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Joined: Aug 2014
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Prior thread: New here, my fairytale gone wrong

I spent much of the day trying to figure out why I couldn't reply to my previous thread... then I realized that it had reached over 100 posts so was locked... D'oh! moment for sure!

Spoke to H today. He is waiting to hear back from tax attorney with question he has. He said that he spoke to his attorney and that he wants to work out a mutual consent divorce with him taking care of all the taxes by himself. He says his attorney thinks he's crazy. I later found out that even if WE agreed to do that in the D the IRS will not honor it at all and could go after me for the taxes anyway. Gonna have to come up with something else. My plan is to wait to have the D finalized until the taxes are settled and paid but I might not be able to stall that long.

He said that his attorney will not change the date of separation on the unilateral divorce because it won't matter and can be changed if we go mutual consent instead. His attorney also thinks that H might win that hearing, I don't know how, considering I have lots of texts, counselor statements, a couples vacation (with sex) and pics of him acting as my husband with his ring still on as late as August of this year... I'm still torn on the possibility of a mutual consent D, I do not want to agree to the divorce at all, morally. My understanding is that mutual consent divorces take about 90-120 days, whereas if I fight and win this unilateral divorce based on date of separation it will be 2 years from August... I told him I will not decide what I need to do until I see the next paperwork from his attorney but I might still contest that date if I have to.

At this point he is still being generous, in theory, in reality he may not be able to meet all the financial obligations he is committing himself to so there's not much security in it anyway. I guess we will wait to see the paperwork.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Oh, and a good thing too. Today, for the first time in 2 weeks (since I found out about OW) for about 30 minutes I felt a little peace and happiness and security! It only lasted 30 minutes or so but I'll take it! Maybe tomorrow I'll get it again for 31 minutes...


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Posts: 12,602
I guess you don't need my advice. Good luck


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Aug 2014
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
I guess you don't need my advice. Good luck

This confuses me. Why would you think I don't need your advice? It sounds like your stance on standing for M based on your marital vows is similar to mine. That does not mean I don't waver or that I still need to weigh heavily the pro's and con's of each legal decision I make. You are obviously a very valued contributor here and I want ANY advice or opinions you are willing to give. Did I miss something? I'm not exactly in MY right mind now either, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was advice I missed or didn't take completely to heart.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Usually when a poster doesn't respond to someone who posted to them it means that they aren't interested in what they have to say. You replied to everyone who responded to you except for my comment, so I assumed you didn't think it relevant.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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If you are referring to this post that you made to me
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I guess my confusion lies in the idea that maybe I didn't really know him at all, ever, and that he has always been a totally different person than I thought."

You've known him for 23 years. I'm sure you "know" him. But people change. It's how life is. We all evolve. The advantage you have is the fact that you have been with him for that long. What have his behaviors changed to? What does he like? Dislike? Use those facts to your advantage. Don't overly do it, but apply what you know here and there.


then I'm not really sure how you expected me to respond specifically to that. I took your advice to heart and will use the way I know him to help strengthen our R (for whatever it is now) when I have a chance in the future. I certainly didn't mean to insult you are make you think that I didn't care about what you said, I'm just not sure exactly how I should have responded to that. I guess a "thanks, I'll keep that in mind" could have been said and I'm sorry I didn't and gave you the impression that I don't want or need your advice, that's not the case at all.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Had another rough day today. Some days the depression or sadness is so much worse than others.

I went to church and spoke with my favorite fellow-church-goer. She is a sweet elderly lady who is praying for me and H and for the restoration of our M. She says she feels that something good is going to happen soon (I pray she's right, although "something" could be anything, I could use some good right now). She is just an amazing support and reminds me to stop the negative thinking and be a good example to my kids. I just adore her.

Came home and was able to take a nap for a bit while my parents helped me out with the kids. I've always thought it is odd that I rarely remember my dreams but I am happy about that these days, I have a feeling I would be having nightmares about H and the OW. I recently started taking melatonin before bed but I think I'm gonna back off of that because I am more aware of my dreams but I still don't remember them, really. Some people have reported crazy dreams with melatonin so I think I'll stop before they get too crazy.

Gonna try to do some work this week on getting ready to test to go back to college. I had started that before H announced he wanted a D and before I found out about the OW. I need to begin to move forward, if I can, to GAL.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
I'm a mess today. If I'm not sleeping I am crying. Picturing H with the OW and doing all the things we used to do. Remembering all the times I made mistakes in what I said or how I reacted to something. I remember once, last year, we were driving and the song "Marry Me" came on and H told me the song reminded him of me. I remember being puzzled and sort of dismissing it. I regret that so much, I should have really listened to the words and been complimented and told him I loved that he still wanted to marry me. Now, he wants to marry HER. I'm just so sad about all I have lost. He WAS the H any woman would be lucky to have and somehow I feel like I let him get away. I want my H (the one I still believe is in there) back SO BAD. I just can't get over him and the love we had for each other. I want to tell him so much how much I miss him. I want him to miss me too. I'm just so sad today.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
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Hi fth,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad. You are still just starting this, you will have days like this but they will become less and less as time goes on. I know how you feel because I have (and still do) feel the same way at times. I have found that, no matter how badly I wish for something or want something or even pray for it, I just don't have the power to make anyone feel anything. There's just no way to do it.

I never thought I would hear my W say she wanted a D. NEVER. She had come from a family where her parents went through a bad D and she swore to never put her kids or herself through that. Then one day (b-day) it all changed. Nothing we do, nothing we say can make them go back. We sure can make things worse but there just aren't any magic words that will make things better.

Just let the feelings pass through you. You can't stop them but you can manage your way through them.

We're all thinking of you fth. Just remember, someday this will all be a memory. You just need to get past today!

Joined: Aug 2014
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Thanks Matt. I know what you say is true, some days are just harder to get through than others. I truly appreciate your support.

I texted H tonight to tell him we needed to discuss a school incident that came up with S8 and so he could talk to S8 about it (a fairly serious acting out incident, BTW). I then accidentally texted him back a text "he isn't going for custody" that I meant to text a friend and told him that the last text was sent to him on accident. H never responded. I then texted him again after S8 went to bed, almost 2 hours after it showed he read the text and he claims he "just got the text" and was going to bed and would call in the morning (which I advised doesn't work for me, other obligations). Why do they lie about everything? He clearly read the text 2 hours earlier and had plenty of time to call and talk to S8. Apparently what I am hearing is true, H isn't just running from me, he is running from being a father too. Ugh. It's so incredibly frustrating. I find myself wondering why I would even want this guy back? I don't, I guess, I want the man I loved for 23 years back, not this idiot.

Single parenthood... I didn't sign up for this. It's so incredibly hard. I thought it was hard when we were only separated due to work (or so I thought) but when it's clear that I am ALONE and do not even have a partner to rant to and console me and make decisions with it is just incredibly painful.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
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