much...

I would say ...more of an awareness...

What does reconciliation look like to YOU ??

What do her steps look like in that process ??

What steps do YOU take when you see those steps ???

Have YOU put yourself out of reach, IF, she does decide to take another look ???

Yeah ... Honestly ... AJ and you .. made me think ... HARD .. And I thank you both for that, I read his words over along with yours ... went for my "prayer" walk ... read them again and took another walk ... been think about this for a couple hours ... and then ... W TM "How are you?" ... simple .. not S related ... I was thinking about the angle you both are making me look. Maybe in a way she needs to see the door is open, and not that I am inviting her in (Which I clearly am) only to slam that door behind her and lock her up in my house. And that is not what I want .... I thought long and hard .. I do not want to make reconciliation any harder than it needs to be IF we get there ... and if we don't ... I dont really want our co-parenting R to be any harder than it needs to be. I think by me thinking I was doing boundaries and detaching poorly I am trying to over compensate and drop the rope and run. Its not what I want, nor does it send a message of "Your husband cares deeply for you and wants to work at our M"

Your Comment about putting myself out of reach ... SPOT ON , and IO realized ... she is scared to come back and I am telling her that at some point you have to open up and take a chance .. and I am in fact a hypocrite and not doing the same, sure I could get hurt again .. but it will hurt more knowing I closed the door when she was about to ring the doorbell ... Thank you for making me see that.

Well said...

Yet it is never too early to think about it happening. I think it's called hope ...


: )

Just want to thank you both, obviously as much as I think I have a handle on things .. you both are clearly playing in the majors and can see the pitches coming ... while I am just trying to read and react, its alot harder to get on base this way.

I responded in kind to the TM ... she asked if I made the DR appt and I told her what is going on .... where as before I have side stepped and avoided it. I will be going into this weekend with a bit different approach I think .... Thank you.

[CaliGuy]

What about giving yourself a timeline? A certain amount of time off from having to make any kind of decision. To just use that time for trial and error and focusing on you. Then once that time is up, reevaluate where you are at and go from there?

This can work really well. I did this, it really helped me focus on "me" and not making a decision, because I decided that no decision until "x" date... It really freed up a lot of mental, and emotional, bandwidth.

Honestly ... I think that's where I got myself into trouble. I gave a timeline of Nov 8th (Sep Anniversary 1 year) WAYYYY back when of .. ok if by then we are married or I am done .... this was before DB ... and I realized doing that was just setting up any chance I had at saving my M to failure.

But yes I understand your angle ... thought about it last night after my ball game .. Am I in a hurry? What am I going for .. not like I want to go be single nor entertain that life ... I know the life I want and I really do not want to start over and build it with anyone else at the moment

I read some words ... can not recall where .. but a similar sitch .. together 30 years .. one went off and did the MLC-WAS thing and the other patiently waited, and the perspective was one that floored me. If in fact this is the mate I spend my life with, say I have another 30-40 years ... that's a total of 55-65 years together ... would I be willing to sacrifice 6 months, 12, 18, 24? .... my answer was yes.

So I laid the rope down , not that I was giving up .. but to give her space, let her sort things out ... I am still here, if she were to call me for help because she was depressed ( this is usually twice a month) ... I will be there, sure it stings the way I am treated after sometimes ( need to drop expectations .. this is my fault not hers) .. but lately she has made comments that I am the only one who has not abandoned her, I am in fact the light house and will try to continue to be .... even the lighthouse can get lost temporarily in the fog I think

[Mighty]

Hey Cali. Just checking in and getting caught up. You are right, there are some similarities. I think that if xh hadn't ended up in the sitch he's in, there it would be much more parallel.

Your frustrations with the selfish behavior mentioned before really resonated with me. And you had some feelings that you expressed that I felt as well. "She has not made this right as far as I'm concerned." Yup... I get that. Not that she/he ever will. But I think that's OK. We can move on in the meantime. If the effort was there to make it right, wouldn't that be sweet. I consider it a bonus. I head my breath for awhile with that. Maybe I still am, a little. Probably. They can't until they know how, if they ever do. And while being self-centered, it ain't gonna happen.

I feel for ya, Cali. I think you are doing a great job. You are also feeling your way though this. AJ is asking some really good questions. I find them very insightful and helpful.

Keep moving, Cali. And yeah, that fog can be thick sometimes. Eh, we're human. And really, I think that you saying that you have certain expectations is good. It's OK to want a give-and-take r. I think when they find their way back and put in the work, it is what is necessary. They have to want to come back. I think that makes it easier to drop the rope. You can put it in her hands and be free to know, if she comes back it is because she wanted to.

[mleigh4]

What Mach1 and AJ said about putting yourself out of reach. Then your response of being a hypocrite. (Sorry. I still haven't figured out how you guys do the cut and paste!). That is some good stuff. I fit right in there. I am so guarded And suspicious right now, I can't imagine my H would feel very safe with me. That really helped to open my eyes too. They have some really great views to share. Your posts have been getting me through a tough week. Must be the blood moon or something? Thank you!