Wife left house. Need help. She is staying at her mother's.
Wife left 2 weeks ago. For first week we had minimal contact and when I tried to call her she did not pick up. Second week I tried my hardest not to contact her at all but slipped up a few times chatting each other online. She wants to meet for dinner but from the chats it seems she has made up her mind and wants to go our separate ways. I am still deeply in love with her and these 2 weeks have been the hardest two weeks of my life.
I can understand her frustration. We have been together for over 10 years and I may have began to be comfortable around our relationship. I admit I did not fight to win her affection and love every day as I did I did in the early years of our relationship. I became complacent in the marriage.
I also did not do my best in supporting her financial/investing goals, I would put in about 50% effort when I could so much more. As well as helping her out with paying the bills and etc. Financially we are well off and both employed with well paying jobs, but just the paying bills part I understand can be time consuming and hard work.
She also feels unloved and not cherished which I can now see. Now that she has left the house I can see that over the years she would ask me to do things and tasks to test me. The tasks she would ask for would push me in the right direction and develop me as better person/adult. But when she saw that I would not put in 100% effort or finish those tasks in a timely manner I guess all those failures and neglects have built up in her heart and it has been hardened. What I saw as nagging and tasks that would be finished when I finished them were actually her last futile attempts at getting me to support her and prove to her I can become more mature. I admit I am childish with no real worries or plans for the future; I always believe things will be OK and take life day by day.
BUT now that she has left me its like I have been blindfolded this whole time and now I can see again. Unfortunately she feels she has had enough and does not want to offer me a chance to show her I can change and be the man she thought I could be when we first met.
I understand this separation is mostly due to my ineptness. But I madly want to stay with her.
I know that I need to support her personal goals no matter what they are. I need to listen to her needs and fulfill them in a timely manner. I need to fight to win her love and affection everyday. I need to help her out with daily chores. I need control my jealousy so that she does not feel like a prisoner. I need to control my anger and not have outbursts; although I have never hurt anyone.
Apologies for the novel but I just needed to get it out. I'm terrified of what she will say at our dinner. Will she call it quits? Serve me with papers? I don't know.
I have read the 37 rules, the 180 technique and the last resort technique and I am trying to apply them by working out and going out with friends but it is extremely difficult to not contact her or wonder what she is doing. I've also picked up the DB book but have not completed reading it. Also when talking on the phone it is extremely difficult for me to keep composure, a couple times I broke down and basically begged her for another shot, to forgive me and that I could change.
I really pray I can get another chance with her. But it is in her hands; I understand you cant make someone love you just because you love them. I feel like I've mucked this one all up and didn't realize it until it was too late. I am still hoping/praying we can give it an honest go.
Glad you are here. You have found the right place.
While I am fairly new here myself let me offer my prayers and sympathy to you because I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing and feeling right now.
A couple of extra suggestions to what Cadet has already mentioned.
1) Take Sandi's 37 rules and I suggest you save them and edit them to reflect your spouses name instead of the pronouns. It was suggested to me and it has helped. Read over them often.
2) Edit your signature line to show some basic info, I.E. Time married, time together, children and ages (if any), date she left, etc
3) If you are Christian or are in need of some prayer guidance please visit our Prayer Circle thread in the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy section.
4) Post often, even if just to journal feelings, thoughts, and events. It helps you get it out and helps the long-timers here help you better.
Sorry your in this position right now.
Last edited by Jefe; 10/06/1406:26 PM.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
When you have dinner with her LISTEN. CLOSELY. Validate what she says. If it comes up, acknowledge your role in how things got to where they are. You don't have to go into details. Just say: I am sorry that my behavior has contributed to the situation that we are in now. If I could go back and do it over I would, and I would welcome the chance to work on these issues, but I respect your need for space (or whatever she's asking for -- separation, divorce). (Even if of course you don't want a divorce.) Mainly, listen to what she is asking for. Don't make any demands. Don't focus on yourself. Focus on her. She needs to know you are really listening.
Don't be defensive or beg or plead, just hear her out. Validate and support. Then go home and re-read the books. Post on your thread. Reach out for support (but not from her).
It's a long road, so brace yourself for the journey and stay strong.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I know its hard but listen to the advice you get here. Its been a couple of hard weeks, believe us we know, but as they always say around this site "This is a marathon, not a sprint". So buckle in and prepare for a long ride. Make sure first to read DB. Also, I know its natural to try and say the right thing to make her change her mind, but its not that simple. Be sure you don't keep throwing your feelings at her in a breakdown attempt to change your sitch. It doesn't work that way and can only make you look bad. I've been doing this for about a year now and can relate to how you got here in so many ways.
Is there a chance there is an OM in her life?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Dinner was great. We didn't talk about the R at all and was mostly catching up and small talk. It was just like old times which made it extremely sad for me on the inside.
BUT, on the way home she broke down cried and said she wants to get a legal separation. I also broke down and pleaded for a second chance and promised her I could do better. I know this was a mistake and probably made it worse. Haven't talked for a couple days but it looks like I don't really have a choice but to go with the legal separation. I don't know if there is a reason why she chose legal separation over divorce but I don't want to read into it too much. The next time we talk will probably be over the terms of our separation and finances...
Personally I am sure there is no OM.
I have picked up the Divorce Busting book and have read the first 1/3rd of it. During this separation I will seriously need to buckle down and apply the advice and techniques here. To limit the damage I am doing. I am trying to stay positive and prepare for the worst at the same time. I am still in a state of shell shock and disbelief. Almost as if I am expecting to wake up from a nightmare.
Thank's for your comments and advice! It really helps.
Very confused. We cleanly split our finances in a civil way and we are going to do a 3 month trail separation. That is the time she thinks she needs to make her decision.
I once again faltered and ask if during this time she will consider working things out after the separation and she responded, "I don't know, probably not." A soul crushing blow. But the question should not have been asked by me in the first place. Time to re-study the materials and execute them no matter how painful. I imagine these next few months will be the hardest thing I've experienced.
TFWNOGF, It will certainly not be easy. However, you can make the best of it, and make the time pass quickly. Stop talking about the R. Start working on yourself. Do the 180s, and be sure you do them right. Detach, GAL, then detach some more and GAL some more. Live for you and strive to make yourself better. You have a short amount of time to make a lot of changes and make them stick. Dont tell her what you are doing, show her.
You will faulter and you will backslide. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back to it.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
