It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[Matt165]

fth,
Oh, yes. They will amaze you with their incredible feats of selfishness. My W stopped being a mother to both our D's (14 and 19). First, she would "forget" to go to a parent meeting at school (after we had talked just 2 hours before it started), then she would tell me that I was a bad parent because I watched a horror movie with my 14 year old D. Another thing they do is treat the kids like they are younger or older than they are. She would treat my D14 like she was much younger and has pretty much just stopped caring about D19. My D19 said that it's like she thinks there is no way she's her D because, in her mind, she's WAY to young to have a 19 year old child!

Have you read the DB book? If not I suggest you take the time, it's worth it. You are still in denial and anger but you will get past that. Oh, and be careful about texts and sending the wrong ones. I did that too and got hurt by it. It's hard because our minds are fried I know but one wrong thing with an MLCer and they will blow sky high and never care about what they do.

Hang in there fth. You can and will make it through this!

[fthnluv]

fth,
Oh, yes. They will amaze you with their incredible feats of selfishness.

So sad and true. Ugh, and I fear this is only the beginning. I am preparing myself for when H backs out on his commitment to come to D4's upcoming birthday party. Won't that be fun? Explaining to all my family and his why he is not at his daughters birthday. Not sure how I'm gonna handle that, if I'm just going to say it was a work obligation he could not get out of at the last minute or tell them that he has filed for D and did not want to face everyone yet...

Yes, I am reading the Divorce Remedy book (I think that's the updated DR book, right?). I have almost finished it and I am trying to practice the LRT (at least in theory) but it's so hard to completely pull away and get a life when I am so sad and also still have some expectations on him actually participating in his kids lives. I guess I need to give those expectations up for a while. The funny (not really) thing is, he claims to love his kids and want to be the best dad to them but he's clearly not doing the work to be that and still putting his needs and feelings above theirs. I guess that's why I sent that text, I wanted to believe that he misunderstood because of the text sent in error afterwards but really, he saw the one that pertained to him, he just doesn't care enough to put forth any effort, even for his kids.

[fthnluv]

Well, tonight may have marked a turning point in H's relationship with S8. H texted wanting to talk with the kids (the littles are at my MIL's tonight, I only have S8) and I told S8 that Daddy wanted to call and talk to him. S8 refused to talk to him. I texted H back telling him that S8 did not want to talk. H texted back that he understood and asked me to tell S8 that he love's him. Of course, I replied (and did, of course). I assume he did call and talk to D4 and S3 at MIL's so that would be good, for them. This may mean nothing, it might just be that S8 is just not in the mood in general but considering that H has only called them once in the last 2 weeks I'm kind of hoping this hits him in the heart as to the reality of what a R, from across the country, and reaching out so infrequently, could look like. I'm hoping it does hit him some and he does not like it. I had NOTHING to do with S8's decision, and even warned S8 against it, telling him he might hurt H's feelings but he did not waver. In the midst of MLC it might mean nothing to H but maybe, somehow, someway, someday he might realize what he is doing and feel bad about it.

[fthnluv]

Boy, this journey sure is a rollercoaster. I had really bad days then followed by a pretty good day a couple of days ago and then yesterday was pretty bad, emotionally, again. I normally like rollercoasters, but not this one!

When I last spoke to H he advised that his attorney was not going to move forward with the D until we could settle some of the financial issues. I knew hat there was another form that needed to be filed with the courts before the next stage would start and that I would need to respond to that in a timely manner. I had held off in retaining an attorney (although I spoke to multiple) in hopes that I wouldn't have to fight this. I told H that he needed to confirm that nothing new would be filed because if I got blindsided by more paperwork I would fight the date of separation. H said he would check and let me know. Today I decided to call the court and see if the next form, the "affidavit" had been filed. It was filed on 10/3, Friday, the very day I spoke to H. Why do they lie about EVERYTHING?

I called and retained the attorney I spoke to back in PA and he is going to get the paperwork and call and speak to H's attorney. He says that 99.9% of divorces are not granted until after all the martial assets and debts are figured out anyway so he does not think we have to be in a huge hurry but I don't want to lose the opportunity to contest the date of separation because in PA you cannot unilaterally D until you have been separated 2 years. I am contesting this for 2 reasons, 1. It is just plain wrong, and I have to live with this lie for the rest of my life and I want to say I did the right thing. 2. If we go by his date he can get the D before we get the tax situation settled and I will be stuck with a $20k bill that I cannot afford to pay. If we get the D delayed we will have the time to work that out with the IRS as we had been working on.

Ugh. I'm just so annoyed by all the lies.

[ericmsant2]

Why do they lie about everything?

If I gave you the reason would it change anything?

I find myself wondering why I would even want this guy back? I don't, I guess, I want the man I loved for 23 years back, not this idiot.

“For better or for worse”…..everybody can do the for better part.

Maybe try calling your H “teacher” instead of idiot.

I am ALONE and do not even have a partner to rant to and console me and make decisions with it is just incredibly painful

IMO, you are never ALONE…you may “feel” alone – a big difference.

Fthnluv,

I would like to ask you a question. Beside trying to outlast your H’s crisis …and beside working on the legal aspect of getting D’ed. What is YOUR plan for YOUR life for the next 30 days? Can you bullet it out for me?

[fthnluv]

Maybe try calling your H “teacher” instead of idiot.

That's a tough one for me. Although I believe I will learn about myself and life through this life lesson I have a hard time attributing it to him as a teacher. To me, a teacher is a person I would look up to and who is knowingly trying to make me better and learn something. I do not think either of these things about H. Interesting perspective, though, I'll think on it.

I would like to ask you a question. Beside trying to outlast your H’s crisis …and beside working on the legal aspect of getting D’ed. What is YOUR plan for YOUR life for the next 30 days? Can you bullet it out for me?

Also a hard question. I have been wrestling with the fact that I really do not know who I am, outside of his wife, mother to my kids and lover of God. That being the case, I don't know what my life needs to look like. I think if I had to figure it out I would say:

* Throw an amazing birthday party for D4 as I always do, and try not to worry about whether or not H will attend and how to deal with the R questions that will inevitably come up from all sides of the family.

* Do my testing and assessment to go back to college as I planned. Get enrolled in an online class or 2 for the next semester that I can.

* Continue looking for ways I can reduce my cost of living so that I can survive when H cannot afford to pay me this winter, which I believe will happen at some point.

* Be an awesome Mom to my kids and deepen and strengthen my bond in long-lasting ways with each of them.

* Continue with my bible study and deepen my relationship with the Lord so that I know I can fully rely on Him and His plan for my life, regardless of if H and I reconcile.

* Get some Christmas shopping done so that I already have a holiday to look forward to.

* Go out and have some fun at some point with my girlfriends. Just to let loose a little (if I can).

I think that's about all I can come up with now, and maybe even more than I can actually do.

[ericmsant2]

Fthnluv

I believe I will learn about myself and life through this life lesson I have a hard time attributing it to him as a teacher. To me, a teacher is a person I would look up to and who is knowingly trying to make me better and learn something. I do not think either of these things about H.

DB101 “change how you look at things”…..

IMO, everyone is a teacher of sorts. If you choose, you can learn a lot from just about everyone. You can learn what to do AND what NOT to do. You can learn how to be and also how NOT to be. IMO, I find that when I look or have to deal with people that are difficult – they teach me things….they teach me 1) that I do not want to end up like them 2) they teach me to learn to be more compassionate 3) they teach me that I am the one that controls how I feel.

So maybe…if you look at your H as a teacher, he will teach you things that YOU do not want to do or teach you who….YOU DO NOT WANT to be.

I also found that if you look at people as teachers – it really does help eliminate all of the ugly negative feelings you can have towards someone. Just my 2 cents.

I have been wrestling with the fact that I really do not know who I am, outside of his wife, mother to my kids and lover of God. That being the case, I don't know what my life needs to look like.

My initial reaction is….do you remember what Cadet posted on your page when you first joined?

“you have been given the gift of TIME” ….use it wisely.

Right now, you have the time to figure out who YOU really want to be. It really is a gift, if you see it as such (i.e. “change how you look at things”).

That being the case, I don't know what my life needs to look like.

Need to me sound like a “reaction”….. Have you considered reframing the above…..instead of “need”….use the word “want”. Cause honestly, that is the goal. What is it that YOU (and you alone) WANT you your life to look like. This is YOUR life Fthnluv….you can choose to change how it looks, how you want it to be. First though…comes to hard part….accepting that the only person you can control is YOU.

Lemme show you something….

Throw an amazing birthday party for D4 as I always do, and try not to worry about whether or not H will attend and how to deal with the R questions that will inevitably come up from all sides of the family.

This ^^^ is not about YOU – it is about D4. Yes you may enjoy it and yes I suspect you feel great when you do it. It still is not about fthnluv the women – it is about fthnluv the mom. A big difference.

Be an awesome Mom to my kids and deepen and strengthen my bond in long-lasting ways with each of them.

This is another fthnluv the “MOM” goal.

Get some Christmas shopping done so that I already have a holiday to look forward to.

I suspect that this shopping is probably for family, kids, friends… or is it….fthnluv is gonna go shopping for HERSELF and get a nice pair of heels that are affordable but something that SHE wants for herself.

Continue with my bible study and deepen my relationship with the Lord so that I know I can fully rely on Him and His plan for my life, regardless of if H and I reconcile.

Amen for that! Just remember….IMO, God helps those who help themselves. FTR, I am not questioning or challenging your faith or your R with God – I hope what I wrote did not come across that way.

Continue looking for ways I can reduce my cost of living so that I can survive when H cannot afford to pay me this winter, which I believe will happen at some point.

I think this is a good goal. It may be a bit “reactionary”, which I understand. Even though it is a very good goal…I wonder how much of it is really about you. Now, personally, if reducing your cost of living is so that YOU can achieve the real goals….then this is not a goal. The end state (maybe a vacation weekend for you or a pedi, mani, etc.) is really the goal.

Do my testing and assessment to go back to college as I planned. Get enrolled in an online class or 2 for the next semester that I can.

Now this seems to be about YOU. Kudos to you!

Go out and have some fun at some point with my girlfriends. Just to let loose a little (if I can).

BINGO! “if I can”….believe it or not YOU can. It takes one step…one action…. “Choice” – choose to do it.

I know you are going through a lot, I know that this is not easy and is quite scary. Use this time wisely, use it to learn who fthnluv is. Yes, part of you will be mom, part of you will be employee or boss, part of you will be some ones partner (be it your H or not), part of you will be a daughter, sister, cousin, part of you will be God child….. who though is fthnluv apart from all of that? Once you find that women, once you fall in love with that women…….ohhhh……..life gets really good.

God Bless,
Eric

[fthnluv]

Thanks Eric. You are so right about looking at all people as teachers. I guess I hadn't really thought it through but the bottom line is that we do learn from everyone we encounter, in some way or another, as you said. Thanks for the perspective.

My initial reaction is….do you remember what Cadet posted on your page when you first joined?

“you have been given the gift of TIME” ….use it wisely.

Right now, you have the time to figure out who YOU really want to be. It really is a gift, if you see it as such (i.e. “change how you look at things”).

Yes, I do remember that and it sunk in very deeply. In fact, I just quoted that exact comment to my girlfriend yesterday while talking. I just need to start actually DOING it. That is, using this time wisely. I think once I start I will also begin the healing process that will help me get to the point I need to be for myself AND for any R that may happen in the future, with whoever God leads me to. I do find myself wondering, if I am completely honest, that if I completely detach, pull away and focus on myself if I will lose the love I have for H and I guess that scares me. I can't imagine not loving him like I do now and always have but maybe I'm afraid of what that could look like and what that would mean for my wanting to reconcile our M. Maybe I'm afraid that I really won't stand by our vows and do the "for worst" part if I find out who I really am and like myself and don't NEED him anymore? Just some thoughts.

First though…comes to hard part….accepting that the only person you can control is YOU.

So true. I am a bit controlling and a fixer by nature, so this is a hard lesson I am learning. H had always been a "go along to get along" kind of person so him not doing what I want him to do is new for me. Not that he shouldn't have his own free will, I'm just not used to us not being (as far as I could tell) on the same page.

You are also right about many of my goals being about my kids and me as a Mom. I guess I can't quite separate myself from the Mom person as who I am on my own yet. I will work on that because, yes, I deserve to take care of just ME and my own mental health and who I want to be, outside of my kids and others and H. Thank you for pointing that out. I never looked at it that way before. I truly appreciate your wise words, Eric, they make me really think and change my focus. I just love the support on this board!

Once you find that women, once you fall in love with that women…….ohhhh……..life gets really good.

I'm really looking forward to that. I have been blessed in many ways and most people would be surprised that I do not really know who I am and certainly do not love her (yet) so I guess I really need to look at this as a journey, not only one that H has to go on, on his own, but that I MUST go on as well in order to be who I want to be and who I need to be to be a whole person on my own, worthy of love that is given to me.

[ericmsant2]

if I am completely honest, that if I completely detach, pull away and focus on myself if I will lose the love I have for H and I guess that scares me.

FAITH. TRUST.

We tend to be afraid of what we cannot control. Learning to ACCEPT that loss of control is one of the hardest lessons in life – at least IMO. Have you prayed about it? Have you truly let go and let God? Maybe start by truly and really leaving him in God’s hands for now.

I can't imagine not loving him like I do now and always have but maybe I'm afraid of what that could look like and what that would mean for my wanting to reconcile our M. Maybe I'm afraid that I really won't stand by our vows and do the "for worst" part if I find out who I really am and like myself and don't NEED him anymore?

More FEAR…. What really stood out to me was the use of the word “NEED”… In healthy R’s you should not base being with someone on NEED. It should be a WANT. Think about it….do you really want someone that just pays bills, fixes stuff around the house, give YOU what you NEED only and accepts whatever YOU feel like giving HIM? To me, that is a one sided R. A lot of people come here and the M’s were never really healthy to begin with (I count myself in that group). If you really love him, you can still love him EVEN if he is being a butt head. You may not like him per se.

Trust me, you really WANT someone to WANT you – not NEED you.

So let me ask another question…..

How do YOU FEEL love?

Be as specific as possible. For example, when my fiancé spends the time to listen to me about what is going on my life, when she stops what she is doing and pays attention – we’ll then to me…I feel love.

I am a bit controlling and a fixer by nature, so this is a hard lesson I am learning.

A lot of people are. It really is a b*tch to try and change the behavior. It can be done though. It really can. Are you ready to do what it takes to change it. Change it for YOU not for YOUR H.

Not that he shouldn't have his own free will, I'm just not used to us not being (as far as I could tell) on the same page.

IMO, a good marriage is about sharing control. About passing control back and forth with each other. It flows…like water. Accepting that both parties will change, will grow – not always at the same time. I also believe that you can have a good marriage and still get D’d. Yep, I know this is a divorce busting web site and I personally do not agree with divorce; however, I have learned to accept that everyone has a God given right to live the way THEY choose to. So instead of trying to control them/it, I accept that people do things, say things….that I may not agree with. I also give thanks for what I have TODAY – for tomorrow I may not be here.

An older poster who I have a great deal of respect for once said to me…….

Some people will be in your life forever, some will be there for a season…or even sometimes for several seasons….. accepting and enjoying what you do have, while you have and also giving people the freedom to be who they want to be…..that is the key.

most people would be surprised that I do not really know who I am

I’m not. It is a journey fthnluv…really a journey…no different than your M or your R with God. It takes time. Right now…this is YOUR time.

God Bless,
Eric

[fthnluv]

We tend to be afraid of what we cannot control. Learning to ACCEPT that loss of control is one of the hardest lessons in life – at least IMO. Have you prayed about it? Have you truly let go and let God? Maybe start by truly and really leaving him in God’s hands for now.

I am working on letting go and letting God take care of him (and me and my kids). Clearly I am not there yet, it is definitely something I need to concentrate prayer on more.

Trust me, you really WANT someone to WANT you – not NEED you.

I agree. It makes me so sad that he no longer wants me. I once told him that I feel like that Cheap Trick "I want you to want me"...

How do YOU FEEL love?

Not really sure. I think, going by the Love Languages I have found that I am a Quality Time gal. I want to spend time with the person I love, no matter what we are doing (of course, if it's somewhere alone and exotic that's even better). I also am a Words of Affirmation person. Words, particularly in songs just get to me every time. When H would text in the past and tell me he loves me or just "good morning" it meant the world to me.

Thanks again for the insight, Eric. I truly appreciate people like you getting me on the right path.


So, today was an ok day. It started off as a "going to be fun Mommy and S8 day" but then I got an email from H with his propositions for the D agreement (financial stuff from alimony to child support to life insurance to bank accounts... and many "terms" that I do not like) and it came right when we were waiting for our movie to start and put me in a funk. I advised that this was stuff that I needed to run by my lawyer and then we should talk in person because much tone is lost in written translation. Then later we traveled to a nearby city to meet with my sister and her family to go see the band For King and Country play at their church. The concert was AWESOME and really got me back out of my funk.

So, here's the question of the day for you all... H says he "can't make it to D4's party" but he wants to come the following weekend. I know that he does not want to come because he does not want to face both our families and tell them his decision to D me. I am generally well liked by all sides of the family and have been seen as somewhat of a saint these last nearly 2 years taking care of the 3 kids on my own while he worked out of state. People, on both sides are not going to like his decision and many will tell him so. H does not want to deal with that and I know it.

I was thinking of texting him later today and telling him that we can simply move D4's party to the weekend he wants to be here. Then, the ball is in his court and if he still will not come it will be obvious that it is not the date, it is the above reasons. I'm struggling with letting him make a decision (for whatever reason is in his head and his "reality") that will hurt D4's feelings (major Daddy's girl) and H in the long run (you can't get these events back) and with letting him do what he wants and deal with the lifelong consequences.

Also, if I do not suggest the party date change and just let him not come to her party, how do I explain his absence to family and friends that will be here without lying? Next to none of these people know we are separated now and he has filed for D (and certainly not about him living with OW). I could tell the truth, that he has filed for divorce and did not feel comfortable coming to the party but, as I still want to reconcile in the future, I want to make sure that what I say does not come back to bite me in the rear later. I *could* tell him he needs to contact his side of the family prior but he won't do it and I know it. He lets me do his "dirty work".

Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!