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fthnluv Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
That is your reality now. Why haven't you detached yet?


I'm not sure how to answer that question. I have read some on detachment and I feel like I have done some detaching. I found this information:

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. I think I've done this.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. I've done this as well. But I still worry about H's choices because I still love him.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself. Done this as well. I never reach out unless absolutely necessary but I do respond to him on the few occasions that H contacts me.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. I suppose I have not disengaged.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. I've accepted this. I don't like it though...
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. Working on this.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. Working on this as well.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. I don't feel guilt or responsible for H's choices or failures. I realize this is a journey H must go on alone.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. I believe I have accomplished this as well.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. Not sure what "back away" means here, I am putting H's MLC in perspective and taking this time to work on ME.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. I guess this one is a matter of opinion. I feel lead by God to stand for my marriage and I believe that God is telling me (at this point) that we will one day reconcile. Until God gives me a different feeling/view/path to take I will "hang on" to the vows I made and stick by them. This doesn't mean that I don't let him go and do the things H needs to do in the meantime. It just means that I won't give up until I believe God calls me to.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. I think I did do this by not "bailing" H out for the negative consequences of what people will think or the sadness D5 has for his choice not to come to her birthday party.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be." I understand this but I don't even think H knows who he really is right now. I want him to be what he claims to want to be and that is a man of God.
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you. I'm working on this, obviously H's current actions still hurt and I think that's normal.

So, since I am about 2 months since H told me he wanted a D and 30 days from finding out about OW and still feel I am being called by God to not give up on H or our M (although I realize that it may go all the way to D and H's remarriage to OW in between) I'm not sure how much more detached I should be at this point.

I realize that not everyone will agree with my faith to stand for our marriage, in light of all the current circumstances but I am strong in my faith and my faith calls me to ignore the worldly circumstances and walk by faith alone. God clearly wants our M restored, that is very clear in His Word so if that is in His plan we may still need to go through all of this in order to become the people He wants us to be and have the M that He wants us to have. I also realize that God gives us free will and that H may never come around. If that is the plan I am quite sure that God will begin to give me that word and He will change my heart at that point and I will be able to completely let go and move on then.

Please, Mr. Bond, if you disagree please let me know. I can take it! Again, we may not agree on this but I know you come from a place of experience and I believe you have my best interest, as a whole person, in mind so I respect what you have to say.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
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kml Offline
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Some things to consider when H is there:

1) Look FABULOUS all the time. It doesn't hurt to let him see how cute you are.

2) DO NOT CLING. Look happy and independent. Right now he needs to start worrying about losing you, if you pursue him then that thought will never enter his pea-brain.

3) If he is taking the kids to do something on his own, make sure when he picks them up that you are dressed up, with perfume, as if perhaps you were going on a date, and that you leave the house when the kids do - I don't care if you get in the car and drive around the block until he leaves, but just make it LOOK as if you might be going out on a date or dancing with girlfriends. If he asks you where you're going, give some vague answer ("Meeting a friend.... No, no one you know"). What you need is plausible deniability (that is, you really aren't dating or doing anything untoward) but leave enough mystery that he could IMAGINE that you might.

4) Be cheerful, upbeat, fun, sexy, flirtatious - it's ok to show him what he's missing.

5) At some point, I'd consider asking him point blank if OW is pregnant. If she's not, the question might just introduce some fear into his thought processes (because right now he's in fantasyland and hasn't thought that far ahead). If she IS pregnant, the sooner you know the better.

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It's not that I disagree. It's that you are "hoping" for a good time with your H. This shows you're still looking at him for your happiness. When you do that, if he doesn't meet your expectations of what you think he should do, you will be disappointed.

Detach your feelings from him. Not saying that you stop loving or care for him, but that you don't hinge your emotions on his actions. Got it?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Kml, thank you for all your tips. I will try my best to be cheerful, fun,sexy and flirtatious and NOT CLINGY! Gonna do my best to act "as if" and that I am ok, or even better than ok.

Originally Posted By: kml
5) At some point, I'd consider asking him point blank if OW is pregnant. If she's not, the question might just introduce some fear into his thought processes (because right now he's in fantasyland and hasn't thought that far ahead). If she IS pregnant, the sooner you know the better.

Ugh. You are so right. I do have to do this. I need to know. Of course, he has lied about so much lately, even when asked point blank ("is there another woman?" "No") that I'm not sure that I can fully believe any answer he gives me. He claims that he only lies to me to "protect" me from hurt and I know he knows that this will hurt me very badly so I'm scared that he will lie and continue to hide the reality if it is actually true. I do need to ask though. Maybe not this week, depending on how things go at the pumpkin patch.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
It's not that I disagree. It's that you are "hoping" for a good time with your H. This shows you're still looking at him for your happiness. When you do that, if he doesn't meet your expectations of what you think he should do, you will be disappointed.

Yep, you are totally right. I am hoping that we have such a good time that he comes out of his MLC, repents and begs me to reconcile. THAT is the truth. No denying it. But, you are right, I need to detach and let go of my hopeful expectations so that I am protected, emotionally, when they (likely) do not happen. I understand where you are coming from now, and I agree and I'm glad you pointed it out so that I can reframe my expectations and actions and not get so down when my dream of an outing is not so dreamy. Thank you.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
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kml Offline
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Quote:
He claims that he only lies to me to "protect" me from hurt


They all say this - but the truth is, he lies to protect HIMSELF from having to deal with the natural CONSEQUENCES of his action.

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fthnluv Offline OP
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So, dreading tomorrow when H comes "home" to be with the kids. He hasn't checked in with me or given me any information on when he will be here or when he is leaving or where he is staying. I only know he comes in tomorrow night and goes back east on Monday night. Not sure if he is coming here to our home to stay over any of those nights and, if not, when he will be here on Friday to do the pumpkin patch thing (and then high-tail it away from me, I'm sure). I want to reach out and ask him what the plans are so I can make my own but I'm trying to do a 180 here and having a precise schedule is what he is used to.

At this point I have made plans for Friday night and Saturday which can go into Sunday if I want them to. They are flexible, though, so if he wants to do something else as a family I can entertain that (not likely to happen).

I'm debating about Monday... 2 of the kids have school that day. I, of course, normally get up at 5:30 and get them off to school, take care of S3 and then pick them up from the bus, do homework, make dinner, baths, etc by myself. H says he would be available to do that. Part of me wants to "make" him, show him all the work I do each day that I resent that he's just leaving ALL to me for the rest of my life. The other part says to act nice and cool and friendly and ask him if he wants me to be here to help with all of that and go by what he says. The issue I have is, if he wants me to get up and get them off to school and then he leaves me alone for the day until I can help again with the afternoon/night stuff I think I will really resent that and feel used. Any opinions on how to handle that?

If you pray, please say a prayer that I handle myself in the best way possible on Friday and through any and all interactions with H this weekend. Thanks!


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Help! I checked into H's flight home tonight to see if his flight was on time and found that he has ANOTHER flight booked to come back to SFO from New Jersey for NEXT weekend as well. The big thing is, this flight is booked with the OW listed as a 2nd passenger... I am freaking out! Is he planning to bring OW here and introduce our kids to her this soon? The little ones don't even know that he wants a divorce yet and I'm REALLY not ready to have them met "her"... H does not know that I still get his flight notifications so he does not know that I know about this other flight and that I have now found out who the OW is. I assume he will bring it up to me sometime this weekend (on second thought, IF he shows, he may not even show and he may just have not had the guts to tell me that yet) and I'm not sure the best way to react to all of it.

The really ironic thing is, I found her Facebook profile (the little I can see of it) and she is younger (no surprise) and looks totally different than me (dark hair and eyes, too much makeup, long extensions hair, typical of what a man in MLC would want). She is beautiful, I will admit that. But, here's the ironic thing: her only "likes" she has is for Godvine and the church near where they are living. Ummm... if you are claiming to be a Christian don't you know that he can't have a marriage with you and still be in God's grace? I just want to sit them both down and talk some sense into them!

So, how should I handle all of this? Obviously I can't tell him I know about who she is and their flights back here, and I can't *really* assume that he is coming to see his family or the kids (they *could* just be going to San Francisco) but I think the reality is obvious. In fact, if he is here on Halloween and doesn't bother to come see his kids or even let them know he is in town he is in even a worse head space than I thought.

They say it gets much worse before it gets better. Now I'm just praying that she is not pregnant, it seems like that is the only thing that could hurt me even worse at this point. I'm certainly ready for things to get better, or easier.

Thanks!


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline
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Quote:
But, here's the ironic thing: her only "likes" she has is for Godvine and the church near where they are living. Ummm... if you are claiming to be a Christian don't you know that he can't have a marriage with you and still be in God's grace?


You are assuming she knows you two were together when she started up with him - he may have been telling her he was already in the process of a divorce or some such other BS.

Who knows what he's thinking? Maybe she just wants to come out and visit friends and family of her own over Halloween. Or maybe he is just that big of an idiot that he thinks he can announce the divorce to the kids this weekend and bring her out the next. Or maybe she whined and kicked like a little child so he promised he would take her to SF the next weekend, who knows?

I wouldn't let on that you have this information (so that you don't lose a potentially valuable source of future info). You may just have to sit back and see what he says this weekend.

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fthnluv Offline OP
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I completely assume that she did not know we were still together when they got together. When I asked him (when I found out about her) "Does she know that you are married?" he said "She knows I am getting a divorce." which I think is his way of not saying that he has always presented himself as separated.

I doubt she is coming to visit family and friends of her own, she's from VA and they live in PA. She doesn't have anyone on the west coast that I know of. Of course, that *could* be possible.

Given her age (I think she's about 25-28 from her looks), she very well could have whined and kicked like a baby. Who knows. It just shocks me how fast he is moving with her...


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline
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Quote:
Now I'm just praying that she is not pregnant, it seems like that is the only thing that could hurt me even worse at this point.


You might as well ask him. Knowledge is power.

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