Got a message saying that she is sad. She feels like there is a problem in our lives and she is not sure how to fix it.
This is really the first positive thing (not really a positive but I will count it as one) I've heard in a long time. Trying to think of the best thing to say in this situation. Going over my notes now.
Also finished reading DB and 170 pages into DR. I prefer how DR is laid out verses DB but I'm glad that I'm reading both.
Also went through mediation for the legal separation and while everything went quickly and smoothly man did I feel like I got hit by a bus. Or stabbed in the gut by a dull knife. It was just so surreal discussing all of those things with a lawyer and generating documents that may lead to the end. Went out for a few drinks, darts and hung out with a buddy which helped a lot. Also started a solutions journal for notes which is probably the best thing I've done. Especially identifying my cheese less tunnel actions.
Turned in documentation for the legal separation at the courthouse. While turning it in she asked me if we should check the divorce box instead of the separation box. I didn't say anything but I am sure my body language told her that I didn't want to do that. The clerk explained to her how to do it but she left it as legal separation.
She told me to forget about her and that she does not see a future and that it will not work out due to my jealousy issues. I was very protective and controlling when we were together but I am actively working on that by not calling her, or interrogating her, or asking who she is with... I haven't contacted her in over a week but I maybe the negatives have been imprinted into her thoughts. But, a week in reality is not that long of a time span.
Feeling devastated. Will continue to work on improving myself (not just the controlling aspect). Will not contact her unless absolutely necessary for paperwork or bills and such. At this point I feel powerless and that there is nothing I can do. I can see the door closing on this chapter of my life.
One thing that does help is journaling... Every time I am close to breaking down and calling her just to hear her voice. Or driving by the house to stalk her. Or when my imagination runs wild. I read my past entries and record my feelings and it seems to allow me to regain control. At this point I don't know if there is an OM involved and frankly I don't care. I don't think it would change my situation any and honestly feel like there isn't much I can do.
I've read DR, DB, "Getting Back Together" and starting a few other books. Reading also helps a lot. All the books seem to have the same ideas and philosophies and I think continuing the LRT is my best course of action for now.. As well as continuing to look within and working on myself.
Still hoping for a miracle deep down inside. Reading other peoples situation's it amazes me how people have the strength to endure and continue on. I am pretty early on in my separation and feel drained, devastated.. sometimes I even wanted to explode and scream at her and end our relationship just to get it over with. The other situations have helped me keep it together as best I could.
Went out last night with some friends for a dinner, drinks and a movie. Went to sleep feeling good but woke up feeling empty and lonely. Although I feel like I have made improvements on detaching sometimes I get hit by bouts of extreme sadness and loneliness.
A video that I found helpful and a little motivational. Caution NSFW language at times. I am starting to really understand the saying "If you love someone, set them free..." While fully realizing there is a good chance she may not come back.
Question. How do I respond when she checks up on me. Yesterday she sent me texts asking me if I am awake, where I was and what I was doing. (First form of contact for 3 weeks outside of meeting up for mediation, business emails and turning in the documents to the courthouse).
I just answered truthfully and asked "how about yourself?" to which she ignored. I did not to ask her about her whereabouts or what she has been up to any further. She did not fill me in on any details on her side and I didn't ask. Part of my 180 I suppouse. In the past I would have asked where she was, who she was with and etc etc and I really wanted to but resisted the urge to interrogate her. Lately thats all I can really think about (what she is doing, who she is with, did she meet anyone..) I don't know if she just wanted to keep track of me? Was she curious of what I have been up to? She hasnt expressed any feelings toward me or our R at all. Besides everytime we meet face to face she reminds me that "we should go our separate ways" and that "I don't see us working out" or "we are just meant to be friends." Even though I try to avoid any conversation about the R somehow she always brings those points out as we part ways.
I felt like I should have just ignored her but didn't want to do anything that would push her farther away. I felt like she just wants to know what I'm doing while she continues to do whatever she wants without filling me in or thinking of "us". I guess I am upset that I don't know what she is doing. Although I can't lie. I was really excited and happy when I saw her texts even though they may not mean anything... Is something is better than nothing?
Feels like a little part of me dies everyday we are not together. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes like today I feel floored. Back to the LRT, GAL and working on myself dance I suppouse.
I've become addicted to reading (mostly relationship books) although I feel like I can't take much action until she opens up to me (I'm hoping the texts are the start of that process but don't want to invest too much hope; I don't think I can take much more strain on my heart). The actions that I can take are continuing my self improvement of course! I've been working out a ton and hanging with friends and family as much as I can as well. Trying to get out of the house as much as I can but the fact is I don't have a big social circle. I'm looking for ways to fill more of my time and meet new people, I never realized how hard it was or how lonely it is until after I lost her. I've been researching support groups to join and hopefully meet some new people. Most are geared towards divorce and not separation but I think the topics would mainly overlap and that it would help me out mentally and emotionally. I guess in my mind I still want to separate legal separation from divorce; as if one were less severe than the other..
Well, I came with the intent of asking a quick question about how to handle her texting me but ended up pouring out a long rant!
We have a lunch setup over the weekend. My only goal is to keep it happy and up beat and that we do not talk about the R or break down crying.
Just read "Winning your wife back before its too late" and its very similar to DB and DR in its philosophy. I enjoyed it and it re-enforced some things that were in DR and DB. But this one is religious based with lots of football references thrown in. Picked up 5LL and will read it over the next few weeks.
Unfortunately it doesn't feel like we are at a stage where we can start reconciling, or even thinking or reconciling. Still working on myself and identifying my weaknesses.
Lunch was good. Just caught up, no tears and no R talk. Next day she texted me asking if I missed her. This threw me for a loop (of course I miss you, I feel like I'm dieing every minute I am without you!) I really wanted to confess my love for her and let her know how horrible each day is without her. And how I longed for us to be together.
My response was, "baby you know the answer to that." No response since. I mean, I loved her with all my heart and miss her terribly. Each day is worse and worse. I am terribly confused over 1 this little text.
I can't tell if she is playing with my emotions. I just don't know. I am losing hope. I loved her with everything for a decade and have been so easily discarded. To me it feels like she has already moved on with her life; while for me it takes every atom in my body just to not contact her, lol. Maybe she is hurting too. Confused and feeling pathetic. Off to work out! Hopefully it will bring me up a little.
The fact she's contacting you without you doing so first is very positive. Don't forget that.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
My response was, "baby you know the answer to that." No response since. I mean, I loved her with all my heart and miss her terribly. Each day is worse and worse. I am terribly confused over 1 this little text.
She got the answer she was looking for, so then she was no longer interested. In case you don't know, she may not want you at the moment, but she doesn't want anyone to replace her in your life. That is why she will ask these questions. The minute she is assured that you are still pining for her and aren't looking at other women, then she is satisfied and not concerned. Neither is she attracted. Sadly, it often takes losing someone before we are attracted, or want them back.
IMO, you need to detach emotionally. She chose to leave you, so do not reassure her you are waiting around pining for her. Stop using pet names like "baby". Learn to give vague answers, or turn it around on her. "Why do you ask?". Don't convince her how badly you miss her and suffering from wanting her.
Your activities should be a mystery to her, as well as your feelings. Don't give her details of your life. She no longer has a right to know. She wants a separation, so let her see how one looks. I don't intend that in a mean way. You should not show anger, coldness, vindictiveness, etc. But start responding to her questions the same way you would if she was a elderly nosy neighbor.
No more pleading for another chance, pledging your love, or promises of doing better. No talks about the R. Stay focused on you. Move forward with GAL. When you back off, she will draw in. You need to have a nonchalant attitude with her until you get better control over your emotions.
Good job about not initiating contacts with her!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But just to ditto what she said women want a MAN. I personally have no interest in something I know I can have especially when I'm having second thoughts about a R. If she knows she can keep you on the back burner she will but it doesnt mean she respects you. Be mysterious and stop reassuring her that you'll be waiting for her. Continue to not initiate contact. Be busy if she tries to stop by or chat. Always get off the phone first. Most importantly be friendly and polite but not pushy.
