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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494202&page=1

Just figured its time for a new thread .. and for whatever reason the MLCs remind me of turtles .. slow, poking their head out of the tunnel every now and then ... while us LBSs are trying our best to contain our hyper-activeness. .... least thats how I feel ... have to remind myself constantly to be patient.

So... soccer today, W gets hot and miserable .. S hot and miserable .. me .. PMA baby ... lol. they started in on each other, it is honestly like watching 2 7 year olds bicker, W tried to bait me into an argument ... I didn't bite. She is on one of her mood swings today ... TM saying S says he is getting picked on at school because of our separation ... I simply told her he had not mentioned it to me ... not sure how she got that out of him, maybe over the past few days she is really trying to figure out what she wants ... no idea .. anything is mind reading at this point. So .. I will stay a touch dark and just let her be, no need to have her bad day affect mine.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/04/14 07:22 PM.

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Hi Caliguy. You made me laugh with the turtle comment. That is EXACTLY how I see my H. Pokes out every once in a while, then POP! back into the shell!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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AJM Offline
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You are taking the right approach, but it occurs to me that your son may be unloading some of his feelings on his mom these days. I suggest you stay out of it and let them figure it out between them as well as show by example how a man handles things. Your son is watching you, ya know? He will get this out of his system, work it out with his mom, and then watch how you handle things.

Just when you think they are not watching, they are. They just process things differently than their more experienced fathers smile


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Ok, so just updating ... backslid a bit yesterday.

So Saturday after the soccer game was pretty quiet, W and S had a play date, I went to my IC apt, where is seems I have an issue with being assertive, stating my needs and holding to those boundaries (All true and something that I will now need to focus on as I do become a door mat all to often) W and I were supposed to watch a movie later that night, she TM that she was on her way home, and tired but still extended the invite, ... it was later than I expected so I declined letting her know they should relax and rest up.
Sunday I was about to go to mass, she TM asking if we could do mass (the late one) then the air show, I agree .... did some errands and met them at church, then we went to lunch .. and off to the airshow, all was going well to this point. There was a VIP section that we were near, she had her camera going, all into taking her pictures, then she realizes she could probably sneak into the VIP section ... she tells me .. and off she goes leaving me and S behind. I was ok with this at first ... but then the more I thought about it the more it was just like her leaving our M for the A ... she sees something shiny and more exciting and off she goes, selfishly and could care less about who she leaves behind. So she finally comes out and realizes I was not thrilled with her deserting us like that, told me not to be mad .. then started in her spew session as she all to often does. I then realized .... this is not what I want, I do not want to be with someone so self centered .... nor do I wnat to walk on eggshells to save the M ... not like this .. I would be willing to do my part and work .. but not when she is not willing. So she started in on me .. and said this is why our R has issues, I calmly said there is no R, and has not been in about a year. The ride home was one of her trying to state her case, blaming her mother, blaming me, everyone but herself .. I simply told her ... instead of realizing what she did and how it made me feel and apologizing, she decides to start a huge fight, ... thats her way of making sure she does not take responsibility ... and with S in the car I was not longer going to share how I felt nor fight regardless of how badly she wanted to fight it out.
I dropped her off at her car, and told her how I felt, told her that the A and OM may be "completely" done for her, but it wasnt for me, (He still is on her FB and who knows to what extent they talk) .... she has not made that right as far as I am concerned ... and she can do what she likes, and be with who she wants. Just as I can choose who is in my life and who isn't.

I realize this is not using the honey to draw her in ... but I am just tired of the MLC selfishness, its like she temp checks to see I have not left and does what she wants knowing she still has me on the line. I am not happy with this, and the rope is getting to heavy for me to hold without anything from her in return.

There were some TM after, her threatening the suicide stuff as she has so often done. I am sure the heat from the past two days got to her .... but at some point she needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions. I am unsure at this point what I want ... I surely do not want a life like that, it was a strong reminder of what it was like before BD, and I would rather not revisit those times ever again.

I dropped S off with her after his Dentist apt ... she seemed better, but the exchange was like we were divorced. Time to go dark and let her sort herself out I think


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So yesterday W TM asks if I have time to talk ... my stomach flips for whatever reason as I expect the worst. So I go outside to take the call and she is depressed again, I use this as a chance to be calm, be the person she needs (as usual in this case) We talk about some things that are bothering her ... she goes through bouts of anger when i interupt even though I feel its just normal conversation .. so I pull back and just listen to her for a long time ... then later I explained to her how I felt, how what she did made me feel and she actually was receptive .. told her how instead of getting defensive if she would try to understand how I felt .. and at the least be receptive to that rather than pick a fight for her defense it would smooth things out. In turn I need to keep using my "soft voice" ... so the discussion was one that I was happy with ... until ... yes ... until....
So she gets a touch frustrated, and asks what I want from her, I told her I was not understanding what she meant .... I would like to tell her "I want you to pull your head out of the shell and commit to the M, to me ... to our family, God .. all that ... but I held my tongue knowing she did not want a response she wanted to vent. So then she drops ... "What is it you want ... sex? why does everyone want to just have sex with me." I told her .. ok, I have had enough, told her what she said was hurtful, and I am not going to continue the discussion. I hung up .. she called back a few times, texted ... I returned the call and she admitted what she said was hurtful ( a first) and she was sorry.

She went to IC later that night .. talked to S .. and that was it. I was up all night .. fighting the old demons ... images of her in bed with others ... all that came back from Feb/March .. things I thought I was over and past. I dropped S off this morning ... she commented on how good his hair looked .. asked if I had my headache and if I slept ... I softly looked her in the eyes and told her "I don't think I can do this anymore" .. said goodbye and closed the door as she just blankly stared at me.

I have been thinking about it since Sunday ... my needs have never been met in this M, even before BD, (My fault for not being assertive) I am there for her as a safety net as she experiments and tries to figure out what she wants knowing I will put up with about anything, (the comment about "everyone just wants to have sex with me .... I can not take anymore OM's ... nor can I stay in limbo another year) and always be there when she really needs me. She takes ... and doesn't give ... not an inch .. I just can not do it anymore .. I would receive the same thing out of this R if I were alone .. maybe cut out the heartbreak ... I at this point am struggling with why hold onto the rope when its doing nothing but bite me.

So ... I am laying the rope down reluctantly ... my marriage still means something to me, as does my family, but at some point I think I have to cut my losses and accept this, I deserve better .. my S sure as hell deserves better, even my W deserves to be happy even if she doesn't know how to be.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/07/14 02:32 PM.

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AJM Offline
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Ouch. Do you recall when I told you that old feelings would surface again?

Are you 100% sure that you're seeing things clearly or that you will view them the same way 12 months from now? Or is it that your feelings of hurt and rejection are coming to the surface as your W moves closer to you?

By all rights, this is the hardest part of the entire journey. This cross-roads. I strongly encourage you to deeply contemplate what you want and make sure that will want the same things 1 year from now.

Whatever you decide is right for you and your family, please just be sure to give it prayer and deep thought before you commit to it. Once you do, don't look back.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Ouch. Do you recall when I told you that old feelings would surface again?

Are you 100% sure that you're seeing things clearly or that you will view them the same way 12 months from now? Or is it that your feelings of hurt and rejection are coming to the surface as your W moves closer to you?

By all rights, this is the hardest part of the entire journey. This cross-roads. I strongly encourage you to deeply contemplate what you want and make sure that will want the same things 1 year from now.

Whatever you decide is right for you and your family, please just be sure to give it prayer and deep thought before you commit to it. Once you do, don't look back.

AJ


I do recall .. and I realized that these feelings would surface. Its not just about the old hurt. Its the frustration of being the one who always giving, always there ... for someone who ... well is selfish. She uses her looks to get what she wants from who she wants .. and I am just tired of holding that rope. Maybe its a bad day for me ... but last night ... S calls and she says "Hold on a minute I am just heading out" ... now I knew she was at her IC ... and just leaving .. but even the S7 asked ... "Dad where is she going this late?" ... I realized little dude is and has been on to her ... she created this not me.

Right now I just feel I need to go dark, let the rope lay down for a bit ... she needs to work through this .. she also needs to see that I have been there solid through it all, at somepoint she has to understand she could very well lose it all ... I have avoided this "bluff" if you will .. but at this point I have to lay my hand on the table and see what is in store. Nov 8th marks the one year separation point .. I am not sure I can go through another holiday season like I did last year. Am I in a better place now than then .. yes.... the W and I are actually in a better place now than we were ... but I just feel she has to work this out herself right now. So I am pulling back, maybe she can see enough through the fog of what she is losing .. maybe she won't ... I just can not put more into this emotionally at this moment.


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Wow Caliguy. That post brought me to tears. You sound so much like me and your W so much like my H. I am in the same place. Realizing I really wasn't that happy with things before BD. However, I do believe they were fixable things, if two were involved with the fixing. I guess that is what I hold on to. I also feel totally taken advantage of, H knows how much I want to save our marriage. H uses this to do as he pleases when he pleases. One day he will say he thinks we should divorce and off into his "room" he goes, then the next morning he gets up and acts like everything is perfectly normal and nothing more is said about D. It is truly the twilight zone. I don't know what to say. I feel your pain, very much. I feel your frustration, very much.

All I know is the more I pull away, the better I feel. Try with the going dark, before making any big decision. See how it makes YOU feel. Try not to worry so much about her. I believe we will know when it is time. Truly time. Let it sit, think about it. There is nothing to rush right now. At least that is what I tell myself. I hope this helps. I'm so sorry, for all of us, having to deal with this madness.


One last thing. Good for you for speaking up on your feelings. I know sometimes it goes against DB, but we put up with so much and need to stand our ground sometimes!

Last edited by mleigh4; 10/07/14 07:47 PM.

Me 48 H 46 S 11
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BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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AJM Offline
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Quote:
One last thing. Good for you for speaking up on your feelings.
I second that, wholeheartedly!

As somebody who has walked in your shoes for the most part, I am just challenging the thoughts. The one that sticks out to me is the "re-remembering" of the past and your part in it. In a normal relationship, there should be times when one or the other is carrying things. But during that time, they should do it because they want to do it. It's part of the work of a relationship.

Looking back at it under duress is suspect to me. So I challenge that with a goal of understanding if it truly is that you gave and never received or if you are protecting yourself.

See the difference? If you truly have been the only one giving and can't see why, then why go through all this pain in the first place? But if you are protecting yourself by having these feelings, and I suspect to some degree you may be coupled with some truth in there, then I urge you to re-focus those thoughts.

It would be a shame to be married all those years and find out you are a self-serving git that gave all the time with nothing in return. That says a lot about what you would need to work on, no? smile

As mleigh said, you don't have to make any final decisions right now. If laying down the rope works for you, then you have to do what you have to do. It's certainly not wrong. There is no right or wrong way to act in this forum. MLC has no rules you need to live by. They wouldn't matter if there were.

I think you know that. Both of you.

Keep in mind that it is different to get off the crazy train. If the actions are continuing (and you can know that for sure without imagining) then walking away may be your only option. If you're guessing, you are doing yourself a disservice and causing yourself more pain. Nobody else.

Hope that helps a bit. I'll be quiet now smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Quote:
One last thing. Good for you for speaking up on your feelings.
I second that, wholeheartedly!

As somebody who has walked in your shoes for the most part, I am just challenging the thoughts. The one that sticks out to me is the "re-remembering" of the past and your part in it. In a normal relationship, there should be times when one or the other is carrying things. But during that time, they should do it because they want to do it. It's part of the work of a relationship.

Looking back at it under duress is suspect to me. So I challenge that with a goal of understanding if it truly is that you gave and never received or if you are protecting yourself.

See the difference? If you truly have been the only one giving and can't see why, then why go through all this pain in the first place? But if you are protecting yourself by having these feelings, and I suspect to some degree you may be coupled with some truth in there, then I urge you to re-focus those thoughts.

It would be a shame to be married all those years and find out you are a self-serving git that gave all the time with nothing in return. That says a lot about what you would need to work on, no? smile

As mleigh said, you don't have to make any final decisions right now. If laying down the rope works for you, then you have to do what you have to do. It's certainly not wrong. There is no right or wrong way to act in this forum. MLC has no rules you need to live by. They wouldn't matter if there were.

I think you know that. Both of you.

Keep in mind that it is different to get off the crazy train. If the actions are continuing (and you can know that for sure without imagining) then walking away may be your only option. If you're guessing, you are doing yourself a disservice and causing yourself more pain. Nobody else.

Hope that helps a bit. I'll be quiet now smile

AJ


AJ ... I appreciate and welcome your words ... so do not ever hold your thoughts or advice please

You do have a point ... prior to BD believe me I was not the only one giving .. in fact maybe it was more her .. since then .. since I started DBing .. I have owned my share .. .my contributions to the break up ... and I have made a great deal of changes. At the moment I do feel I am the one giving ... And reading here I realize over hte years she has developed thick skin and I see she is scared of committing into a marriage she was so unhappy she left and did the things she did.

But I think right now ... she has said she is confused, does not know what she wants ... and me being so available and allowing family time as much as I have .. I have allowed her to cake eat. How can she realize what she will not have if it is so readily available all the time? I think I was not DBing properly .. so I realized I need to pull back, GAL .. go dark .. let her sort things out a bit until she will at the least want to try for the M if thats the thing she decides she wants ... I can no longer try to lure her in .. I honestly feel a little darkness and some time for her to sort things out is what I need to do. ... I might be wrong ... I am not wanting to give up my M, I just see this as a test to see where it goes, to see if this works ... something different if you will


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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