1. Control myself and no one else 2. Go to my happy place always 3. Be assertive about getting respect, especially from Clark 4. Go GAL more 5. Invite Clark to GAL with me 6. STFU, listen and validate
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
So, how do I break through Clark's resentment and anger?
He was his oh so cheery self this morning...I'm really getting tired of his attitude. He has dropped some eye contact and is feeling unattractive. We were doing so well earlier this week. I thought we were on track. I'm stumped with the reaction he is still having to my comment Tuesday night. I'm not sure what he's thinking anymore. He's shut down contact too.
I am being happy around him. Smiling, trying to joke,but little to no response. I'm approaching this differently than I did before. I don't know if this is the right way or not. I guess none of us know with this MLC stuff.
I guess I'm asking the vets and those who have gone into piecing. Again we're not 100% there, but I feel we are on that track. How can I get past his anger and resentment without totally detaching again?
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
My inexperienced gut tells me that if he has dropped eye contact, and you are getting little or no response.....then perhaps make plans for yourself and be busy. I would say give him a lot of space. Don't initiate contact. Go dark for a while until the wind blows another direction.
I don't think you want to try to break through his resentment and anger....that's for him to change, yeah?
Again, I'm certainly not in piecing....still in pieces, lol. But I don't think you can go wrong by giving plenty of space, FWIW.
Yes to what Shining said. YOU don't break through his anger and resentment. You let him figure that out and detach. Detach. Detach. He's far from figuring out his stuff. Give him lots of space. He is still on a roller coaster that you don't need a fast pass for. Nope.
I'm not a vet, however I can see this. It sounds like Clarke moved back in and he's still the same. Focus on you and the kids. Let him work through his stuff. Be cordial and friendly neighborish.
Hang in there! You cannot fix him or *make* him do or see anything. Hope you have fun stuff planned for the weekend:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Atsbaby, I just caught up on your sitch and wow oh wow. Mr. Gritty and I had the mother of all fights, too.
Lucky for us we are still separated. (Really? LUCKY???) I don't know that we could do this while living together at this stage. I feel this separation allows us to both run back to our caves and lick our wounds when we need to.
Note that I thought I would die when he left me.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
It's been awhile, but man life has taken a crazy direction. After I posted last time, I decided to go to the football game with Clark and it went well. We talked that night and seemed to clear a little more air. Clark broke his boundary rule and has everyday
I cleaned out my d9 folder the other night and she had drawings of Freddy Kruger, Jason, Chucky and Slenderman....not very happy she even knows who these characters are! Then Monday, during fall break, I was at work and my mom texted me that d9 asked how to spell suicide...WTF? Pretty sure it's mostly curiosity, but omg, not what a mom wants to hear.
So that night Clark and I sit down and talk with her about the drawings and the looking up suicide. I want to seek counseling for her, but Clark isn't there yet (surprise!). As we were talking, more Clark than me, he mentioned faults and thinking that she was doing which are like him! "I have repressed my childhood memories because it was traumatic for me. I don't like it, but I can't remember anything from before my parents divorced. I'll make a deal with you, I will get counseling too."
What? Did I just hear you correctly Clark? Granted this happened Monday and no movement on the counseling, but at least there is now awareness and some clarity speaking.
We still have a long way to go, but things are starting to connect within Clark. I've let my expectations get the best of me a few times, and I need to practice this some more...he's still not there yet. Heck, he still has the D petition on hold, not even ready to drop it yet, even though we are making plans for the future.
I'll update more of my week later, but all in all still headed in the right direction.
Last edited by Atsbaby; 10/10/1402:19 PM.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Your h is baking up nicely. Continue as you have been. It's interesting that he's finally mentioned his childhood memories. Listen and validate if he should talk about them.
If you've not already done a search on Slenderman, you may want to do so. The show 20/20 had an hour special on this game and what happened to a 12 yr old girl when she went over for a sleep over at her friend's house. The friend and another young lady stabbed her 19 times in a wooded lot and left her for dead because they were into the Slenderman fantasy game and wanted to prove that they could be a part of his life. As for Freddy Kruger, Jason and Chucky, they have nothing on the Slenderman and his illusive mansion in the "sky". I would definitely monitor her on the computer, etc., to ensure she leaves this game alone.
Atsbaby, you are dong great. Allow him to continue baking on a low, slow temperature. The safer he feels around you and the family, the more he'll open up.
I heard about the story on 20/20, but don't know all of the slender man story. It's amazing the way this generation is now growing up! I don't think I even knew my first curse word until I was in 6th grade...and mine know all of them. Sad times really!
Clark is baking nicely. I'm still leery of the OW. Not all contact has been broken and I don't want to push the issue. Out of sight, out of mind (too bad not completely out of my mind). He met her during lunch, and his lunch hour is still a hot subject for me. As is when he goes to bed in the basement, I'm always questioning what he's doing (in my head of course. Don't want to come off as insecure, even though I am.)
I'm still guarding my heart, not as much as I think I should, but I haven't given him all of it back yet. Piecing is hard. I feel like I still need to walk on eggshells about certain topics, but I'm more knowledgable on how to respond (don't react).
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Yes, the children today are growing up so quickly and know entirely too much at a young age.
Piecing is hard, in fact, it's the hardest part of the journey. It takes a while for him to settle back into his own skin and he has to earn your trust back. Don't rush the process and remember...it's going to be a new relationship once he's completely baked.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Ats. You sound like you are doing very well. You are so strong. I agree with others (even though I have no experience in this), and to give him some space. He is there, in your space- that's good! Let him come to you. And, when you do go to him, it will be like a nice treat or surprise!
OW and sister have become stalkers and if they aren't careful the police will be involved.
Clark has really started to open up and admit some crazy stuff, I think we may be almost out of the tunnel. I'm still guarded, but enjoying everyday as it's own...I try not to think of the future too much because I really don't know what's in store for us. Hopefully a lifetime!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Ok, so I don't have time yet to talk about my crazy stalkers, but the beiatch is on my mind a lot lately and I hate it.
Clark finally admitted to me that he slept with her, ugh, sick! I have so many questions but I'm not going to ask because I REALLY don't want to know, well sort of, no I don't.
How do I get his infidelity out of my head? I just can't stop thinking about the two of them and I REALLY want to. I know this is something that I have to work on, but I guess what would be a good starting point? Thinking of my happy place is not working
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
It's killer, Ats. I'm not gonna lie. If you figure it out, let me know. Maybe he told you to get it out so you guys can move forward. Others may have a better idea about this. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Especially when things are turning around. But, I guess it is better to deal with it now so you can continue forward.
What is up with those crazy beeotches? Maybe he is really seeing what he was dealing with. Say what???
Hang in there. This is a tough road, Ats. Tread lightly, but forge ahead.
I found it so hard to get past any images of revealed infidelity, EA and PA. I took counseling called EMDR after BD. It was expensive but you don't need to do it very long and you can learn the techniques on your own.
Since Mr. Gritty released information in bits and pieces, it was like getting a BD weekly. Each time I would do my eye movements and thought exercises and it helped me survive some rough times.
Tapping helped, too, especially after he left and I was alone to obsess by myself, and I realized I could still see what he was spending some of our money on. Meditation and prayer always. I average about a week or two before I stop feeling shell-shocked.
Recently he disclosed some info that hit me hard, but I think I processed it better with all the practice I've had.
I'm reading a great book, called "Living and Loving After Betrayal." I liked Shirley Glass' work, but her method of infidelity recovery relies so heavily on the WAS being cooperative. Stosny's book is big on DIY recovery.
It's got exercises for those moments when your thoughts overtake you. People talk about thought-stopping, but this is homework that helps you get there.
Hang in there, sister!
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Hey ATS- haven't "seen" you in awhile- just checking in to make sure you're ok.
Nitty- I too use EMDR. Love it- very powerful tool for negotiating deep rooted issues.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thanks for checking on me, Daring. Still hanging in there. I've been out GALing...ok not really, but I have been quite busy. With Clark at home now, I find it hard to get online...nosy little fellow!
Everything is still moving forward. Clark says he stopped the divorce proceedings, but I don't think he has motioned for withdrawal! Hello? You want our money to be tied up forever? Not going to open that can of worms yet.
We haven't fought, some disagreements, me keeping my mouth shut quite often, so some things are sticking with these changes. I think Clark has moved back to my bedroom, he came in Wednesday night and has been there every night. No snuggling, but we'll get there. I'm still very guarded. Unfortunately OW creeps into my mind still...I don't like it. No current issues from her either. I feel like she's waiting for the right time to strike.
Kids are handling the changes well. They are pushing limits and testing us again. They got away with a lot when we were separated, not so much now.
Piecing is slooooooooooow, so not a lot to report. Hope to check in on you other guys soon! Gotta start my class now
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
And, Nitty, I just got that "Living and Loving" book as an audiobook.
And last year I learned the tapping and EMDR but somewhere along the line, I forgot all about it.
Thanks for reminding me. It does help.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Yay ATS! Was hoping your break was because things were staying positive. Glad you are taking things slowly- that really seems to be the best way.
Try not to let OW own in real estate in your mind. Keep the focus on you and Superman
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Okay...Clark hasn't quite transformed into Superman, but it is a nice start!!
Clark opened up a bit on Monday night. My BIL, who lives 2 hours from us, hosted my FIL (who plays a HUGE roll in Clark's MLC) this past weekend. So by Mon, bil had to let Clark know that "dad will never return to my house" story. When Clark passed this on to me, he talked about some childhood issues and how he hates that he can't remember stuff. Clark also stated if he ever acted like his dad, to "push him off a bridge and make it look like he jumped." I bit my tongue so hard!! I figured this was NOT the ideal time to tell him he has been acting like FIL for months!!
Two weeks ago, we went to see my BIL and his family. Clark was talking about it being weird, which it wasn't really. I was able to talk with sil for a couple of minutes and she stated they were totally confused about Clark and his wanting a D. We weren't able to talk long, but she agreed with me that Clark is acting like FIL.
So side note, I'm actually able to check out this site today because I'm not at work
BUT, the reasoning is not so good. S11 has been complaining about stomach issues for months, which I have said for these same months that it's gallbladder issues. We will find out tomorrow for sure after some testing!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
