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Wife left house. Need help. She is staying at her mother's.

Wife left 2 weeks ago. For first week we had minimal contact and when I tried to call her she did not pick up. Second week I tried my hardest not to contact her at all but slipped up a few times chatting each other online. She wants to meet for dinner but from the chats it seems she has made up her mind and wants to go our separate ways. I am still deeply in love with her and these 2 weeks have been the hardest two weeks of my life.

I can understand her frustration. We have been together for over 10 years and I may have began to be comfortable around our relationship. I admit I did not fight to win her affection and love every day as I did I did in the early years of our relationship. I became complacent in the marriage.

I also did not do my best in supporting her financial/investing goals, I would put in about 50% effort when I could so much more. As well as helping her out with paying the bills and etc. Financially we are well off and both employed with well paying jobs, but just the paying bills part I understand can be time consuming and hard work.

She also feels unloved and not cherished which I can now see. Now that she has left the house I can see that over the years she would ask me to do things and tasks to test me. The tasks she would ask for would push me in the right direction and develop me as better person/adult. But when she saw that I would not put in 100% effort or finish those tasks in a timely manner I guess all those failures and neglects have built up in her heart and it has been hardened. What I saw as nagging and tasks that would be finished when I finished them were actually her last futile attempts at getting me to support her and prove to her I can become more mature. I admit I am childish with no real worries or plans for the future; I always believe things will be OK and take life day by day.

BUT now that she has left me its like I have been blindfolded this whole time and now I can see again. Unfortunately she feels she has had enough and does not want to offer me a chance to show her I can change and be the man she thought I could be when we first met.

I understand this separation is mostly due to my ineptness. But I madly want to stay with her.

I know that I need to support her personal goals no matter what they are. I need to listen to her needs and fulfill them in a timely manner. I need to fight to win her love and affection everyday. I need to help her out with daily chores. I need control my jealousy so that she does not feel like a prisoner. I need to control my anger and not have outbursts; although I have never hurt anyone.

Apologies for the novel but I just needed to get it out. I'm terrified of what she will say at our dinner. Will she call it quits? Serve me with papers? I don't know.

I have read the 37 rules, the 180 technique and the last resort technique and I am trying to apply them by working out and going out with friends but it is extremely difficult to not contact her or wonder what she is doing. I've also picked up the DB book but have not completed reading it. Also when talking on the phone it is extremely difficult for me to keep composure, a couple times I broke down and basically begged her for another shot, to forgive me and that I could change.

I really pray I can get another chance with her. But it is in her hands; I understand you cant make someone love you just because you love them. I feel like I've mucked this one all up and didn't realize it until it was too late. I am still hoping/praying we can give it an honest go.

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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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TWFNOGF,

Glad you are here. You have found the right place.

While I am fairly new here myself let me offer my prayers and sympathy to you because I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing and feeling right now.

A couple of extra suggestions to what Cadet has already mentioned.

1) Take Sandi's 37 rules and I suggest you save them and edit them to reflect your spouses name instead of the pronouns. It was suggested to me and it has helped. Read over them often.

2) Edit your signature line to show some basic info, I.E. Time married, time together, children and ages (if any), date she left, etc

3) If you are Christian or are in need of some prayer guidance please visit our Prayer Circle thread in the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy section.

4) Post often, even if just to journal feelings, thoughts, and events. It helps you get it out and helps the long-timers here help you better.

Sorry your in this position right now.

Last edited by Jefe; 10/06/14 06:26 PM.

Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
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Hi keep posting. A lot of the advice on here is great and the general support is amazing Take care

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When you have dinner with her LISTEN. CLOSELY. Validate what she says. If it comes up, acknowledge your role in how things got to where they are. You don't have to go into details. Just say: I am sorry that my behavior has contributed to the situation that we are in now. If I could go back and do it over I would, and I would welcome the chance to work on these issues, but I respect your need for space (or whatever she's asking for -- separation, divorce). (Even if of course you don't want a divorce.)
Mainly, listen to what she is asking for. Don't make any demands. Don't focus on yourself. Focus on her. She needs to know you are really listening.

Don't be defensive or beg or plead, just hear her out. Validate and support. Then go home and re-read the books. Post on your thread. Reach out for support (but not from her).

It's a long road, so brace yourself for the journey and stay strong.


M: 43 H: 39
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Hey TFWNOGF, welcome to the board.

I know its hard but listen to the advice you get here. Its been a couple of hard weeks, believe us we know, but as they always say around this site "This is a marathon, not a sprint". So buckle in and prepare for a long ride. Make sure first to read DB. Also, I know its natural to try and say the right thing to make her change her mind, but its not that simple. Be sure you don't keep throwing your feelings at her in a breakdown attempt to change your sitch. It doesn't work that way and can only make you look bad. I've been doing this for about a year now and can relate to how you got here in so many ways.

Is there a chance there is an OM in her life?


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

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Still there?

Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks for the support and advice.

Dinner was great. We didn't talk about the R at all and was mostly catching up and small talk. It was just like old times which made it extremely sad for me on the inside.

BUT, on the way home she broke down cried and said she wants to get a legal separation. I also broke down and pleaded for a second chance and promised her I could do better. I know this was a mistake and probably made it worse. Haven't talked for a couple days but it looks like I don't really have a choice but to go with the legal separation. I don't know if there is a reason why she chose legal separation over divorce but I don't want to read into it too much. The next time we talk will probably be over the terms of our separation and finances...

Personally I am sure there is no OM.

I have picked up the Divorce Busting book and have read the first 1/3rd of it. During this separation I will seriously need to buckle down and apply the advice and techniques here. To limit the damage I am doing. I am trying to stay positive and prepare for the worst at the same time. I am still in a state of shell shock and disbelief. Almost as if I am expecting to wake up from a nightmare.

Thank's for your comments and advice! It really helps.

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Very confused. We cleanly split our finances in a civil way and we are going to do a 3 month trail separation. That is the time she thinks she needs to make her decision.

I once again faltered and ask if during this time she will consider working things out after the separation and she responded, "I don't know, probably not." A soul crushing blow. But the question should not have been asked by me in the first place. Time to re-study the materials and execute them no matter how painful. I imagine these next few months will be the hardest thing I've experienced.

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TFWNOGF,
It will certainly not be easy. However, you can make the best of it, and make the time pass quickly.
Stop talking about the R. Start working on yourself. Do the 180s, and be sure you do them right. Detach, GAL, then detach some more and GAL some more. Live for you and strive to make yourself better. You have a short amount of time to make a lot of changes and make them stick. Dont tell her what you are doing, show her.

You will faulter and you will backslide. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back to it.


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Hi. Very hard not to try to talk about M but your W idles not want to talk about it so you have to stop. She has to make HER mind up or what's the point, you cannot convince her only she can do that. Be the best you can be and SHOW her the changes don't tell her about the changes. I hope it works out for you.

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Sorry you are in such a rough situation. However, the good news is that you have come to right place for expert advice on how to save your marriage. Being thhat you have so many doubts and questions that need answers right away, I strongly urge you to speak to a divorce busting coach today. Call me to discuss our Divorce Busting coaching program. 303-444-7004.


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
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Minimal contact in last couple days. Just exchanged pleasantries via chat, how was your day, is work busy etc.

She has asked me and I have agreed to move out of our new house so she can live in it. I'll help pay half the mortgage during the separation and we'll see how it goes from there. She has mentioned that she thinks she will have a decision within 3 months. I'm just worried she has already made up her mind to end at a divorce. OR maybe she is testing me as in the past I have been extremely needy and controlling.

I will continue to not initiate contact and GAL'ing. I've been working out and hanging out with friends more. Thinking about joining some sporting leagues. My goal is to be shredded by the end of 3 months so I have also cut back on soda and eating out.

During the course of the day its OK, when I keep myself busy its not as painful. But I do find coming home, waking up and going to sleep the most painful experiences. Every time I come home to an empty house its just gut wrenching. Waking up and going to bed are where my mind is most vulnerable to wander. In those moments of silence and loneliness my mind runs through all the possible out comes positive or negative. The negative ones bring me down and the positive ones do as well just because I do not know how it will end.

I'll continue trying to be positive and filling my schedule to keep my mind busy.

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Also we have a 13yr anniversary since we met coming up. Any plans on how to handle that? I'm thinking about making her something to mark it. Nothing expensive..

Not sure if it is appropriate to give her something that reminds her of our relationship at this moment.

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Last week she texted me that instead of a trial separation she wants to do a legal separation. Which in our state is explicitly different than divorce. I think it just makes us individual entities financially. I agreed to that; she also asked me to move out of our new house so she can live in it. I also agreed to this because she is staying at her mom's which is very cramped while my parents have a open guest room. Am I being too spineless by agreeing to all this? I feel like I am sacrificing because of my feelings for her.

After the text I immediately stopped initiating contact and I am continuing to do so. She actually reached out to me on the weekend and called me. Just an informal chat about our day maybe 2-3 minutes long. She then texted me the next day asking what I was doing. Haven't talked since.

About the anniversary gift I think I will just make a small inexpensive gift and leave it on our coffee table when I leave the house at the end of this week. I will try not to bring it up in any conversations if we have any. Is this a good idea?

No changes so far, she seems dead set on "going our separate ways." And following trough with the legal separation. Should I place hope in that she asked for a legal separation and not a divorce outright?

Everyday is still extremely difficult and I can get hit by sudden bouts of extreme sadness or depression to rage. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way. To be discarded like trash like this. She has never been upfront about her happiness it was always hints and tests. But of course I should have listened and seen it. Afterwards it was pretty obvious to me.

Also she has told me that currently she is not interested in seeing or dating anyone else at the moment. And she hasn't really shown any signs of an affair or anything like that. But with her in the house alone it makes it easier... Should I worry about this? I guess I have no control over this aspect. I guess this is my insecurity and is also an issue I am trying to work on. It is just difficult to keep my mind from wandering in this horrible situation.

I'm about halfway through DB and have DR on order. Any time I have an urge to contact her (all the time) I reread the 37 rules, the 180 and the LRT to help myself resist. Still working out, eating right and trying to hang out with friends as much as I can. Trying to stay positive when I don't see a light.

Last edited by TFWNOGF; 10/14/14 03:20 PM.
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She unexpectedly texted me saying she would like to come over and talk tonight. My only goal is to stay calm and level headed. And to not say anything that I will come to regret. All of our previous talks have been her saying it will not work out and we should just be friends and go on our merry ways. So I won't be putting too much hope into this.

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Haven't talked to her since last post.

Got the call from a mediator asking to confirm if I will cooperate with them mediating our legal separation (I agreed). So she is going full steam ahead on the legal separation. I feel as though a chapter of my life is being brought to an abrupt and violent end. I knew it was coming but I guess on the inside I just really wished that it wouldn't; that she would reconsider. We've hashed out our finances in detail so hopefully it wont take too long. The rates for mediation are quite expensive.

Quick chat with her and she said she doesn't see us working out anymore so she is calling it. "Incompatible." No input on my end needed or wanted.

Feels really empty inside; any hope I had of us reconciling is almost non existent now. At the moment I just don't feel like I have any fight left. Today was our 13th anniversary. I can only laugh at the timing. These days when I go to sleep I joke and think that if I don't wake up I would probably be OK with it.

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often they are having an affair. Please do not do anything to mark the anniversary. It is not appropriate under the circumstances. Read sandi's rules. No gifts is one of them. Also, get your own lawyer to represent you at mediation if you are concerned about the finances. Sounds like you are being more than accommodating. Don't get steamrolled. Take care of yourself first, because that's the ONLY thing you can do in this situation. Pull away from her. Do not initiate contact. Be courteous when you speak with her when it is required, but that is all.

My rule: Don't ask, don't tell. Don't ask her how she feels about the relationship or what she's doing. You won't get a satisfactory answer, and you'll just stew on the nonsense she feeds you for the rest of the week. Don't tell her what you're thinking or feeling. Listen and validate whatever she offers, but that's it.

Good luck!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
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Sorry to see your going though this. Everything your feeling is definitely normal and something we all have felt. Read sandi's 37 rules over and over again. Read DB and DR. these are the basics here and although it seems like a broken record its said over and over for a reason. There is alot of good advice here as well as support among those dealing with the same thing. My only advice is to take the vets advice seriously and to work through this for yourself not to "win" anyone back. Its easier said then done but its a must.


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S 5
M 5 years
BD 10/04/14
S 10/04/14
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Thank you for the tips and kind words. I definitely needed and appreciate them (even if I have read them in many of the other sitches).

I agree on reading the 37 rules daily and have felt that my actions and mood were better on days that I reminded myself of them. I am 50% through DB and hoping to finish it up tonight with DR on my desk in the que. Right now I don't feel so hopeless as when I posted earlier today, I guess love dies hard.

For me it is still difficult to improve my self just for myself. My efforts are still driven by a mixture of self improvement and the slight hope of getting her back. I think once I can work on myself solely for myself I will be more detached and optimally prepared for what may come (divorce or otherwise). Its not a broken record by the way, I've read it so many times yet there is the natural urge to revert and slip "backwards". So every time I see it, it is a useful reminder to me.

Like many of us here. It looks like it will be a long and hard battle.

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Got a message saying that she is sad. She feels like there is a problem in our lives and she is not sure how to fix it.

This is really the first positive thing (not really a positive but I will count it as one) I've heard in a long time. Trying to think of the best thing to say in this situation. Going over my notes now.

Also finished reading DB and 170 pages into DR. I prefer how DR is laid out verses DB but I'm glad that I'm reading both.

Also went through mediation for the legal separation and while everything went quickly and smoothly man did I feel like I got hit by a bus. Or stabbed in the gut by a dull knife. It was just so surreal discussing all of those things with a lawyer and generating documents that may lead to the end. Went out for a few drinks, darts and hung out with a buddy which helped a lot. Also started a solutions journal for notes which is probably the best thing I've done. Especially identifying my cheese less tunnel actions.

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Turned in documentation for the legal separation at the courthouse. While turning it in she asked me if we should check the divorce box instead of the separation box. I didn't say anything but I am sure my body language told her that I didn't want to do that. The clerk explained to her how to do it but she left it as legal separation.

She told me to forget about her and that she does not see a future and that it will not work out due to my jealousy issues. I was very protective and controlling when we were together but I am actively working on that by not calling her, or interrogating her, or asking who she is with... I haven't contacted her in over a week but I maybe the negatives have been imprinted into her thoughts. But, a week in reality is not that long of a time span.

Feeling devastated. Will continue to work on improving myself (not just the controlling aspect). Will not contact her unless absolutely necessary for paperwork or bills and such. At this point I feel powerless and that there is nothing I can do. I can see the door closing on this chapter of my life.

One thing that does help is journaling... Every time I am close to breaking down and calling her just to hear her voice. Or driving by the house to stalk her. Or when my imagination runs wild. I read my past entries and record my feelings and it seems to allow me to regain control. At this point I don't know if there is an OM involved and frankly I don't care. I don't think it would change my situation any and honestly feel like there isn't much I can do.

I've read DR, DB, "Getting Back Together" and starting a few other books. Reading also helps a lot. All the books seem to have the same ideas and philosophies and I think continuing the LRT is my best course of action for now.. As well as continuing to look within and working on myself.

Still hoping for a miracle deep down inside. Reading other peoples situation's it amazes me how people have the strength to endure and continue on. I am pretty early on in my separation and feel drained, devastated.. sometimes I even wanted to explode and scream at her and end our relationship just to get it over with. The other situations have helped me keep it together as best I could.

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Went out last night with some friends for a dinner, drinks and a movie. Went to sleep feeling good but woke up feeling empty and lonely. Although I feel like I have made improvements on detaching sometimes I get hit by bouts of extreme sadness and loneliness.

A video that I found helpful and a little motivational. Caution NSFW language at times. I am starting to really understand the saying "If you love someone, set them free..." While fully realizing there is a good chance she may not come back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8Exlo4E5v8

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Question. How do I respond when she checks up on me. Yesterday she sent me texts asking me if I am awake, where I was and what I was doing. (First form of contact for 3 weeks outside of meeting up for mediation, business emails and turning in the documents to the courthouse).

I just answered truthfully and asked "how about yourself?" to which she ignored. I did not to ask her about her whereabouts or what she has been up to any further. She did not fill me in on any details on her side and I didn't ask. Part of my 180 I suppouse. In the past I would have asked where she was, who she was with and etc etc and I really wanted to but resisted the urge to interrogate her. Lately thats all I can really think about (what she is doing, who she is with, did she meet anyone..) I don't know if she just wanted to keep track of me? Was she curious of what I have been up to? She hasnt expressed any feelings toward me or our R at all. Besides everytime we meet face to face she reminds me that "we should go our separate ways" and that "I don't see us working out" or "we are just meant to be friends." Even though I try to avoid any conversation about the R somehow she always brings those points out as we part ways.

I felt like I should have just ignored her but didn't want to do anything that would push her farther away. I felt like she just wants to know what I'm doing while she continues to do whatever she wants without filling me in or thinking of "us". I guess I am upset that I don't know what she is doing. Although I can't lie. I was really excited and happy when I saw her texts even though they may not mean anything... Is something is better than nothing?

Feels like a little part of me dies everyday we are not together. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes like today I feel floored. Back to the LRT, GAL and working on myself dance I suppouse.

I've become addicted to reading (mostly relationship books) although I feel like I can't take much action until she opens up to me (I'm hoping the texts are the start of that process but don't want to invest too much hope; I don't think I can take much more strain on my heart). The actions that I can take are continuing my self improvement of course! I've been working out a ton and hanging with friends and family as much as I can as well. Trying to get out of the house as much as I can but the fact is I don't have a big social circle. I'm looking for ways to fill more of my time and meet new people, I never realized how hard it was or how lonely it is until after I lost her. I've been researching support groups to join and hopefully meet some new people. Most are geared towards divorce and not separation but I think the topics would mainly overlap and that it would help me out mentally and emotionally. I guess in my mind I still want to separate legal separation from divorce; as if one were less severe than the other..

Well, I came with the intent of asking a quick question about how to handle her texting me but ended up pouring out a long rant!

Last edited by TFWNOGF; 11/03/14 10:51 PM.
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We have a lunch setup over the weekend. My only goal is to keep it happy and up beat and that we do not talk about the R or break down crying.

Just read "Winning your wife back before its too late" and its very similar to DB and DR in its philosophy. I enjoyed it and it re-enforced some things that were in DR and DB. But this one is religious based with lots of football references thrown in. Picked up 5LL and will read it over the next few weeks.

Unfortunately it doesn't feel like we are at a stage where we can start reconciling, or even thinking or reconciling. Still working on myself and identifying my weaknesses.

Anyone have any input? Anything is appreciated.

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Lunch was good. Just caught up, no tears and no R talk. Next day she texted me asking if I missed her. This threw me for a loop (of course I miss you, I feel like I'm dieing every minute I am without you!) I really wanted to confess my love for her and let her know how horrible each day is without her. And how I longed for us to be together.

My response was, "baby you know the answer to that." No response since. I mean, I loved her with all my heart and miss her terribly. Each day is worse and worse. I am terribly confused over 1 this little text.

I can't tell if she is playing with my emotions. I just don't know. I am losing hope. I loved her with everything for a decade and have been so easily discarded. To me it feels like she has already moved on with her life; while for me it takes every atom in my body just to not contact her, lol. Maybe she is hurting too. Confused and feeling pathetic. Off to work out! Hopefully it will bring me up a little.

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The fact she's contacting you without you doing so first is very positive. Don't forget that.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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I feel for you situation, I sincerely do. I know these things may be iffy, but I hope these positive signs you are seeing are exactly that.

Best of luck to you.


Me 44 Wife 38
M 15 T 17
3 Kids (d19, d16, s-5

6/14 - ILYBINILWY
7/14 - she moved out with kids


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My response was, "baby you know the answer to that." No response since. I mean, I loved her with all my heart and miss her terribly. Each day is worse and worse. I am terribly confused over 1 this little text.


She got the answer she was looking for, so then she was no longer interested. In case you don't know, she may not want you at the moment, but she doesn't want anyone to replace her in your life. That is why she will ask these questions. The minute she is assured that you are still pining for her and aren't looking at other women, then she is satisfied and not concerned. Neither is she attracted. Sadly, it often takes losing someone before we are attracted, or want them back.

IMO, you need to detach emotionally. She chose to leave you, so do not reassure her you are waiting around pining for her. Stop using pet names like "baby". Learn to give vague answers, or turn it around on her. "Why do you ask?". Don't convince her how badly you miss her and suffering from wanting her.

Your activities should be a mystery to her, as well as your feelings. Don't give her details of your life. She no longer has a right to know. She wants a separation, so let her see how one looks. I don't intend that in a mean way. You should not show anger, coldness, vindictiveness, etc. But start responding to her questions the same way you would if she was a elderly nosy neighbor.

No more pleading for another chance, pledging your love, or promises of doing better. No talks about the R. Stay focused on you. Move forward with GAL. When you back off, she will draw in. You need to have a nonchalant attitude with her until you get better control over your emotions.

Good job about not initiating contacts with her! whistle


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Please listen to Sandi's advice.. She is amazing smile

But just to ditto what she said women want a MAN. I personally have no interest in something I know I can have especially when I'm having second thoughts about a R. If she knows she can keep you on the back burner she will but it doesnt mean she respects you. Be mysterious and stop reassuring her that you'll be waiting for her. Continue to not initiate contact. Be busy if she tries to stop by or chat. Always get off the phone first. Most importantly be friendly and polite but not pushy.


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First thank you for everyone's replies they are much appreciated. It's really helpful for me to see other people's opinions and advice.

Sandi and T0324, that's exactly what I was afraid of. That she was just checking in and keeping me on the hook without the intention of reconciling. Feeding me enough to string me along. I had a feeling that that is what it was but I just did not want to believe it.

You are right that I have not detached from her yet. I will continue to not initiate and will spend more time formulating my responses with your advice. I definitely agree that she is not getting the full "separation" experience and that she "has" me at anytime she wants (she probably knows this as well).

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Make the most of this time of separation. Do a lot of deep soul searching and name the areas you have fallen short as a H. If you don't identify them, how can you change them? Many times the things the LBS falls short or fails, is due to some a weak link in the character. Lack or moals, low self esteem, jealousy, controlling, Laziness, anger problems, lack of leadership, faithfulness, truth, honor, loyalty, loving support, failure to kee the spouse's love tamk full, passivity, abuse issues. Childhood issues, ......and much, much more. But you get the idea, right? Perhaps you have at least one thing you know in your heart you need to do much better.

The majority of newcomer LBH's what to turn over a new leaf...but then he immediately tells his WAW about all the things he is working on. He hopes this injects some hope into the M, but is disappointed when she doesn't seem too excited over the momentous task he has undertaken. So then, he wonder if writing a loooong letter to her apologizing for ever mistake and short coming since the M. But a again, it is often faced with rather dulled interest,

He feels rejects and discouraged b/c he thought she would be all on board, and he doesn't undetstand why she isn't happy that he is finally doing what she always wanted. Then he gets depressed and tries to talk to her about the R, and it leads to a not so good encounter. In fact, with every R talk, it pushes her closer to the D.

My suggestion is that you think hard about the things she complained about during the M. I think if you dig deep, you will qualify to label it as genuine and not unreasonable and cast out those that are.

Next, make real day to day steps to develop a living plan that will bring about this project of reinventing yourself (or at least, improvement). Don't talk about it to her, just keep working It. She may be drawn back to the new you, or not. But the point is she sure isn't too impressed with the old you. So make this about you and do what you want to do. Instead of dwelling on her all the time, think about what you would do of you were is single. I don't mean go out and start picking up women. I'm talking about other things. How would you live and what would you do with your free time? You may never get another opportunity to have this "freedom" to just enjoy yourself and do whatever you want. Get out with the guys. Pick up old hobbies, or new ones. Go places she never was interested in going with you. You've got to get through this separation while she is figuring out what she wants, so you might as well enjoy it.

Eat right and get a lot of exercise, and if you can't sleep or get too depressed.....go to the doctor and get something that will help you get through this. You can't afford to let your health break.


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Sandi, you are exactly correct about the flaws. Off the top of my head I have problems with jealousy, controlling, passivity, lack of leadership and many more. This weekend I will sit down and identify my problems and a game plan and will post here in detail for comments and suggestions. I am exercising (a lot!) its the only thing that relaxes me for now. And taking OTC sleep pills; but I may look into getting prescription knock out pills.

She just texted me, "What do you think we should do?" I really really don't know how to answer. Obviously I have a perfect scenario painted in my head of what I want to do where we get back together, I work on my flaws/shortcomings, we communicate and live happily every after... I replied, "why do you ask, would you consider what I have to say?" For now...

Thrown for a loop. NC initiated from me up until this point. Just as her grasp on my mind slips she texts me this question.

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Is it OK for me to outline what I think we should do? Since she initiated the talk? It would be something along the lines of gradually seeing each other more and more as I continue to work on my self. With the end goal of living together once more...

Its almost 2 months now that we have been separated. During that time we hardly talked or saw each other unless it was for business (mediation, turning in court docs, one lunch, one dinner).

Is she throwing out some line and bait? I just don't know what her intentions are.

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Originally Posted By: TFWNOGF
I replied, "why do you ask, would you consider what I have to say?"
How would you feel if you received such a response? It's unpleasant. It's an accusation: "You never listen to what I have to say." Try not being unpleasant with your W. She has enough negative emotions about you. Every little such comment awaken all of them.

I'd like to know what the vets have to say, but I can't imagine she wants you to lay out a controlling plan for the next two months of her life. She's in control. She needs to be in control for this to work. Her question is not a green light to take control of the whole thing. I see it more as a test: are you going to leave her in control or wrestle it from her at the first opportunity? Speak with your actions: show her that she's safe with you. And no, safe doesn't mean easing back into your M. It means remaining in control of herself.

You have not detached yet (neither have I) so this is all awfully difficult. Also, the whole technique is new. The earlier you apply it, the faster you'll see results. It's your best bet.


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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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How would you feel if you received such a response? It's unpleasant. It's an accusation: "You never listen to what I have to say." Try not being unpleasant with your W. She has enough negative emotions about you. Every little such comment awaken all of them.


You are absolutely correct. I'd hate to see that reply if I had asked her any question. I guess my last memories of her were the immediate week after where I begged and pleaded and everything was met with no, I don't care, we will never work out, we are just incompatible etc... I let that factor into that response when I should not have.

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I can't imagine she wants you to lay out a controlling plan for the next two months of her life. She's in control. She needs to be in control for this to work. Her question is not a green light to take control of the whole thing. I see it more as a test: are you going to leave her in control or wrestle it from her at the first opportunity?


This makes sense to me as well. But leaves me at a lost on how to reply. I don't want to reply with something that will give her the impression that she is free to do whatever she wants (now that I typed that she is absolutely free to do whatever she wants) and that I don't care about us anymore.

I am second guessing myself. Not sure if my emotions are clouding my judgment..

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Fell off the wagon there. Stayed in NC and kept working out everyday. Made no attempts to socialize or go out. Got stuck in a funk of depression. Couldn't get much sleep. Thinking about getting prescription sleep pills and maybe a physc eval. But, she has the insurance cards and we are on a high deductible plan so I'm thinking I'll just wait until my individual high deductible plan starts next year so I can work against my deductible for 2015.

She contacted the mediation lawyer last week to finalize our legal separation (already filed but additional paperwork is needed). Lawyer contacted me which is how I found out. I had been quiet about it hoping that she would not pursue the completion of it. But it is not unexpected that she wants to finalize the separation. Yesterday received a text saying "I want to have a serious talk tomorrow."


Okay.. Hoping for the best but trying to mentally prepare for the worst. Judging from her action in contacting the lawyer it doesn't really set the tone for a positive talk. My game plan is to listen very carefully, validate, not say too much to hurt my cause, try to defend myself or persuade her. I feel I am mentally ready to go back into NC and even start moving on (maybe) should she stay firm on her stance of ending our relationship for good.

Still holding out for a step in the reconciliation direction though!

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Get back on that wagon, TFWNOFG. smile

I feel for you, man, with all of this happening so quickly like an emotional blitzkrieg. I don't have much advice right now except listen to sandi and mozza. I also think your mental preparation for tomorrow's talk is good.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. My wife spontaneously (at least in my eyes) left the house with our kids almost six weeks ago, served me with an Order of Protection which was later dropped but gave her automatic custody for the first 2.5 weeks, and has had no contact with me since. It's been tough, but all we can do is reflect on what we did as the H in pushing our W away, change the behavior that needs to be changed, and we'll be better off than we were before no matter the outcome.

Also, never give up hope. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but a legal separation isn't the end. Even my MIL told me she thought my W would continue to go through with the D but that wasn't the end--I'd just have to woo my W back a second time. So there's hope in all this pain, but use this painful time as a gift to improve yourself and be the best TFWNOGF ever. smile


Me: 29 W: 29
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M: 8
BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection)
D filed 10/14
Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
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Personally, I think she's yanking you around. As long as you are the "yes dear" kind of man, she is not going to be attracted back to you. Look, she dumped you. She calls to see what you are doing and then, very rudely, won't even respond when you are nice enough to give her a reply. She dangles just enough to get your hopes worked up that maybe her contacting you is a positive sign......only to knock your legs out from beneath you again. How long are you going to play this game?

Are you going to be the scared little boy who plans to meet with her tomorrow, holding your breath she won't ask for a D.......or the confident man who is ready to move forward and be happy without her? (Not that you wish to, but that you can).

If you told her that you have had time to think things over and have decided she may be have the right idea. Tell her she's right. You both deserve to be with someone who can really make you happy. You know that's what you want! I think her tune would begin to change. Maybe not that minute (b/c she would be in shock), but she would start thinking about YOU wanting to replace her. (That's not exactly what you said, but it gets her to thinking about it.). She is not ready for you to replace HER! It was suppose to be the other way around!

If you will leave her with that.......instead of trying to have ANOTHER relationship discussion, just leave it at that point. Don't ask her anything about what she plans to do. Don't act concerned or worried. If she says she wants a D, agree with it. You won't stop her by begging. And you just might cause her to question herself later.

Now I am the first to tell you that no DB coach is going to give this advice. The majority of the population here wouldn't tell you what I just said. I will just say this, and leave it at that. If my LBH had approached me with something along those line, it would have yanked that wayward kink out of my a$$ so quick that I wouldn't have given another man the time of day. I would have been too busy pursuing my H! But sadly, that is not how he handled it.

You can save yourself a lot of pain and agony by deciding to man up now and let her know you won't wait around while she plays ball with your heart. I don't agree that she is in charge. That's the problem! She feels in charge of you, and she is proving it over and over. If she wants assured she still has all the power........what does she do? She contacts you and does a temp check! Take back the power over your own life.


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sandi, what advice would most DB coaches give in this scenario that disagrees with yours?


Me: 29 W: 29
S: 7 S: 4
M: 8
BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection)
D filed 10/14
Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
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sandi, what advice would most DB coaches give in this scenario that disagrees with yours?


You would probably have to ask them. smile When I said they wouldn't say what I told him to do, I meant be as "daring". Theoretically, I wouldn't say it goes against DB, however, I don't know that they would tell a client to be take those chances. But, I am not positive. I mainly wanted him to know that it is not among the more popular views.

I speak from the personal experience of a WAW. I have been disappointed to see the vast number of LBH'S who are afraid to be the men they were designed to be. I was hoping this young man might nip things in the bud, instead of dragging it out like most have done.


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Unfortunately I did not read Sandi's post prior to our meet last week. I did exactly as she guessed. Scared, aiming to please, hoping for a chance. Definitely not confident or ready to move on and be happy.

The "serious talk" was more of the same. She flip flopped saying she doesn't know what to do. Saying she wants to get back together but doesn't. At the end of the day she said she will setup the appointment to finalize our legal separation for Friday and will cancel it if she wants to give things a shot... ? And that we should just forget everything and go our separate ways.

This was the day before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day I did not contact her as I slept in and stayed in bed until about 3PM feeling sorry for myself. Later that night she texted me telling me how disappointed she was that I didn't text her happy thanksgiving and how no one in my family did either. She did text me happy thanksgiving earlier that day but I was so upset I just laid in bed and did not reply. My family all want to talk to her but they have all told me they just don't know how or what to say. They tried calling early on in the separation and they were ignored so they stopped trying. I probably should have returned her Thanksgiving text.

So, now its Friday and she went to some of her families for dinner. She called me and tells me she should have invited me and will the next time around. Okay! This sounds positive. Then she says she has been thinking and will call me later that night. In a moment of weakness I ask, "is it bad?" she replies no its not.

So, she doesn't call and I'm still trying to give her space and not smother her so I don't call her for a couple days. But I give in on Monday and call her and she says we will never work out. We should split. She says she tried to convince herself but she just couldn't. She mentions she is extremely upset that my family and I did not text her on Thanksgiving wishing her a happy holiday. And that no one really cares about "us." If they cared they would be calling her and trying to get her to come back. She also says the whole time we've been together she does not have any happy memories! Did I mess up by not returning her text? The day before she told me she wants to move on without me; so when I receive her text "happy thanksgiving" I got extremely upset and angry and did not reply. I know, I am acting like a child.

I am confused. Only my immediate family know about our separation and early on she was very clear that she didn't want anyone calling her and I made it very clear to my family that they shouldn't try to contact her or convince her anything. Even then, some of my family tried to contact her and they were all ignored and no one has tried again since.

Is she grasping at straws to find things to justify her decision? Or was that a huge mess up to not text her? It seems she is still not 100% sure about her decision by her slight flip flopping, which is a good sign right?

Either way here I am on Wednesday. Praying and hoping that there is some sort of miracle and that she contacts me telling me that the Friday appointment to finalize our separation is cancelled. Realistically the next time I talk to her or see her will probably at the appointment on Friday. Then our legal separation will be official. Then I guess the 6 month timer keeps ticking until she has the option to convert it to a divorce. Which at the moment seems like the only possible outcome.

I've really been slipping and messing up these last 2-3 months. I haven't been following the advice given here or in the DB and DR books. Any time she gives me a slight ray of hope I break down and revert to a needy person. Life is difficult. How do I know when its over? How do I knew when she has slammed the door shut and thrown the key away? I know DR says not to trust what she says and only half of what she does. But 90% of the time I talk to her she is just reaffirming her stance.

I have been working out... a lot. It is like my sanctuary. Luckily I have a pretty good garage setup as sometimes mid set I'd start crying like full on tears. For those 1 or 2 hours I almost feel free and happy. I've also started playing vball once a week which is a lot of fun. Getting settled in at my new job (lots of people my age that either just got married or are planning their imminent wedding! =( !...) I am still having difficulty socializing and meeting new people to hangout with. I do have a small circle of family and friends that I go to dinner and do activities with though; and I am looking into joining one of those "divorcecare" support groups as a lot of them will be starting up again in January. I do feel a little bit intimidated, I'm worried I'll be the youngest one there at 28.

I am still hoping we can some how work things out. Or at least give it a shot. But each day that passes I feel that we grow further apart. Perhaps after Friday I will give her some real space and prepare to actually move on while keeping that sliver of hope that she may want to work things out. I am not ready to move on without her... It seems that only way she will be attracted to me again is if I move on and become happy or normal again. Or at least if I can give off that type of appearance.

Hope everyone had a good turkey day and thanks for all your input as well! I hardly survived and Christmas + New years is sure going to be tough. I can already picture myself at home wondering if she is out for new years and if she is getting drunk and hooking up. Need to erase these negative thoughts!!!!!!!

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I think this is where our story ends. At the mediation she surprised me by switching the documents over from a legal separation to a dissolution of marriage. I froze, and complied without saying a word. She told me she needs to do this so that she can move on. She says because shes "married" she feels like she needs to be with me. So she is now "unmarried."

At the end I hugged her and told her I was glad to have met her and departed.

It feels like the end. I still long to be with her but obviously marriage is a partnership and she wants no part in this ship. I still have hopes for a reconciliation and feel like an idiot for having them. She had made her intentions crystal clear from the beginning, I just didn't want to believe.

Thanks again for everyone on the board. It has helped dull the pain a little bit in these difficult times.

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