You've shown much strength, honor and level-headed planning throughout your ordeal, and I THINK I've been with you from the beginning? Most aren't able to do that, and one of my regrets is that those following along won't (yet?) get the lesson of the right way to do things.
Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much I appreciate your being here for support. May God bless you.
As for doing things the right way, there are some things I could have done differently. I could have been more firm sooner, but I needed the time to square things with myself, and to re-establish my R with my D13, and assure that I would have my vacation time with kids. Anyway, I'm not the type for regrets, so I'll say I did things in the way that was right for me.
I do agree with your philosophy that hard boundaries need to be established early. I think many of us have trouble with that because we've never been in a situation where what we thought were inalienable boundaries are so violated by someone so trusted. If I had a critique of the help we give people on this board, it's that we don't get people to understand the whole control vs boundary thing more quickly, in a way that is operable.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
It's just that there aren't any guarantees, as you know, and all we can each do is what gives us the BEST CHANCE at saving our marriage. At the end of the day (end of the year?), the choice is -- ultimately -- our wayward spouse's to make.
Very true, and good to learn to accept early. And this has been the most frustrating part for me. I don't believe anything is ever broken, just in need of repair. And being the mechanically minded son of a father born into a large depression era family, I know you can always fix something before you throw it away. I guess this is where the age difference with my W comes into play - my toys were made of metal and could be fixed; her toys were made of plastic and you threw them away.
The whole "I'm done and won't try" attitude is just a non sequitur for me. In my mind, if I signed up for something, and I'm not dead, then I'm not done. The hardest lesson for me has been to learn that M is a joint venture, and my W does not have that same core 'never say die' value, and therefore there is a point at which I have to accept that I am on a fool's errand.
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Good job!
Thanks - work in progress. The lumber truck will be over at your place shortly with a fresh supply of 2x4's.
Originally Posted By: Train
You are a man only a foolish woman would leave. She's foolish.
Well I'd like to think I am; and certainly better than a year ago. Or maybe we just truly can't meet each other's needs. However, after 18 years and two kids, I just don't buy that. Let's go with She's foolish. I think she's cheating herself and the kids out of a wide open, secure future with someone who actually cares. But I'm biased.
Or she's sick; in need of help. I truly believe she is being held back by a few friends and her IC, and she's firmly locked into victim mode. D is her answer. She feels entitled to something, at any cost, and several guys later she hasn't found it. There's just no feedback loop. People ask me if I can't get her to a doctor. Ya can't get nobody to do nuttin - no time, no how.
I'm truly thankful that I know I will never find myself at that level of depression. I have the self confidence to evaluate, decide, act then adjust. repeat. Sinatra singing "That's Life".
Anyway, this is just a mid-story plot twist. It's way too soon for the epilogue or post-mortem just yet. There's a whole lot of mundane reality coming up.
Man, what a great, great post that was. One for my personal archives. Insightful (the metal and plastic toys thing was pure genius), well-written and funny.
That's awesome stuff Zew. I felt like you were reading my mind as I have those exact same feelings on every point you made, except I couldn't have put it so eloquently!
I was thinking about what you said about the circuitous path we take in this process. It's quite a journey for sure. Personal growth, character flaw realization, acceptance, forgiveness, goal setting, compassion, and perhaps most importantly, learning we can only control what we ourselves do. It's quite the journey, just wish I didn't have to go on it as a result of a possible D.
Anyway, this is just a mid-story plot twist. It's way too soon for the epilogue or post-mortem just yet. There's a whole lot of mundane reality coming up.
Yes, sir. It sure is. Your faith and stamina give me hope. Thank you for sharing.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I've been meaning to update, just haven't had much to say...
I had given W until end of Sept to say whether or not she wanted a collaborative law D. She took about a week longer, and she chose a litigator who doesn't practice collaborative law. When I asked why she did that, she responded that she wanted a D on her own terms. A bit of an oxymoron, that. It was clear that she picked this person purely on recommendation without understanding the options. Nothing gives you more input/control than collaborative, and less than litigated.
There was some initial sabre rattling about motions to have me removed from the house, that haven't yet materialized. Nonetheless, I keep a fully packed suitcase in the trunk of my car. (!)
My L and I have held off on a contested filing, to see if we can start negotiations for a joint filing, which would eliminate the 6 month waiting period. Should have a response by mid next week. Mindreading, but I doubt my W will want to proceed with a speedy D because she knows her financial reality. It's more likely that she will draw this out for as long as possible.
I believe W got in to see an actual psychiatrist this week. (anything would be better than her divorce-coaching T) W is trying to get her AD dosage raised, and I don't think her doctor wants to, hence the new doctor.
When she speaks to me, which is rarely, it is contemptuous. The more her choices box her in, the more angry she is with me. (anger is better than indifference?) No inkling of responsibility on her part; she holds me completely responsible. I don't stand for much of that anymore - I've told her quite bluntly that I call BS on that -- her actions are her responsibility, and cannot be pinned on me. I'm not piling stuff on her, just not letting her pile it on me.
SIL called me a few times -- she thinks W is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her family still hopes I stick through this. I've told SIL that I don't know what is even possible anymore; it's in God's hands. As patient, determined and forgiving as I might be, W has a very long scorecard and no sign of any of the personal tools it would take to work on anything. I told SIL I can't do it alone, and W is just not interested right now. SIL is really broken up by this, worried about the kids. I told her to call whenever she wanted; I don't mind talking.
I regressed a little emotionally last week. I share responsibility for her getting to this point, but I can't comprehend her unwillingness to get past this point. More precisely, her way to get past this point is through total destruction. I have a hard time letting that go easily without a blame me/blame her cycle, which I realize is futile, but I am getting better. It surely isn't linear.
I'm at the point where I really just want to move on. It's not so much what W has done to me or our family. Strangely (or not), I don't care what she's doing (most of the time). It's that I doubt that W has the skills to cope with a life that's different that whatever it is that she imagined it should be. And as we age and start confronting new issues, I want someone more reliable; someone willing to work as a team to get what they want. I freely admit I didn't always know how to do that either, but I know you can't get there by not trying.
I haven't totally written W off, but I'm getting a pretty good picture of what my needs are in a life partner and I don't see those in W now and each day I doubt whether she has the capacity to ever be that person, even if she were to try (which she isn't). It's down to shared history, which she doesn't want to remember. I think it's true that the LBS eventually catches up with the WAW in the not caring department.
So now it's getting on with the D, and seeing if she'll cooperate enough to minimize the timeline. That will come to a head this week.
I really want to sell our house, buy myself a fixer upper, and spend the next year therapeutically working with wood and tools, quietly, constructively, rebuilding some equity in a place that's my stress free home. Get myself back on a stable footing.
Meanwhile, I'm still exercising, and GALing (need to do more though).
The kids are good. We have not had "the talk". Don't know what to tell D13.
Have to figure out how to get them through this holiday season. I knew in my heart last Christmas that that was the last Christmas. I'm stockpiling PMA now to make this one as good as it can be.
I'm more appreciative of other people's time. I'm a little more aware of the people around me throughout the day as well. Widening the scope beyond the family is paying off.
I think she's cheating herself and the kids out of a wide open, secure future with someone who actually cares. But I'm biased.